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Author Topic: No corsage for you.  (Read 11138 times)

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mime

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2015, 11:08:39 AM »
I like the idea of giving corsages to the two women who raised you and the two women who raised your DF. But, yeah, that would appear to be a snub because an outside observer would think the two stepmothers should be treated equally.

OP, I understand *not* wanting to honor your stepmom with a corsage, and I would feel the same way (yeah, I know it's childish and petty; I never said I was perfect). I'd probably skip the corsages altogether. Get nice bracelets or something for your grandmother and aunt to wear to the wedding. you can give them privately before the wedding and thank them for raising you. DF can do the same for his mom and stepmom. Say something nice about the women who raised you in speeches on the wedding day if you want.

Regardless of what you do, though, the people closest to you will know the truth about the women who treated you like a daughter when you needed a mother, and that your stepmom wasn't one of them.

Bethalize

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #16 on: March 02, 2015, 11:12:13 AM »
We gave my husband's father's wife a handbag corsage. The mothers had boutonnieres. She had a corsage but was not the same.

sulygirl

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2015, 03:48:50 PM »
We gave them to the grandmas and moms.  Basically, anyone who would have been paired up with someone who got a boutannier got them (that was Dads, sister's boyfriend who is walking mom, best man, ushers).  Anyone who will be walking or have a role will get a boutannier.  The grandmas are both walking with my fiance's brothers, so they got corsages.

Everyone has different opinions but you should make it even.  Despite how you may feel, just use one solid rule across the whole wedding party to make it easier.

Hmmmmm

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2015, 04:50:18 PM »
I believe the wife of your father should receive a corsage. But it can be of a different style.

Awestruck Shmuck

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2015, 05:31:43 PM »
Give corsages to the people that mean something to you - but if there is someone who giving a corsage to, would be 'traditional'/'normal', why not give them a corsage for the sake of harmonious relationships.

I had corsages for both mine & DHs mothers, and FILs girlfriend - She & DH don't have a mother/son relationship but they are very close - and FIL loves her, so  was keen to honour *that* rather than any relationship she has with DH.

DHs mother took that corsage (intended for FILs GF) before they were given at the church - and gave it to her +1 (a friend that none of us had met), I was really annoyed when I found that ot later, but on the day? I didn't notice.

camlan

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2015, 07:02:54 PM »
My thoughts are these:

Not giving your stepmother a corsage when all the other women in the immediate families get one will hurt her feelings. Granted, you do not have a good relationship right now. Do you want to make it worse? (I'm sorry, I can't remember your previous threads, so I'm not sure of the details of your relationship with Stepmother.)

It may also hurt your father's feelings. Do give this some consideration. Could you bring yourself around to the thought of giving her the corsage not for her sake, but for your father's?

This may cause drama at your wedding. Do you want this?

My suggestion, like many PPs, is give everyone a corsage, or give no one a corsage. If you decide to go with the corsages, don't think of them as honoring the women in your lives, think of them as just a marker for who is related to the bride and groom.

Then think of some other way to honor the women who have stood in the place of a mother to you. It doesn't have to be public or even at the wedding. Take them out to lunch before the wedding and thank them. Or the special piece of jewelry mentioned above.

The corsage is a thing. It only has the meaning you give it. Don't invest it with too much meaning at your wedding.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Winterlight

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #21 on: March 03, 2015, 02:35:56 PM »
I believe the wife of your father should receive a corsage. But it can be of a different style.

I think that would be pretty much guaranteed to start a fight.

Do a corsage for all or nobody, but don't try to distinguish between them with different styles.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Browyn

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2015, 03:19:21 PM »
Maybe do a gift to the special women - but not in public.  We gave the MOB and MOG engraved compact mirrors with the wedding date engraved on them.

Something like this http://www.thingsremembered.com/product/Leaves-Vines-Compact/159970.uts?keyword=compact

gellchom

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2015, 04:20:29 PM »
Still unanimous. 

I do understand how it sticks in your throat.  But this is just way too much symbolism to pile onto a flower.  It doesn't mean anything about anyone's relationships.  Try to think of it the same way as you are giving the same meal to her as to everyone else -- that's really all it is.  Maybe it will also help to remember that you will be saving your father a lot of grief, too.  Or that a wedding is traditionally a time to be magnanimous; like how hosts share their good fortune and happiness and donate money to a food bank or anti-poverty organization.

Letting her have a corsage will say nothing to anyone (or at most it will say to those who know the situation that you are gracious and mature).  Giving everyone but her a corsage will say a lot, and it won't be about her -- it will be about you, and it won't be pretty.  It won't make people think, "She is a bad stepmother," it will make them think, "The bride is using her wedding to publicly humiliate her stepmother, which is petty, childish, and rude no matter how much the stepmother deserves it.  No wonder they have a bad relationship."

If you simply can't bring yourself to do it, then, I agree, just skip the corsages all around.  The others may not be as disappointed as you might think -- at my kids' weddings, I would have preferred not to have to wear them anyway.  The pin-on kind mess up your dress, and the wrist kind keep catching on stuff and getting in the way.  Everyone knew who the moms and grandmas were anyway.  I took them off as soon as I got to my table at dinner both times.

You don't want your wedding to be about this, or about your relationship with your stepmother at all.  The way to do that is not to pump up the drama, which doing this would do.  And it will take up your head space, too; you won't be able to stop thinking about it.  Order the stupid flower for her, and then you can forget all about it.

camlan

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #24 on: March 03, 2015, 05:03:45 PM »
S

Letting her have a corsage will say nothing to anyone (or at most it will say to those who know the situation that you are gracious and mature).  Giving everyone but her a corsage will say a lot, and it won't be about her -- it will be about you, and it won't be pretty.  It won't make people think, "She is a bad stepmother," it will make them think, "The bride is using her wedding to publicly humiliate her stepmother, which is petty, childish, and rude no matter how much the stepmother deserves it.  No wonder they have a bad relationship."


This is what Miss Manners would tell you to do. Act like the bigger person and be gracious and charming to your stepmother. (Miss Manners usually gives this advice in a similar situation--that of a divorced wife having to be polite to her ex-husband's new bride at one of their children's weddings.) If you act in a gracious, polite manner (whatever you might be feeling inside), everyone around you will notice.

And it takes an opportunity for complaint away from your stepmother.

If you don't give Stepmother a corsage, and she throws a hissy fit or whatever at your wedding--that's what you will remember about the wedding. Is that what you want to take with you from what is supposed to be a happy day for you?
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


crella

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #25 on: March 03, 2015, 06:05:53 PM »
Still unanimous. 

I do understand how it sticks in your throat.  But this is just way too much symbolism to pile onto a flower.  It doesn't mean anything about anyone's relationships.  Try to think of it the same way as you are giving the same meal to her as to everyone else -- that's really all it is.  Maybe it will also help to remember that you will be saving your father a lot of grief, too.  Or that a wedding is traditionally a time to be magnanimous; like how hosts share their good fortune and happiness and donate money to a food bank or anti-poverty organization.

Letting her have a corsage will say nothing to anyone (or at most it will say to those who know the situation that you are gracious and mature).  Giving everyone but her a corsage will say a lot, and it won't be about her -- it will be about you, and it won't be pretty.  It won't make people think, "She is a bad stepmother," it will make them think, "The bride is using her wedding to publicly humiliate her stepmother, which is petty, childish, and rude no matter how much the stepmother deserves it.  No wonder they have a bad relationship."

If you simply can't bring yourself to do it, then, I agree, just skip the corsages all around.  The others may not be as disappointed as you might think -- at my kids' weddings, I would have preferred not to have to wear them anyway.  The pin-on kind mess up your dress, and the wrist kind keep catching on stuff and getting in the way.  Everyone knew who the moms and grandmas were anyway.  I took them off as soon as I got to my table at dinner both times.

You don't want your wedding to be about this, or about your relationship with your stepmother at all.  The way to do that is not to pump up the drama, which doing this would do.  And it will take up your head space, too; you won't be able to stop thinking about it.  Order the stupid flower for her, and then you can forget all about it.

Very well-said. I agree, with gellchom, and with everyone's replies.

kareng57

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #26 on: March 04, 2015, 12:44:16 AM »
Still unanimous. 

I do understand how it sticks in your throat.  But this is just way too much symbolism to pile onto a flower.  It doesn't mean anything about anyone's relationships.  Try to think of it the same way as you are giving the same meal to her as to everyone else -- that's really all it is.  Maybe it will also help to remember that you will be saving your father a lot of grief, too.  Or that a wedding is traditionally a time to be magnanimous; like how hosts share their good fortune and happiness and donate money to a food bank or anti-poverty organization.

Letting her have a corsage will say nothing to anyone (or at most it will say to those who know the situation that you are gracious and mature).  Giving everyone but her a corsage will say a lot, and it won't be about her -- it will be about you, and it won't be pretty.  It won't make people think, "She is a bad stepmother," it will make them think, "The bride is using her wedding to publicly humiliate her stepmother, which is petty, childish, and rude no matter how much the stepmother deserves it.  No wonder they have a bad relationship."

If you simply can't bring yourself to do it, then, I agree, just skip the corsages all around.  The others may not be as disappointed as you might think -- at my kids' weddings, I would have preferred not to have to wear them anyway.  The pin-on kind mess up your dress, and the wrist kind keep catching on stuff and getting in the way.  Everyone knew who the moms and grandmas were anyway.  I took them off as soon as I got to my table at dinner both times.

You don't want your wedding to be about this, or about your relationship with your stepmother at all.  The way to do that is not to pump up the drama, which doing this would do.  And it will take up your head space, too; you won't be able to stop thinking about it.  Order the stupid flower for her, and then you can forget all about it.


I agree, at my son's wedding last year I wasn't expecting a corsage.  I knew that they were ordering a pin-corsage for my mother (the only grandmother at the wedding) but I was quite surprised when the bride's mother and me were presented with wrist corsages.

They were very nice, but for me it wouldn't have been a hill-to-die-on.  At least a wrist corsage didn't make my dress top flop-over, but it did make eating dinner a bit more awkward.  Not a big deal anyway.....but overall I agree that other guests will almost certainly not notice who is wearing, or not wearing, corsages.  Ladies who might have been expecting them (because they knew others were), and did not get them, will certainly notice.  Even if they're gracious enough to not say anything - well, the bad feeling could certainly be there.

Overall - I agree, order the corsage for her.  It's very unlikely that anyone who sees it is going to conclude that OP and she have an awesome relationship.

cicero

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #27 on: March 04, 2015, 05:42:21 AM »
Still unanimous. 

I do understand how it sticks in your throat.  But this is just way too much symbolism to pile onto a flower.  It doesn't mean anything about anyone's relationships.  Try to think of it the same way as you are giving the same meal to her as to everyone else -- that's really all it is.  Maybe it will also help to remember that you will be saving your father a lot of grief, too.  Or that a wedding is traditionally a time to be magnanimous; like how hosts share their good fortune and happiness and donate money to a food bank or anti-poverty organization.

Letting her have a corsage will say nothing to anyone (or at most it will say to those who know the situation that you are gracious and mature).  Giving everyone but her a corsage will say a lot, and it won't be about her -- it will be about you, and it won't be pretty.  It won't make people think, "She is a bad stepmother," it will make them think, "The bride is using her wedding to publicly humiliate her stepmother, which is petty, childish, and rude no matter how much the stepmother deserves it.  No wonder they have a bad relationship."

If you simply can't bring yourself to do it, then, I agree, just skip the corsages all around.  The others may not be as disappointed as you might think -- at my kids' weddings, I would have preferred not to have to wear them anyway.  The pin-on kind mess up your dress, and the wrist kind keep catching on stuff and getting in the way.  Everyone knew who the moms and grandmas were anyway.  I took them off as soon as I got to my table at dinner both times.

You don't want your wedding to be about this, or about your relationship with your stepmother at all.  The way to do that is not to pump up the drama, which doing this would do.  And it will take up your head space, too; you won't be able to stop thinking about it.  Order the stupid flower for her, and then you can forget all about it.

Very well-said. I agree, with gellchom, and with everyone's replies.
I agree.

I also understand where you're coming from but I wouldn't use *this moment* or *this symbol* to make a stand. if you are going to go ahead with the corsages, then she should be included and get the same as the others.

for your aunt and grandmothers - the people who stepped in and acted like a mom - you might get them something separate and give it to them privately. Maybe write them a heartfelt letter about how grateful you are for having them in your life. that way you get to do something special for them.


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Lynn2000

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #28 on: March 04, 2015, 11:56:02 AM »
Agree with the others.

I haven't looked it up, but in my experience the corsage is not about honoring mother-figures, or at least not solely about that. At my friend's wedding a few years ago, all of the bridesmaids had corsages, and I also was given one--I was the reader. So it seemed like all females who participated in the ceremony as a helper to the HC got a corsage. I don't recall them going to family members who just sat in the audience.

I didn't really get the significance myself. All the bridesmaids were in similar dresses standing at the front, and I got up twice and spoke in front of everyone; in other words it was pretty obvious who we were, even without a corsage.
~Lynn2000

sulygirl

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Re: No corsage for you.
« Reply #29 on: March 05, 2015, 08:44:11 AM »
I was thinking about how to really denote the people that did really special things for us the other day.  Yes, we are giving corsages and bouts to people helping (heck, we bought the ties and squares for all the guys who have even a small role in the wedding because my fiance wants them to match in dark suits), but what can I do to let certain people know how (genuinely) thankful I am for them?  We determined we would think awhile and just write them some beautiful prose on why they matter to us.  My fiance is an English major and writes great "everyday love letters" so I think that is what we will do for the moms and people who care.  For my grandmother that wrote me a "25 things why you are awful" list for my 25th birthday, she will get a short letter thanking her for coming.  That's about as genuine as I can be somedays with her - especially when she sets in on my mom or aunts. 

It makes sense, I not only make cards for fun, I hold onto cards for years.  I have a box of sentimental cards from my one grandmother alone that I get out when I feel blue.  She writes beautiful letters to all of us.  I keep mine.  I would imagine your mother and other loved ones would feel the same.