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Author Topic: No corsage for you.  (Read 11119 times)

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tash112194

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No corsage for you.
« on: March 02, 2015, 10:02:26 AM »
Hi eHell, I'm looking for some advice on who/who not to give corsages to at my wedding.
My first thought is that I would like to give them to both of my grandmothers and my aunt, all of who have been mother-figures/stand-ins for me, since my mother abandoned me at age 4.
Then for my DF I would give them to his mother, and his step mother who has been in his life since he was younger than 8. (I think he was in their wedding when he was 8, I'm not sure exactly how long they were together before that though.)
I also have a step mother, but our relationship is very different from my DF's and his step mother's relationship. My step mother has only been in my life since I was 15, and I moved out at 18 largely because of her and our bad relationship.
I am not inclined to give her a corsage, but do not know the etiquette of including his step mother but not my own.
*I am not trying to turn this into another thread about my toxic family, I just want to know if it is alright to include his step mother in the corsages, and not my own, since the relationships do differ. I'm also wondering what-if anything should/could be said to smooth over this weirdness. - Thanks in advance!

AngelicGamer

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2015, 10:13:11 AM »
I feel this has been asked before, by a different OP and different circumstances, so I'm going to echo the reply that was given to her.  You either have to include your stepmom as well or not give DH's stepmom a corsage.  There are other ways to include her - ask her to give a reading, sing a song, be escorted by DH personally after he escorts his mom - but you can't give one a corsage and not the other one without huge drama llamas at your wedding.



z_squared82

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2015, 10:19:44 AM »
Or, you know, save the money and buy no one a corsage. The special people in your life know they are special people without extra flowers.

Alicia

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2015, 10:22:36 AM »
I also would give either both step mom's or neither corsages. I would do both.  The cost of one extra corsage when you are already doing so many is negligible and not worth potential insult to your father and step mom.

tash112194

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2015, 10:35:21 AM »
My only thing was that if corsages are supposed to be a way to publicly honor the people in your life who were a mother to you, then my step mother isn't in that category and I felt that by giving her a consolation corsage it diminished what my grandmothers and aunt had actually done for me.

HannahGrace

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2015, 10:38:06 AM »
My only thing was that if corsages are supposed to be a way to publicly honor the people in your life who were a mother to you, then my step mother isn't in that category and I felt that by giving her a consolation corsage it diminished what my grandmothers and aunt had actually done for me.

That kind of thinking is not going to keep your wedding drama-free.  I agree with PPs, either give both step-moms corsages, or none of them. 

Mustard

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2015, 10:41:00 AM »
I think they should all have a corsage; your grandmother and aunts will know how much you care about them, and what they have done for you.

Alicia

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2015, 10:41:16 AM »
Nobody else will notice or care who gets corsages.  It is only a public  insulting of your step mom and father and skipping her doesn't mal e anyone else better  off it only makes things worse. Seriously think of the last wedding you we to:who wore corsages?  I bet you're not sure. Skipping step mom will only cause hurt feelings with no positive feeling to balance out. Better to skip all corsages.  Also skipping step mom would likely make aunt feel alkward.  I know if my neice did that i would be giving up my corsage to the step mom under the assumption  mess up in order and if anyone should  not get one it is the aunt.

Zizi-K

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2015, 10:41:32 AM »
I understand from past threads that your relationship with your Stepmom is not the best. I don't agree that corsages are about honoring people. They are a way of distinguishing family who are not a part of the wedding party itself, but are still close family. (Frankly, upon reflection, I'm not sure what the point of corsages are - they are annoying to wear and look sort of old-fashioned to my eye.) But if you give all "maternal" figures a corsage and not her, it will be a slap to her face, and a public embarrassment (since all the guests will notice the exclusion, at least in her mind), one that is guaranteed to anger her and your father. It is fine that you do not place her in the same category in your mind emotionally, but the fact is that she is your stepmother and she should be included if you are giving them to other people of that class

In other words, what is the harm in including her? It does not diminish anyone else.

Margo

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2015, 10:42:26 AM »
I think that there are better, and less divisive ways to honour the people who have been important. Are either you, or your DF giving a speech or a toast? If so, that is the time to honour the people who have been really important to you - you can even add in your own toast to your aunt and grandmothers, separate from any speech your DF is giving.  (when my sister got married, my new BIL's speech included saying something about thanking my parents, not only for welcoming him into the family, but also for bringing up the woman he fell in love with. Perhaps your DF could say something similar about your grandmas and and aunt, and his own parents and step mom.

Are you giving gifts to your bridesmaids / groomsmen? If so, perhaps you could give something small to your aunt and grandmas at the same time, to thank them for being there for you as you grew up

I think that not giving one to your step mom, in the circumstances you describe, would be a very public snub.

EllenS

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2015, 10:54:35 AM »
I think that there are better, and less divisive ways to honour the people who have been important. Are either you, or your DF giving a speech or a toast? If so, that is the time to honour the people who have been really important to you - you can even add in your own toast to your aunt and grandmothers, separate from any speech your DF is giving.  (when my sister got married, my new BIL's speech included saying something about thanking my parents, not only for welcoming him into the family, but also for bringing up the woman he fell in love with. Perhaps your DF could say something similar about your grandmas and and aunt, and his own parents and step mom.

Are you giving gifts to your bridesmaids / groomsmen? If so, perhaps you could give something small to your aunt and grandmas at the same time, to thank them for being there for you as you grew up

I think that not giving one to your step mom, in the circumstances you describe, would be a very public snub.

Yes, it would be a very public statement "Oh, by the way, I just want all you guests to know that I do not have a good relationship with Stepmom, nor do I consider her a maternal figure, unlike these people."  It's airing family laundry in public, which does not need to be done.

If you would like to give a special gift to the maternal figures in your lives, why not privately give them a small piece of jewelry or similar gift in the morning before the ceremony?

There are a lot of bits of pageantry/display that get added onto weddings as "tradition" or what "should" be done, that is really unecessary and can be fodder for hurt feelings. Corsages can be a nice thing to do in the right circumstances, but they are not in any way central or an important part of the wedding.

Betelnut

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2015, 10:59:45 AM »
I would just include her--it doesn't seem like that huge a thing to do to avoid "weirdness."
Native Texan, Marylander currently

DavidH

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2015, 11:01:21 AM »
Publicly shaming someone or intentionally embarrassing someone is rude, whether they deserve it or not.  If your intention is to use the corsage to make the statement that you want to thank your grandmothers and aunt for all they've done and by implication or intention you want to call out your stepmother for being toxic, that's a problem.  That's also how anyone who is paying attention will see it. 

Thank your grandmothers and aunt in private and in a public speech if you want to. 

#borecore

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2015, 11:01:58 AM »
Yeah, just give her a flower and don't worry about the implications.

Frankly, I do not think anyone will give it a second thought if you do it, but not doing it will be feeding the drama llama.

HotMango

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2015, 11:04:07 AM »
I agree with everyone else. Your wedding is not the time to start World War III. If it would so grieve you to present your stepmother with a flower to wear, I would just forgo the wearable flowers all together.