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Author Topic: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?  (Read 20614 times)

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NFPwife

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #15 on: February 15, 2015, 09:19:52 PM »
Even without the aspect of your own wedding/honeymoon, I would not spend $2100+ and three days of my time for someone else's wedding. Other people's weddings just aren't that important to me. There are far more important (to me) things that I can spend that time and money on. The friends are being extremely unreasonable. And who the heck has a wedding without so much a providing some sort of reception afterward for their guests? Doubly so when they expect people to outlay a significant amount of time and money.

If I'm understanding correctly, they are now playing hardball about participating in (even attending?) your wedding? If so, it might be time to call their bluff, so to speak. Let friends know that you understand if they can't commit it being in your wedding now that they have their own wedding to worry about and that you'd love to have them attend as guests. Set a firm deadline that you need to know by. If they haven't gotten back to you by that time, ask the brother/someone else.

ETA:  Don't for one second feel guilty about not attending this wedding.

I totally agree with the bolded. Given the way this was laid out, there is no way DH and I would attend. If it was in a tropical locale and it was $2120 for an all inclusive resort for a week, airfare included. We'd still have to think about it. I'd be telling them, "It's not in the budget." (I prefer that to "We can't afford it," for a couple reasons. It shifts it, a little, from the "we vs. you" and blames the budget. It tells them you're discriminating with money. And, if they say, "You went to Europe!" you can say, "Oh. That was in the budget." :D

I think you're handling this well. Ignore the snark, stay classy, and move on.

Mergatroyd

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #16 on: February 15, 2015, 09:28:47 PM »
Going to a wedding where the HC lives isn't a destination wedding to me, and goodness knows as a child nearly every wedding we attended was 'back home' and required us to drive for 12 or more hours. Destination weddings involve everyone having to travel. I am pretty sure that some people will dissagree with me, but that's just my take on it.

A few years ago, my sister got married in nextprovince, we drove 7 hours there and stayed two nights then drove home. The next weekend, we drove five hours in a different direction, for DH's brother's legal ceremony. BIL and his DF had decided to get 'married' in Mexico. With six months notice, there was no way we could swing the 10000$ that it would have cost us to fly our family of four to the mexican resort for a week. (Leaving the kids behind sadly wasn't an option, we had no family in ourtown, and would have had to drive 9 hours to drop the kids off with my folks.) They were dissapointed I am sure, but oh well.
Anytime someone decides on a destination wedding, they are taking the risk that a lot of people won't be able to make it. That is just the way it is. We love them, but it's just not worth taking out a loan to go on a vacation that we have no choice in.

NFPwife

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #17 on: February 15, 2015, 09:35:48 PM »
Going to a wedding where the HC lives isn't a destination wedding to me, and goodness knows as a child nearly every wedding we attended was 'back home' and required us to drive for 12 or more hours. Destination weddings involve everyone having to travel. I am pretty sure that some people will dissagree with me, but that's just my take on it.

A few years ago, my sister got married in nextprovince, we drove 7 hours there and stayed two nights then drove home. The next weekend, we drove five hours in a different direction, for DH's brother's legal ceremony. BIL and his DF had decided to get 'married' in Mexico. With six months notice, there was no way we could swing the 10000$ that it would have cost us to fly our family of four to the mexican resort for a week. (Leaving the kids behind sadly wasn't an option, we had no family in ourtown, and would have had to drive 9 hours to drop the kids off with my folks.) They were dissapointed I am sure, but oh well.
Anytime someone decides on a destination wedding, they are taking the risk that a lot of people won't be able to make it. That is just the way it is. We love them, but it's just not worth taking out a loan to go on a vacation that we have no choice in.

I know of brides and grooms who told people to "just charge it" when it came to expenses related to either being in or attending their (B&G's) wedding. I was appalled that someone presume to tell someone else to go into debt just so they could have their perfect day.

sammycat

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2015, 09:53:56 PM »
Going to a wedding where the HC lives isn't a destination wedding to me, and goodness knows as a child nearly every wedding we attended was 'back home' and required us to drive for 12 or more hours. Destination weddings involve everyone having to travel. I am pretty sure that some people will dissagree with me, but that's just my take on it.

I agree with you. ;D

And, if they say, "You went to Europe!" you can say, "Oh. That was in the budget." :D

It wouldn't surprise me if the other couple does say or hint along these lines. Not to mention the European trip is for OP's own honeymoon. If anyone suggested I give up (part of) my honeymoon, or even just a normal overseas holiday, either to free up time and/or money, to attend their wedding or event I'd think they were crazy and incredibly selfish and self absorbed. It might even be friendship breaker.

NFPwife

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #19 on: February 15, 2015, 09:58:30 PM »
Going to a wedding where the HC lives isn't a destination wedding to me, and goodness knows as a child nearly every wedding we attended was 'back home' and required us to drive for 12 or more hours. Destination weddings involve everyone having to travel. I am pretty sure that some people will dissagree with me, but that's just my take on it.

I agree with you. ;D

And, if they say, "You went to Europe!" you can say, "Oh. That was in the budget." :D

It wouldn't surprise me if the other couple does say or hint along these lines. Not to mention the European trip is for OP's own honeymoon. If anyone suggested I give up (part of) my honeymoon, or even just a normal overseas holiday, either to free up time and/or money, to attend their wedding or event I'd think they were crazy and incredibly selfish and self absorbed. It might even be friendship breaker.

I give people a lot of latitude around wedding things, I just expect everyone to get a little egocentric about something, but being told to cut my honeymoon would definitely cool the friendship for me.

kudeebee

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #20 on: February 16, 2015, 12:08:06 AM »
I think you are worrying about it too much.  They other couple (OC) knows that you are having a wedding and taking a honeymoon, which require days off from your jobs.  You told them when asked, that if their wedding was more than a 4-5 hour drive you wouldn't be able to make it.  So, they know the situation.

However, they have decided they want to get married at this particular place (combo wedding/honeymoon, it sounds like) and if they can get 15 people to book for 3 nights, they get everything for free.  What I find unacceptable is that they are not supplying any hospitality for their guests at all in the way of any type of a reception. 

I imagine they are unhappy that noone is going to sign up and spend $2100, give or take, to watch them get married in a 15 minute ceremony.  They chose the venue, issued the invitations, and have to accept that not everyone--or in this case, anyone--will attend.

Stop buying into their attempts at guilt.  You have nothing to be guilty about.  Come up with a stock phrase and use it.  Something like  "We cannot attend your wedding as we cannot get the days off.  We wish you the best."  Do not explain over and over.

I am glad you gave them a deadline to respond.  If you don't hear anything by midweek, have df call them with you present and tell his bf that he totally understands that they have a lot going on and so he is releasing him from the best man duties; that he hopes they can still attend the wedding. (Though if it was me, I would hope they don't come as I could see them badmouthing you the whole time.)  Then ask his brother and move on.

I would not expend any more energy on this couple.

ps--I don't consider your wedding to be a destination wedding, either.  You have simply chosen a location that is midpoint between where your families are.  You aren't requiring people to travel to a faraway place, book rooms for a minimum number of nights, vacation someplace they don't want to.  Most guests can arrive the day of the wedding and be home the next day,  midday.

gellchom

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #21 on: February 16, 2015, 10:52:29 AM »
Why fire the other guy as BM, though?  That seems pretty extreme for this situation, even if the OP and her fiance now have "buyer's remorse" and wish they hadn't asked him.

What has he really done that would justify such a major slap?  The other couple made their own wedding plans in a way that means that OP and her fiance can't attend, which is really their privilege to do, and at most they (and was it him, too, or just his fiancee?) said things that the OP felt were guilt-inducing -- although one person's urging is another person's pressure; see discussions of "askers" vs. "hinters.  Not nice if that's so, but not a major crime against the nation, either.  Firing a best man is kinda dropping the big one; in my opinion, a major overreaction even reading everything in the worst light for that couple.  And this guy is presumably a close friend of the OP's fiance; I assume he doesn't want to destroy that relationship.

At most, perhaps he could talk to him and say something like, "You know, although we originally thought we could manage both our own wedding and standing up for yours in a close time frame, once we got to it, we could see it was a little overwhelming for us, and as you know, we won't even be able to make it to yours.  So that got me to thinking: maybe you are also feeling a bit overwhelmed and wish you hadn't agreed to be my best man but are just too polite to say anything.  If that's the case, I want you to know that I totally understand if you'd rather just attend as guests; I'm sure that one of my brothers would stand up for me."

camlan

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #22 on: February 16, 2015, 10:58:14 AM »
Why fire the other guy as BM, though?  That seems pretty extreme for this situation, even if the OP and her fiance now have "buyer's remorse" and wish they hadn't asked him.

What has he really done that would justify such a major slap?  The other couple made their own wedding plans in a way that means that OP and her fiance can't attend, which is really their privilege to do, and at most they (and was it him, too, or just his fiancee?) said things that the OP felt were guilt-inducing -- although one person's urging is another person's pressure; see discussions of "askers" vs. "hinters.  Not nice if that's so, but not a major crime against the nation, either.  Firing a best man is kinda dropping the big one; in my opinion, a major overreaction even reading everything in the worst light for that couple.  And this guy is presumably a close friend of the OP's fiance; I assume he doesn't want to destroy that relationship.

At most, perhaps he could talk to him and say something like, "You know, although we originally thought we could manage both our own wedding and standing up for yours in a close time frame, once we got to it, we could see it was a little overwhelming for us, and as you know, we won't even be able to make it to yours.  So that got me to thinking: maybe you are also feeling a bit overwhelmed and wish you hadn't agreed to be my best man but are just too polite to say anything.  If that's the case, I want you to know that I totally understand if you'd rather just attend as guests; I'm sure that one of my brothers would stand up for me."

I don't think the OP and her DF want to fire the BM, so much as get a decision from him as to whether or not he will be attending their wedding. And with enough time to find someone else to stand up with DF, as the BM will be his only attendant.

Asking him if he still wants to be in the wedding party, giving him a specific date to respond by--both are good ideas.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


mime

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #23 on: February 16, 2015, 01:40:48 PM »
Thanks.  We are doing that right now.  About 10 minutes ago, we got a curt text back from the bride who explained to us "we haven't even thought about your wedding at all, I guess we should talk about that".  We explained we understand if they can't make it but we need to know if we need to find another attendant.  Hopefully we will hear something.

FoxPaws, totally agree - time to drop the rope.  And one of the bros is already on standby as of this afternoon when my sister encouraged us to reach out to him (she's my MoH, incredibly organized, and is trying to plan things for us but doesn't want to do it alone.  DF is closest to the brother 10 years older than he is (he is the youngest and this brother is the middle brother).  And, since he's so much younger, this really should not impact the dynamic of the family or offend anyone, quite honestly.

The bolded sounds to me like the bride is attempting to punish you: "You can't come to our wedding, so I'm going to start hinting right now that we won't go to yours. How d'ya like them apples?"

I think a B&G can plan any destination wedding they wish as long as they understand that the more cost, the more travel, the more remote, etc, the fewer guests they'll have as they are asking for more and more of their guests' time and money budgets. Their expectations have to be measured against the hurdles they set up for their guests to attend.

OP, it sounds like you recognize this and are doing the best in your situation to make attendance do-able for your guests. It sounds like your friends are not. I think the more guilt-trippy they become, the less inclined I'd be to even consider attending. The suggestion that you should give up your honeymood is ridiculous.


Mergatroyd

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #24 on: February 16, 2015, 01:48:02 PM »
Why fire the other guy as BM, though?  That seems pretty extreme for this situation, even if the OP and her fiance now have "buyer's remorse" and wish they hadn't asked him.

What has he really done that would justify such a major slap?  The other couple made their own wedding plans in a way that means that OP and her fiance can't attend, which is really their privilege to do, and at most they (and was it him, too, or just his fiancee?) said things that the OP felt were guilt-inducing -- although one person's urging is another person's pressure; see discussions of "askers" vs. "hinters.  Not nice if that's so, but not a major crime against the nation, either.  Firing a best man is kinda dropping the big one; in my opinion, a major overreaction even reading everything in the worst light for that couple.  And this guy is presumably a close friend of the OP's fiance; I assume he doesn't want to destroy that relationship.

At most, perhaps he could talk to him and say something like, "You know, although we originally thought we could manage both our own wedding and standing up for yours in a close time frame, once we got to it, we could see it was a little overwhelming for us, and as you know, we won't even be able to make it to yours.  So that got me to thinking: maybe you are also feeling a bit overwhelmed and wish you hadn't agreed to be my best man but are just too polite to say anything.  If that's the case, I want you to know that I totally understand if you'd rather just attend as guests; I'm sure that one of my brothers would stand up for me."

I don't get the feeling OP wants to 'fire' the BM. As I understand it, the BM hasn't even confirmed that he'll be attending the wedding... Which would be a bit awkward to find out last minute. "Sure dude, I'll be your best man! I probably won't come to the wedding though, since you can't make it to mine that was planned after yours and is right after your honeymoon in a totally different far off destination!"

gellchom

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #25 on: February 16, 2015, 02:28:49 PM »
I think I was picking up a "fire the guy" vibe from some other posters, not the OP, and rereading the posts, I think that's overstating it.  I agree that it's fair for the OP and her fiance to say that they need a definite answer about being best man by some point if they really are waffling.

But I would still tread very lightly.  It's easy for us to talk, but there is a close friendship at stake, and we all know how touchy anything having to do with weddings can be and how easily feelings get hurt.

sulygirl

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #26 on: February 17, 2015, 08:29:41 AM »
Hey just checking in.

So, we have resolved this (somewhat).

FINALLY got ahold of OC after more than 2 weeks of wanting him to just call.  But we still didn't get ahold of BM directly.  His fiance translated for us (which worries me).  I would never think to do this on my DF's behalf but whatever.  Anyhow, she told us they "hadn't even given it any thought" (meaning attending ours or making reservations or anything, I guess) and that they would talk about it and then respond.  They also had had a rather stressful weekend and were annoyed we were asking them (according to her).  I'm over that.  They have no clue how stressful our weekend was - what with determining our immediate neighbors in the duplex side next door may or may not have bedbugs - but we did not make this a tit for tat just said, "I'm sorry but we need to make rehearsal dinner reservations and need to know".  You know, because he agreed to this 6 months ago?!

Anyhow, they got back to us.  They first said they couldn't come because of their child.  We had assured them numerous times before that the child could be taken care of on site by a childcare provider we could pay for.  My sister has friends that she used to nanny with and at least one of them will be on-premises.  We said that if they did not feel comfortable with this, we would totally understand but that offer still stood.  They finally agreed to come both days (for the rehearsal) and bring the child (which we would pay to have babysat) but they have still yet to RSVP or book on our room block, so I will believe it when I see it.  My sister will call BM later in the week (she's the MoH) to get to know him a bit and to figure out some joint-coordination stuff like bachelor/bachelorette party things and toasts.  If at that point, he feels it is too much, we hope he will just let us know.

We don't want to lose them as friends over this.  Weddings make people crazy and while I really disagree with how they've handled the destination wedding and I'm annoyed it took them so long to get back to us (and BM didn't do it himself), they are still our friends and I want to keep it that way if we can stay civil.  I just hope he doesn't feel guilted.  We've given him an out if he's too stressed out.  He didn't take it.  But he still also has yet to make any plans.  And, unfortunately, they may be out a room if they wait until the last moment and will have to stay elsewhere.

Mergatroyd

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #27 on: February 17, 2015, 09:37:53 AM »
You know, your DF should really ask his friend how things are going.. Has he not called his BM for a while?

sulygirl

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #28 on: February 17, 2015, 09:47:56 AM »
You know, your DF should really ask his friend how things are going.. Has he not called his BM for a while?

They text daily at the very least.  Usually about guy stuff - carpentry, jobs BM is working, brewing, etc - but he still texted just never responded to our questions and then did not pick up his phone calls.  They are both socially awkward and introverted in their own special ways so calling one another and gabbing for hours on the phone has never been the "thing".  I know they've not had detailed conversations about wedding stuff because whenever DF tries, BM shuts him down and just changes the subject.  Maybe that's because he assumes we don't care because we aren't going?  IDK.  I think some of this is introversion and some of this is just a worry about offending someone.  I just still find it odd that the last time we all got together face-to-face about 2 months ago (they live over an hour away in a rather remote area and have a kid so in the winter, this makes our travel less simple) BM couldn't stop going on and on about how excited he was to be DF's best man and now that seems to be completely opposite.  DF has met up with him since then and talked to him on the phone numerous times but in all of those exchanges, BM would just not engage on either wedding issue.  It's been confusing.  I just want to know what we need to do for our wedding.  No hard feelings.  We've been upfront with them.  It's the least they could do for us, I think.

Kiara

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #29 on: February 17, 2015, 10:39:37 AM »
Here's the thing....they don't want to come, but they don't want to say it.   I would have let them have the "out" of their kids and said you'd miss them, and then make other plans for the BM. 
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