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Author Topic: Being told what you "have" to do  (Read 17616 times)

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EllenS

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #30 on: November 11, 2014, 05:42:38 PM »
I realized during this process that people who tell you you MUST do certain things in your wedding, just like people who say you MUST have this or that for your baby, are actually making a very vulnerable request to you.

What they are actually saying is, "Please let me talk about my wedding/my baby, because hearing about yours stirs up all this emotion in me."

What I started doing was turning it around on them.
"You MUST have a program."
"What kind of program did you have? How did you have it printed? Hmm, interesting" (etc)

Then they get to talk about themselves, you get left alone about your own choices, and everybody is happy.


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kherbert05

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #31 on: November 11, 2014, 07:10:58 PM »
Like the others have said  you have to have what is legally required in your jurisdiction. I would add if you are using a church you have to follow their rules, too. No using the Cathedral because it is pretty, you have to do what the church requires.


That said - if your families are diverse programs can be helpful.


Honestly my family needs programs made out of psychic paper
To remind the Episcopals and Catholics to not kneel (hurts when you hit the stone floor) or cross themselves in the Methodist and Baptist churches and to remind the Episcopals, Methodists, and Baptist to stop after "but deliver us from evil" in Catholic Churches. You could always find Dad's family at my sister's and my 1st communion and confirmation because the "For thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory for ever and ever" would ring out from where they were sitting.


When Sis got married and for Mom's funeral the priest was just told 80 - 90% of the people attending would not be Catholic and most would be Protestant. He just paused till everyone finished. He was used to it. 
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

TootsNYC

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #32 on: November 11, 2014, 07:14:22 PM »
You don't need a program to tell people to kneel.

Many ministers can simply announce it: "Please kneel."
And if they forget, and other people kneel, those not used to the service can go ahead and kneel then.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #33 on: November 11, 2014, 07:20:48 PM »
When a friend of mine was organizing her wedding, her fiance's family was driving her crazy.  She actually said to me, 'Find yourself a nice orphan.'   ;D  But she also told me about a friend of hers, dealing with busybody relatives and friends, who kept telling her how she had to do certain things.  So she just boycotted that particular thing all together.  When someone said something about how the cake should be and she told them, 'Ok, we just won't have a cake', everyone shut up and stopped making suggestions.  I don't know as I'd go that far, though!  I like cake!
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catwhiskers

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #34 on: November 11, 2014, 08:09:08 PM »
This thread has reminded me... my mum told me other half and I "have" to get married in the town where I grew up. When I asked why on earth we would want to, she said "So I don't have to travel to the wedding." Apparently we also "have" to get married in summer because any other time of year is "just weird". We also don't want to invite my dad (my parents are divorced, I have vitually no contact with him for many reasons) and my mum is trying to insist we "have" to because otherwise "it will look bad to [OH's name]'s family".

I'm dreading what my future MIL is going to come up with... my guess is that she will stage some sort of intervention to try to talk OH out of marrying me once it looks like we're actually moving towards arranging a wedding. I know this sounds far fetched, but she's got previous.  ::)

Eloping and telling them all afterwards is starting to look increasingly attractive.

(Edited to correct typing mistake).
« Last Edit: November 11, 2014, 08:11:34 PM by catwhiskers »

TootsNYC

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #35 on: November 11, 2014, 09:09:54 PM »
When a friend of mine was organizing her wedding, her fiance's family was driving her crazy.  She actually said to me, 'Find yourself a nice orphan.'   ;D  But she also told me about a friend of hers, dealing with busybody relatives and friends, who kept telling her how she had to do certain things.  So she just boycotted that particular thing all together.  When someone said something about how the cake should be and she told them, 'Ok, we just won't have a cake', everyone shut up and stopped making suggestions.  I don't know as I'd go that far, though!  I like cake!


Oh, you can totally totally lie!

You just go arrange your cake where they can't hear about it. and if they say, "I thought you told us you weren't going to have a cake!" you shrug and say, "I changed my mind."

For that matter, anytime someone starts in on you about what you have to have, just say, "Oh, that's a great idea, we'll do that," and then you completely never do it. (Just be sure they aren't close enough to be in a position to arrange anything.)

mmswm

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #36 on: November 11, 2014, 11:52:15 PM »
Sometime during the planning of my own wedding, I swore to myself that when it came to my kids' weddings (if I had any, which I did), the only time I would through a fit would be if my kids in-laws-to-be tried to get controlling and demanding.  I would then demand that it was the kids' wedding and that they should get what *they* wanted, and if it happened to be the same thing as the family wanted, then yay!.  Otherwise, we parents could just stuff it.  We had our chance, this would be our kids (hopefully) only wedding, and as long as whomever was paying for it could afford it, then this is their show.

All these years later I still feel strongly about it.  I will happily stand up to any of my sons' future brides' parents to make sure the brides and grooms get the weddings they want, no matter how traditional or non-traditional that might be.

As for me, if I ever get married again, and my groom is in agreement, I'm happy to go to a courthouse during my lunch break and then tell everybody else after it's all done.  Maybe then I'll throw a low-key party to celebrate, but that's it.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

cicero

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #37 on: November 12, 2014, 04:20:49 AM »
depending on who the pushy people are (sort of a "know your audience" thing) i would respond either with " Or what, the marriage is invalid?", or "Thanks, i'll pass the info on to the HC/think about it/discuss with DH/etc" and let it go (you don't have to actually discuss with anyone, i think a little white lie is allowed here).

I also think that sometimes "you have to do X" doesn't mean literally that you have to do X but that "i've done X and it's a great idea/experience" (as in, "i've bungie jumped and you have to too")...

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oz diva

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #38 on: November 12, 2014, 05:43:31 AM »
Honestly I feel too much emphasis is placed on the wedding and not enough on the marriage. There are no "musts".

We had a very relaxed and lovely wedding. (Apart from a wee interloper which bit me hard, ie a bull ant). We broke many of the 'rules' and we're still together nearly 20 years later.

Victoria

camlan

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #39 on: November 12, 2014, 06:24:03 AM »
As for the "rules" and what you "have" to do, it's nothing new. Sixty years ago, my mother raised all sorts of eyebrows because she didn't want a wedding cake. Wedding cake back then was always white cake, and Mom didn't like white cake. If it wasn't chocolate, there was no point to it being cake.

My grandmother was scandalized--what would people think?!? Grandma searched and searched until she found a bakery willing to make a chocolate wedding cake.

A friend of mine got around all the "musts" and "shoulds" by explaining that she wanted her wedding to be unique and special to her and her DF. "Oh, is everyone doing unity candles? Well, we want to be unique, so I guess those are out." "You've never been to a wedding where they didn't give out favors? Guess that's something we can change for you."

Her wedding had groomswomen and bridesmen and a dog as ring bearer and no favors and no unity candle and was fun and cheerful and informal and people still talk about it 15 years later.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Piratelvr1121

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #40 on: November 12, 2014, 07:49:37 AM »
I recall my mother telling me that instead of a wedding cake, they had chocolate eclairs at their reception, which apparently horrified my great-aunt.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

cass2591

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #41 on: November 12, 2014, 02:27:33 PM »
Goldilocks, the caps = shouting and please stop it. Thank you.
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EllenS

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #42 on: November 12, 2014, 03:22:01 PM »
I'm also a big fan of the response, "Really? Huh." or "Really? Wow." The "huh" or "wow" should be in a tone of "what interesting, new information!" and followed with a big helping of beandip.

It's not as if a real answer, or commitment to do/not do the thing is required at all.

LtPowers

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #43 on: November 13, 2014, 06:56:03 AM »
Goldilocks, the caps = shouting and please stop it. Thank you.

Wait, really?  I've always thought that capitalizing just one word or so was just emphasis, not really yelling.


Powers  &8^]

Sophia

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Re: Being told what you "have" to do
« Reply #44 on: November 13, 2014, 09:44:12 AM »
Goldilocks, the caps = shouting and please stop it. Thank you.

Wait, really?  I've always thought that capitalizing just one word or so was just emphasis, not really yelling.


Powers  &8^]

Me, too.