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Author Topic: I'm Offending People?  (Read 14727 times)

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shortstuff

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #30 on: March 24, 2015, 08:31:18 PM »
I definitely think you are wise to to not accept offers of "help" if you are not sure they are sincere, or at least in line with what your plans are. 

I recently got engaged and planned the wedding pretty quickly, so there wasn't much chance for anybody to offer help or comment on our choices.  The people who did offer to help, though, were pretty obviously sincere, and I was actually amazed at how many things people wanted to do for us.  But they offered to help in whatever way we wanted, totally our choice, which sounds like it was missing from your would-be helpers.  A close friend (best man's longtime GF, actually) practically begged me to let her do my hair, but also offered to help the bridesmaids too.  An aunt and uncle asked if we already had plans for a brunch, then offered to host one.  Everyone was being extra careful to not step on toes, which is why I accepted their offers.  They showed they cared with how they presented their offers. 

It's really cool how everyone goes wedding-crazy in different ways.  My FMIL is so excited, she sends me links and ideas occasionally, but she also is waiting to buy her dress until my own mom picks out what she wants.  Hopefully, tash, as your wedding gets closer, the good-crazy will start coming out more.

artk2002

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    • The Delian's Commonwealth
Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #31 on: March 25, 2015, 01:32:12 PM »
If you are concerned about family members contacting vendors directly and changing plans, then set up a password with each vendor. It's quite likely that your vendors have had to deal with that kind of situation before.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

JeanFromBNA

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #32 on: March 25, 2015, 07:21:13 PM »
There's probably some "They're so young, they don't realize if they don't have X at their wedding, they'll regret it for the rest of their lives" going on in their heads. This old lady, who has been married herself and attended tons of weddings, is here to tell you there is only one "X" you will regret if you don't have it, and that's photos. Invest in a professional photographer with lots of experience shooting weddings; don't let the family talk you into entrusting your memories to Aunt Sally and the Canon Rebel she got last Christmas.

This old lady, who has exactly one photo of the two of us together from our wedding, wants to warn you about this!!!

Now, feel free to ignore any more advice we give.

gellchom

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #33 on: April 07, 2015, 10:00:08 PM »
I don 't think you have to do anything different about your wedding, including letting anyone help.  But you might want to consider how you communicate your decisions so that it is clear that you are rejecting their help -- but you aren't rejecting them.

I'm just posting to say that maybe what they are saying is not that you are incompetent but that they are feeling shut out.  As well as disappointed and even a little hurt.  I would think this would be a common thing for many family members to feel, especially in families where there is usually family involvement in planning.  So you can do everything yourselves, but remember that they have feelings, too, and find some other way to make them feel valued.

Of course you are capable of doing favors and such yourself.  But would it be really so awful for you if your mom or someone did it along with you?  My point isn't that you should invite her to participate, just that that might be what she is feeling: not "Tash will mess this up if I don't help her" but "Why is it so important to her not to let me participate even by doing this one little fun thing with her?"

Also, be careful not to say things like "We are the ones getting married, so we should do it all ourselves, because we are responsible adults" -- you didn't say you did, but the comment about why you feel so strongly about it (your ages) makes me wonder if that message isn't leaking out somehow.  And that is an insult to anyone who did let anyone else help or participate in their wedding, which is offensive.

If you can't figure out a way to let people participate a little, or you just really want to do everything yourselves, then find some way to acknowledge their feelings and let them know some other way that they are very important in your lives.  I promise you that that, not a missed opportunity to tie some ribbon, is what's really bothering them.


tash112194

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #34 on: April 08, 2015, 07:02:46 AM »
I think their issue with the wedding is more that when we're asked about the wedding we say:
"We're doing X, y, with some z for the favors."
"We're not going to have a DJ."
"We're going to have the wedding here."

Instead of,
"What do you think we should do for favors? Do you think we should have a DJ? Where do you think we should have the wedding?"

And also, when they bring up other questions my response if I don't already have a plan is "Yeah I'll have to figure something out for that." not "Oh i don't know, what do you think?"

So they feel like they aren't included in the decision process because...well they're not.

But to me it's not that I'm actively trying to exclude them, it's just that it's something I automatically assume is my responsibility. - Alright maybe I'm actively trying to exclude my dad and step mom, but that's about it..

Jaelle

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #35 on: April 10, 2015, 09:33:13 AM »

[trim]

I'm just posting to say that maybe what they are saying is not that you are incompetent but that they are feeling shut out.  As well as disappointed and even a little hurt.  I would think this would be a common thing for many family members to feel, especially in families where there is usually family involvement in planning.  So you can do everything yourselves, but remember that they have feelings, too, and find some other way to make them feel valued.

Of course you are capable of doing favors and such yourself.  But would it be really so awful for you if your mom or someone did it along with you?  My point isn't that you should invite her to participate, just that that might be what she is feeling: not "Tash will mess this up if I don't help her" but "Why is it so important to her not to let me participate even by doing this one little fun thing with her?"

I'd agree, if not for the fact that the OP has gotten statements like"
* "Oh tash, you can't use the centerpieces that the venue will provide. No, those flowers simply aren't good enough! You can't have florist rejects as your centerpieces what will the guests think!" and
* "Really?! Fish?! In the centerpieces?! Well you have always had interesting tastes...no I wouldn't ever do that, we couldn't possibly."

If you're (general you) going to have that sort of attitude, I think you have to deal with the person you're criticizing pulling way, waaaaaay back on involving you at all. The OP has feeling too, and she (and her DF) shouldn't have to worry about theirs over hers. Why invite a family member over for a full time putting together favors when it's going to be a non-stop exercise in defending your choices? Better for family harmony to simply dodge it.

And this: "My aunt can be quoted as saying 'Hmm...no. That's not what I have envisioned for your wedding.'"

I'm literally double the OP's age. (Whoa.) And that made me want to stamp my foot and shout "It's not your wedding!" So I guess I don't blame her at all for keeping people at arm's length.
“She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
― Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites

TootsNYC

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Re: I'm Offending People?
« Reply #36 on: April 10, 2015, 09:55:13 AM »
I think their issue with the wedding is more that when we're asked about the wedding we say:
"We're doing X, y, with some z for the favors."
"We're not going to have a DJ."
"We're going to have the wedding here."


Stop answering with specifics.

I had a friend once who, if you asked her "What have you been up to?" she would literally say, "Oh, this and that." If you pressed, she'd say, "You know, things. Same old, same old."

It was infuriating--I figured out why, though, when I met her mom. What a witch! It didn't matter -what- my friend said, the mom found something about it to attack. I spend Passover day with them and couldn't breathe, I was so taken aback.

So, just do that. "What are you doing for favors?" You say "Oh, we have a plan, but I don't want to talk about wedding stuff."