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Author Topic: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?  (Read 20740 times)

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Lynn2000

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #30 on: February 17, 2015, 10:45:28 AM »
OP, that really stinks. :( We can psychoanalyze Best Man and his SO all day long, but even knowing why they're acting this way, might not actually be much help in dealing with it. With BM deliberately not responding to any wedding questions and changing the subject away from it, while happy to talk about other stuff, it seems like weddings are definitely a sore point for him right now.

Maybe they're upset that you aren't coming to their wedding, but again, they chose a wedding setup that was in direct contradiction to what you said you could do. Of course it was their right to do so, but it can't have come as a surprise that you are sticking to your word and not coming. Whining/guilting you about it is not cool.

I would just stick to your goal of getting solid feedback from them by specific dates. Let them worry about the hotel room or whatever--you've given them the information and it's in their hands now. Yes, it will be inconvenient if they have to stay somewhere else, but that's their issue.

You have also given them numerous outs and it seems like they haven't taken them. There is not much more you can do than that. I do wonder about the childcare thing, though--it sounds like they really aren't comfortable with the minder you've provided, and I wouldn't push them to do that if they aren't comfortable. That might be another out, as Kiara says, so you might want to revisit that and say something like, "We'll understand if you can't come." But, they have to step up and take the out, not be wishy-washy about it.

I wouldn't count on them for anything at this point. Don't make plans that depend on them. It seems like it could be so easy for them to just not show up, without having told you in advance, because "something came up."
~Lynn2000

sulygirl

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #31 on: February 17, 2015, 11:11:45 AM »
OP, that really stinks. :( We can psychoanalyze Best Man and his SO all day long, but even knowing why they're acting this way, might not actually be much help in dealing with it. With BM deliberately not responding to any wedding questions and changing the subject away from it, while happy to talk about other stuff, it seems like weddings are definitely a sore point for him right now.

Maybe they're upset that you aren't coming to their wedding, but again, they chose a wedding setup that was in direct contradiction to what you said you could do. Of course it was their right to do so, but it can't have come as a surprise that you are sticking to your word and not coming. Whining/guilting you about it is not cool.

I would just stick to your goal of getting solid feedback from them by specific dates. Let them worry about the hotel room or whatever--you've given them the information and it's in their hands now. Yes, it will be inconvenient if they have to stay somewhere else, but that's their issue.

You have also given them numerous outs and it seems like they haven't taken them. There is not much more you can do than that. I do wonder about the childcare thing, though--it sounds like they really aren't comfortable with the minder you've provided, and I wouldn't push them to do that if they aren't comfortable. That might be another out, as Kiara says, so you might want to revisit that and say something like, "We'll understand if you can't come." But, they have to step up and take the out, not be wishy-washy about it.

I wouldn't count on them for anything at this point. Don't make plans that depend on them. It seems like it could be so easy for them to just not show up, without having told you in advance, because "something came up."

This is basically what my sister was saying.  As of the last 24 hours, DF's brothers have expressed an interest of helping BM with a bachelor party.  They also want to set up lunch on the morning of (since BM hasn't done it and has said they should do it).  My sister said she would communicate with them directly and explain the situation with BM if need be. 

I still want to give them a chance because this is DF's best friend.  Or at least was.  He was there for him post-divorce when things were hairy and was a main reason DF started to date again years later and met me. Maybe not so much right now.  I know this whole bitterness (or seeming bitterness) about weddings has DF upset even if he won't cry in a corner about it haha.

I can understand the childcare thing but when we last talked about it, they said they would pass through BM's fiance's hometown on the way anyhow and her parents would take care of their 2 year old.  They were very adamant when we started talking "child free" and "not very child friendly venue" that this would be a vacation from the baby and no big deal.

Mergatroyd

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #32 on: February 17, 2015, 11:24:43 AM »
It might just be that the GF is in a snit because you're not giving up your special day to be there for her special day, and she is punishing BM about it. Bridezilla's happen. As she said, they're so busy talking about her wedding they have 't figured out if they can show up at yours yet, despite the prior commitment to your DF.

Maybe after the weddings are over it will settle down.

GreenBird

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #33 on: February 17, 2015, 11:32:33 AM »
I think that the next time they give a reason why they can't come to your wedding, you should just say, "I'm so sorry to hear that; we'll miss you there!"  Don't try to talk them out of it like you did with the child care.  I know you meant well, but it sounds to me like they're trying to say no but finding it difficult, so don't make it any harder for them.  Just let them bow out gracefully, and then maybe talk about getting together with them for dinner or something after both weddings.  At this point, it would probably put less pressure on the relationship if they did withdraw, so if they do, look at it as a good thing. 

Lynn2000

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #34 on: February 17, 2015, 11:50:02 AM »
I think that the next time they give a reason why they can't come to your wedding, you should just say, "I'm so sorry to hear that; we'll miss you there!"  Don't try to talk them out of it like you did with the child care.  I know you meant well, but it sounds to me like they're trying to say no but finding it difficult, so don't make it any harder for them.  Just let them bow out gracefully, and then maybe talk about getting together with them for dinner or something after both weddings.  At this point, it would probably put less pressure on the relationship if they did withdraw, so if they do, look at it as a good thing.

I kind of lean towards this. They are waffling; call their "bluff" and maybe you will find it's not a bluff after all. Then you'll be able to separate them entirely from all wedding stuff, and not have further resentment. I totally agree they have acted poorly, not following through on commitments they made and being immature about their own wedding attendance. But, it might be best if you can end it now, before things get worse and they do something that really breaks the friendship.
~Lynn2000

sulygirl

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #35 on: February 17, 2015, 11:59:59 AM »
I think that the next time they give a reason why they can't come to your wedding, you should just say, "I'm so sorry to hear that; we'll miss you there!"  Don't try to talk them out of it like you did with the child care.  I know you meant well, but it sounds to me like they're trying to say no but finding it difficult, so don't make it any harder for them.  Just let them bow out gracefully, and then maybe talk about getting together with them for dinner or something after both weddings.  At this point, it would probably put less pressure on the relationship if they did withdraw, so if they do, look at it as a good thing.

This is probably a good strategy.  I do think we are getting blown off by the bride.  She's made her frustration with us very apparent.  And, while it sucks, I get that it is putting more of a strain on the relationship.  This is why I stuck to using my sister (who is the best attendant decision I ever made) rather than have two girlfriends of mine in the wedding.  Friends are great but they can't be as reliable as good siblings in the same situation.  DF did not want to choose between brothers, so he chose his best friend.  I told him he could choose them both as GM's but he opted to go this route and now is wishing he hadn't.

We do have follow ups to ask the BM - attire questions because we need to get this stuff ordered - and I think that will be another "out" he can use and this time I think we should let him.  It's frustrating and not just for us.  DF (and his brothers) have indicated they'd like to do a bachelor party probably the same weekend in the same city as my friends and I are.  Since I intend to invite his sister in laws, this would be much better logistically for all involved.  My sister is trying to coordinate this but getting no where because BM keeps claiming he will call back DF's brothers but never does.  So, it's kind of frustrating for all involved.  I think it would be great if we could just invite the BM and his future wife for the weekend.  Again, they do not have to come.

kudeebee

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #36 on: February 17, 2015, 03:11:13 PM »
I think that the next time they give a reason why they can't come to your wedding, you should just say, "I'm so sorry to hear that; we'll miss you there!"  Don't try to talk them out of it like you did with the child care.  I know you meant well, but it sounds to me like they're trying to say no but finding it difficult, so don't make it any harder for them.  Just let them bow out gracefully, and then maybe talk about getting together with them for dinner or something after both weddings.  At this point, it would probably put less pressure on the relationship if they did withdraw, so if they do, look at it as a good thing.

I, too, agree with this.  I would surmise that the gf is upset about their wedding plans not going as planned and about you not coming and is taking it out on bm--and you two as well.  Do not let her hemming and hawing hold you up in your plans.

Stick with your deadline and if she/they waffle at all, jump on it.  I like the "we are sorry to hear this; we will miss you" suggested above.  Then df should ask both of his brothers (sides can be uneven) and the planning can move ahead.  If they decide to come to the wedding after all, that is great and they come as guests.

Then see what happens after both the weddings in terms of the relationship.  It may be that this relationship is coming to a natural end; this happens in the course of our life.

FoxPaws

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #37 on: February 17, 2015, 05:20:27 PM »
I also got the feeling they were trying to use the babysitter angle as an out. Next time they come up with an excuse - perhaps waiting so long to book a room that there aren't any left - let them use it.

Can you leave space open for them to attend without a formal RSVP? I have a funny feeling that whatever the BM is agreeing to with his bride-to-be now, come the weekend of your wedding, he's going to have last minute regrets about not being there for his best bud. If it's possible, it would be nice to give them an in to come if they can (as a guest).

I still thinks he needs to be relieved of Best Man duties, but we're talking about a long friendship with a lot of history - it might be worth it making some concessions to preserve it.
I am so a lady. And if you say I'm not, I'll slug you. - Cindy Brady

sulygirl

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #38 on: February 17, 2015, 07:00:55 PM »
I also got the feeling they were trying to use the babysitter angle as an out. Next time they come up with an excuse - perhaps waiting so long to book a room that there aren't any left - let them use it.

Can you leave space open for them to attend without a formal RSVP? I have a funny feeling that whatever the BM is agreeing to with his bride-to-be now, come the weekend of your wedding, he's going to have last minute regrets about not being there for his best bud. If it's possible, it would be nice to give them an in to come if they can (as a guest).

I still thinks he needs to be relieved of Best Man duties, but we're talking about a long friendship with a lot of history - it might be worth it making some concessions to preserve it.

We only invited 65 people because we wanted an excuse to keep it small.  Between us, we have like 150 second cousins and they all have spouses and most also have kids haha.  It was either have a 65 person wedding or have like 500 people.  So, it's not like missing 2 people changes much.  However, our catering deadline is 45 days out and we will not RSVP for them if they don't let us know.  Otherwise, it's another $130.00 out of pocket and another $100 for a sitter we had to round up.  That doesn't seem fair to us, either.  It's really hard.

gellchom

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #39 on: February 17, 2015, 10:16:08 PM »
I'm sure you can cancel the sitter with less than 45 days notice.

Most caterers have a few extra meals on hand (and are charging you for them, by the way) just in case -- extra guests, dropped food, etc.  But I think you can just tell them the caterer's date and say you have to know by then.  They are planning a wedding themselves and will totally get that!

sulygirl

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #40 on: February 18, 2015, 08:32:36 AM »
I'm sure you can cancel the sitter with less than 45 days notice.

Most caterers have a few extra meals on hand (and are charging you for them, by the way) just in case -- extra guests, dropped food, etc.  But I think you can just tell them the caterer's date and say you have to know by then.  They are planning a wedding themselves and will totally get that!

We will, of course by then we will know.  We will have already planned the bachelor and bachelorette parties well in advance and have an idea what's happening day of (having met with our day of coordinator at that time), so I am confident we will likely have an idea by then.  I doubt we will have over 55 attending and budgeted for 65+ 15%, so I think it should be fine. I just don't want DF's to be hurt on our wedding day by promises that never materialize and wish the other side would see where we are coming from on this.  It's frustrating.  They are demanding people commit to rooms without a final formal invite, no timeline, no planning, etc.  We aren't asking that.  We've had room block info up since the first week of October on our webpage.

Lynn2000

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #41 on: February 18, 2015, 10:41:52 AM »
Of course you don't want your DF's feelings to be hurt, but that's not really up to you, unfortunately. It's up to his friend to get a spine and make a decision like a grown-up, instead of avoiding the subject and letting his fiancee treat you poorly.

I'm not saying I would bar the doors against them or anything. But if they don't commit to yes by your deadline, I would mark them down as a no. I wouldn't set aside meals or seats for them. If they show up anyway, the caterer probably will have extra meals and the venue will probably have extra chairs anyway, and something can be worked out. If the logistics are awkward and they don't get prime seats or their preferred entree, that's their own fault for not responding in time.

They are the ones damaging the relationship, and they're the ones who have to step up to salvage it. All you can do is try to minimize the damage they're causing right now, like by making plans with DF's brothers instead. Better for DF to have a planned bachelor party with his brothers, that BM can tag along with, than for DF to get nothing or something thrown together at the last minute because BM promised to help and fell through (as he seems likely to do at the moment).
~Lynn2000

Mikayla

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #42 on: February 18, 2015, 11:07:49 AM »
I think that the next time they give a reason why they can't come to your wedding, you should just say, "I'm so sorry to hear that; we'll miss you there!"  Don't try to talk them out of it

To the nth.

OP, you're all running in circles with this, and the danger is that each new circle creates a potential for more stress and misunderstanding.   It also means you're taking ownership of things you can't control (like your DF's relationship with his BM).  They're both adults and it's on them to figure out how to communicate and what to say. 

Simplify.  Give them a fair deadline and then move on.

sulygirl

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #43 on: February 18, 2015, 11:42:12 AM »
Thanks guys.  We've given BM until this friday to get back to us about clothing choices (does he have a suit that works, can he provide a white shirt) and to book a room (anywhere) because we need everyone to have a place.  I got word today the block is now super full and we are getting into "maybe rooms won't be available" territory.  I warned everyone about this because this place has limited space and limited hotels (always has).  We may have space for another month but past that point, nope.  FTR, everyone else who is "integral" has booked.  We let them know that as well.  We shall see what happens in the next couple of days.  We've said no more about the kid or anything else just, "Please let us know about this if you plan to attend."

lakey

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Re: What is "too much" to expect from guest for a destination wedding?
« Reply #44 on: February 18, 2015, 03:40:13 PM »
I'm old fashioned, so this is just my opinion. Expecting guests, including members of the wedding party, to spend a couple thousand dollars to attend your wedding is too much. Expecting guests to take more than one day off from work for your wedding is too much. If I get married, I can't expect everyone else's lives to revolve around me and my wedding.

That being said, there are ways of doing destination weddings without being self-centered. I know people who've done it. They put out feelers to find out diplomatically, no pressure, how the very important people, such as family and close friends, feel about making the trip. If the people closest to them sincerely can afford it and view it as a welcomed mini-vacation, they go ahead with the plans, understanding that a lot of guests won't be able to be there. If they get the feeling that this destination wedding will be a hardship for close family and close friends, then they don't go through with it. A person who is not self-centered doesn't EXPECT everyone to be able to go along with their plans.