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Author Topic: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?  (Read 18156 times)

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Reaver

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Okay this requires a bit of background, this might be long, sorry in advanced.  :-\

I am the only granddaughter that my Grandma knew, and when I was young this was great! I went over there a lot and  had a great time, but as I got older Grandma got disinterested (Having me come over and mocking the shows I'd watch, and find everything I like babiesh, having the grandsons/nephews go watch movies and  bowling while I had to vaccume or something b/c that was my JOB as the grandchild)

When Grandma got disinterested, I stopped putting effort into going to see her,  especially over the years she made it very clear that I was her lowest priority, it was my Aunt who held the apple of my Grandma's eye, and my brother that had her favor... so when she died, I didn't attend her funeral (I was like 15, my cat had  recently died, and I was training a new bird, I was not interested)   I did however sit down and write a journal saying my thoughts, how I didn't feel enough to cry, and basically vented, saying everything to the journal that I could NEVER say to my Grandma because she didn't CARE.

It felt  soothing, and helped me handle my pain.

My problem was this was an ONLINE Diary, and my aunt found it, and sent me an Email, the email was SCATHING! Calling me an ungrateful shrew, brat that didn't deserve any of my grandma's time,ect and was just pure venom and toxitiy from an Aunt whom I used to really look up to.

I admit Ehell I was 15 at the time, and I did 2 things...I  replied with one word to that email "Coward" and I then told my mother.

My mom TORE into her, and then later I got a really half butted apology, and I figured that was the end of it.

Nope!  it's been years, I'm in my twenties, and my aunt has it in her head that SHE is the victim still...She does things with my parents regularly (and has two kids that I have interacted with, her oldest adores me) and apparently has recently whined to my mom that "Reaver won't have anything to do with  meee"

She never invites me to stuff (I live with my parents, she has my address), She never calls me (has my number) and never emails me (Has that too)

She sends invitations to my parents, specifically with their names on them, and then still bitterly complains I won't be in her life and I quite frankly don't know how to handle it.


She recently gave me a gift card for Christmas, I sent her a text thanking her for it. (I offered to write her a letter of thanks,b ut got shot down for this idea) and  I thought maybe that would lead to the branching out of our relationship, as two adults (My aunt is only like 5 years older than me so it wouldn't be that big a stretch for us to be adult friends)

....And another invitation showed up, and still not one for me, she's still complaining to my mother that I won't let the past go and be pals with her, and I don't know what to do to handle this?

At least the polite thing, so any help would really be appreciated :-[
« Last Edit: January 26, 2015, 10:10:40 PM by Reaver »

magician5

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How to handle this? What is there to handle?

Your aunt has done nothing recently that requires a response. Let her say what she wants to other family members ... the less you try to explain, the less you'll be asked about the issue by anyone else.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

Reaver

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How to handle this? What is there to handle?

Your aunt has done nothing recently that requires a response. Let her say what she wants to other family members ... the less you try to explain, the less you'll be asked about the issue by anyone else.

The issue is, I STILL get to hear about it from my mom, I've already told her " I accepted her apology, and left the channel open, she's just having more fun playing the scorned victim, I don't know what to do" and my mom will sigh and say she knows, but then still bothers me about it, I don't really don't know how to shut this down .

 :-[

Benni

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Your aunt is playing the victim, but you would not know unless others were telling you.  The people passing on her complaints need to reply to her complaints that she needs to talk to you and not them.  They then need to bean dip.  Repeat until Aunt quits talking about you to them.

There is another option.  You could invite your aunt to dinner, make sure your family knows, and tell everyone what a great time you had.  If your aunt complains after that, no one will listen to her.

Reaver

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The dinner thing is not possible, she lives several SEVERAL hours away, and only comes into town on occasion to do things/ see my parents.

Not to mention, I really don't like the idea of having to reach out MORE to her than I already have in order to get a little bit of peace..><

GreenBird

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It sounds like this particular problem really is with your mother rather than your aunt.  When your mother brings up your aunt's complaints, you could try saying: 
"Mom, I've told you where things stand with Aunt, and I really don't want to hear about this any more.  Please drop it."

Then when she continues to bring up aunt, you can just be the broken record and keep saying "I really don't want to hear about this any more.  Please drop it." until she stops.  You can offer some bean dip after every time you say this to try to soften the delivery a little, but don't let yourself get drawn into a discussion of aunt.  Stick with the broken record response.

Your mother should probably be saying something similar to your aunt, as in, "This is between you and Reaver.  If you have anything to say about her, you can say it directly to her; I don't want to hear about it any more."  But if your mother hasn't asked for advice on how to handle aunt, I don't know that suggesting a strategy would go over well. 


MariaE

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  • So many books, so little time
You're probably not going to like this, but you don't have an aunt problem - you have a parent problem.

Your mother needs to stop passing on your aunt's complaints. This is all on her (your aunt), and you've done all that could reasonably be expected of you.

So next time your mother starts in on this subject, tell her to stop. "Mum, please stop passing on these comments from aunt. They really upset me, because they aren't true, and you know they aren't true, but when you pass them on to me, it feels like you're taking her side." ... Or something along those lines - I'm not terribly good with words.

Don't do anything about your aunt - do something about those people who are making your aunt's "playing the victim" your problem.

... GreenBird posted pretty much the same thing while I was typing. Should have waited 5 minutes and just PODded her ;)
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Reaver

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No surprise really, I'll try that with my Mom, I know I have a Parent problem, but that's a whole other can of works  :-[

Thank you though! I appreciate  you all  >3<

FauxFoodist

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What if you present your mom with the facts, like you've presented here.  Otherwise, if you've already done that, you could try, "Know what?  You're not listening to me or remember anything I've said so I'm leaving" then leave the room.  Or bean dip endlessly until she gives up.

nolechica

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Could it be that Mom really wants Aunt back in your life not that Aunt wants back in? That would explain the lack of effort.

nayberry

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2015, 02:05:18 AM »
how about "mom as soon as aunt invites me to something then i can reply, but she hasn't invited me, has she?" 

i have been through something almost similar, aunt deciding to not talk to any of us after getting shot down being a witch about me (unfounded as well!!), i tried to reach out at a relatives funeral, i was ignored completely.  that made my mind up for me.
baby berry arrived june 2016

cicero

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2015, 02:28:14 AM »
what maria and greenbird said.

write down on flash cards the one line responses. use those responses, and nothing else. repeat it as many times as you need to, or give your mother X number of chances per phone call and then hang up

"Mom, I've told you where things stand with Aunt, and I really don't want to hear about this any more.  Please drop it."


don't start explaining or apologizing.

And besides - why do you care what your aunt wants? do *you* want her in your life? she doesn't get to call the shots on your life

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Reaver

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2015, 02:58:11 AM »
I actually would quite happily welcome her back in my life, and do things with her... but she's all talk and no show really  ::)

cicero

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2015, 03:04:50 AM »
I actually would quite happily welcome her back in my life, and do things with her... but she's all talk and no show really  ::)
think about it - do you want *this person* in your life (the one treats you badly, the one who never invites you anywhere)? or do you want *the aunt that you wish you had* in your life?

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Reaver

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2015, 03:23:17 AM »
I actually would quite happily welcome her back in my life, and do things with her... but she's all talk and no show really  ::)
think about it - do you want *this person* in your life (the one treats you badly, the one who never invites you anywhere)? or do you want *the aunt that you wish you had* in your life?

 I guess I really just want a relationship with my family in my life, but I really shouldn't deal with their nonsense just to have that  :-\

I mean my parents barely include me in anything they do (They drive off and leave me with their dog) My brother is the golden child and Aunt has no issue inviting him and stuff...

I think I am simply going to be less invested in my Family in general, I have a group of amazing friends that I can rely on far more than I can any of them...

Thank you, I guess I'll continue to beandip my mom and then IF Aunt ever actually tries, I'll be polite but not invested.


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