Do I gift them again? Since they never acknowledged first gift?

[CherryB]

Hi everyone. Here is my dilemma: My nephew got married 2 years ago. I had never met his fiance and since I live out of state and was unable to attend the wedding I sent them a very generous VISA gift card along with a card and included some personal congratulations.

You guessed it- no thank you card, no acknowledgement whatsoever. Nephew's Mom (my sister) said something to him and nephew replied "Oh yea I don't think we sent anyone TY cards. oops" I finally met new niece in law last April when they were my guests at a beach resort. Once again, no mention or acknowldegemnt of my gift. Now NIL is pregnant-due late spring. Do I gift them again-knowing that once again there will probably be no acknowledgement ? I am torn-I want to give this baby a keepsake, but I hate to be taken for granted. Your thoughts? Am I being petty?

[fklwmn]

I think if you want to give one, you'll have to do it with the knowledge that it will not be acknowledged and you will not get any kind fo thank you. If, knowing that, you still feel like you would like to get he baby a keepsake, then please do. Do it for yourself and for the child, not for Nephew and NIL.

But, if the idea of not having your gift acknowledged bothers you as much as it would bother me then it is perfectly acceptable to skip it. You can always just send a card to welcome new baby.

[blue2000]

No, I don't think you are being petty for wanting your gift to be acknowledged.

Send a gift for the baby if you really want. It isn't their fault that the parents are clueless. Personally, I'd stick with a small toy, or something of that nature, rather than money or any expensive keepsakes.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I would be worried that Nephew and NIL wouldnt see whatever you give them as a keepsake, and may not keep the gift!  

I agree with fklwmn - if you give, know that it won't be acknowledged, and that what you give may not be treasured the way you want it to be.  BUT you are under no obligation to give whatsoever.  Perhaps when the child is older and able to appreciate a keepsake his/her self might be a better time to give?

I might be a little PA and give them a call after I sent the gift "Hi Nephew! Did you receive the XXX I sent? Oh, good! I was so worried that you hadnt actually received it when I didnt hear from you, and it is such a special item..."

[itiswhatitisn't]

I'd send them a gift, or actaully send the baby a gift.  But know that no note is coming.  And make that the end.  I didn't realize how big thank you ntoes were until I didn't get them.  We organized a shower by mail for a friend not having a shower.  She opened all the gifts the day after my wedding with her fiance.  Never sent a note, at least not to me.  Then for her wedding, which I could not attend, I sent her a set of dishes (serving for 4) and never heard a thing.  Two months afte that she and hubby bought a house.  I bought her a Home Depot gift card and never sent it.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  She wasn't getting a third chance. 

(BTW it was all I could do at our Turkey Day gathering to ask her which of the dishes we were using were the ones I had bought her)

[Chocolate Cake]

Nope, they are ingrates.  Send a card only and be done with it.

[ZipTheWonder]

http://www.savingsbonds.gov/indiv/products/prod_eebonds_glance.htm

[CherryB]

Thanks everyone..I appreciate the answers. I think a congratulatory card will have to do since my nephew and niece in law are ingrates! lol

[Slartibartfast]

Speaking as someone who knows she's supposed to do thank-you notes but is running very very late with the last few . . .

I have to say I really hate the feeling I get from some people that "They're too lazy to write thank-you notes so they're not good enough to get a gift."  Said with a superior smirk, like only etiquette-backwards people wouldn't send TY notes.  My DH's family doesn't do TY notes, ever, and DH wouldn't have even considered them for the wedding if I hadn't insisted.  One set of my grandparents got it into their heads when I was little that my siblings and I were lazy and didn't do TY notes (they were right for a while - we just put them off), so they would call about a week after our birthdays and complain to our parents that we hadn't sent TY notes.  Like that makes us want to send them one!  More recently, they called my parents to chew them out that I didn't send them a TY note for my birthday present - which I had never received!  They had been threatening to not send me presents for a while, and they're getting more and more forgetful (with "Slartibart doesn't do TY notes" stuck in their brain even though I've been good about them for the last fifteen years), so I assumed they finally hadn't sent me one.

Please don't let an otherwise polite and good person's lack of TY notes keep you from expressing whatever goodwill you would have done otherwise.  I'm not saying anyone is owed a gift, but don't withhold one out of spite!

[ShadesOfGrey]

Please don't let an otherwise polite and good person's lack of TY notes keep you from expressing whatever goodwill you would have done otherwise.  I'm not saying anyone is owed a gift, but don't withhold one out of spite!

I totally understand your ponit Slartibartfast, and agree that spite is never a good reason to withhold a gift (no matter how much I would want to...).  I dont think that this is about spite though.  It's about normal adult interaction, and acknowledging gifts/thoughtful gestures is just a regular part of a mature relationship.  When you give someone a gift or make a thoughtful gesture, you are putting yourself out there, offering them a part of your time and dedication (even if it only took you 5 minutes to choose, purchase and send), and acknowledgement/reciprocation of one's efforts is a very real part of relating to someone and maintaining the relationship.  In this case, Nephew and Niece-in-law have continuously been lacking in maintaining the relationship in this area. 

I see it as similar to if you always call a friend to chat, and he or she never calls you (even though she or he talks to you when you call) for no good reason (such as, he or she doesnt have long distance on their phone and so cant call you).  It's a lopsided friendship, and while everyone puts up with others' quirks to some extent, it's still a lopsided friendship.  Perhaps this analogy isnt completely accurate, but it's just how I see it. 

So, while I may want to be a bit snarky and fish for a thank you by saying something like "Oh, I wanted to make sure you received the gift, since I didnt hear from you." (which, IMO, is actually a valid reason to call as a follow-up to sending a gift- without fishing for a thank you, of course), I say dont send a gift because Nephew and Niece-in-law are practicing lopsided relationships and it makes the OP become in danger of being taken advantage of. 

[wetblanket]

acknowledgement/reciprocation of one's efforts is a very real part of relating to someone and maintaining the relationship

Hear hear.

I think this is the crux of it.  When this kind of thing happens to me, I figure that the other person is sending a message, although they may not be consciously aware of it.  I don't want to have relationships with people who are not conscious of their behaviour towards others.  It's not healthy, it's not fun, and life is too short for it.

[ZipTheWonder]

That's very true.  It's not quid-pro-quo (otherwise a thank you note would be hardly sufficient for a generous VISA gift card) but the relationship should not be one-sided. 

[blue2000]

Please don't let an otherwise polite and good person's lack of TY notes keep you from expressing whatever goodwill you would have done otherwise.  I'm not saying anyone is owed a gift, but don't withhold one out of spite!

I totally understand your ponit Slartibartfast, and agree that spite is never a good reason to withhold a gift (no matter how much I would want to...).  I dont think that this is about spite though.  It's about normal adult interaction, and acknowledging gifts/thoughtful gestures is just a regular part of a mature relationship.  When you give someone a gift or make a thoughtful gesture, you are putting yourself out there, offering them a part of your time and dedication (even if it only took you 5 minutes to choose, purchase and send), and acknowledgement/reciprocation of one's efforts is a very real part of relating to someone and maintaining the relationship.  In this case, Nephew and Niece-in-law have continuously been lacking in maintaining the relationship in this area. 

I see it as similar to if you always call a friend to chat, and he or she never calls you (even though she or he talks to you when you call) for no good reason (such as, he or she doesnt have long distance on their phone and so cant call you).  It's a lopsided friendship, and while everyone puts up with others' quirks to some extent, it's still a lopsided friendship.  Perhaps this analogy isnt completely accurate, but it's just how I see it. 

I think it depends on a number of things. I put up with this for years from an old friend, because she was a good friend to me when we did connect, and she put up with my quirks. I let the friendship end when it became clear that I had become a "B-list" friend - someone to hang out with when her wealthier, more stylish pals were busy (sadly I wasn't alone. She had lots of B-list friends. We should have formed a club or something )

I can handle someone being too busy, or too clueless, to respond to a gift. It is when someone does not consider the gift, or the giver, to be of any importance that I would give up and just send a card.

[Lisbeth]

If you really want to give them a gift, by all means do so, but I'd either make it a token gift (like a card) or recognize that you probably won't get a thank-you note for this gift either.

If having your gifts acknowledged is important to you, then don't give the gift.