Funeral "Stupid Speak"

[fluffy]

When my great-grandmother died, my grandmother went up to the minister and told him "my son would like to say a few words and my grand-daughter would like to sing a song." The ministers got all huffy about other people taking part in the service (there was no eulogy, so the whole service would have been just him speaking). He angrily demanded "what song?" and my grandmother said, "Amazing Grace." Well, you can't argue with Amazing Grace as a song. So then he asked, "which grand-daughter (I have two sisters). She replied, "that one (pointing to me), the one with the blue hair."

I kid you not, the man turned his face up to the sky and said, "please don't do this to me." Because, you know, a great-grand-daughter with blue hair singing a song for her beloved Nana is just one big insult to the minister.  Luckily, my grandma stuck to her guns and I was allowed to sing. Later, when the minister gave his eulogy, he made up a bunch of stuff about my Nana being a devout Christian (not true) and lied about visiting her often in the nursing home (she had a guest book and my grandparents were there all the time, he never visited).

Incidentally, there wasn't a dry eye after I finished my song and everyone told me afterwards how much more meaningful it made the service. I still get angry when I think about the way that man treated me. My Nana loved me, blue hair and all and that man acted like I was a freak. And the service was supposed to be about my Nana and not about him.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[dietcokeofevil]

At the viewing for my Grandmother, I was standing up by the casket with my Mom doing the receiving line thing.  This one older guy made a couple of weird and flirtatious comments to me.  It made me feel a little uncomfortable.  After he walked away, my Mom told me he was the minister for my Grandma's church.

[Gigi]

A dear friend of my daughter's died from leukemia when the girls were 22.  Her older sister had been killed at 19 in a car wreck a few years earlier.  What did a *religious* woman who knew both the mother and younger daughter say?  "Well, you know the sins of the parents are visited on the children."  Sure, the fact that the parent's were divorced caused these two tragedies. 

[Stjarni]

Not AT the funeral, but this seems to be related.

When I was a junior in high school, one of the freshmen died after falling into a diabetic coma.  She had been well-liked, and I knew her personally through a Bible study group that had formed from some people at school.  Found out that the day of the funeral, one of the science teachers was refusing to excuse people from his class for the funeral, even though the school officials had already agreed this day would be an excused absense.  His reasoning, as he announced to his class, was that, "It is her parent's fault she died for having a genetically inferior child."  I'm happy to say that he was suspended without pay, and to the best of my knowledge has not been teaching since then. 

GAG!
What an idiot!

[Tabris]

hat did a *religious* woman who knew both the mother and younger daughter say?  "Well, you know the sins of the parents are visited on the children." 

Dear God: Please forgive us for misquoting the Bible because we are dumb. Love, Tabris.

Gigi, I think the "religious" woman forgot the book of Isaiah.

"In those days people will no longer say, 'The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge.' Instead, everyone will die for his own sin; whoever eats sour grapes—his own teeth will be set on edge.

Ezekiel 18 had something to say about that too:

Every living soul belongs to me, the father as well as the son—both alike belong to me. The soul who sins is the one who will die.

I tend to think that God is rather irritated by people who misrepresent Him, yanno? Grr.

[MrsF]

When my grandfather died, his funeral service was given by the minister of the church he had attended for about 25 years. He was a church deacon and, in his healthier days, did odd jobs around the church and for his community. He was well known and well liked. The minister started the service nicely and then digressed into a story about another Jake he knew, who was alive and well in AnotherTown. My mom and I looked at each other and just kind of shrugged our shoulders. What do you do?  Very strange.

To bring a funny into this thread, my nephew, who was three at the time, had us all in giggles just before the service. My brother had taken him to the casket to help explain to him that great-grandpa had died and we were going to have a funeral now. Shortly after that, the casket was closed and they began to wheel it to the front of the church for the service (the viewing was done in the foyer). My nephew (who didn't know how to whisper then) said to his dad, "There's a man in that box!". He was very concerned, but it made the rest of us giggle.

[CreteGirl]

My MIL's funeral, which I planned, was an absolute fiasco.  Relatives who I did not know even existed, showed up at the gravesite and yelled at me for not inviting them to the funeral.  We live in a different state, and my DH and BIL were not close to these people, and never mentioned them to me, and I had no idea who they were.

My DH had written a four page story about my MIL, which I had e-mailed to the minister who would be giving the eulogy.  The minister did not understand how to open his e-mail, and therefore never read the story, and knew nothing about my MIL.  He tried to fake it on the day of the funeral, and mentioned that she was famous for her potato salad.  We all looked at each other like "what potato salad??" 

The worst part was the cemetery salesman.  Prior to the funeral, he had tried to talk me into purchasing a family crypt for $36,000 where everyone's cremated remains would be put into a "niche".  Many of my MIL's relatives were buried at the same cemetery, and he wanted to move them all into this crypt.  When I pointed out that most of the relatives had not been cremated, he helpfully suggested they could be dug up and burned.  For a fee, of course.  When I mentioned that their living children might object, he assured me that they would not.  Right.

On the day of the funeral, the cemetery salesman informed me that I had not purchased the correct size outer urn for my MIL's remains.  When he sold me the outer urn over the phone, he never mentioned that they came in different sizes.  He wanted me to give him $200 more right there and then at the funeral, and kept interrupting me as I was trying to placate the angry relatives who had shown up at the funeral.  I kept ignoring him, and he finally went away.

The entire funeral was a complete fiasco.  My MIL would have loved it!

[kingsrings]

Some of those cemetery/funeral home workers are something else. When my grandfather died, my family flew out to his home state where the funeral/burial was taking place. When we arrived at our hotel, there was a letter shoved underneath the door from the funeral home. Silly us, we thought it might be a condolence card or some other little nicety. Nope, it was an invoice saying that the family gravestone's bushes needed to be trimmed. Had nothing to do with grandpa at all. Then we got another letter saying that grandpa's ashes were not going to be buried the next day until every cent of the burial and the fee for trimming the bushes was paid. So in the midst of the funeral service and gravesite service, his poor widow had to deal with writing and getting a check to this insensitive woman so that grandpa could be buried. I know this woman has a business to run, but her lack of timing and sensitivity was appalling.

[Tabris]

Emily was diagnosed with a fatal birth defect when I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. Because we went to term, we had plenty of time to plan her funeral.

The funeral director listened to what I wanted, said, "I'm not going to show you the infant casket because you'll fall apart, but we'll have one ready for you. And here." He pulled an invoice out of the filing cabinet. "The casket cost me $80, and I'm going to charge you $80. I don't make a dime on infant funerals."

I have to say, I was very impressed by the guy. They treated us awesome.

---

Here's a funny one, from my daughter's website:

You'd think in this business they'd have to be nice, but my mother told me about a funeral director in Brookyn, New York. When my great-aunt died, my mother needed to phone my brother long distance from the funeral parlor to tell him when the funeral was. The pay-phone ate my mother's change, so she asked the funeral director (a creepy woman) if she could use the office phone. The woman snapped, "Well, make it quick!" My mother was fuming, so when she got a busy signal, she shouted into the phone, "Your mother's dead!" and slammed it down onto the receiver. Then she turned to the funeral director and smiled sweetly. "Was that quick enough?"


Man, I love my mother!

[Clara Bow]

I just choked to death on that, people are now staring at me....

[CreteGirl]

[quote author=My mother was fuming, so when she got a busy signal, she shouted into the phone, "Your mother's dead!" and slammed it down onto the receiver. Then she turned to the funeral director and smiled sweetly. "Was that quick enough?"


Man, I love my mother!
[/quote]

Your Mom is my hero. THAT was funny!

Also, sorry to hear about Emily, I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

[Rei-chan]

Speaking of crappy funeral homes, here's one from my DH, who works in our local morgue:

DH received a phone call from a very upset lady whose mother had passed away.  She had apparently received a phone call from a certain funeral home in our area (that DH has trouble with all the time) and the owner had told her that they had picked her mother up for the arrangements.  When the woman told him that she had arrangements with another rival home, the man told her that she would have to pay him some crazy sum (I think it was around 500 bucks or so) for his time transporting the body and if she didn't they would hold the body till she came up with the money.  The woman was upset with the hospital because she never gave the OK for this funeral home to pick up her mother in the first place.

Here's the kicker:

DH thought the name sounded familiar, so he looked up the paperwork.  He was shocked at what he saw, so he checked the cooler.

The mother's body was still at the morgue.

[Ulla dances in a silly way]

Speaking of crappy funeral homes, here's one from my DH, who works in our local morgue:

DH received a phone call from a very upset lady whose mother had passed away.  She had apparently received a phone call from a certain funeral home in our area (that DH has trouble with all the time) and the owner had told her that they had picked her mother up for the arrangements.  When the woman told him that she had arrangements with another rival home, the man told her that she would have to pay him some crazy sum (I think it was around 500 bucks or so) for his time transporting the body and if she didn't they would hold the body till she came up with the money.  The woman was upset with the hospital because she never gave the OK for this funeral home to pick up her mother in the first place.

Here's the kicker:

DH thought the name sounded familiar, so he looked up the paperwork.  He was shocked at what he saw, so he checked the cooler.

The mother's body was still at the morgue.

That poor woman! I hope your husband reported the funeral home to an authority of some kind. Some thing like that should not go unpunished.

-Ulla

[Gigi]

Our aunt was grieving the loss of her son to AIDS.  She had nursed him through the long ordeal so was physically and emotionally exhausted when he finally died.  At the post-funeral luncheon her SIL told her that she shouldn't feel guilty, because "even though you try to teach your kids to live right  when they get to be adults they sometimes choose to live a different way. God won't blame you".  I wish people would put their brains in gear before they open their mouths!

Tabris, I salute your courage and honor little Emily. 

[Quesselin]

"The casket cost me $80, and I'm going to charge you $80. I don't make a dime on infant funerals."

--

My mother was fuming, so when she got a busy signal, she shouted into the phone, "Your mother's dead!" and slammed it down onto the receiver. Then she turned to the funeral director and smiled sweetly. "Was that quick enough?"

For the first one: What a wonderful person! That is really above and beyond what one could expect, so that was really wonderful to read.

And for second: Good for you! (I'm right in thinking it was you who did this, right? That the story was written by your daughter about you?).