News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 21, 2017, 11:53:39 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of  (Read 13235 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Specky

  • Member
  • Posts: 762
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #15 on: January 30, 2015, 01:35:53 PM »
The wedding isn't until November?  This is January, so 9+ months before the event, and more than plenty of time for a decision change.  She should back out politely, but she should back out now if she doesn't want to participate.  No JADE necessary. 

#borecore

  • Member
  • Posts: 5171
  • Extreme normcore
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #16 on: January 30, 2015, 01:45:19 PM »
I think she should set firm boundaries, including budgetary and time-wise. And stick to them.

She shouldn't commit to more than buying a dress and being there for a rehearsal and wedding. None of the craftsy stuff or other wedding planning or extra parties except a shower if there is one, maybe a bachelorette.

But I agree with some that backing out now would likely irreparably harm a close relationship between her SO and his close friend. I don't think it's right to do that right now. 

cicero

  • Member
  • Posts: 19618
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2015, 04:08:04 AM »
If she wants to bow out - she should bow out sooner rather than later. not because she "disapproves of the wedding" but because. the bride has plenty of time to get things moving along, and as far as i understand, anna hasn't actually done anything yet in terms of the "wedding tasks". she should make something up (there are plenty of good suggestions in this thread) or some variation of the truth without going into too much details.

But she had to know that this will come with a price - it could very well strain or ruin the relationship between Her & Ben and Charlie & Desdemona.

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

peaches

  • Member
  • Posts: 1073
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2015, 08:52:25 AM »
I think Anna should honor the commitment she made to be a bridesmaid. She didn't have to say yes, and she doesn't have a valid reason for backing out at this time IMO. She can be a minimally involved bridesmaid, though.

There would likely be fallout if she pulls out now, and friendships would be damaged.

Sometimes we have to accept the consequences of decisions we wish we hadn't  made. 


gellchom

  • Member
  • Posts: 3722
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2015, 10:13:50 AM »
I also think that "disapproving of the match" is no reason to refuse to be an attendant, if it wouldn't be a big enough reason to refuse to be a guest at all (which would have to be a very big reason indeed).  There just isn't that much difference between the two roles.

Being an attendant does not mean you are particularly blessing or stating approval of the match any more than anyone else.  "Bridesmaid" is just an honorary title, for a fun but ultimately meaningless role in the proceedings.  I don't mean it has no personal meaning; of course it often has a great deal.  I mean no formal or official meaning, like being an officiant or witness.  After all, there don't have to be any attendants at all. 

If you (general you) don't want to be an attendant in someone's wedding because you don't want to buy a dress or participate in shopping and such or you just don't like them, fine, decline.  But making such a big deal about whether your being an attendant makes some sort of statement about your opinion of the match is really making a bit too much of your role.

The same goes for being a guest: if you don't want to attend for whatever reason, just decline.  Conversely, if you want to attend even though you think that the marriage is a bad idea, go ahead.  Your presence or absence is not a stamp of either approval or disapproval.

I believe there are some rituals that ask the guests to say "We do" to some question about support of the union, although I've never seen this -- I think that you could easily just be discreetly silent if you would feel guilty about saying yes.  But even if you disapprove of the match, you might still feel comfortable agreeing to support the couple, which is not the same thing as saying you think they are perfect for each other.  Parents do it all the time!   :)  (no, not me!  I love my kids-in-law. :))
« Last Edit: June 10, 2015, 01:59:27 PM by gellchom »

Mergatroyd

  • Member
  • Posts: 1670
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #20 on: February 12, 2015, 07:23:59 PM »
I really have to agree with gellchom here. I think it would be a mistake to back out now. I find it to be rude for a couple of reasons. Other than having a personality that Anna doesn't like, Desdemona hasn't really done anything wrong. She even agreed to tailor her wedding date to ensure Anna would be there. I think it would be a pretty big slap in Desdemona's face if Anna were to back out now, and by proxy, in Charlie's face as well, barring some kind of unavoidable reason.

I don't think it's bad to let Desdemona know she wants to scale back or to demote herself to bridesmaid with D's future SIL stepping up to MOH, but I think it's really too late to back out entirely now, especially considering that Ben will still be best man.

Pod. I think backing out of the wedding will have a disasterous effect on the friendship between the groom and anna's DH. At least at this wedding, Anna will get to dance with her own husband during the head table dance.

LtPowers

  • Member
  • Posts: 474
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2015, 08:47:18 PM »
At least at this wedding, Anna will get to dance with her own husband during the head table dance.

The what now?  Surely you're not suggesting that the bridesmaids and groomsmen ought to be paired off as if they were romantic couples?  What if the sides are uneven?  What if they are not strictly divided by gender?


Powers  &8^]

lmyrs

  • Member
  • Posts: 1765
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #22 on: February 13, 2015, 07:41:31 AM »
At least at this wedding, Anna will get to dance with her own husband during the head table dance.

The what now?  Surely you're not suggesting that the bridesmaids and groomsmen ought to be paired off as if they were romantic couples?  What if the sides are uneven?  What if they are not strictly divided by gender?


Powers  &8^]

Then you adapt - add a couple of people to the dance. Have them dance with their spouse. Anything you want. Surely, this isn't some horrible faux pas. Every wedding I've ever been in has me dancing with a groomsman at the beginning of the night. It's to help start the dancing part of the evening. A signal that the "floor is open". I'm not sure why you're so shocked at this. It's pretty common practice.

HannahGrace

  • Member
  • Posts: 1282
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #23 on: February 13, 2015, 07:58:31 AM »
At least at this wedding, Anna will get to dance with her own husband during the head table dance.

The what now?  Surely you're not suggesting that the bridesmaids and groomsmen ought to be paired off as if they were romantic couples?  What if the sides are uneven?  What if they are not strictly divided by gender?


Powers  &8^]

Then you adapt - add a couple of people to the dance. Have them dance with their spouse. Anything you want. Surely, this isn't some horrible faux pas. Every wedding I've ever been in has me dancing with a groomsman at the beginning of the night. It's to help start the dancing part of the evening. A signal that the "floor is open". I'm not sure why you're so shocked at this. It's pretty common practice.

Interesting!  There must be a regional element because I've never seen this kind of dance.

gellchom

  • Member
  • Posts: 3722
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #24 on: February 13, 2015, 09:08:10 AM »
Neither have I.

Kaypeep

  • Member
  • Posts: 2551
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #25 on: February 13, 2015, 09:26:30 AM »
I've never heard of anything specifically called "Head Table Dance" but at pretty much every BWW I've been to the wedding party is announced as they enter the room, then the bride and groom are announced and come in to start their first dance.  At some point in the first dance everyone else is invited to join in and the wedding party will usually join them as pairs as they were paired in the church.   Is that what you mean by "head table dance?"


gellchom

  • Member
  • Posts: 3722
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2015, 10:03:08 AM »
I've never heard of anything specifically called "Head Table Dance" but at pretty much every BWW I've been to the wedding party is announced as they enter the room, then the bride and groom are announced and come in to start their first dance.  At some point in the first dance everyone else is invited to join in and the wedding party will usually join them as pairs as they were paired in the church.   Is that what you mean by "head table dance?"

Maybe it's different for Jewish weddings, where there is less focus on attendants and more on family (eg, I've never been to a wedding where attendants were seated at a special table and without their escorts), but I've never seen the attendants introduced or doing a special dance.  Just the couple and their parents dance, and usually just the couple are announced as they enter, but sometimes parents, too. 

Mergatroyd

  • Member
  • Posts: 1670
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #27 on: February 13, 2015, 10:22:00 AM »
Lmyrs is right. Every wedding I have been to (10 or more) the dancing kicks off with the Bride and Groom, then halfway through the song they are joined by the groomsmen and bridesmaids, paired up as they were when they left the church.  The parents of the happy couple will sometimes get up at this point as well, and then after that the dance is on and everyone dances with anyone - until the father daughter dance at which point the bride dances with her dad, then halfway through that other fathers can also dance with their daughters, and the groom will sometimes dance with his mother.

If there is an odd number of attendants or the pairings aren't opposite sex, depending on the personalities of the people involved, they will either dance together anyways (to great humour) or bring up their spouse/date/ flowergirl/ring boy (which can be supercute!) to dance with.

Is it just a Canadian thing?
« Last Edit: February 13, 2015, 10:24:56 AM by Mergatroyd »

LtPowers

  • Member
  • Posts: 474
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #28 on: February 13, 2015, 10:45:05 AM »
I'd be lying if I said I'd never heard of this idea (though never by that name), but etiquette does frown on treating (or portraying) attendants as potential romantic partners, and on obliging them to dance with particular partners not of their choice.

A wedding is not a theatrical production where participants are put on display for the entertainment of an audience.


Powers  &8^]

Mary Lennox

  • Member
  • Posts: 575
Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2015, 10:50:09 AM »
I'd be lying if I said I'd never heard of this idea (though never by that name), but etiquette does frown on treating (or portraying) attendants as potential romantic partners, and on obliging them to dance with particular partners not of their choice.

A wedding is not a theatrical production where participants are put on display for the entertainment of an audience.


Powers  &8^]

For one dance? And in most cases, not even a full dance? Sure, I'd rather dance with my boyfriend, but I have all night to do that. I don't think 30 seconds with "my partner" to make the bride and groom happy is too much to ask for most people.