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Author Topic: Being told what you "have" to do  (Read 17617 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #15 on: November 11, 2014, 03:31:56 PM »

What's first look?

Bride and groom seeing each other before the ceremony. It gives them some "alone time".

And much of the time its done so that some of the photos can be taken before hand, thereby not having to take all of them after the ceremony and miss the cocktail hour.

And though the photographer is there, often the photographer either waits, or steps away for a little while.


goldilocks

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #16 on: November 11, 2014, 03:39:37 PM »
I think the musts are :
an adult consenting  couple to be married
an officiant
two adult witnesses

Everything else is a choice

A valid license. Or whatever paperwork the state/county says must be done for the marriage to be legally valid.

I've actually heard of couples that forgot to get their license,and don't realize it until they get to the church!   The minister will go through with the ceremony anyway, and they can go get the license the next business day and bring back to him to sign.     

this happened to a girl I went to school with (in the 80's).    And at the reception her MIL said they couldn't spend the night together, and she had to get the minister to tell the MIL it was alright!

HannahGrace

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #17 on: November 11, 2014, 03:41:19 PM »
And all that is great, and I assumed you wanted it.   I have several readings that I'd love to include in the ceremony, but the bride says no.

If she wants a program, I'll assign someone to get it together.

It's just the whole idea of someone (and usually it's someone that isn't even that close to the bride) telling what I MUST do.

I just got some more:

1.  Bride must wear a veil.   No - she doesn't want to.
2.  EVERYBODY does "first look" now.   well, my bride and groom don't want to.
3.  we MUST have children in the wedding, (and usually this is followed by the suggestion of the child they are related to).    NO, no and no again.    I'm not grabbing random children just for the sake of having kids in the wedding.

What's first look?

Bride and groom seeing each other before the ceremony. It gives them some "alone time".

And much of the time its done so that some of the photos can be taken before hand, thereby not having to take all of them after the ceremony and miss the cocktail hour.

Yup - that's why we did it.  And we actually did have our actual first-time-seeing-each-other-in-wedding-gear time alone before the photographer got there (we did not want the stagey "tap the groom on the back and then he turns around and sees you in the wedding dress" photos).  But I understand why people don't want to do it that way.  What I don't understand is anyone besides the couple getting married thinking they have the right to an opinion about the wedding and its components.

z_squared82

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #18 on: November 11, 2014, 03:43:40 PM »
My SIL was told some “Musts”. I don’t even know what they all were. I know she was under the impression that the bridge and groom had to have equal number of attendants, and thus she and my brother initially each had I think six people on each side, including a husband and wife who were in the process of getting a divorce. So once we talked her out of that, SIL had two attendants (me and her sister) and Brother had three.

I know SIL’s mother and sister were telling her a whole heck of a lot of “Musts”, probably because they both chose to get married at the JP, and SIL and Brother were having a church wedding. They were trying to live their wedding dreams through her.

I flat out told her the only thing she *had* to do was send thank you notes. She asked, so if I wanted to walk down the aisle in a red mini dress, barefoot, I could? I answered, Yes, as long as your write thank you notes.

wolfie

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #19 on: November 11, 2014, 03:46:02 PM »
I think the musts are :
an adult consenting  couple to be married
an officiant
two adult witnesses

Everything else is a choice

A valid license. Or whatever paperwork the state/county says must be done for the marriage to be legally valid.

I've actually heard of couples that forgot to get their license,and don't realize it until they get to the church!   The minister will go through with the ceremony anyway, and they can go get the license the next business day and bring back to him to sign.     

this happened to a girl I went to school with (in the 80's).    And at the reception her MIL said they couldn't spend the night together, and she had to get the minister to tell the MIL it was alright!

Lucky for them that worked. My state had a three day waiting period, and some states make you take a blood test. So forgetting the license can be a real headache, depending on where you live.

nuit93

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #20 on: November 11, 2014, 03:51:28 PM »
Attendants?  I don't even have an engagement ring, and I LIKE it that way!   8)

Sophia

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #21 on: November 11, 2014, 03:59:57 PM »
I think the musts are :
an adult consenting  couple to be married
an officiant
two adult witnesses

Everything else is a choice

A valid license. Or whatever paperwork the state/county says must be done for the marriage to be legally valid.

I've actually heard of couples that forgot to get their license,and don't realize it until they get to the church!   The minister will go through with the ceremony anyway, and they can go get the license the next business day and bring back to him to sign.     

this happened to a girl I went to school with (in the 80's).    And at the reception her MIL said they couldn't spend the night together, and she had to get the minister to tell the MIL it was alright!

My grandparents never learned that my parents were actually married a day or two after the planned date.  This was back in the dark ages when a 19-year-old boy needed a parent's permission to marry, but a 19-year-old girl didn't and they also needed a blood test (and clear result).  My parents had to threaten to get married in hated nearby state to get his mom to sign the paperwork.  They had the honeymoon night hotel booked.  But, then they had to get the blood test.  So, they proceeded with the honeymoon and got married the next day or the one after that. 

goldilocks

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #22 on: November 11, 2014, 04:07:15 PM »
I've never understood why the boy needs permission but the same age girl didn't.   

weaselfrance

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #23 on: November 11, 2014, 04:22:38 PM »
My mother and MIL presented me and now DH with a list of 'musts' and 'must nots' when we got engaged. Must have a flower girl, must wear a veil, must have traditional fruit cake, must not have red roses in my bouquet, must have bridesmaids, must have first dance (DH never dances), must have a particular type of car for the wedding, must invite lots of their friends that we'd never met and they themselves hadn't seen for years. We were both 29, independent and paying for 100% of the wedding ourselves.

So we eloped.

Some people were kind enough to send us presents when we got home. Thank you cards (handwritten) were sent within a week  :)
« Last Edit: November 11, 2014, 04:37:31 PM by weaselfrance »

catwhiskers

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #24 on: November 11, 2014, 04:28:16 PM »
Blood tests? For what? (I'm in the UK and none are needed here).

squeakers

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2014, 05:01:11 PM »
Blood tests? For what? (I'm in the UK and none are needed here).

They check/ed for VD, blood type and Rh factor.

second Question/Answer has more info http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1144/what-is-the-purpose-of-premarital-blood-testing
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Tea Drinker

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #26 on: November 11, 2014, 05:15:33 PM »
What you must have is the people who want to get married, a license, and whatever witness(es) and officiant are required where you're getting married. That is unlikely to be more than five people: two getting married, an officiant, and one or two witnesses.

One of the things that isn't on that list of necessities is the presence of anyone who tells you that you "must" have or do things beyond that. If someone else thinks it won't be a "proper" wedding if you don't enact their fantasies, they don't have to attend. As someone said above, if the people getting married want flowers, there's nothing wrong with that: the desires of a random coworker, uncle, or even parent don't govern. The wedding-industrial complex's ideas of what's appropriate are not governing, whether it's a civil or a religious wedding.

(I had one witness, who brought a red rose, and no rings. We're no less, and no more, married than if we'd had a huge pageant, flowers, jewelry, programs, or any of the other things that someone will try to get you to spend money on.)
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EllenS

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #27 on: November 11, 2014, 05:23:57 PM »
I realized during this process that people who tell you you MUST do certain things in your wedding, just like people who say you MUST have this or that for your baby, are actually making a very vulnerable request to you.

What they are actually saying is, "Please let me talk about my wedding/my baby, because hearing about yours stirs up all this emotion in me."

What I started doing was turning it around on them.
"You MUST have a program."
"What kind of program did you have? How did you have it printed? Hmm, interesting" (etc)

Then they get to talk about themselves, you get left alone about your own choices, and everybody is happy.

jedikaiti

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #28 on: November 11, 2014, 05:36:22 PM »
I think the musts are :
an adult consenting  couple to be married
an officiant
two adult witnesses

Everything else is a choice

Heck, in some places you don't even need an officiant! Our state changed the laws while we were planning our wedding, so our officiant couldn't officially officiate (say that 10 times fast!). So she was a witness, and we self-solemnized, as they call it.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #29 on: November 11, 2014, 05:40:38 PM »
I realized during this process that people who tell you you MUST do certain things in your wedding, just like people who say you MUST have this or that for your baby, are actually making a very vulnerable request to you.

What they are actually saying is, "Please let me talk about my wedding/my baby, because hearing about yours stirs up all this emotion in me."

What I started doing was turning it around on them.
"You MUST have a program."
"What kind of program did you have? How did you have it printed? Hmm, interesting" (etc)

Then they get to talk about themselves, you get left alone about your own choices, and everybody is happy.


EllenS, I love you!