Not Wanting to Offend Friend with "Charity".

[sammycat]

Today I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine who is going through a rough patch with her marriage and finances.  Without going into too much detail, finances are very tight and will become even tighter if they split up.

I have a couple of tops at home that I was going to return to the store as they are a tiny bit tight for me, but I just never got round to it and can't be bothered now.  I was going to offer them to this friend's daughter (12) a while ago, and again, never got round to it.  I also have an overloaded freezer thanks to some gift baskets we received prior to Christmas.  Some of these things we will never eat (nothing fancy - just certain frozen vegetables that aren't to our liking) and sooner of later I would have asked someone (anyone!) if they'd like the food.
 
My son is going over to their place to play tomorrow and I would like to offer the clothes to the daughter and frozen food to my friend.  But I don't want it to come off as a charity drive.  Is there a way to offer these things without it seeming like I'm trying to be a do gooder, as I'm really not and the last thing I would want to do is insult my friend. Alternatively, should I not offer the things at all at the moment?  Had I not known of these problems I would have offered the tops to the daughter tomorrow anyway but I'd hate it to look as though I'm only offering now because of the circumstances.

[Gileswench]

If you were going to offer them anyway, do what you'd originally planned. If she feels uncomfortable taking them, reassure her that this was something you wanted to do all along and it has nothing to do with any change in her circumstance. After all, it's the truth.

[supernova]

Turning it into a favor she's doing for you might help both of you save face.

I've done this when guests were leaving.  "Does anyone want to take this salmon home?  I don't have any more room in the fridge and I'd hate for it to go to waste."  "Mary, your husband loves this dip; why don't you take the rest home to him?  I don't need the temptation.  Tom, you're in college; would any of your friends eat this cheesecake..." etc. 

If you can think of a way to word it in those terms, it might be easier for her to accept.

     - saphie

[ClaireC79]

I'd probably ring the friend and asks if she likes X or Y, as you are trying to empty your freezer as soon as possible, but don't want the food wasted and as son is heading her way anyhow does she want them.

The clothes for the daughter I'd just send anyhow, maybe with a note saying if they don't fit her/ she doesn't like them then could she pass them onto someone who would

[freakyfemme]

Turning it into a favor she's doing for you might help both of you save face.

I've done this when guests were leaving.  "Does anyone want to take this salmon home?  I don't have any more room in the fridge and I'd hate for it to go to waste."  "Mary, your husband loves this dip; why don't you take the rest home to him?  I don't need the temptation.  Tom, you're in college; would any of your friends eat this cheesecake..." etc. 

If you can think of a way to word it in those terms, it might be easier for her to accept.

     - saphie

Yeah, I was going to say that.......tell your friend that she'd be helping you out by taking the stuff, because you're trying to de-clutter.

[Sharnita]

"Hubby was complaining that I need to make room in the freezer and he is the one who bought all these x veggies nobody in the family even eats! He can't walk by a sale. Hey, does anyone in your family eat X? I would love it if you take it off my hands or my kids will be eating it for every meal this week."


A few days later, "Do you know anyone who wears a size 12 shirt? I have outgrown mine but need to amke room in the closet before I buy more new clothes."

[Sterling]

I would offer it in this manner

"Friend I have a freezer full of frozen peas.  You know how much my whole family dislikes frozen peas but I know how much your little Sammy loves them.  Would you be interested in them?  I hate to throw them out.  Also I have these tops here that will fit Mary.  I was going to take them back but the store wouldn't let me.  Do you think would like them?  I can't wear them."

If you two are good friends then she shouldn't get mad.  I do this kind of thing all the time with a couple of my friends.  We are all cash strapped students or recent grads.  Post Christmas we always do an exchange because we end up with things that we would toss out otherwise.  Think of it as recycling not chairity.

[Slartibartfast]

Next time you chat with her, you should "just happen to mention" this wonderful site called Freecycle (google Freecycle and your community name; there should be a chapter near you!) and how excited you were to find someone giving away (something or other on the current freecycle list) becuase you always wanted one, and has your friend heard of this site?

Seems to me that may do a lot for your friend - it's not really "charity" since people would throw these things out anyway, and it's a bit less intrusive than you just giving her things.  Maybe you can mention you were going to offer the clothing and frozen goods on Freecycle, but did she want first crack at them?