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Author Topic: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?  (Read 12286 times)

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wheeitsme

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #15 on: December 22, 2014, 05:50:01 PM »
I was at my family's place on Friday and often times I'll be asked how things are progressing.  Since we have a reception site narrowed down, I let them know the name of it.  Mom pulled up the site and went "oh, that's...interesting...."

She later looked downright horrified when I mentioned we were getting a food truck for the reception food

<snip>

Just a head's up.  Depending on the amount of people to be served, you might need more than one food truck.  My nephew had a truck come in that made gourmet stone fired pizza.  I didn't mind the choice of food, but no-one got fed in a reasonable amount of time, and there just wasn't enough.  They made it as fast as possible, but it just didn't work well.

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #16 on: December 22, 2014, 09:31:29 PM »
I guess if she really wants you to lay out a reception according to her preferences, she should pony up the dough and pay for it herself.  Otherwise, were I you, I'd give her comments the due consideration they deserve, which is to ignore what she's saying.

Oh, and let me reassure you about whether people are too polite to say anything about the hospitality you are planning:  I have been to several weddings.  As a guest, there were some receptions that were more in accordance to my liking than others in terms of amount/quality/type of food offered; however, no matter how grand or how humble the affair, each event had its own unique charm and I found something to enjoy about every single one of them.  Years, even decades later, all I can honestly remember about any of them were two things:

1. How happy the happy couple looked, and the joy and honor of being included in their special day, and 2. vague impressions of having had a good time.  For the life of me, I personally can't remember too many details beyond that for any wedding I've attended, even my own!!! At the end of the day, I think it's the quality of the marriage, NOT the wedding reception, that is most important.  If you've chosen wisely in the first instance, the second one ceases to be important in the long run.

Just focus on your joy and happiness, and know that your guests will have a wonderful time.  It's the people who matter, not what they eat or the material on the chair they're sitting on that matters.  If you have good people who are nice coming to your wedding, it doesn't really matter if you serve hot dogs and lemonade and hold the reception in a barn - they'll be happy to share your special day and make it fun.  Conversely, if you have a bunch of miserares who raise complaining to an art form, you can feed them gold plated roasted swan and seat them on silk settees in a crystal palace and they'll still tear you to shreds, and take joy in your misery.  Invite group #1.  You'll have a better time, and happier memories.  Forget what Mom says.  Have the event you want to have, according to your means, and have a happy wedding.  And an even happier marriage. :)

« Last Edit: December 22, 2014, 09:53:17 PM by mrkitty »

EllenS

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #17 on: December 22, 2014, 09:59:52 PM »
Yes, it sounds to me exactly like your mom is being snobbish. Is there a reason you need your mom's input in order to plan this? I mean, other than the emotional desire to be close, have her involved, relationship stuff?

Because it sounds like she is not going to give you her approval unless you do things her way. Since you are paying for it yourself, I would suggest you find someone else to bounce ideas off, who is capable of giving you pros & cons on your ideas without the sniffy editorial comments.

If you want to salvage the mom/bonding part, you could try the old "When you x, I feel y..." routine.

"Mom, when you [her reaction], I feel judged and defensive. I would like this to be a special time when we can be close, but my tastes are different than yours and my wedding is going to be different than Sister's. If there is a certain reason why you think my ideas might cause problems, of course I want to hear it. But when you do [x, y, z] that doesn't help me and I feel reluctant to share with you."

Momiitz

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #18 on: December 23, 2014, 08:48:35 AM »
Just wanted to chime in about the food truck idea. My family was invited to a friends wedding. It was a beautiful backyard wedding and it had a barbecue food truck and a dessert food truck.  Everyone who was there had a great time the food was delicious.  The food truck they hired really knew how to feed large crowds fast. Their main business came from weddings and large gatherings.

I say go for it and don't worry about what your mom has been saying.

cicero

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #19 on: December 23, 2014, 08:51:52 AM »
is your mom this way about other things? is there some degree of favortism between you and your sister?

Is she *legitimately* concerned that people won't get enough food/good enough food/old aunt bessy can't be expected to stand on line? Is she perhaps picturing a dirty ol', unsanitary food cart on a NY street corner that sells questionable hot dogs and pretzels?

If everything else is ok between you, and this food cart thing is more "something she doesn't get" rather than "something she doesn't like" - then maybe you can take her to a venue that features a food cart so she can see what it's all about. Because it could be that she is being snobbish but it could also be that she is visualizing concerns that are real.

I've only been to bar/bat mitzvahs that had a food cart only for the ice cream at the end.

(BTW - I love the idea of a food cart! sounds so trendy and cool!)

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nuit93

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #20 on: December 23, 2014, 10:07:59 AM »
Yes, it sounds to me exactly like your mom is being snobbish. Is there a reason you need your mom's input in order to plan this? I mean, other than the emotional desire to be close, have her involved, relationship stuff?

Because it sounds like she is not going to give you her approval unless you do things her way. Since you are paying for it yourself, I would suggest you find someone else to bounce ideas off, who is capable of giving you pros & cons on your ideas without the sniffy editorial comments.

If you want to salvage the mom/bonding part, you could try the old "When you x, I feel y..." routine.

"Mom, when you [her reaction], I feel judged and defensive. I would like this to be a special time when we can be close, but my tastes are different than yours and my wedding is going to be different than Sister's. If there is a certain reason why you think my ideas might cause problems, of course I want to hear it. But when you do [x, y, z] that doesn't help me and I feel reluctant to share with you."

I actually hadn't asked her for input, she asked me how wedding planning was and about those details when I was over there for a family members' birthday party.

She'd also wanted to go with me wedding dress shopping like she did for my sister, but she's notorious about body-shaming so I told her very early on that I was planning on buying my dress online (which was true anyway since I had very specific requirements for my dress that I couldn't find in bridal stores).

BioformCassie

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #21 on: December 23, 2014, 10:15:32 AM »
My MIL was horrified when I wanted to serve chicken fingers at the noon reception for a morning wedding. I just kept repeating that we weren't paying more for fancy food that my picky hubby to be wouldn't eat.

3 years later my SIL got married in the afternoon with an evening reception and served chicken fingers. Clearly she didn't really mind serving chicken fingers after all.  ::)

You've done your homework and your mom is the only one complaining. She's not paying for it so it's entirely on you to pick how you want your wedding and reception after all.

nuit93

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #22 on: December 23, 2014, 10:31:19 AM »
is your mom this way about other things? is there some degree of favortism between you and your sister?

Is she *legitimately* concerned that people won't get enough food/good enough food/old aunt bessy can't be expected to stand on line? Is she perhaps picturing a dirty ol', unsanitary food cart on a NY street corner that sells questionable hot dogs and pretzels?

If everything else is ok between you, and this food cart thing is more "something she doesn't get" rather than "something she doesn't like" - then maybe you can take her to a venue that features a food cart so she can see what it's all about. Because it could be that she is being snobbish but it could also be that she is visualizing concerns that are real.

I've only been to bar/bat mitzvahs that had a food cart only for the ice cream at the end.

(BTW - I love the idea of a food cart! sounds so trendy and cool!)

She's that way about pretty much anything she doesn't understand, which combined with the fact she doesn't like learning about new/unfamiliar things means that pretty much every aspect of my life baffles her.  I don't mind explaining things, but the attitude of "I've never heard of it and I'm not interested in learning about it but I'm going to judge it anyway" from her caused a lot of head-butting over the years.  Luckily, she listens to my sister (the married one), who thought my ideas sounded cool.  Also, my stepdad (I feel weird using that title since I was very much an adult by the time he came into our lives, but he's the only real father figure I've had) is far more level-headed and listened to what I had to say while offering positive feedback, so...yeah, it's literally just my mom that's freaking out.

Kiwipinball

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #23 on: December 23, 2014, 10:59:10 AM »
is your mom this way about other things? is there some degree of favortism between you and your sister?

Is she *legitimately* concerned that people won't get enough food/good enough food/old aunt bessy can't be expected to stand on line? Is she perhaps picturing a dirty ol', unsanitary food cart on a NY street corner that sells questionable hot dogs and pretzels?

If everything else is ok between you, and this food cart thing is more "something she doesn't get" rather than "something she doesn't like" - then maybe you can take her to a venue that features a food cart so she can see what it's all about. Because it could be that she is being snobbish but it could also be that she is visualizing concerns that are real.

I've only been to bar/bat mitzvahs that had a food cart only for the ice cream at the end.

(BTW - I love the idea of a food cart! sounds so trendy and cool!)

She's that way about pretty much anything she doesn't understand, which combined with the fact she doesn't like learning about new/unfamiliar things means that pretty much every aspect of my life baffles her.  I don't mind explaining things, but the attitude of "I've never heard of it and I'm not interested in learning about it but I'm going to judge it anyway" from her caused a lot of head-butting over the years.  Luckily, she listens to my sister (the married one), who thought my ideas sounded cool.  Also, my stepdad (I feel weird using that title since I was very much an adult by the time he came into our lives, but he's the only real father figure I've had) is far more level-headed and listened to what I had to say while offering positive feedback, so...yeah, it's literally just my mom that's freaking out.

I think if you generally get along and she's raising genuine concerns (that may or may not prove to be true), explaining some is helpful. Making your guests pay for their own food would be off, in my opinion, and reassuring her you're not doing that is helpful. If she's concerned about serving quickly enough, explain the research you've done. If some relatives are not able to stand in line, brainstorm solutions with her. And so on. If she continues to huff and puff about it, ignore and move on. I think getting other people's input (whether your mom, sister, friends, whoever) can be helpful because they might think of a problem you haven't thought of. But when it gets to a matter of preference, yours trumps all.

EllenS

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #24 on: December 23, 2014, 12:57:51 PM »
Yes, it sounds to me exactly like your mom is being snobbish. Is there a reason you need your mom's input in order to plan this? I mean, other than the emotional desire to be close, have her involved, relationship stuff?

Because it sounds like she is not going to give you her approval unless you do things her way. Since you are paying for it yourself, I would suggest you find someone else to bounce ideas off, who is capable of giving you pros & cons on your ideas without the sniffy editorial comments.

If you want to salvage the mom/bonding part, you could try the old "When you x, I feel y..." routine.

"Mom, when you [her reaction], I feel judged and defensive. I would like this to be a special time when we can be close, but my tastes are different than yours and my wedding is going to be different than Sister's. If there is a certain reason why you think my ideas might cause problems, of course I want to hear it. But when you do [x, y, z] that doesn't help me and I feel reluctant to share with you."

I actually hadn't asked her for input, she asked me how wedding planning was and about those details when I was over there for a family members' birthday party.

She'd also wanted to go with me wedding dress shopping like she did for my sister, but she's notorious about body-shaming so I told her very early on that I was planning on buying my dress online (which was true anyway since I had very specific requirements for my dress that I couldn't find in bridal stores).

In that case, and given your other updates, I'd suggest just don't tell her any details.

Obviously if you think she has valuable input then seek it, but if she's doing the judging/shaming/stressing you out routine, just don't give her any details and listen to the sensible people you've already found around you. That may mean not sharing details with your stepdad either, but that's okay.

How's wedding planning going?
Great!
What are you doing about ....(details)
Oh, you'll see! (Beandip).

marcel

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #25 on: December 23, 2014, 01:26:04 PM »
I guess if she really wants you to lay out a reception according to her preferences, she should pony up the dough and pay for it herself.  Otherwise, were I you, I'd give her comments the due consideration they deserve, which is to ignore what she's saying.
This is off course absolutely not so. If she really wants a wedding according to her preferences she should get a divorce and marry someone else. I am strongly of the opinion that even if you are paying for (most of) your childrens wedding, they should still be the primary decision makers for the type of wedding.
Wherever you go..... There you are.

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #26 on: December 23, 2014, 03:37:25 PM »
I guess if she really wants you to lay out a reception according to her preferences, she should pony up the dough and pay for it herself.  Otherwise, were I you, I'd give her comments the due consideration they deserve, which is to ignore what she's saying.
This is off course absolutely not so. If she really wants a wedding according to her preferences she should get a divorce and marry someone else. I am strongly of the opinion that even if you are paying for (most of) your childrens wedding, they should still be the primary decision makers for the type of wedding.

Maybe.  Maybe not. 

I agree that if you offer to pay for a wedding as a gift for someone, then of course they get to have the wedding they want - within the budgetary limits you, as the provider of funds, set.  They can have anything they want as long as it fits in the budget.

If a relative or friend asked me to fund their wedding - sorry, honey, it's going to be my way or no way. :) I'm not going to pay for something I think is abysmal. (Yes, I've had this happen to me.  When people get favors like that, I've noticed suddenly their tastes suddenly go from domestic champagne to expensive French imported.  I'll not allow that to happen again.  There have to be limits.  I believe in the Golden Rule - s/he who has the gold, rules.  Don't like it? Pay for your own wedding.  Don't like my choices for my own affair? Host your own, or contribute; then you can have a say.  Otherwise, zip it, or, better yet, stay home with your bad attitude and let the rest of us have a good time.)  :)

gellchom

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #27 on: December 23, 2014, 03:57:56 PM »
I think it sounds like fun.  I would just make sure that you aren't going to have long lines -- i.e., make sure that the number of food trucks and the number of guests are in good proportion.  Otherwise, maybe do something like have several buffet tables (that several guests at once can get to) out that the food truck folks bring stuff out to.   Also, I agree that it should be very clear that the guests aren't expected to pay anything.  Remind the food truck folks to put away their tip jars.

I agree with the advice several posters have given you to listen to Mom's concerns and see if there's anything there that you really should consider.  I think it's foolish to refuse to listen to anyone just on principle; she may have something to say you hadn't thought of.  She may just not like casual weddings, or she may be picturing unkempt food truck workers and a messy truck, or she may be acting snobbish, or she may have great advice -- but you won't know til you talk to her.  You can listen to what she says without having to do what she says.  And if she really doesn't have anything useful to add, at least she will be much more likely to back off once she feels you have listened to her opinion. 

lakey

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #28 on: December 24, 2014, 01:20:08 AM »
If you're paying the costs, then I think you are entitled to have whatever type of wedding suits you and your fiance. I think it's crazy to spend a fortune trying to impress people. Most people just like to have a good time. They can do that with the beverages you listed and food from a food truck.


goldilocks

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Re: I think my mom is being snobbish about my wedding plans?
« Reply #29 on: December 24, 2014, 07:55:20 AM »
Part of the problem may be that your mom does not know what the food truck is like.   where I live - the only food trucks you see are at construction sites and very likely are someone running an illegal business (not drugs, I mean they don't have proper licenses and all).

I am aware that there are "gourmet" food trucks in other cities, I've just never seen one.    Have you tried showing your mom exactly what you mean?