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Author Topic: I'm Offending People?  (Read 14801 times)

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tash112194

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #15 on: March 23, 2015, 11:59:57 AM »
Have you given any thought to eloping?  8)

So.Much.Thought.

But we have older grandparents, and people on my DF's side that support us so much and have become a true family to me, that I would never want to rob them of the opportunity to see their only son/grandson get married.

Hmmmmm

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2015, 12:50:03 PM »
First, let me say I do not think you are doing anything wrong, but you might be able to do something to help with their feelings.

Based on this post and the one about a manager checking in too frequently, it comes across to me that you are a self-reliant, it's easier to do it myself, and dislike asking for help type person.

What your family and MOH is saying is "we want to feel needed".

Both of these are valid feelings.

Family's & wedding parties usually get pulled into a some wedding planning and preparation.  Not doing anything can make them feel like they aren't "doing their job".

As a person similar to you, I sometimes have a hard time delegating and or asking for help. But I want to meet their need to feel needed. So I find tasks and activities to include them in. Would it sometimes be easier to just do it on my own? Yep, but I can deal with the minor annoyance to make them happy.

In your position, I would say to my family and MOH:

"I'm sorry if our not asking for help makes you feel excluded from the planning. We have most of it covered but if you'd like to be more involved how about helping me with xxx?"

LadyL

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2015, 01:04:49 PM »
Your family sounds pretty pushy and you of course should set the boundaries you are most comfortable with.

But just for another perspective -  I used to run nightclub events for years and once ran an all day, outdoor festival stage with 16 acts. I planned about 95% of our pretty complex, DIY wedding on my own using a spreadsheet that grew large enough that I should have converted it into a database. After our wedding I attended 2 other "DIY" weddings, both outdoors at non-traditional venues, during which there were some oversights in planning that seriously impacted the comfort of guests. I wrote about them here - it ranged from guests misinterpreting the dress code (minor), to not having proper setup for dancing or music at the reception (moderate),  to not having bathrooms be easily accessible to all guests (obviously pretty major, and resulted in that reception ending early). In both cases there were many, many instances where if either HC had asked for my input, these issues could have been averted entirely. I did offer help to both HCs once or twice and was told they had it under control, so I backed off, only to wonder afterwards if I should have asked more questions (like "what's the plan for bad weather?" - both  HCs had weather related challenges that caused a huge amount of avoidable, last minute stress).

So...if you have relatives/friends with expertise, it might really benefit you to consider *some* input. They might think of things that you wouldn't. I know that my parents suggested a bunch of caterers that were NOT what we wanted at all but I basically said I'd "look into it" so they could feel involved and helpful.

tash112194

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #18 on: March 23, 2015, 01:13:31 PM »
Based on this post and the one about a manager checking in too frequently, it comes across to me that you are a self-reliant, it's easier to do it myself, and dislike asking for help type person.

Pretty accurate lol.
I don't have a problem asking for help, but I don't feel like help should be taken advantage of. In the instance of my invitations, it never even occurred to me to ask my MOH for help because I was perfectly capable of doing them myself. It took an hour and a half on the couch watching tv, not a big deal.
With the set up on the day of, I am hesitant to ask for help only because I know that I'm going to want to micro manage that and that I also won't be able to do it because I'll be busy getting ready. So it's a mixture of, who do I ask for help when I wish I was the one doing it.
Besides, I know so many people who throw the phrase "let me know if you need anything" around that I don't want to ask anyone for help who was secretly hoping I wouldn't need anything.
The facts though, are that I am going to need some help, just not the level my family wants to provide, as in every decision. If they're going to help then they need to help, not try to control. So they'll have to be able to take my deligating  >:D

TootsNYC

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #19 on: March 23, 2015, 01:31:06 PM »
Quote
Family's & wedding parties usually get pulled into a some wedding planning and preparation.  Not doing anything can make them feel like they aren't "doing their job".

Mine didn't!

OK, I take that back, my mom did. And of course I talked over dress ideas w/ my best friend. That was it.

Quote
In the instance of my invitations, it never even occurred to me to ask my MOH for help because I was perfectly capable of doing them myself. It took an hour and a half on the couch watching tv, not a big deal.
Maybe you could start saying, "It's not actually as difficult as the wedding magazines make it seem."

But my real vote is to just get out of the conversations completely. All conversations about wedding plans. Train yourself never to initiate those conversations, and to anyone who brings them up, be evasive ("how are the plans?"="oh, they're coming along, you know. How about your bean dip?"   or   "Have you picked a DJ?"="it's all coming together, how's your bean dip doing?") and try to end the conversation quickly.
   To anyone who pushes, say, "Oh, I really was hoping to have a conversation that didn't involve the wedding plans--I'm really sick of even thinking about them. I'm afraid it's going to make the day less special, if I rehash the plans over and over."

PastryGoddess

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #20 on: March 23, 2015, 01:47:03 PM »
I don't know what your budget is, but I would highly recommend a day of wedding planner.  The cost is often much less than having them plan the whole wedding.  It's also truly a weight off your shoulders to have a professional responsible for all of the little things that come up on the day of the event, so you can focus on getting married and having a great time. 

So if a family member says they want to help, you can point them to the wedding planner who is much more used to handling "helpful" relatives.

Jones

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2015, 02:29:29 PM »
After the stories you've told about your dad tying you into bills you didn't plan to take on, I would stay far away from his "help." And if a DJ doesn't fit into your plans, plus you can predict a guilt trip down the road, then sorry, there's no room for a DJ thanksforthethought.

You aren't being rude and if you have things covered then proceed, saying "Thanks but I've got this and just want to treat you, my beloved family, to a nice low stress day."
A real desire to believe all the good you can of others and to make others as comfortable as you can will solve most of the problems. CS Lewis

tash112194

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #22 on: March 23, 2015, 02:38:04 PM »
The DJ was from my grandparents, who just thought it was completely unacceptable that I use an MP3 player instead of an actual DJ. So I let them do it, because having a DJ does kindof help keep a schedule and help clue guests into things better, and because I didn't want my grandparents to feel like I was rejecting them.
My dad hasn't offered anything in the way of help other than snide remarks about my finances and opinions I never asked for.
My family (father excluded) thinks a lot of things are 'beneath them' like:
Oh good lord Tash you couldn't possibly not have a DJ! What about your ceremony music! And who will lead the first dance?!
Oh tash, you can't use the centerpieces that the venue will provide. No, those flowers simply aren't good enough! You can't have florist rejects as your centerpieces what will the guests think!"
Really?! Fish?! In the centerpieces?! Well you have always had interesting tastes...no I wouldn't ever do that, we couldn't possibly.
snobby snob snob
Things that are good enough for me do not always meet the 'family standard'.
My aunt can be quoted as saying "Hmm...no. That's not what I have envisioned for your wedding"
So sometimes it's "I want to help" but a lot of the time it feels like "I don't think you're doing good enough"

MyFamily

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #23 on: March 23, 2015, 03:23:49 PM »
As I like to tell my DH after he has 'helpfully' put away something that I was in the middle of using, it isn't really help if it creates more work or stress for me.  Your family isn't offering to help, your family is trying to create the wedding they imagine you should have, not the wedding you and your DF want.  I very strongly disagree with an earlier statement made in this thread that accepting help for things you want done is a sign of maturity; my 5 year old asks for help, she isn't more mature because of it.  You recognize what your needs are, and you recognize how your family is able to help (or not help) you, and therefore you are moving forward appropriately.  The very fact that they are even trying to make you feel guilty for not asking for help is a huge red-flag that they don't want to help, they want you to do things their way.

So, keep doing what you need to do; maybe talk to your MOH about who can help with day of set-up, since I'm assuming she's your MOH for a reason and she can help you find someone who will do it the way you want and not try to change it to how they feel it should be.
"The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones" - Solomon ibn Gabirol

TootsNYC

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #24 on: March 23, 2015, 04:21:27 PM »
Seriously, don't give these people any information whatsoever. Be like a cat that doesn't want you to pet it, or an eel. Wriggle away from giving any actual information whatsoever.

It's sort of like the "don't JADE [justify, argue, defend, explain]" concept.

"Why are you giving me information, if you don't want me to judge it or approve of it?" is what they're thinking. And in a way, they've got a point. So don't give them the tiniest details.

Something to learn for going forward, actually. This particular group of people can't be trusted to say, "Oh, that's interesting! How nice for you!" They are too self-focused; they can't take themselves out of the equation. You'll be doing your relationships with them a favor if you keep all details away from them.

baglady

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #25 on: March 23, 2015, 08:58:50 PM »
Have you given any thought to eloping?  8)

So.Much.Thought.

But we have older grandparents, and people on my DF's side that support us so much and have become a true family to me, that I would never want to rob them of the opportunity to see their only son/grandson get married.

Just curious, OP: Are you also an only daughter/granddaughter/niece/all of the above? Or if not an only, a first?

I've known my share of mostly moms, but sometimes also grandmas, aunts and even dads, who, ever since Little Girl Child was born, have been dreaming of her wedding day. And of course their expectations are colored by their own visions/fantasies that usually have them in the thick of things -- such as picking out the dress and flowers being this mother/daughter bonding experience.

And then standing before them is Big Girl Adult, who has her own ideas, and a groom with his own ideas, about how this wedding thing is going to go, and it doesn't involve them, at least not the way they've dreamed about. (This can happen when the bride isn't an Only, but there seems to be a heavier emotional investment when she is.)

I don't know if this is the case with your family, and even if it is, you are under no obligation to Humpty Dumpty their dreams back together again. I'm just offering it as a possible explanation for their behavior.

My suggestion is that going forward, you don't share your plans with them beforehand and give them an opportunity to judge or try to change them. But consider giving them things to do that will make them feel special and involved on the day, such as doing a reading at the ceremony or tending the guest book or gift table at the reception. In addition to the usual bride/groom, father/daughter and mother/son dances, have mother/father and grandma/grandpa dances (let them pick the songs).

There's probably some "They're so young, they don't realize if they don't have X at their wedding, they'll regret it for the rest of their lives" going on in their heads. This old lady, who has been married herself and attended tons of weddings, is here to tell you there is only one "X" you will regret if you don't have it, and that's photos. Invest in a professional photographer with lots of experience shooting weddings; don't let the family talk you into entrusting your memories to Aunt Sally and the Canon Rebel she got last Christmas.

I also like the idea of having a day-of coordinator, to make sure your plans are carried out and not hijacked by well-meaning relatives, and an MC of some sort. This can be the DJ, but I've been to weddings without DJs where a friend served as the MC ... just someone to keep the guests apprised of what's happening when.
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gramma dishes

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #26 on: March 23, 2015, 09:36:07 PM »
You and your DF are doing fine, Tash.  Don't let anyone talk you into having the wedding that fulfills their dreams.  Have the one that fulfills yours!

If you don't want a DJ, then don't have one.  If you decide to have one, choose your own.  If you might possibly be alright with the one your family wants you to use, meet with him PRIVATELY and see if he's willing to do things your way.  If he insists that he must set up right in your aisle, then thank him for his time and tell him goodbye. 

We totally did our own wedding with the exception of my dress.  My Mom did go with me in her home town and I found one that I really liked (and it fit right off the rack!).  Everything else we did ourselves.  But ... it was much easier for us because neither family lived nearby.

I think your parents and other family members may be feeling a little left out right now, or concerned that you're not doing things the way they always imagined in their own heads, but in the long run I think they'll be pretty impressed at your ability to handle it yourselves.  This will come in handy if and when you ever decide to have children.  You're giving them a preview that they will not be welcome to give you unsolicited parenting advice too! 

kudeebee

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #27 on: March 24, 2015, 12:05:20 AM »
In the instance of my invitations, it never even occurred to me to ask my MOH for help because I was perfectly capable of doing them myself. It took an hour and a half on the couch watching tv, not a big deal.

In this case, it isn't so much that the invitations were not hard to do, but that it was a chance for your MOH to spend time with you doing some wedding stuff.  It would have been a fun time, you could have got the invitations ready for mailing, talked, done something together.  I am sure that is what your MOH was thinking.

I agree that you will need help setting up the day of or you will be worn out for your own wedding.  Make your plans for setup, then hire someone to do it for you or have someone trusted do it.  Make sure the items that are the most important to you are conveyed to this person so that they are done your way.

Raintree

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #28 on: March 24, 2015, 01:11:55 AM »
Sounds as though they want not so much to "help" as to control things. If you accept "help" it seems likely to me that they could wield that over you for years to come every time they want you to feel guilty. "Look at all the help I gave you, arranging your DJ and flowers at the wedding, and now you won't even...(insert thing they want you do do)."

Feel free to stand your ground with "no thanks, we've got it covered. We just want our family to be able to show up and enjoy the party."

tash112194

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #29 on: March 24, 2015, 07:13:54 AM »
Sounds as though they want not so much to "help" as to control things. If you accept "help" it seems likely to me that they could wield that over you for years to come every time they want you to feel guilty. "Look at all the help I gave you, arranging your DJ and flowers at the wedding, and now you won't even...(insert thing they want you do do)."

Feel free to stand your ground with "no thanks, we've got it covered. We just want our family to be able to show up and enjoy the party."

Oof any comments like that will be met with, let me go get my checkbook, how much was that DJ again?

To some PP's: I made sure to get the DJ's number when we met with him, so any further contact will be exclusively between him and I (no grandparents allowed!) and I said in front of them that we don't want any family trying to contact the DJ and change our plans.

I think since we're winding down (now less than a month!) that the offers to help will keep increasing, but now there's much less we need since they keep asking me "Have you thought of favors yet?! Do you have a JP?!"  Like these are things that would have never occurred to me  ::)

So it should be easier to say no, I was more curious on if it actually was rude to not try to haul my whole family into working my wedding lol.