News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 25, 2017, 12:02:13 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Evening only - save the date  (Read 13352 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Samgirl2

  • Member
  • Posts: 237
Evening only - save the date
« on: January 22, 2015, 04:38:02 AM »
Before Christmas I received a 'save the date' postcard for a colleague's wedding which will take place in a year's time.  There was no request for an RSVP, just a ' please save the date, we would love you to join us at the evening party, invitation to follow next year'.

I am friendly with the Bride at work, I know her sister a little also through work, and I have been to one social event of her's where I met a few of her friends and her fiancee, but that was quite some time ago and I wouldn't say I know them.

The reason I don't want to attend is not that I don't like the bride, I really do, but because the invitation is to the evening reception only, and only for me, so I'd be going alone.

The wedding is taking place during an afternoon with a sit down reception for invited guests and then more people (including me) are invited for the evening party . That basically means I have to arrive at an event that will already be in full swing, on my own, where I won't know anyone really and I just don't feel comfortable doing that.

In my experience, the evening receptions are dancing, buffet, no tables, and the party is in full swing.  I don't want to go and be a wallflower and I find it terrifying to just walk up to strangers, who will no doubt have already had several drinks.

As there was no RSVP, I haven't said that I don't actually plan to attend and colleague has been on a secondment to another office so I haven't had to really see her in person. But this morning I received an email from the Bride's sister, who also works in the same company as me, saying she was planning the hen do and could she have my home email to start sending details.

Now, at what point do I say I'm not attending and how do I say it without causing offence? I'm the only colleague invited as far as I know, and I feel really flattered but I can't think that she would be totally disappointed if I said no.  But, sending the save the date a year in advance pretty much means I cant say my diary is full already and if I tell the truth do I sound ungrateful?

Runningstar

  • Member
  • Posts: 807
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2015, 05:29:44 AM »
I wonder if you said that the month of the wedding is a busy one for you and that you do not add any activities onto it.  But that you really appreciate that you were thought of and that you are so happy for the bride to be.  Not getting into any specifics, just saying that it is family stuff that goes on that month if asked.
The sister could be told the same thing basically, and that the pre-wedding parties are really not your thing and as much as you like the bride to be, you won't be attending any of the events.

veryfluffy

  • Member
  • Posts: 3120
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2015, 08:25:38 AM »
On the other hand, if you did attend the hen party, you would be meeting a number of the people that will be at the evening do, so you would end up knowing people when you arrived.

A year in advance also seems an awfully long lead time to plan the hen party anyway!
   

Hmmmmm

  • Member
  • Posts: 8883
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2015, 08:35:42 AM »
You say your not attending when you receive the invite. I'm not familiar with hen party etiquette. Is it permitted to attend it but not the reception? Personally I would have assumed the hen party invites would only include those close enough to be included in the dinner reception.

StoutGirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 132
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2015, 08:58:15 AM »
In my neck of the woods, it is common to have the ceremony and dinner, and then invite more people to the dance.  I'm not sure how much I believe in that though. 

I'll be honest, I kind of misread the OP and thought that the Save the Date was for an evening wedding.  Even though I realized my error, I do find it a little odd that the Save the Date would be worded like that and theorized that maybe a couple could be hinting that it was a child free wedding. 

OP, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do about not being comfortable about going to just the dance and not really knowing anyone.  There is no way I could do it.  Even though you know the date a year in advance (seems a little early to be sending out the announcement), there is no requirement that you go.  You do not need to give an excuse, though you might want to have an alibi ready just in case.  It might be a good weekend to go home and visit family or travel to visit a friend. 

LonniesMom

  • Member
  • Posts: 172
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2015, 09:14:01 AM »
When you receive the actual invitation, just RSVP that you regretfully decline. No reason to mention it before hand, since you are not close to the bride. If they ask a reason, you are out of town visiting family, family is in town visiting you (if you don't want to risk being spotted), whatever.

It seems rude to me to invite people not the the actual wedding but only to the reception. But, it sounds like a cultural difference.

If you do not wish to go to the Hen night, just decline and say that you have a prior obligation. If you do want to go, go ahead. I don't think that it is wrong to attend the Hen night and decline the reception invite. Also, as PPs have suggested, you may change your mind on the reception if you have fun and meet some ladies at the party.

Zizi-K

  • Member
  • Posts: 2090
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2015, 09:46:21 AM »
When you receive the actual invitation, just RSVP that you regretfully decline. No reason to mention it before hand, since you are not close to the bride. If they ask a reason, you are out of town visiting family, family is in town visiting you (if you don't want to risk being spotted), whatever.

It seems rude to me to invite people not the the actual wedding but only to the reception. But, it sounds like a cultural difference.

If you do not wish to go to the Hen night, just decline and say that you have a prior obligation. If you do want to go, go ahead. I don't think that it is wrong to attend the Hen night and decline the reception invite. Also, as PPs have suggested, you may change your mind on the reception if you have fun and meet some ladies at the party.

I agree. You don't have to say anything about the invitation now. Then hen night might be fun on its own - go to it if you want! And, if the invitation arrives for you plus a guest, then maybe you'll change your mind?

Just wanted to add that I'm impressed how on top of things the bride and her family are. Organizing the bachelorette party a year in advance??? wow.

peaches

  • Member
  • Posts: 1073
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2015, 09:47:06 AM »
A Save-the-Date announcement doesn't require a reply. Rsvp's aren't expected at this time. The time to rsvp is once you receive a wedding invitation.

When the invitation arrives, the wedding date will be close enough that you can decline the invitation due to other plans.

lowspark

  • Member
  • Posts: 5482
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2015, 10:28:49 AM »
I agree with PPs. You don't need to say whether or not you are going to any event until you receive an invitation. So for the hen party, go ahead and give your info and let them invite you. Who knows, you might end up wanting to go to one or both. Anything can happen between today and a year from now to change your mind so why burn your bridges?
Houston 
Texas 
USA 

lakey

  • Member
  • Posts: 968
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2015, 01:19:40 PM »
Quote
In my neck of the woods, it is common to have the ceremony and dinner, and then invite more people to the dance.  I'm not sure how much I believe in that though. 

I've never heard of this being done in the U.S. but I've heard that it is commonly done in the U.K. My view is that it would be seen as rude in most parts of the U.S., but fine in the U.K.

That being said, this seems simple, when the invitation arrives, RSVP "no". When the hen party details come up, say you have other plans. It doesn't sound like you are all that close to these people anyway, so they shouldn't be offended. I think you are over thinking this.

kudeebee

  • Member
  • Posts: 2702
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2015, 09:29:02 PM »
A save the date simply means mark this date on your calendar.

If you don't wish to go, rsvp "no" when the invitation arrives.  As for the hen party, if you don't want to go when you receive the invitation, same thing--rsvp "no" and say that you have another commitment.

katycoo

  • Member
  • Posts: 4204
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2015, 01:03:43 AM »
the invitation is to the evening reception only, and only for me, so I'd be going alone.

You don't know that.  You haven't been invited yet.  Your invitation may very well be a plus one - you don't put that info on a STD.

But this morning I received an email from the Bride's sister, who also works in the same company as me, saying she was planning the hen do and could she have my home email to start sending details.

Why does declining the wedding invite mean you can't attend the Hen's?  Just go along with things until you're actually invited to one or both and then rsvp as per your preference at the time.

LifeOnPluto

  • Member
  • Posts: 8132
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2015, 01:51:54 AM »
In Australia, having two tiers of wedding reception - the sit-down dinner for a subset of guests, followed by additional guests invited for dessert and dancing only would be considered rude. But I understand this is common in the UK.

The Hens Night is a complicating factor. I would imagine that only female guests invited to the dinner part of the reception would be invited to the Hens Night? Seems a little "off" to me to invite the "dessert and dancing only" guests. But perhaps UK eHellions can set me straight?

At any rate, I agree with other posters. You don't need to do anything now. Go ahead and give your email address for the Hen's Night, then when the invitations actually arrive, you can decline (or accept) depending on how you feel.

For the record, I don't believe that a Save The Date card means you MUST attend the event, unless there is a compelling reason not to. I see them as more as "heads up, this event is taking place on X date".

Sara Crewe

  • Member
  • Posts: 2928
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2015, 06:41:06 AM »
My understanding is that the historical background to the 'adding people' comes from the days when you had to get married in your home parish unless you had an (expensive) special licence.  If you could only fit 50 people in the church but wanted to invite 200 people to the wedding, this was how to do it.

Specky

  • Member
  • Posts: 762
Re: Evening only - save the date
« Reply #14 on: January 30, 2015, 01:43:41 PM »
If you don't want to attend, simply decline.  No need to give a reason or justify your decision.