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Author Topic: Invitation Dilemma  (Read 961 times)

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Outdoor Girl

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Invitation Dilemma
« on: January 09, 2018, 08:35:33 AM »
I need some help figuring this out...

I'm getting married the end of April.  DF and I decided that we would invite all our Aunts and Uncles and first cousins and the friends we wanted to invite.  And then see where we were at for room.  DF is actually closer in age to most of his first cousins, once removed, and a number of them were added to the invite list when there was room, that he sees regularly.  I wasn't planning on inviting any of my 1stOR, since I'm not particularly close to them, though I did get invited to one of their weddings a few years ago.  She now lives a several hour plane ride away and I highly doubt she'd come, even if invited.

My issue?  Her brother is getting married in the summer and I've learned that we will be invited to the wedding.  So now I'm thinking that I should be inviting him and his fiancee to our wedding. 

Which opens up a whole 'nother kettle of fish:  Do I also invite their first cousins?  And what about my 1stOR on the other side?  Do I need to invite them, too?  I'm not inviting one of my first cousins due to basically a cut direct so also wouldn't be inviting his son, though I wouldn't mind inviting him.  But I don't have his address and have no way to get it since I'm not even sure where he lives now.  And I'm now worried we'll have too many people for the venue, if we don't have many declines.  I already know there will be very few, if any, declines on my side...

It is starting to get convoluted when I thought I had the guest list pretty much done!
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

Hmmmmm

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Re: Invitation Dilemma
« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2018, 09:32:10 AM »
I think it depends on many factors:
-How many 1st cousins once removed are you talking about? If only a handfull I'd probably go ahead and invite the cousins that invited you to her wedding and her brother and fiancee.
-How close are you to any of them? For instance, in my family of origin, I knew my mom's side of the family much more than I did my Dad's side. On my Dad's side there was 34 first cousins with many of them being grown by the time I was born. By the time I married in my mid twenties I hadn't seen most of them since I my grandparent's passed away when I was 8. Of the 34 first cousin's I invited 5 with their spouses and offspring. I highly doubt the other 29 even remembered I existed let alone cared if they weren't invited to my wedding.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Invitation Dilemma
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2018, 09:44:55 AM »
It is seven people, plus their partners.  And in the case of the one who lives far away, if she did decide to come, it would have to include her three kids.  4 of them are my Dad's side; 2 of them are my Mom's.  I have marginally more contact with my Dad's side, including the one wedding invitation and the one that is likely forthcoming.

The problem is that our guest list is pretty much at its maximum due to venue size unless we end up with a lot of regrets on DF's side.  And we have no way of knowing that ahead of time.

We were golden until this little wrinkle presented itself!
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

Bada

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Re: Invitation Dilemma
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2018, 01:26:21 PM »
If another couple has enough space or money to have a large guest list, I don't think etiquette demands you try to alter time/space just to invite them to your wedding. I guess I can see it being awkward to go to theirs, but I'd just spread the word around in advance that your venue is maxed out and that you couldn't include everyone.

gramma dishes

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Re: Invitation Dilemma
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2018, 03:13:30 PM »
Every wedding is different and has to take a variety of things into account when making up the guest list.  I'd say don't even think about worrying who invited you to theirs ten years ago or who might be inviting you to one coming up shortly after yours. 

Just figure out how many people you can invite and then invite those you feel closest to.  Those people you really want to be there to share your wonderful day.

gellchom

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Re: Invitation Dilemma
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2018, 04:24:12 PM »
I am a little confused!  You write

Quote
Do I also invite their first cousins?  And what about my 1stOR on the other side? 

I may have gotten lost a bit, but to whom does the bolded "their" refer?

As to the second question, are you saying you are thinking of inviting a first cousin once removed (I'll call her "Cousin Amy") on, say, your mom's side of your family, and asking if that means you also need to invite "Cousin Bert," a first cousin once removed on your dad's side?  If that's what you mean, my answer would be absolutely not.  It's not going to show up on anyone's radar, unless I guess your dad's and mom's families know each other well. 

Once you get past, say, aunts/uncles and first cousins, in my experience, there's much less need to invite everyone in a "tier," and for sure not across family "sides."  In our family, we consider third cousins close relatives -- and even we don't invite all of them, just the ones we have a relationship with (and sometimes some we would like to renew a relationship with).  My husband's family isn't close at all with cousins past second cousins; I've never even met them in all these years.  But that doesn't mean we don't invite the more distant ones on my side, with whom we do have relationships, just to be consistent.  I strongly doubt my husband's cousins have ever even wondered how closely I am related to each of my cousins that they see at family events, and I'm sure they don't wonder why their more distant cousins aren't there, too (they never invite them, either).  Each side has their usual group there, and that's what matters to them.

If you decide to invite the cousin who is going to invite you to his wedding, I'd invite his sister, too (and their SOs, of course).  You say she's unlikely to come anyway (unless I have these people mixed up!  Maybe assign some names if this string continues?)

Anyway, this is yet another good example of something not to try to decide in the abstract or according to some rule.  Your guests aren't going to know what criteria you use anyway.  Instead, get your real people and your real numbers and estimates of attendance down on a piece of paper in front of you.  I've done this lots of times, and 90% of the time, the solution then becomes obvious.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Invitation Dilemma
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2018, 05:04:33 PM »
My first cousins on my father's side, Denise and Wanda, are invited and each have two children.  Mary and Charles are Denise's two.  I attended Mary's wedding and it seems that I will be invited to Charles' wedding come summer.  Ray and Jack are Wanda's two.  They are not yet married; no idea if I would hit the guest list for their weddings.  As this generation is first cousins to each other, I don't feel like I can invite Charles and not invite Mary, Ray and Jack.

My first cousin, Harold (invited), on my mother's side has two children who I have not interacted with very much in the last several years and I was not invited to their weddings.

I had not planned to invite any of the next generation until I found out about being invited to Charles' wedding.

I hope that is a little clearer.  :)

But it so happens that a friend has let me know that she will be unable to attend.  So It frees up a couple of spots.  I think it will be OK - Charles and his fiancÚ will take their spot.  And, as far as I know, Ray and Jack aren't seeing anyone so that would only be two more spots, since we aren't doing plus ones.  I'm sure Mary and her family will not attend due to distance and cost of flights.

I'm not going to invite Harold's two children.

After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario