News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 25, 2017, 05:21:19 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: No you may not come in (LONG) UPDATED!!!  (Read 80938 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

PastryGoddess

  • Member
  • Posts: 6374
No you may not come in (LONG) UPDATED!!!
« on: December 28, 2014, 05:52:15 PM »

I refused someone entry into my home today, and I’m completely shocked that I managed to do it.

Background:

I run a meetup related to an activity and I’m also an event organizer for several other social meetups as well.  Each year I have a fairly relaxed and boozy potluck brunch/lunch that I invite other event organizers of my various groups and close friends to attend.  The brunch is only open to event organizers of the meetups.  No children are invited.  Spouses/partners/etc can come only if I’ve met them before. 

This year, one of my social meetups welcomed a new organizer.  I’ll call her Sally.  We co-hosted a few events over the summer and I found that our hosting styles were completely different.  So I’ve opted to not cohost things with her since about September.  Basically, she’s a more the merrier type person and has no issue with letting people do what they want, bring who they want, etc.  This would be fine if it was a free event, but she cost me money and aggravation on 2 separate occasions for brunches. 
/end background

So this year I sent out the evite to everyone as normal. No one can see who else is invited. The invite says no guests allowed. However, most spouses and partners I’ve met get their own evite.  For new organizers, if they ask nicely and I’m not near capacity, then I’ll usually send over an invite. 

I got a message from Sally a couple of days after they went out
S:  “Hey, I’m bringing my cousin but I can’t add a guest”
Me: “That’s because they weren’t invited.  It says no guests on the evite”
S: “Well then I won’t be able to attend!”
Me: Ok I understand, I’ll see you in the new year”

And I thought that was it… ::)

About a week ago, Sally changed her RSVP from No to Yes.  Which was fine since I had the room. 
On Wednesday, I sent out a list of the stuff I would have on hand. Sally responds by saying she would have to leave early so her cousin wouldn’t be by herself for too long.  I respond by saying OK, thanks for letting me know. 

So today, it's about 1pm, everyone’s got food and drink. No Sally, but I figure maybe she decided not to come.  My doorbell rings.  It’s Sally…and her cousin…and her cousins 2 kids.  I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the floor. 

She then has the nerve to start to usher them into my house ahead of her.  So I took a deep breath, stepped in front of them and reminded her that guests were not invited.  If she wanted to stay, I’d be happy to find her a ride home, but her guests could not come in.  She began to argue about how mean and unfair it was, when I reminded her, that she was told no guests were invited back when the evite went out.  This was not a surprise to her.  She started arguing again, and I had enough. I said are you staying alone or going with your family.  She said she was staying with her family.  I said, no you aren’t and closed the door in her face and locked it.  I then had several glasses of wine.

So now what?  Do I owe her an apology?  We’re going to see each other at future events, do I just pretend this never happened?  The other organizers saw what happened and they seemed to be sympathetic, but I don’t want them to feel like they have to choose a side. Am I overthinking this?  :-\
« Last Edit: November 15, 2016, 01:28:36 PM by PastryGoddess »

apoptosis

  • Member
  • Posts: 129
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2014, 06:04:07 PM »
I nominate Pastry Goddess for E-hell Star of the year

Clareish

  • Member
  • Posts: 193
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2014, 06:06:37 PM »
I have to say, good for you! People like this thrive on the fact that others are unwilling to make a scene to get away with doing whatever they want. She had plenty of notice, she brought the situation on herself. I wouldn't defend myself to her, or anyone else. I would actually put this whole incident out of my mind (other than to shake my head at the rudeness of some people), and act coolly polite to her from here on out.

Don't JADE, don't put any energy into such a person. If someone else asks you, respond vaguely that it was an unfortunate/unpleasant situation before changing the subject.

AmethystAnne

  • mom, grandmother, and an enthusaistic knitter & crocheter
  • Member
  • Posts: 4204
  • So much yarn, not nearly enough time! :D
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2014, 06:07:40 PM »
I think you did good. She knew the parameters of your invitation. She is a guest, not a co-host. And as such does not have a right to make the rules at your party.

I think you also set a good example for the other organizers about what to do when PushyPerson did what she did.

I also think it could go one of 2 ways the next time you host another party. She will either learn from this example, or she will try it again.

------------------
 >:D I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when you escorted PushyPerson&Relatives out the door, and then locked it. {nice touch!  8) }

Jloreli

  • Member
  • Posts: 411
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2014, 06:08:12 PM »
Good heavens! You certainly do not owe her an apology! She should be apologizing to you for disrupting your party and bringing uninvited guests after specifically being told not to!

LisyLoo

  • Member
  • Posts: 28
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2014, 06:09:54 PM »
good for you, she was the rude one, so don't worry about apologizes. I bet she doesn't pull this on you again.

TeamBhakta

  • Member
  • Posts: 1634
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2014, 06:13:21 PM »
You did the right thing. What if the unwanted guests had broken or stolen something, never mind throwing off the amount of food portioned ?

Clareish

  • Member
  • Posts: 193
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2014, 06:14:09 PM »


About a week ago, Sally changed her RSVP from No to Yes.  Which was fine since I had the room. 
On Wednesday, I sent out a list of the stuff I would have on hand. Sally responds by saying she would have to leave early so her cousin wouldn’t be by herself for too long.  I respond by saying OK, thanks for letting me know. 



I just wanted to also point out this little maneuver that was another hint for you to invite her cousin. A pretty blatant hint. Sally was under no delusions at all. Again, I say this to reinforce you not allowing her guests into your house as she was fully aware of the parameters of the invitation, and ignored them.

You deserved those glasses of wine!

CrazyDaffodilLady

  • Member
  • Posts: 1409
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #8 on: December 28, 2014, 06:23:29 PM »
Kudos, PastryGoddess.  You're an inspiration to us all. 
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

SCAJAfamily

  • Member
  • Posts: 165
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2014, 06:24:46 PM »
Awesome job!  The worst thing is there was no "miscommunication" here.  She totally knew what she was doing and did it anyway. 

High five!
SCAJAfamily = dd S 24, ds C 17, ds A 14, dh J and myself dw A

POF

  • Member
  • Posts: 3201
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2014, 06:25:43 PM »
Excellent work.  I really don't understand people who can't take no for an answer. I had an employee once who refused to leave my office because her raise wasn't good enough.  She ended up being written up for disruptive behavior and insubordination and was disqualified for any merit increase though.

I am very impressed with you, this would have ruined my day .... what a jerk she was and I would not ever invite her to anything again,

weeblewobble

  • Member
  • Posts: 2648
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #11 on: December 28, 2014, 06:26:14 PM »
My mouth is dry because my jaw has hung open for the last five minutes. YIKES!  I think you handled it as best you could.  And you would have been really upset with yourself if you'd let her family in.

No, you don't owe her an apology! But I would expect her to stir up trouble the next time the group meets.

Isisnin

  • Member
  • Posts: 978
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #12 on: December 28, 2014, 06:27:27 PM »
Wow.  Sally is really something.

You do not owe her an apology.  Should she bring it up, just point out that you told her "no guests" twice (in the evite and later when she messaged you about the cousin) then bean dip.

and Applause to you!!

poundcake

  • Member
  • Posts: 1371
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #13 on: December 28, 2014, 06:33:36 PM »
I'll bet someone in your group tries to tell you that you were mean and rude by not accommodating Sally.

No way.

You are fabulous! You have every right to handle this the way you did, and I'd raise one of those glasses of wine to you.

Alicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 774
Re: No you may not come in (LONG)
« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2014, 06:34:48 PM »
Spine then wine. The perfect answer.