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  • November 23, 2017, 08:31:13 PM

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Author Topic: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker  (Read 16473 times)

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LonniesMom

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Re: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker
« Reply #15 on: March 03, 2015, 12:44:36 PM »
I hate that sarcastic office banter. I find it very rude. Depending on the situation I either let it go or say nothing.

katycoo

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Re: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker
« Reply #16 on: March 03, 2015, 02:24:47 PM »
Unfortunately I think that you've handled it a little too coldly.

The impression I got was that he was trying to be friendly and inclusive.  Now you've created a very cold environment - he thinks you're rude and doesn't know what he did wrong.

What I think you could have done is told him what he had said that had bothered you, and it a straightforward, but still friendly manner.  Some people are just clueless but are more than happy to accomodate when educated.

No, he's not being inclusive at all. He's telling the OP, in so many words, that he has a problem with her being a female. You know, the sort of female who will leave all the heavy lifting (real and metaphorical) to his manly self, because she might "break a nail."

He knows that he offended her, and she acknowledged the apology. She's not obligated to soften that by going, "Oh, but I know you didn't mean anything, I wasn't really offended, you're a wonderful person and I'm the one who should apologize for making you feel bad about being offensive to me, yada yada yada."

I don't think she should have softened the apology. I just think that she should have said something like "it's actually really offensive when you say things like that because it's implying I'm not capable and therefore lesser than you. I'd appreciate if you'd make an effort not to do so again". With a smile.

And if he's still doing it, go cold. I just think it's better to clearly state what your issue is to know you've done what you can to be collegiate.

EllenS

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Re: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker
« Reply #17 on: March 03, 2015, 02:31:18 PM »
I get what you're saying, katycoo, and that's a legit choice. I just don't think you owe people an education in return for insulting you.

I'm sure Insultingman was not the only person at the office with whom OP ever interacted. There are plenty of opportunities to be cordial with co-workers who are not actively belittling you at every turn.

Cali.in.UK

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Re: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker
« Reply #18 on: March 04, 2015, 02:03:12 PM »
OP, I think you did a great job. In the past I had experience working with men who considered insulting/patronizing comments teasing to be work-banter. I would secretly seethe but I wished I had done what you did. I also find it really unattractive and offensive when men insult/degrade woman as a form of flirting, it reminds me of those weird pickup artist shows where the pickup artist instructs the students to "lower the woman's self-esteem" before asking her out.
Also, since I don't know your coworker I can't say for sure, but most of the people that I have encountered in my life who like to "joke" with others by being insulting tend to react quite poorly when the tables are turned. I had a manager one summer during undergrad that was pretty insulting to everyone at work, especially the younger female staff, but always claim it was "just a joke" if people got upset and then he would get very stern when others made jokes at his expense.
Hopefully he learns from this and doesn't treat other new coworkers that way.

Drunken Housewife

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Re: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker
« Reply #19 on: March 04, 2015, 11:20:58 PM »
Just like Cali-inUK, this reminded me of "pick up artists."  I bet the coworker thinks he is flirting with you by "negging", which is making little remarks to make a woman feel insecure and like the man is of a higher caliber than her.  I don't know if it ever works to make the woman admire the man and desire him.  In my experience, women are not fond of being continually put down, and like the OP, do not like the person doing it.

For those of you who have not been exposed to this rather horrible phenomenon, the PUA culture, here's a link:  http://www.seductionscience.com/2010/negging-women/  Depressing and sexist.  I tried to pick one less vulgar than usual.
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greencat

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Re: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker
« Reply #20 on: March 04, 2015, 11:49:11 PM »
Just like Cali-inUK, this reminded me of "pick up artists."  I bet the coworker thinks he is flirting with you by "negging", which is making little remarks to make a woman feel insecure and like the man is of a higher caliber than her.  I don't know if it ever works to make the woman admire the man and desire him.  In my experience, women are not fond of being continually put down, and like the OP, do not like the person doing it.

For those of you who have not been exposed to this rather horrible phenomenon, the PUA culture, here's a link:  http://www.seductionscience.com/2010/negging-women/  Depressing and sexist.  I tried to pick one less vulgar than usual.

Having read the original version of the "negging" technique (forgot where), it was meant to be applied with a feather-light touch.  Most guys read something about it and use it as a sledgehammer.

bopper

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Re: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker
« Reply #21 on: June 19, 2015, 08:10:42 AM »
"Teasing is generally something funny you do with people you know. That isn't the case here."

mime

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Re: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker
« Reply #22 on: June 23, 2015, 03:28:10 PM »
I like your responses! Very dignified and professional.

Poor guy-- you're not falling in line and giggling at his cute little jokes.

As for negging: wow. I don't know if I'm more frustrated that people actually do this, or that it is more effective than it should be.

Lexophile

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Re: Silently Shutting Down a Condescending Coworker
« Reply #23 on: October 24, 2017, 05:02:44 PM »
I get what you're saying, katycoo, and that's a legit choice. I just don't think you owe people an education in return for insulting you.

I'm sure Insultingman was not the only person at the office with whom OP ever interacted. There are plenty of opportunities to be cordial with co-workers who are not actively belittling you at every turn.

THIS!

I think the OP was actually quite controlled in her response. Why should she have to monitor her actions if this guy can't monitor his? There is absolutely no excuse for that kind of behavior. Full stop. The only thing people like this understand is exactly what the OP did. I applaud her responses!
"Submission to what people call their 'lot' is simply ignoble. If your lot makes you cry and be wretched, get rid of it and take another." - Elizabeth von Arnim


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