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Author Topic: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of  (Read 13268 times)

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whatsanenigma

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2015, 11:26:50 AM »
I'd be lying if I said I'd never heard of this idea (though never by that name), but etiquette does frown on treating (or portraying) attendants as potential romantic partners, and on obliging them to dance with particular partners not of their choice.

A wedding is not a theatrical production where participants are put on display for the entertainment of an audience.


Powers  &8^]

For one dance? And in most cases, not even a full dance? Sure, I'd rather dance with my boyfriend, but I have all night to do that. I don't think 30 seconds with "my partner" to make the bride and groom happy is too much to ask for most people.

That actually could be a good way of physically getting more couples onto the dance floor.  For the first bit of the song, you and your groomsman dance, then at a certain time, you two separate and start dancing with your own partners - you with your boyfriend and your groomsman with his date/partner/spouse/whatever applies.  I can imagine several pairs of bridesmaids/groomsmen doing this and that the overall effect would actually be quite charming.  One bm/gm pair at a time could separate or they could all do it at once, either way worked out in advance with everyone's actual partners, who would be prepared to step in at the right cue.   As long as it was a slower dance, I guess - I would not want to try some elaborately choreographed thing or even a "fast dance" for that.  And there is of course the issue of the attendant who doesn't  have a date at the wedding, but even then, that could be worked around by finding someone suitable to take over dancing with him or her when the time was right.

lmyrs

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #31 on: February 13, 2015, 11:31:14 AM »
I'd be lying if I said I'd never heard of this idea (though never by that name), but etiquette does frown on treating (or portraying) attendants as potential romantic partners, and on obliging them to dance with particular partners not of their choice.

A wedding is not a theatrical production where participants are put on display for the entertainment of an audience.


Powers  &8^]

I'm not sure why you think that having a dance with someone portrays them as a romantic pairing. I cannot imagine watching two people dance and automatically assuming that they were a couple. Unless they were getting all schmoopy with eachother, I guess. I think about the wedding dances I've been to and if the act of dancing with someone implies that I am romantically linked to them, then I sure hang out with and am related to an awful lot of harlots. I mean, we've been known to swap partners in the middle of a dance. Shocking.

I guess if you belong to a religion or culture where you are not allowed to dance with someone who is not your romantic partner, then that would make sense, but I've never been to a wedding like that. How boring to only be able to dance with one person.

And, the "bridal party" dance is not an "entertainment display". What an insulting thing to say. It's just as I stated above and others have stated since: the "kick off" to the dancing. The indication that the floor is open. An invitation to all of the guests to join them. It's not some choreographed thing. It's just a dance, some kind of fox trot or waltz or something. It's hardly a show.


Hmmmmm

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #32 on: February 13, 2015, 11:33:20 AM »
I'd be lying if I said I'd never heard of this idea (though never by that name), but etiquette does frown on treating (or portraying) attendants as potential romantic partners, and on obliging them to dance with particular partners not of their choice.

A wedding is not a theatrical production where participants are put on display for the entertainment of an audience.


Powers  &8^]

How is dancing together portraying them as potential romantic partners? There's lots of "obligatory" dances at weddings and none of them are seen as romantic pairing other than the bride and groom. Dancing isn't always about romance. Shoot, I grew up dancing with my Dad, BIL's, cousins and friends of my parents. There was no romance there.

Bride/Dad, Groom/Mother, Bride/FOG,Groom/MOB, BestMan/MOB, MOH/FOG, MOB/FOG....


whatsanenigma

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #33 on: February 13, 2015, 11:40:30 AM »

And, the "bridal party" dance is not an "entertainment display". What an insulting thing to say. It's just as I stated above and others have stated since: the "kick off" to the dancing. The indication that the floor is open. An invitation to all of the guests to join them. It's not some choreographed thing. It's just a dance, some kind of fox trot or waltz or something. It's hardly a show.

No more and no less than anything about a wedding is an "entertainment display", I would say.  Because in a way, it all kind of is.  But it's entertainment for everyone - the HC, the families, the other guests.  There are certainly ways that this "entertainment display" can be taken too far, such as by choosing wedding party members for looks rather than closeness, or insisting that everyone wear the exact same style of shoe when it is not suitable for everyone.  But overall, I think that weddings and receptions with guests (as opposed to, the couple runs down to city hall one afternoon and gets it done, short and sweet) are all kind of relying on "entertainment" for their success.  And this is not a bad thing at all - after all, who wants bored guests?

Please note, I'm not disagreeing with anything you've said.  I'm just doing some musing on "entertainment display" and what it actually means in the context of a wedding.

Mergatroyd

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #34 on: February 13, 2015, 11:44:03 AM »
I have started a poll in the reception thread, so as to let this thread get back on track regarding the OP. It would be most interesting if you could all go take it, and continue the discussion there!

Lynn2000

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #35 on: February 13, 2015, 02:48:49 PM »
I'm coming around to the idea of sticking with the wedding. Set boundaries on time and money; offer to let the SIL be the maid of honor instead; be alert to any suggestion the bride is regretting her choice, so you can graciously (secretly jumping with delight) step down. But, I can see how bringing up the idea of stepping down yourself, could be interpreted very badly by the bride, and have serious repercussions for all the friendships.
~Lynn2000

gellchom

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #36 on: February 13, 2015, 03:06:56 PM »
OP, any update?  What did Anna do?

kudeebee

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #37 on: February 13, 2015, 04:02:58 PM »
Anna should stay in the wedding, but needs to clarify what she is able (in this case actually willing) to do.

Something like:   "Des, I can go shopping with you at bridal store on xxdate.  I need to let you know that work and other commitments are going to keep me pretty busy this year, so i am afraid I won't have time to do anything other than the one shopping date and being able to come to the rehearsal and wedding.  If you would like your fsil to take over as moh and do other wedding related activities with you, I totally understand."

You are stating your boundaries--and I agree with others that this needs to be said in front of your bf and the groom to be so that there is no misunderstanding.  Anna needs to talk with her bf ahead of time so that he knows what you are going to say and will back you up--this is important, you don't need him to contradict what you are saying or to try and convince you otherwise.  If Des tries to argue, persuade you, guilt you--you repeat the same thing two or three times and then say something like "Des, I have told you what I can do.  I totally understand if you don't want me in the wedding party anymore.  What is your decision?"  Again, all of this needs to be discussed in front of the guys.

Sidenote on dances--around here it works pretty much like this:
HC first dance
Bride/father--if done
Groom/mother--if done
Wedding party ("pairings" dance with each other, then parents join in, then sometimes grandparents join
Everyone dances

Redneck Gravy

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #38 on: June 10, 2015, 11:19:09 AM »
Bumping this thread to see if there are any updates

shhh its me

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #39 on: June 10, 2015, 12:57:39 PM »
Yeah, I forgot about that they moved the date for Anna.  Another very big reason not to back out now without a major reason.

So is the fact that she has let this sit for two months.  If her dislike for Desdemona were so intense that she can't be a bridesmaid, how did she not know that two months ago?  I get it that she felt put on the spot, but that's not the same thing as having been forced.  It might have been awkward to decline, but if that's what she wanted to do, she needed to do it, awkward or not.  She had to choose between being uncomfortable then (declining) or now (participating), and although I acknowledge that's no fun, she did have a choice, and she made it.  Nothing has really changed since to justify reneging on her commitment.

As the OP says,
Quote
Anna said yes two months ago and feels she's left it far too long to back out. She feels even more caught, because the original date that the couple were just talking about was changed because Anna couldn't make that date.

Anna has it right, IMO.  There would have to be a much better reason to back out entirely at this point.

But there isn't.  She just doesn't want to do it, because she just doesn't like Desdemona, and I really do understand (I'd hate it, too!), but that's not a good enough reason. 

It would have been a good enough reason to say no when originally asked, but she didn't.  Having felt put on the spot isn't a good enough excuse for that; she could've called within a day or two and withdrawn.

Anna knows what the right thing to do is -- for Ben and Charlie's sakes, even if she doesn't care at all about Desdemona's feelings.  But I do think that scaling back to bridesmaid from MOH and setting reasonable limits on what she is willing to do is fine.

POD 
"I made a rash decision " is appropriate  72 hours= a week after saying "yes." and there is a point of no return after they changed the wedding date.

Some of the PPs responses would soften the blow but there is no way to do this without being "That person who randomly broke a major promise without any cause." .  If this damaged the grooms relationship with his best-friend and OPs relationship with him , that would be completely understandable up and including ending the friendship.  The bride may be a terrible person but bowing out now would be a terrible act  , both rude and cruel. 


Miss Cathy

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #40 on: June 10, 2015, 05:28:07 PM »
OP here with an update!

After I wrote, Anna had no contact with Desdemona for months. Eventually Anna contacted Desdemona. Anna started to explain that her job (which I think started after the bridesmaid agreement) was very exhausting, and along with the four hour daily commute and Anna and Ben's plans to move house to be closer to work, she was worried she wouldn't be able to give Des the bridesmaid support she had planned and..and... Then Desdemona interrupted to say that, no worries, the wedding was postponed anyway, and will take place some time next year, probably. Anna took this as a chance to bow out, she'd rather not commit that far in advance, but of course she looks forward to coming as a guest.

I didn't mention before, but apparently Desdemona asked Charlie's mother to also be one of her bridesmaids.

gellchom

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Re: How to bow out of a wedding you disapprove of
« Reply #41 on: June 10, 2015, 11:01:39 PM »
Thanks for the update!  Problem solved.

I like Desdemona a little better now.  I think it is charming of her to ask her future MIL to be an attendant.