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Author Topic: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?  (Read 18132 times)

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darkprincess

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #45 on: January 28, 2015, 05:22:15 PM »
Did you ever apologize for what you said about your grandmother online?
 
You defend what you did and you say that your aunt apologized for you for what she did, but I don't know if you really understand how hurtful and damaging that was.

To me it sounded like the OP was grieving in her own way. She has a right to grieve just like Aunt does, and there is no need to apologize for grieving.
When my father died I was in charge of making the arrangements. I recognized that many people who knew him would want to grieve with a specific religious service. I disagreed with this type of service. (it is heavy on join my church or go to hell and guilt for those who attend) I went with my family, excused myself when the worst of it started and walked around outside. Just because they grieve in a way that I don't like doesn't mean I should yell at them just like they shouldn't yell at me for leaving the service early.

The OP dealt with the death of her grandmother by writing a blog that she says was posted as an online diary. If the aunt doesn't like it she doesn't need to read it.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #46 on: January 28, 2015, 06:09:28 PM »
Did you ever apologize for what you said about your grandmother online?
 
You defend what you did and you say that your aunt apologized for you for what she did, but I don't know if you really understand how hurtful and damaging that was.

To me it sounded like the OP was grieving in her own way. She has a right to grieve just like Aunt does, and there is no need to apologize for grieving.
When my father died I was in charge of making the arrangements. I recognized that many people who knew him would want to grieve with a specific religious service. I disagreed with this type of service. (it is heavy on join my church or go to hell and guilt for those who attend) I went with my family, excused myself when the worst of it started and walked around outside. Just because they grieve in a way that I don't like doesn't mean I should yell at them just like they shouldn't yell at me for leaving the service early.

The OP dealt with the death of her grandmother by writing a blog that she says was posted as an online diary. If the aunt doesn't like it she doesn't need to read it.

The aunt apologized for what she did and she was grieving too.
 
But, the OP posted nasty stuff about the aunt's mother in a public place where she had a reasonable expectation that the aunt would see it, given that she, herself, had given the aunt a link to it in the past.  That's very cruel and she should have apologized as well.


blarg314

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #47 on: January 28, 2015, 06:23:27 PM »

The point about whether the OP has ever apologized or not is a good one.

The OP posted a rant about how she didn't love her grandmother, and wasn't particularly sad when she died, and listed fairly extensive reasons about why she didn't love her. On a public forum. That her grandmother's children had access to and knowledge of. Right after her death.

Those complaints may have been true, and the OP may have been grieving and not thinking straight. But that was still a really horrible thing to do. Deciding not to go to the funeral is a personal thing. Venting about your feelings in confidence to someone close to you would be a personal thing. Posting on a public online forum is no longer a personal thing.

If the OP is excused because she was grieving in her own way and hurt, then her aunt gets the exact same pass for reacting badly when someone trashed her mother online when she was grieving. If the aunt had to apologize for her behaviour, then the OP should have too. Not for the feelings but for posting them online.

People can have very different relationship with someone, particularly when someone plays favourites. To the OP, her grandmother was a horrible, sexist woman who ignored her in favour of other relatives and treated her badly, so the OP cut off contact. To Aunt, she may have been a wonderful mother who was deeply grieved. Those things can exist simultaneously, which can make grieving in situations like this quite complicated.

As far as the current situation goes, I agree with other posters that what the OP has is not an aunt problem, it's a family problem. The next time her mother complains, I'd go with "Aunt has made it pretty clear that she doesn't want a relationship with me. I've done X, Y and Z, and she still issues invitations to you, Dad and brother, excluding me, and then expects me to babysit when you go out. I'm okay with not having a close relationship with her, but I'm not okay with being blamed about it, and I really don't want to hear any more about what Aunt thinks." And then don't respond to any further conversation with anything but an mmm-hmmm. And try to be out of the house if you know Aunt and family are coming around, so you aren't there to babysit.

Then focus your energy into finding a job so you can move out as soon as possible. It's much easier to establish reasonable boundaries with family when you've got some controllable distance. In your own place you won't see the invitations, and they can't dump the kids on you without warning.

Sharnita

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #48 on: January 28, 2015, 08:54:18 PM »

The point about whether the OP has ever apologized or not is a good one.

The OP posted a rant about how she didn't love her grandmother, and wasn't particularly sad when she died, and listed fairly extensive reasons about why she didn't love her. On a public forum. That her grandmother's children had access to and knowledge of. Right after her death.

Those complaints may have been true, and the OP may have been grieving and not thinking straight. But that was still a really horrible thing to do. Deciding not to go to the funeral is a personal thing. Venting about your feelings in confidence to someone close to you would be a personal thing. Posting on a public online forum is no longer a personal thing.

If the OP is excused because she was grieving in her own way and hurt, then her aunt gets the exact same pass for reacting badly when someone trashed her mother online when she was grieving. If the aunt had to apologize for her behaviour, then the OP should have too. Not for the feelings but for posting them online.

People can have very different relationship with someone, particularly when someone plays favourites. To the OP, her grandmother was a horrible, sexist woman who ignored her in favour of other relatives and treated her badly, so the OP cut off contact. To Aunt, she may have been a wonderful mother who was deeply grieved. Those things can exist simultaneously, which can make grieving in situations like this quite complicated.

As far as the current situation goes, I agree with other posters that what the OP has is not an aunt problem, it's a family problem. The next time her mother complains, I'd go with "Aunt has made it pretty clear that she doesn't want a relationship with me. I've done X, Y and Z, and she still issues invitations to you, Dad and brother, excluding me, and then expects me to babysit when you go out. I'm okay with not having a close relationship with her, but I'm not okay with being blamed about it, and I really don't want to hear any more about what Aunt thinks." And then don't respond to any further conversation with anything but an mmm-hmmm. And try to be out of the house if you know Aunt and family are coming around, so you aren't there to babysit.

Then focus your energy into finding a job so you can move out as soon as possible. It's much easier to establish reasonable boundaries with family when you've got some controllable distance. In your own place you won't see the invitations, and they can't dump the kids on you without warning.

This.

Reaver

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #49 on: January 29, 2015, 03:32:41 AM »
Lots of interesting assumptions that I "trashed my grandmother and said I hated her and never loved her"  ::)

Actually the Journal was a 15 year old who was sad her grandma had died, but remembered how her Grandma snubbed all of her gifts, remembered how any present she gave her grandma was hidden, while the grandsons were put on display, the grandchild who remembered her Grandma who used to tell her parents lies about her behavior which got believed for a long time.

It was  the journal of a 15 year old who really missed her grandma, but had made her peace years ago that she was not grandma's favorite, would never be, and had made her peace with that a long time ago.

I didn't trash my Grandma, I told my Grandma in a  journal tucked away online, that I was very upset that she never seemed to love me, and that I didn't feel that I needed to be at her funeral because, I had a feeling she didn't want me there.  :-[


I understand that what I said probably hurt my Aunt, and I actually did apologize to her that my own feelings caused her pain, I put that incident behind me. (and Deleted her long LONG scathing email about how I was the lowest form of scum on earth)
« Last Edit: January 29, 2015, 03:41:37 AM by Reaver »

Sharnita

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #50 on: January 29, 2015, 04:08:50 AM »
I am unclear.  Did you not respond to her by calling her a coward? 

Reaver

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #51 on: January 29, 2015, 05:02:21 AM »
I am unclear.  Did you not respond to her by calling her a coward?

Yes because instead of talking to me face to face, she wrote a GIANT email, saying things she would NEVER SAY to my face, she didn't call me to talk about it, she instead hid behind email

I called her a coward yes, I was a sorta self righteous 15 year old at the time (I'm 25 now) that thought that if she had THAT much ire with me she could at LEAST tell me to my face, not hide behind an email   :-[

Layne

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #52 on: January 29, 2015, 05:34:27 AM »

 
But, the OP posted nasty stuff about the aunt's mother in a public place where she had a reasonable expectation that the aunt would see it, given that she, herself, had given the aunt a link to it in the past. 


The OP mentioned her relatives read her journal and in no way found it nasty.

Let me Clarify a few things

1: Yes, I am aware that at that age I was brash, and vented my feelings in what I thought was a safe place, and forgot she had the link to it, as I had shown her my art on there YEARS ago and she never acknowledged it. She replied to the diary entry SEVERAL months afterwards, spewing as much venom as she possibly could, and then linked as many family members to it as possible (They all told her that NOTHING I said was nasty, it sounded hurt, upset, and in my own way grieving,)

I am unclear.  Did you not respond to her by calling her a coward? 

I think it is unfair to keep hounding on the OP for something that she had done when she was just a teenager. OP had her grieving method, and so did her aunt, and I feel neither were wrong to feel hurt. It was just unfortunate that 15 year old OP was not aware enough to realise that such personal vents should be kept offline and private, and that aunt didn't choose to talk to the OP personally about it. The OP has updated with new info of how she has apologised and is trying not to feel awkward whenever her mom brings up her aunt's complaint of a lack of a rel@tionship.

I agree with the others that it's more of a family problem than an aunt problem.


As far as the current situation goes, I agree with other posters that what the OP has is not an aunt problem, it's a family problem. The next time her mother complains, I'd go with "Aunt has made it pretty clear that she doesn't want a relationship with me. I've done X, Y and Z, and she still issues invitations to you, Dad and brother, excluding me, and then expects me to babysit when you go out. I'm okay with not having a close relationship with her, but I'm not okay with being blamed about it, and I really don't want to hear any more about what Aunt thinks." And then don't respond to any further conversation with anything but an mmm-hmmm. And try to be out of the house if you know Aunt and family are coming around, so you aren't there to babysit.

Then focus your energy into finding a job so you can move out as soon as possible. It's much easier to establish reasonable boundaries with family when you've got some controllable distance. In your own place you won't see the invitations, and they can't dump the kids on you without warning.


I agree with this too.



Piratelvr1121

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #53 on: January 29, 2015, 07:26:49 AM »
Yeah, if other family members didn't see anything wrong with OP's entry in the journal, I can't imagine it was all that offensive.

Either that or the other relatives knew how the grandmother was and were sympathetic to the OP.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Sophia

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #54 on: January 29, 2015, 08:08:19 AM »
If I were you, I'd keep one of the envelopes that has your parent's names and your brother's name on it.  Then whip it out next time your mom pesters you about your aunt.  But really I don't think they'll actually listen.  But it might back her down that day. 

I also don't think your mom really cares whether or not you and aunt get along.  I think I remember "family embarrassment" in one of your quotes.  That is heinous that she would even think that way.  But, if it has, I suspect she really just cares about the perception that you are being shunned.  Since Aunt seems to have a higher standing in her eyes, then the shunning must be your fault.  Because otherwise she would be a major heaping pile of rancid Twinkie Doo mother for socializing with aunt and leaving you home alone with aunt's kids.  I suspect she would die rather than let anyone think that she was a major heaping pile of rancid Twinkie Doo mother.  So the reason you stay home MUST be that you really don't want to spend time with Aunt. 

Really, you need to get far away from these people, and don't come back for holidays. 

Reaver

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #55 on: January 29, 2015, 08:48:57 AM »
She most certainly finds me an embarrassment, we once went clothes shopping and I'm not exactly a skinny Minnie (neither is she fyi) and I was looking at some shirts, but she kept tugging me over to the -size too small- section...I asked her why we were even looking over here , none of this stuff would fit.

"Oh you can just lose weight, I'm not embarrassing myself by being in that plus size section"

 :-[

Just gonna have to grin and bear it till I can get out of here I guess

z_squared82

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #56 on: January 29, 2015, 09:06:53 AM »
She most certainly finds me an embarrassment, we once went clothes shopping and I'm not exactly a skinny Minnie (neither is she fyi) and I was looking at some shirts, but she kept tugging me over to the -size too small- section...I asked her why we were even looking over here , none of this stuff would fit.

"Oh you can just lose weight, I'm not embarrassing myself by being in that plus size section"

 :-[

Just gonna have to grin and bear it till I can get out of here I guess

The correct response to that is, "Well, you don't have to shop with me."

Good luck.

Sophia

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #57 on: January 29, 2015, 09:10:35 AM »
..."Oh you can just lose weight, I'm not embarrassing myself by being in that plus size section"...

My mom calls it the "Petite ladies" section.  As in too short for your weight. 

Your mom is delusional.  You know that, right?   

My mom's mom was a real piece of work, and I saw how much it caused her pain.  (Big hug)

citadelle

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #58 on: January 29, 2015, 09:33:23 AM »
OP, it sounds like you are still very angry with your aunt. What kind of relationship with her would you like to have? If she is lamenting that you and she are not close, perhaps she would like to repair the relationship. Is that something you want? If so, could you tell her that? I think it really depends on whether you are ready to forgive the past and move forward. If you are, but she's not, you would get that information from talking with her. If she is ready, and so are you, you could then move forward. It seems to me that you could both be forgiven for hasty actions taken in grief ten years ago.

Good luck.

Wordgeek

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Re: Aunt wants in my life but doesn't want to put in ANY effort, what do I do?
« Reply #59 on: January 29, 2015, 09:47:36 AM »
The etiquette aspect of the situation has been adequately addressed.
Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.


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