Funeral "Stupid Speak"

[Gigi]

I don't want to hijack Millicent63's thread "you must be really relieved" but it has had me thinking about some of the truly horrible, insensitive, ignorant things I have heard being said at funerals.  Here are some examples:

My nephew Chuck died a couple of years ago from a degenerative disease. It took about 2 1/2 years from diagnosis to death. At the luncheon after the funeral and burial his widow Laura was asked by her SIL (the wife of her deceased husband's brother) "Are we still family now?"  I'm wanting to believe that what she was meaning to say was that she hoped Laura and their child would still know they are loved and valued as part of the family despite the loss of Chuck.  The question and the timing were awful though, and she has said and done some strange things in the past.

Tony, a former co-worker of both Chuck and Laura flew across the country to attend  the funeral. They had maintained a friendship through calls and email and Tony was supportive of Chuck during his decline.  When they had all worked together, and before Chuck and Laura started dating Tony had a crush on laura and kept pestering her to go out with him.  Laura was not interested and never did date him.  At the funeral it became clear that Tony was still carrying a torch for Laura. All day long he watched her like he was starving and she was a hot fudge sundae. He also managed to tell everyone, including Chuck's family and Laura's parents and siblings that Chuck had "stolen his girl" and that he had told Chuck not to worry about Laura and Cassie since Tony would "take care of them."  How comforting to the dying man to know that his "friend" was just waiting in the wings to take over his wife and child.  How icky was this?? I thought Laura's brother or dad would adjust his attitude before the afternoon was over, but they managed to hang on to their tempers.

I recently helped a client plan a reception for after her mother's funeral.  My client is wealthy and had always been generous in gifting her mother with beautiful jewelry, clothing, handbags, household goods and accessories.  Mother lived in a small town so it is well known that she had a houseful of nice things.  Before her mother was even buried some of the townfolks were asking when she would have a garage sale to dispose of her mother's things. Vultures!!!

So....anyone have any jaw-droppers to share?

[Pixie]

Well, I do remember a few....   all names have been changed....

1.  At my grand father's funeral, the minister got his name wrong..... all through the service he referred to my Grandfather as "Gavin". my grand father's name was "Gleston".  It wouldn't have been so bad, except the minister had known my grand father for 15 years, Grandpa was in church every Sunday.   The minister also referred to my baby sister Kellie, who died at birth, as "His GrandSON, Kevin, and called my Aunt "Leola"  "Linda"  he had also known her for 15 years and she was the church secretary.    But the worst for me was when he STOOD on Kellie's headstone to do the graveside service for Grandpa.

2.  At my father's funeral, same church, same cemetery,  new minister, and she was wonderful.  My GrandMother  asked me, as the oldest of Dad's children in attendance, if she could have my Dad's ring and watch before he was buried.   I said, Of course.... she was his mother after all, and Dad was her first child, her favorite.   The funeral Director informed me that "The widow" wanted my Dad buried with his ring and watch.   The WIDOW hadn't even bothered to come to the funeral, so I replied, "She was his wife for 4 1/2 months,  I've been his daughter for 38 years, so we're doing this MY way."     One of my aunts got a bit upset, but I told her, "If Dad was alive and Grandma asked for his ring and watch, he'd take them off and give them to her,  I say Grandma gets what will bring her comfort."   (Besides which, my Grandma paid for everything.   

When I returned home to Alaska I found out "The widow"  had placed ads on the radio and in papers asking for donations to help her and "the 3 kids" to pay for the funeral.   I called the local Sheriff and informed them that while my Dad had  4 living children, none of them were hers, and we were all responsible adults who didn't need charity, and besides, my Grandmother had paid for everything so "The Widow" didn't need any money to pay for anything.    "The Widow"  went to jail until my brother dropped the charges.


3.  The day my Mom died, I had sat up all night the night before with her. We knew she was brain-dead and we knew the end was coming.    MY brother, Husband, and I had just gotten home from the hospital when the phone rang.     Thinking it was the funeral Home, or something important, I answered it.   It was my husband's boss and he said he was retuning my husband's call, and did I know what husband had called about.    I replied, "He probably wanted some time off because we just lost my mother."     Boss replied.

"What does he need time off for that for, can't you handle it on your own?"

I handed the phone to Hubby and ran into the house crying.   Two days later, I was quite rude to Boss.  Hubby and I had stopped by his work for some paperwork.... don't remember what... and as we walked past Boss's office Boss called out, "Hey Pixie, how's your Mom doing?"   I replied, "Still dead, thanks for asking."   Then I walked outside and got in the truck to wait for Hubby, who showed up 30 seconds later!   I never spoke to "Boss" again.   A couple years later, he was "asked" to retire due to inappropriate behavior with women.

I am always cautious about telling the one about my Mom, I've been told too many times that I am too sensitive.    I shouldn't have let those 2 comments bother me, and my grief was no excuse for being rude.

[Yarnspinner]

(Lily stops lurking for the day and waves hand enthusiastically)

This was from a priest, no less, during the euology.

My friends father died after a five year battle with cancer.  You must now that this man was the kid of guy beloved by thousands.  He never met a person he didn't like and didn't want to help.  Need a ride?  T was there.  Need help with plumbing? T was there.  He kept tabs with all the people he met during cancer therapy.  He kept tabs with the family of the people he met during cancer therapy who had passed away.  He contributed to everything.  He was, in toto, the really, really, really good guy.  At his wake, it was standing room only BOTH days and the line to get in rivaled that of rides at Disney World.

The priest who was to give his eulogy was called away by an emergency and the back up was sent.  The back up didn't know the family from his elbow and made sure they wouldn't want to know him.  He commented on the fact that the church was packed for Brother T.  He noted that he had heard many good things about Brother T.  

"We all assume then, that brother T is going to Heaven.  But none of us can know what was really in Brother T's heart and mind.  In his soul brother T may NOT have been all we believed and so Brother T may NOT be in Heaven but in a place of darkness and fire."

Jaws were heard thudding all over the church.  People sucked in breath so hard I am convinced we were all dizzy from lack of oxygen.  It was unbelievable.

Fortunately, T's daughter stood up next to give HER eulogy and it was wonderful.  I don't know if anyone spoke with the priest or if he even got paid (don't think he should have) but we all gathered 'round to assure T's family that the priest was a dumb@$$.  

Recently T's widow also passed on after a brutal battle with metastitized cancer.  She kept her sense of humor to the end (the day she died one of her daughters asked "How do you feel?" and she said "With my hands.")  and her spirit.  Her funeral and wake were very similar in scope to T's--standing room only, long wait lines at the wake, etc.  HER priest gave a wonderful, life affirming eulogy following her daughter's memorial.  And we all took comfort that she and T were together again forever.

[Yarnspinner]

Well, I do remember a few....   all names have been changed....

1.  At my grand father's funeral, the minister got his name wrong..... all through the service he referred to my Grandfather as "Gavin". my grand father's name was "Gleston".  It wouldn't have been so bad, except the minister had known my grand father for 15 years, Grandpa was in church every Sunday.   The minister also referred to my baby sister Kellie, who died at birth, as "His GrandSON, Kevin, and called my Aunt "Leola"  "Linda"  he had also known her for 15 years and she was the church secretary.    But the worst for me was when he STOOD on Kellie's headstone to do the graveside service for Grandpa.

2.  At my father's funeral, same church, same cemetery,  new minister, and she was wonderful.  My GrandMother  asked me, as the oldest of Dad's children in attendance, if she could have my Dad's ring and watch before he was buried.   I said, Of course.... she was his mother after all, and Dad was her first child, her favorite.   The funeral Director informed me that "The widow" wanted my Dad buried with his ring and watch.   The WIDOW hadn't even bothered to come to the funeral, so I replied, "She was his wife for 4 1/2 months,  I've been his daughter for 38 years, so we're doing this MY way."     One of my aunts got a bit upset, but I told her, "If Dad was alive and Grandma asked for his ring and watch, he'd take them off and give them to her,  I say Grandma gets what will bring her comfort."   (Besides which, my Grandma paid for everything.  

When I returned home to Alaska I found out "The widow"  had placed ads on the radio and in papers asking for donations to help her and "the 3 kids" to pay for the funeral.   I called the local Sheriff and informed them that while my Dad had  4 living children, none of them were hers, and we were all responsible adults who didn't need charity, and besides, my Grandmother had paid for everything so "The Widow" didn't need any money to pay for anything.    "The Widow"  went to jail until my brother dropped the charges.


3.  The day my Mom died, I had sat up all night the night before with her. We knew she was brain-dead and we knew the end was coming.    MY brother, Husband, and I had just gotten home from the hospital when the phone rang.     Thinking it was the funeral Home, or something important, I answered it.   It was my husband's boss and he said he was retuning my husband's call, and did I know what husband had called about.    I replied, "He probably wanted some time off because we just lost my mother."     Boss replied.

"What does he need time off for that for, can't you handle it on your own?"

I handed the phone to Hubby and ran into the house crying.   Two days later, I was quite rude to Boss.  Hubby and I had stopped by his work for some paperwork.... don't remember what... and as we walked past Boss's office Boss called out, "Hey Pixie, how's your Mom doing?"   I replied, "Still dead, thanks for asking."   Then I walked outside and got in the truck to wait for Hubby, who showed up 30 seconds later!   I never spoke to "Boss" again.   A couple years later, he was "asked" to retire due to inappropriate behavior with women.

I am always cautious about telling the one about my Mom, I've been told too many times that I am too sensitive.    I shouldn't have let those 2 comments bother me, and my grief was no excuse for being rude.

Pixie, I'm going to get called on this, but if you were rude, you were justified in your rudeness.  I think you would have been justified in picking up the heaviest object imagineable and slamming it down on Rude Boss fifty or seventy times.  And then a few times more, just for luck.  WHAT A JERK!!!!!!

One of my bosses did something similar (I posted elsewhere) but backwards.  My Mom survived a quadruple bypass surgery.  Six months later she and Dad were on vacation and the big boss asked me about my Mom.  I said she was doing great.  Boss said "I understand.  It's awful when you can't do anything but watch them fail, isn't it?"  The whole conversation was me explaining my mother was alive, well, and tearing up the town, thanks and my boss replying with condolences as if she was dead and buried.

I found out later that Boss was probably trying to tell me (in a round about way) that h er parents were both failing, but she never actually mentioned this.  If she had, I might have had a scooch more empathy for her awkwardness.

But you, Pixie, are totally blameless.  Boss is a jerk and I'm glad to hear he was let go.  If that makes me a mean, rude person, then I'm a mean, rude person.

[Brentwood]

I have two stories, both concerning the same man at the same funeral.

My grandmother died just before I turned 23 years old. She had lung cancer, and it was a drawn-out, painful death for her. Understandably, she was exceedingly thin and quite ill-looking at the time of her passing. My mother specified very clearly to the funeral home that the casket would be CLOSED and there would be no viewing of the body. Mom knew her mother would not want people looking at her in that condition.

The day of the funeral, the funeral director was upset about the closed casket stipulation. He told Mom that his staff had worked very hard on Gramma's wig and makeup so that she'd be presentable. My mom's reply was that no one had asked him to! Gramma didn't wear makeup in life; why should she be wearing it after death? Why should people get to see her in a condition in which she would not have wanted to be seen? This guy wanted his handiwork shown with an open casket and accused my mother of being selfish about it. (Incidentally, I overheard a few far flung relatives complaining about the closed casket also, because they were not being given a chance to say goodbye to my grandmother. That made me angry, because none of these people bothered to come and visit her during the 14 months she was sick. They had plenty of chances to "say goodbye.")

Later, as the mourners were filing out of the sanctuary after the service, this same man stopped me and offered a few words of "comfort." He followed that by asking me if I would be free for dinner some night soon. Yes, that's right, the funeral director hit on me at my own grandmother's funeral. He was a real piece of work.

[PurpleyBlue]

My grandpa passed away this summer and one incident still bothers me to this day.  Before the funeral, our entire family was gathered in the room where they were holding the final visitation for my grandpa.  About 15 minutes before the funeral began, the funeral director yells to the whole family, more than once, "Folks, if you'd like to spend some more time with the casket, do it now because we'll be closing it in about 5 minutes."  I found that so offensive.  First of all "the casket"!?  It was our dear father and grandpa laying there and she kept calling him "the casket".  Second of all, would it have been impossible for her to quietly go around and mention this to the family instead of calling it out like last call at the bar!?

[Tabris]

We all assume then, that brother T is going to Heaven.  But none of us can know what was really in Brother T's heart and mind.  In his soul brother T may NOT have been all we believed and so Brother T may NOT be in Heaven but in a place of darkness and fire."

I hope he meant Purgatory!  Frankly, I want whomever gives my euology to please tell everyone I'm a little snot who probably didn't make it into Heaven right away, so pray like crazy for me to get out of Purgatory.

But to imply someone is in Hell isn't very nice.

[mddg4]

I am always cautious about telling the one about my Mom, I've been told too many times that I am too sensitive.    I shouldn't have let those 2 comments bother me, and my grief was no excuse for being rude.

Rude??? FIDDLESTICKS! Too sensitive?? ABSOLUTE POPPYCOCK!
Anyone with the crass to say this needs a clue by four! I would have reacted the exact same way.
MY TWO CENTS!!

Running amok & causing Mayhem

[Evil Duckie]

.

[hollasa]

Well, there's a funeral coming up that should be interesting...

My uncle just died in England. He had just called his (adult) daughter to come pick him up, as he was going to be leaving his second wife (finally!), and then he had a heart attack and died by the front door.

The relationship between his children and his second wife is not good. She has now stated that he has no will, while uncle was the sort of person who always updated his will before going on vacation.

His son, who's a building contractor, went and asked for his father's watch - a nice one that his first wife gave him. Second wife told him it was an expensive watch, and not suitable for Son as he was a labourer.

[HogwartsAlum]

I am always cautious about telling the one about my Mom, I've been told too many times that I am too sensitive.    I shouldn't have let those 2 comments bother me, and my grief was no excuse for being rude.

 
I DON'T THINK SO!!! Who told you that! They are the ones that are RUDE!!! My gosh!

*goes home, gets ice skates, straps them on and kicks those people right in the shin!*

[goblue2539]

Not AT the funeral, but this seems to be related.

When I was a junior in high school, one of the freshmen died after falling into a diabetic coma.  She had been well-liked, and I knew her personally through a Bible study group that had formed from some people at school.  Found out that the day of the funeral, one of the science teachers was refusing to excuse people from his class for the funeral, even though the school officials had already agreed this day would be an excused absense.  His reasoning, as he announced to his class, was that, "It is her parent's fault she died for having a genetically inferior child."  I'm happy to say that he was suspended without pay, and to the best of my knowledge has not been teaching since then. 

[ItZWhoUKnow]

My Aunt brought a "psychic" to my grandmas funeral. The woman went around telling anyone that would listen that grandma was in the room and that my great-aunt Shirley kept burning her with cigarettes (not sure how spirits can be burned) and she (grandma not psychic lady)was happy with the amount of mourners that showed up.  I don't know if  "lady" made a faux pas in choosing to wear a leopard print mini-skirt but it was just really tacky for a funeral when she didn't even know my grandma.

My aunt has always been known for doing tacky things so we just ignored the psychic and let her have her free lunch

[kingsrings]

I can think of two instances that happened way back in high school.

My freshman year, our vice principal died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. The interesting thing is, he had just spent that very day going around to students on campus at lunch, greeting them, engaging them in conversation and good wishes. This was something that he had never done before and he had a reputation of being a real hard-nose disciplinarian. It was like he knew what was going to happen that day and was paying his last respects. When he died, it was all the more shocking because of that. Quite a few students made some really cruel comments about how they were glad he was dead because he had suspended them, done such-and-such to them, etc. I'm still astounded to this day that they would think that. I know that they were just kids and this may have been a way of acting out because they didn't know how else to express their grief, but still, they should of known better by that age.

A couple of years later another student died suddenly of a heart condition while running on the track. Kids again were making insensitive, cruel comments, such as jokingly asking if they could have his gym clothes now or saying that they didn't care at all because they didn't know him.

[ccnumber4]

  But the worst for me was when he STOOD on Kellie's headstone to do the graveside service for Grandpa.

There are no words.....