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Author Topic: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4  (Read 25082 times)

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POF

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Re: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4
« Reply #60 on: December 26, 2014, 07:33:16 AM »
I am so happy that the day went well for you  I get so tired of the pressure with gifts.  When I give a gift, I honestly don't expect anything in return ( then it would be a trade, transaction, sale. purchase etc. )

When I host XMAS - I often have a few small extra gifts for some people just because.  my nephews fiances, my SIL who has a chronic disease and is having a really difficult year.  I never expect anything back.  Occasionally - someone brings me a small hostess gift - and that is great, those that don't - no problems. 

I agree - check out various assistance offerings if you are in the state. 

tash112194

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Re: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4
« Reply #61 on: December 26, 2014, 08:07:53 AM »
I am so happy that the day went well for you  I get so tired of the pressure with gifts.  When I give a gift, I honestly don't expect anything in return ( then it would be a trade, transaction, sale. purchase etc. )

Exactly, my family's Christmas' have always been more of an "I saw this and thought of you/thought you would like it" exchange, which was why I really didn't appreciate the whole degrading it to a gimmee game act.

Luckily my work offers health benefits, so I'll be joining those and then when my fiance and I get married he'll put our insurance in his name.
Also since my car is relatively old the insurance is not too bad, the only thing working against me is that all the years I've been paying my dad for my car insurance, he never actually added me onto his plan as a driver, he only insured my car so whenever I try to apply for insurance I'm "technically" an uninsured driver, which makes the rates jump up. I actually got quoted like $750 a month from Geico, although after much calling around I've gotten down to a semi-reasonable rate lol.

POF

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Re: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4
« Reply #62 on: December 26, 2014, 08:36:40 AM »
You are just going to have to bite the bullet on the driver thing - but after a year - it should go down.  My son has an after school job to pay his insurance and he knows if he keeps his driving record it should go down significantly in February ( and he is counting the days ).

You are very smart to not go into debt to buy gifts / save face.  My father was ( and is ) very find of the big extravagany gestures for gifts.  As my mother said - he really gave her the gift of debt. 

You seem like you are absolutely making the right decisions.... and you know what .... Baking is EXPENSIVE.  The ingredients cost way more than buying a box of cookies.

tash112194

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Re: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4
« Reply #63 on: December 26, 2014, 09:23:49 AM »
You are just going to have to bite the bullet on the driver thing - but after a year - it should go down.  My son has an after school job to pay his insurance and he knows if he keeps his driving record it should go down significantly in February ( and he is counting the days ).

You are very smart to not go into debt to buy gifts / save face.  My father was ( and is ) very find of the big extravagany gestures for gifts.  As my mother said - he really gave her the gift of debt. 

You seem like you are absolutely making the right decisions.... and you know what .... Baking is EXPENSIVE.  The ingredients cost way more than buying a box of cookies.


I just had to force myself to look at it like: in the final days before my wedding when I am delivering a final head count and making the last payment on the venue and stressing about money and fittings and hair and make up and flowers and everything already, am I really going to be glad that I got everyone small trinkets out of Christmas obligation or am I going to wish that I had saved the money so I could have a nice stress free (or less stressful) wedding for myself, my family, and my fiancÚ and new family to enjoy?
and that made it a lot easier, and I know that after my wedding I can start planning and going all out on this Christmas to thank everyone who thought of us and went out of their way to make sure we both still had good Christmases.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: How do I handle this?
« Reply #64 on: December 26, 2014, 11:04:12 AM »
Where is Pirate? She would be a good one for you to speak with about experiences cutting parents out of your life, Tash. She speaks in the forum every so often about how freeing it has been.

I suggest you reject any Christmas gift your SM and dad try to give you this Christmas. If they try to make a big deal of it, calmly explain you have nothing to give in return, and don't feel comfortable accepting their...well, charity.

*popping up!* Someone call for me? :)

5 years ago I did cut my folks out of my life.  They were being disrespectful of my relationship with DH and my children.  No boundaries whatsoever and I got sick and tired of it and finally put my foot down when my oldest child informed me that they'd spanked my middle son (then youngest and 6 going on 7) for having an accident.   I wasn't even going to do the CD, just said that any future interactions between them and their grandchildren would mean Dh and I would be there.   They didn't like it and stopped speaking to me for two months.

In those two months I found myself thinking "Wow, this is a lot more pleasant than having to deal with them and their constant judgment!"  DH and I had lived 5 minutes away.  We moved further west, still in the same state but about an hour away.  We didn't see them for years and my kids honestly don't even miss them.  My youngest doesn't even know them.

Dh has told me I've changed for the better in the last 5 years.  I really do think that in such an environment you can stagnate and just get stuck in the same sort of thinking and relationship patterns.  And just like a stream, when you clear out what's keeping it still and smelly, it'll run clean and clear again and improve. :)

My bff is the one that really pushed me to finally empower myself to do what I needed to do to break free of the toxic cycle and our family really has improved.  DH and I are less stressed, I get sick less often and so does he and we don't fight nearly so much.   
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

tash112194

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Re: How do I handle this?
« Reply #65 on: December 26, 2014, 11:48:28 AM »

I suggest you reject any Christmas gift your SM and dad try to give you this Christmas. If they try to make a big deal of it, calmly explain you have nothing to give in return, and don't feel comfortable accepting their...well, charity.

*popping up!* Someone call for me? :)

5 years ago I did cut my folks out of my life.  They were being disrespectful of my relationship with DH and my children.  No boundaries whatsoever and I got sick and tired of it and finally put my foot down when my oldest child informed me that they'd spanked my middle son (then youngest and 6 going on 7) for having an accident.   I wasn't even going to do the CD, just said that any future interactions between them and their grandchildren would mean Dh and I would be there.   They didn't like it and stopped speaking to me for two months.
[/quote]

Wow I'm surprised nobody got spanked in the face for that one.
Thankfully my fiance and I never fight about my parents or family because he's always on my side, whichever side that happens to be. I just find it hard to decide to write them off because I still deep down have that hope that someday they will realize the errors of their ways and try to have a real relationship with me. And I'm not sure if it will ever go away. Also I haven't had a huge incident yet that makes the decision any easier, so far it's just the little things that pile up. I thought it would get better when I moved out because that was the first time that my dad saw that I didn't 'need' to be a part of his life, that I could do things on my own and be fine without him. Before that he took for granted that I was in his life only because I still lived at home. It did get better for a while but backslid when he realized I was still partially depending on him for insurances, (which he decided to stop) so I guess when I am finally completely financially independant we'll see how the situation progresses. I feel like the only way it could ever work out would be for it to happen because of no other obligation than that we want a relationship with eachother. Although I feel that as long as he continues to be a mouthpiece for my stepmother and dragging her/our issues in between my father and I, it will never really work out. And at that point I think I could accept it, I just almost don't want to be the one who seals the CD deal, I feel like it looks bad on me, to the rest of my family because they will always spin it as me being the monster or the Female Dog who doesn't like them. And then I struggle with how to cut out my parents without alienating the rest of my family since they all live at the same address (for the most part). I just think it's a huge decision for me, and I'm hesitant to make it and possibly screw myself out of someday having a great relationship with my father.

Kiwipinball

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Re: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4
« Reply #66 on: December 26, 2014, 11:59:38 AM »
I think there's a lot of room between "perfectly happy family" and "completely cut out of life." Some people do end up having to cut off all communication and they should do what they need to do. But others, while not having the relationship they might like with their family, are able to manage the relationship. For example, seeing them less frequently, only communicating by X (whatever form is the least stressful), setting firm boundaries and refusing to go past them, etc.

Are the family members that live with your parents siblings? Older relatives? I would definitely encourage you to nurture those relationships outside your parents' sphere of influence as much as possible. Invite younger siblings for a sleep-over, meet people for lunch, etc. If this is done while still having some contact with your parents, it will be seen as more of a get-together than a way to exclude them. That way if you ever do have to cut them out completely, you'll have already established a relationship with them apart from your parents.

EllenS

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Re: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4
« Reply #67 on: December 26, 2014, 12:17:46 PM »
So glad you had a pleasant day and got to see the people who are important to you. I'm also glad there was no opportunity for a high-pressure/drama situation.

I hope as things go on, by just continuing to live out your priorities and values, your relationship will naturally improve with a little distance. Sometimes a little distance is enough and things do not need to escalate to a CD. We all have to deal with some dysfunction and foolishness in our families, and for most middle-of-the-road flavors of foolishness, that shiny spine is enough to keep things pleasant.

tash112194

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Re: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4
« Reply #68 on: December 26, 2014, 12:37:26 PM »
I think there's a lot of room between "perfectly happy family" and "completely cut out of life." Some people do end up having to cut off all communication and they should do what they need to do. But others, while not having the relationship they might like with their family, are able to manage the relationship. For example, seeing them less frequently, only communicating by X (whatever form is the least stressful), setting firm boundaries and refusing to go past them, etc.

Are the family members that live with your parents siblings? Older relatives? I would definitely encourage you to nurture those relationships outside your parents' sphere of influence as much as possible. Invite younger siblings for a sleep-over, meet people for lunch, etc. If this is done while still having some contact with your parents, it will be seen as more of a get-together than a way to exclude them. That way if you ever do have to cut them out completely, you'll have already established a relationship with them apart from your parents.

My family has a unique housing situation lol. My family owns a farm, with a large amount of land, and a big old farm house. The farm house has an unfinished basement, a first floor, and a second floor, with the second floor being split in half, and the other half having a staircase around the back of the house going up to it so it can be used as an apartment, and then a shared attic above it. On the other side of the house, there is a garage, and an in-law apartment is attached to the other side of the garage. My grandparents lived in the large farm house area, and my great grandmother lived in the in-law apartment. When my great grandmother passed away last year they sold the farmhouse and the land it was on to my father and his wife, and my grandparents moved into the in-law apartment. They kept the surrounding land, and only sold the house and the couple of acres around it to my father. And my uncle and his wife live in the "upstairs" apartment.

Sorry if that is confusing, we used to own the house next door too, had two driveways and a little dirt path that connected the houses, and at that point my dad and aunt lived in the house next door, and my grandparents, great grandmother and I lived in the farm house and apartments, and we rented out the upstairs apartment lol. Very complicated to explain. It was nice to have our family as a little community on one piece of land though, everyone would come together for morning coffee at my great grandmothers. <3

Edited to add:
Also, I have a younger half sister who lives far far away with her father, and the "brothers" I mentioned before are step monsters adult children, who were 18 & 20 when I met them. (now 22 & 24)

Piratelvr1121

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Re: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4
« Reply #69 on: December 26, 2014, 12:43:03 PM »
Well, we didn't really fight about my parents but rather we fought because the parental units would play us against each other.  For the longest time they got away with it but then he and I kinda wised up to it.  It went from "You told them X?" to "Did you really say X to them?"

For example my father said something like "Oh he wants you to get a better paying job so you can contribute more to the bills!" whereas what Dh really said was that he was fine with the arrangement we had, bill paying wise, but he just wanted me to give more input on the budget really, didn't want all the decisions of money spending on his shoulders.

Or my mother said when DH went out of town "He told me he thought it would be a vacation for you to take care of two boys under 10 all by yourself!"  When I shared that with him he laughed and said "I'm not that stupid!"

For his final act before the cut when I confronted my father about the spanking thing, he then called dh at work and claimed I was saying some crazy, crazy things and that DH needed to come over and discuss what they'd do about me.  ::)

When DH was stationed in California and my folks were on the East Coast things were a little better but there was still a good bit of boundary tromping. 

I will have to see them when I attend my brother's wedding in May but at least then there'll be other people, DH will be there with me and we won't have to interact with just them. 

I'll be honest, when the separation (sort of hesitate to call it a cut direct now, we're really just keeping our distance for our own mental and emotional benefit) started I had a tough time of it.  I was so used to having them around even if it wasn't in a pleasant way that I felt like there was a sort of hole in my life and was trying to fill it up in other ways cause I didn't want to miss dysfunction.

As time went on it was easier and easier to not have them in my life at all.  It's like suddenly there was just a lot more air.

As for extended family, I still speak with them though I've grown distant from some who have chosen to take sides.  There are some who have been good at being Switzerland and said from the start, "Look we love you and don't want to lose you. We don't need or want to know what happened, just so long as you keep in touch."  And they've stuck to that too, never pushed for a reunion or anything.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

PastryGoddess

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Re: How do I handle this? UPDATE PG 3, POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE PG 4
« Reply #70 on: December 26, 2014, 02:00:18 PM »
Tash, I'm going to recommend you read art2k's magic words post.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=126586.0