News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 22, 2017, 08:21:49 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: The Bridesmaid's In-laws  (Read 12602 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

sammycat

  • Member
  • Posts: 7934
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2015, 06:21:48 PM »
I  really  don't  see why you should be put into  the  position to invite  people you don't  know  to your reception.Since it's a camping area I'm sure there's  other groups that  have things going on that are private. I'd suggest nipping  this in the  bud now.

I agree. If I were in the inlaws' position, it wouldn't even occur to me that I'd be included in the wedding part of the day. I'd feel very uncomfortable if I was invited along - is it a sympathy/obligation invite? Am I really wanted? Do I need to buy a present?

The BM is out of line for expecting the OP to invite virtual strangers to her wedding. By that token she may as well invite all the other campers too.

violinp

  • Member
  • Posts: 3754
  • cabbagegirl28's my sister :)
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2015, 07:26:32 PM »
Even if the attendant was my own sister, I would not invite her husband's parents to my wedding unless I knew them and wanted them there. Your bridesmaid is presumptuous for expecting you to make them a part of your wedding day, no matter how matter small.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter


Mergatroyd

  • Member
  • Posts: 1670
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2015, 07:34:55 PM »
Even if the attendant was my own sister, I would not invite her husband's parents to my wedding unless I knew them and wanted them there. Your bridesmaid is presumptuous for expecting you to make them a part of your wedding day, no matter how matter small.

POD.

LifeOnPluto

  • Member
  • Posts: 8131
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #18 on: February 16, 2015, 08:19:52 PM »
So the DH's parents are really just accompanying them to be babysitters for their kids? (In which case, why don't they babysit their grandkids at a different area of the campground? Why do they need to look after the kids at the actual ceremony?)

I don't think you are under any obligation to invite them to the wedding reception, but since you've already indicated to the bridesmaid you'll be inviting them, I think you're obliged to go ahead.

The ceremony however, is different. If it's only going to be a very small, intimate affair, you are absolutely not rude in clarifying they won't be invited.

peaches

  • Member
  • Posts: 1073
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #19 on: February 16, 2015, 08:54:35 PM »
I agree that it's up to the bride and groom to decide who is at their wedding, and the BM shouldn't have made assumptions about the in-laws being invited to the wedding and/or reception.

The only part I disagree with is the OP's remarks about the BM's children. I think the parents are the best judges of the needs of their children. If BM thinks that her DH might have trouble coping with a 1 and a 5 year old during a wedding ceremony, I would believe her. With little children, there is always the issue of time of day, need for a nap, and consequent irritability. I can understand the DH wanting some help.

If it's important that the children be at the ceremony, it might be a good idea to extend an invitation to the grandparents. They aren't complete strangers, and their help might prevent distractions or disruptions at the ceremony.

HannahGrace

  • Member
  • Posts: 1282
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #20 on: February 16, 2015, 09:10:57 PM »
It seems like the Bridesmaid's idea of going by herself and having her husband stay home with the small kids was rejected... I'm curious why, since that seems like a great option.

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Member
  • Posts: 7021
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #21 on: February 16, 2015, 09:14:52 PM »
I think it was odd for your friend's husband to invite his parents to vacation at your wedding. You're under no obligation to include them in anything. Your reception is one meal, I don't see why they'd be upset not to be there. They did accept their son's invitation knowing he was heading to a wedding. It's not like you crashed their vacation  ;).

The most logical option would be for the kids to stay home with the grandparents while the parents came to the reception. I'd float that to your Maid.

caverat

  • Member
  • Posts: 44
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #22 on: February 16, 2015, 09:16:22 PM »
It seems like the Bridesmaid's idea of going by herself and having her husband stay home with the small kids was rejected... I'm curious why, since that seems like a great option.

It was rejected because it was his idea, not hers, and she didn't agree.  Although I also want them all there and supported her in that, I have no business making that decision for them.  Among other things leading to that decision, she'll still be nursing and doesn't want to just pump and leave them behind.

I am glad that for the most part, a forum of strangers agrees with me, though, and thank you all for your input.  There comes a point where you (general) read so much and hear so much that you worry about becoming that bride, even when you're sure you're not out of line.

Deetee

  • Member
  • Posts: 6101
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #23 on: February 16, 2015, 11:26:55 PM »
Two things

1) You are the host of this event. You get to decide who attends and who doesn't and that is up to you. You are welcome to correct anyone who has the wrong idea. So you do not need to invite or include anyone you don't want to.

BUT

2) Once you invite them, they are guests, full fledged guests. That means no inviting them and hoping or hinting that they understand that they are only sorta, kinda invited and should leave early or hope that they will just "swing by for a bit". Once they are guests, they get proper hosting and the full welcome treatment. They aren't "half-guests" or something odd.

Basically, make your decisions and own it.

kudeebee

  • Member
  • Posts: 2702
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #24 on: February 17, 2015, 02:14:29 AM »
Sounds like the inlaws were invited to join bridesmaids family on a "family vacation" to appease bridesmaids husband and so that he would attend  the wedding with her.  I am sure they came along to spend time with their family, not attend your wedding.  With that said, you are under no obligation to invite them to anything. 

I know if I was joining dd's family on a similar vacation I would not plan on being invited to the events.  I would plan a relaxing day with dh or volunteer to watch the grandkids so bm and her husband could enjoy the wedding events.  I doubt that it really matters to the 1 and 5 year olds whether they are at the wedding/reception or not.

So, I would not invite them to either event.  If bm moans and groans about her dh needing help with the kids during the ceremony, perhaps suggest the grandparents could keep them and that you would totally understand, that way she and her husband could enjoy the events, etc.

If you feel like it, package some food and have bridesmaids husband take it over to them before the reception starts so that they don't have to worry about cooking.

English1

  • Member
  • Posts: 410
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #25 on: February 17, 2015, 07:47:24 AM »
I think bridesmaid is being a bit cheeky here. She knew they were not invited to the wedding, so there's no reason to assume they now are just because they are camping in the same place to spend some time with her family outside of the wedding day.

You don't need to invite them to anything you don't want to.

(I travelled to a wedding a few years ago a month after I split up from ex. I cancelled his attendance at the wedding but already had travel and room booked for two people for a few days as we'd planned to make a nice little holiday of it. So I took my sister along for the trip instead. She didn't expect to be invited to the wedding. I didn't expect her to be invited to the wedding. She had a nice day pootling round by herself while I was at the wedding. The 'wedding' and the 'weekend away with ex sister' were two separate things).

wheeitsme

  • Member
  • Posts: 3821
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #26 on: February 17, 2015, 03:59:30 PM »
So...your bridesmaid's husband decided to bring his parents to the site of a destination wedding, and just have them show up for everything?  So that they could spend more time with them?

That's...odd.

MummyPumpkin83

  • Member
  • Posts: 243
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #27 on: February 18, 2015, 02:33:58 AM »
Even if the attendant was my own sister, I would not invite her husband's parents to my wedding unless I knew them and wanted them there. Your bridesmaid is presumptuous for expecting you to make them a part of your wedding day, no matter how matter small.

This could be a regional / cultural (as in the family/ friends that you grew up with culture) but this is the opposite of what I would expect.

I was bridesmaid for both of my sister's and my in laws came to both weddings. The first just to watch because I talked about it so much in the lead up. The other to help my husband with our three kids.

In my experience / culture anyone who wants to can come to the ceremony. The reception is the smaller more private part. At my own wedding there were people from my parents work, my parents friends who had known me when I was a kid, people from church, etc. All up about 120+ at the ceremony. The reception was for about 50 people including the bridal party. The majority of those 50 were family.

If your BM is from a "culture" where this is common that could be where the disconnect happened.
Mummy to 3 little Pumpkin boys!

gellchom

  • Member
  • Posts: 3722
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #28 on: February 24, 2015, 12:43:55 PM »
I'm with Oh Joy here.  No, I don't think that you are required to invite them.  But I think that you will be happier in the end if you do.  This family is making a big effort to attend your wedding.  The bridesmaid is your best friend of 20 years.  It would be a kindness to her to include them. 

And I disagree with the posters who are saying how rude the bridesmaid is to have invited her in-laws.  She didn't; she just was confused because the OP is inviting them to the reception.

You write
with so few people coming anyway (we invited about 60 but many won't make it due to location), I'd feel very weird having complete strangers attending my (small, distant, outdoor) wedding ceremony.
and
Quote
I suppose this is a little selfish, I'm visualizing my photographs of the ceremony with people in the background that I don't know or particularly care about, as opposed to the people I love.

Certainly understandable.  But you also write
Quote
I was going to offer a +1 anyway as I hate being single at weddings and if they have a friend close enough to go all that distance, they probably count as an SO anyway. 

A "plus one" (whom you many never even have met) is no more "one of the people you love" than this couple.  Why wouldn't the "plus one's" presence at the ceremony and possible inclusion in the background of photos make you feel "very weird"?  Consider whether the difference in how you feel about it isn't just a slight overreaction to being caught off guard at your friend's having assumed they were invited (which would be totally understandable).   In fact, if you do include them, I bet you will find that your displeasure at having these "people ... that [you] don't know or particularly care about" will be much less than you anticipate -- you probably won't even notice them -- and anyway no different from having your friend's date. 

To me, under the unusual circumstances, your best friend's in-laws are in a fairly comparable situation to the single friend's date.  They are spending a lot of time and travel so that your friend and her husband can attend your wedding; and it doesn't even cost you anything to have them at the ceremony, nor is it a very tiny, virtually private ceremony.  So it really is sending a message that their mere presence in a group of 60 or so would be unwelcome.  On top of that, it doesn't sound like they'd be in a place with a lot of other things to do while their son and DIL attend the ceremony.  It's not required that you invite them as it would be if they were spouses of people you want to invite, but in this situation it's the gracious thing to do.

Lynn2000

  • Member
  • Posts: 8322
Re: The Bridesmaid's In-laws
« Reply #29 on: February 24, 2015, 04:16:59 PM »
I think inviting them is a gracious thing to do, but not necessarily the only way the OP can be polite in this situation. The fact that they chose to accompany their son and DIL to this wedding, in a place where they know no one else and perhaps have little else to do, is not the OP's problem. For all we know the in-laws have made other plans for that time already, or would have if their DIL hadn't told them they needed to be at the wedding and reception.

I do think gellchom has a good point about +1s (unnamed, unknown dates of single guests) vs. these in-laws. Both groups are virtual strangers to the OP, and while some of those dates might turn into significant others or even spouses later, one's in-laws are pretty permanent already (unless one gets divorced). If it was a wedding of only a dozen guests I think I could see the point better, but 60 people is still a fair number, and I presume they would not be so rude as to horn in on family group photos or something like that.

I seem to be proposing two opposite ideas here. :) I think either choice can be polite, but it's best to have examined one's reasons thoroughly first.
~Lynn2000