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Author Topic: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?  (Read 15311 times)

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nuit93

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I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« on: April 07, 2015, 10:46:56 AM »
DF and I are having a full mass/ceremony that is in line with our religious beliefs.  The ritual is deeply important to us and not something we would consider eliminating.  Studying it together is a large part of what brought us together.  Our officiants and fellow church members are all very supportive of this and excited for us.  It is also a 90 minutes long when the ceremony and mass are combined.

I've been getting pushback from family members though, even as recently as last night.  My mother has known for months that yes, it's a longer ceremony than she's used to and yes, she still has five more months to get used to the idea.  Our last phone conversation went something as follows:

"So, it's still looking to be about 90 minutes long?"
"Yes..."
"Can't you just speed it up or cut parts out?  Lots of people just have a ceremony without a full mass, such-and-such relatives did..."
"No, DF and I have discussed it at length and the full ceremony and mass are very important to us."
"Hmph, well, if that's what you really insist on doing though some people do do other things..."
"Beandip?"

Ugh, this isn't the first time she's given me grief about the length of the ceremony and I highly doubt it will be the last.  And no, shortening or speeding up the mass is not an option.  I personally don't consider an hour and a half to be any great sacrifice and I sure as heck wouldn't ask someone else to shorten their ceremony for my comfort/convenience!

DF thinks it's rather rude of anyone to try and criticize the length of someone's wedding ceremony and I'm rather inclined to agree.  Honestly, if it were anyone else but my mother I'd probably just say "if that's too much time for you to take out of your day then we'll miss seeing you", but I'm not sure it would be the most polite to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets".

Do I just keep beandipping?  I can definitely handle doing that for the next few months, but honestly if she's going to spend the whole ceremony rolling her eyes and checking her watch I'm not so sure I even want her there.

EllenS

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2015, 10:55:41 AM »
It really depends on your relationship with your mom (manners are a lot more flexible based on the intimacy of the connection) but I would have told my mom, "If you get bored, you don't have to stay."

Another, slightly less brusque tactic would be to say, "The program is already set and cleared with [officiant]. I have other things to decide now."

Lynn2000

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2015, 10:57:53 AM »
With a close friend or relative, sometimes etiquette takes a back seat to the relationship. If saying, "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets," in as non-snarky a tone as possible (something light-hearted, perhaps) is what it takes to get her to see what she's doing from your perspective, then I think you should say it. Think of it as just reframing what she's asking about.

If you don't want to say that, or it doesn't help, then yes, I would continue with bean-dipping but also, don't give it so much headspace. The nice thing with bean-dipping is, you can develop a rote response, that you say every single time someone makes their own repetitive comment, so you aren't even thinking about it much. Then hopefully on your wedding day you won't be giving her complaints any thought either--that would be such a shame, to have that black mark on what's supposed to be a happy day.
~Lynn2000

TootsNYC

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2015, 11:04:07 AM »
Quote
Honestly, if it were anyone else but my mother I'd probably just say "if that's too much time for you to take out of your day then we'll miss seeing you",

Honestly, if she brings it up again, I might be really tempted to say that. Without the 'your daughter' bit.

Or, be flat-out honest: "Mom, it is making me really angry that you keep badgering me about this. It's not negotiable--the ceremony's what's most important to us. Please stop bringing it up. And if you get pressure from other relatives, I expect you to tell them exactly what we've been telling you: This is tremendously important to us.
  "I also expect you to -not- criticize our choices to other people, even if you agree with them.
  "I'm telling you this because your unwillingness to respect our decision and to leave it alone is starting to damage our relationship. Please stop."

JenJay

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2015, 11:16:19 AM »
People are being incredibly rude and selfish to ask you to cut down a very important part of your wedding because what, they'll find it boring or it's not of their religion or they want to get to the fun parts faster? Yikes. I'd respond "The ceremony will be 90 minutes. We understand if you feel you'll be unable to attend." That'll shut up anyone who really wants to be there (as I'm sure your mom really does!).

Luci

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2015, 11:33:25 AM »
I hope you make it clear that those who don't want to attend the ceremony are welcome to come to the reception only.

I've always felt the ceremony should be private anyway.

Just tell others that all parts of the ceremony and religion are very meaningful to you and DF so it is non negotiable.

I'm also wondering how many of these objectors would think nothing of attending a concert or play for that length of time, even without an intermission.

SamiHami

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2015, 11:39:44 AM »
"Mom, we've already discussed this and I explained that I will not be changing the ceremony. Please don't mention it again; it is not going to change."

and when she does mention it again:

"Sorry, Mom, but I'm not discussing with you anymore."

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jedikaiti

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2015, 11:44:01 AM »
Thankfully, I can be blunt with my Mom, and could say "This is how it is. You can be there or not, it's up to you. I will not discuss this again." Perhaps a modified version will work for you? "This is how it is, period. Stop. End of sentence. I will not discuss this again." Then ignore & bean dip every other time she brings this up.

Of course my Mom also knows how stubborn I can get (I get a chunk of it from her, after all), and would only make perhaps one comment about ceremony length. And I went the opposite direction anyway, with a 6-minute ceremony. <G>
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sparksals

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2015, 11:52:51 AM »
I'm with the others.  You can have the ceremony as you wish it and people are rude to attempt to get you to shorten that.


Having said that, I think you should make sure people *know* the length of the ceremony/mass.  Your invitations should indicate ceremony full mass or something to the effect so they know that it will be a lengthy ceremony.  Since your ceremony is longer than typical, it would be polite to let your guests know and be prepared for some not to attend - which is their right.  They may not feel comfortable attending a mass for their own religious reasons. 

nuit93

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2015, 12:23:12 PM »
Most of the people attending the ceremony are already intimately familiar with it, so I'm not concerned about that part of it.  The ones who aren't will most assuredly be warned in advance.

I was tempted to tell mom "well, 90 minutes is far shorter than a football game and you have no problem watching those", but that felt kind of rude.  Even if a football game is easily one of the most boring things I could imagine sitting through (but if I had a kid who was playing, you bet yer booty I'd be there cheering them on!).

EllenS

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2015, 12:27:16 PM »
I think including some wording about "traditional service" or "full mass" might be a thoughtful thing to do, especially if children will be there so the parents can be sure to bring things to keep them quiet. Even if the attendees are of the same religion, there is usually enough variation in choice of wedding service that they may not know you're doing it all-out.

If the reception is immediately following, you could also use that as a flag, by putting "reception immediately following, x:00 - x:00". That would tip me off that the ceremony is longer than I might be used to and I would come prepared.

We did a full church service for our denomination, which was around 45 minutes, and we still got flak about it being "too long". I found that really annoying. It's not like we locked the doors, or sprang our religious ties on unsuspecting strangers.

I did once sit through a different-religion service that was about 3 hours long. I had no idea it was going to be so long, but I was really glad to have experienced it. The interesting thing to me was, nobody made any effort to sit or stand formally for the entire time. The HC had a certain amount of walking around to do, attendants and flower children got up and down, and family members would sort of drift up to the altar area and mill around, pat the couple on the arm, drift back to their seats, etc. A very broadening experience!

mime

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2015, 12:47:03 PM »
Is is possible that your mom is worried that Auntie Caroline will be a nasty complainer about that long of a ceremony, so she's trying to make you change to accommodate others? It sounds like the kind of thing my family would do.

Let your mom know that the ceremony plans are final, and her ongoing criticism isn't going to make you change, in fact, it will just damage the relationship.

I hope you have a beautiful wedding!



cicero

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2015, 12:49:54 PM »
DF and I are having a full mass/ceremony that is in line with our religious beliefs.  The ritual is deeply important to us and not something we would consider eliminating.  Studying it together is a large part of what brought us together.  Our officiants and fellow church members are all very supportive of this and excited for us.  It is also a 90 minutes long when the ceremony and mass are combined.

I've been getting pushback from family members though, even as recently as last night.  My mother has known for months that yes, it's a longer ceremony than she's used to and yes, she still has five more months to get used to the idea.  Our last phone conversation went something as follows:

"So, it's still looking to be about 90 minutes long?"
"Yes..."
"Can't you just speed it up or cut parts out?  Lots of people just have a ceremony without a full mass, such-and-such relatives did..."
"No, DF and I have discussed it at length and the full ceremony and mass are very important to us."
"Hmph, well, if that's what you really insist on doing though some people do do other things..."
"Beandip?"

Ugh, this isn't the first time she's given me grief about the length of the ceremony and I highly doubt it will be the last.  And no, shortening or speeding up the mass is not an option.  I personally don't consider an hour and a half to be any great sacrifice and I sure as heck wouldn't ask someone else to shorten their ceremony for my comfort/convenience!

DF thinks it's rather rude of anyone to try and criticize the length of someone's wedding ceremony and I'm rather inclined to agree.  Honestly, if it were anyone else but my mother I'd probably just say "if that's too much time for you to take out of your day then we'll miss seeing you", but I'm not sure it would be the most polite to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets".

Do I just keep beandipping?  I can definitely handle doing that for the next few months, but honestly if she's going to spend the whole ceremony rolling her eyes and checking her watch I'm not so sure I even want her there.
wow. i found your mother's behavior very rude (sorry, I know it's your mom). this is *your* wedding and *you* get to decide how it's going to be. to me - the ceremony *is* the wedding, and everything else (dress, corsages, dinner, music) are the icing on the cake.

I don't know if this is a one-off, or if this is how your mom/parents are. I actually dont' think it's so bad to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets". Or "...Then, we'll just see you at the reception".

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nuit93

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2015, 12:51:47 PM »
Is is possible that your mom is worried that Auntie Caroline will be a nasty complainer about that long of a ceremony, so she's trying to make you change to accommodate others? It sounds like the kind of thing my family would do.

Let your mom know that the ceremony plans are final, and her ongoing criticism isn't going to make you change, in fact, it will just damage the relationship.

I hope you have a beautiful wedding!

The ones who would be likely to complain about the content/length of the ceremony are already not invited to the ceremony.  I've also mentioned this to mom though she 'pretends' to forget ("you know your cousin J wouldn't like that part of the ceremony!" "Cousin J is not invited to the ceremony, we've been over this").

nuit93

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #14 on: April 07, 2015, 12:59:30 PM »
DF and I are having a full mass/ceremony that is in line with our religious beliefs.  The ritual is deeply important to us and not something we would consider eliminating.  Studying it together is a large part of what brought us together.  Our officiants and fellow church members are all very supportive of this and excited for us.  It is also a 90 minutes long when the ceremony and mass are combined.

I've been getting pushback from family members though, even as recently as last night.  My mother has known for months that yes, it's a longer ceremony than she's used to and yes, she still has five more months to get used to the idea.  Our last phone conversation went something as follows:

"So, it's still looking to be about 90 minutes long?"
"Yes..."
"Can't you just speed it up or cut parts out?  Lots of people just have a ceremony without a full mass, such-and-such relatives did..."
"No, DF and I have discussed it at length and the full ceremony and mass are very important to us."
"Hmph, well, if that's what you really insist on doing though some people do do other things..."
"Beandip?"

Ugh, this isn't the first time she's given me grief about the length of the ceremony and I highly doubt it will be the last.  And no, shortening or speeding up the mass is not an option.  I personally don't consider an hour and a half to be any great sacrifice and I sure as heck wouldn't ask someone else to shorten their ceremony for my comfort/convenience!

DF thinks it's rather rude of anyone to try and criticize the length of someone's wedding ceremony and I'm rather inclined to agree.  Honestly, if it were anyone else but my mother I'd probably just say "if that's too much time for you to take out of your day then we'll miss seeing you", but I'm not sure it would be the most polite to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets".

Do I just keep beandipping?  I can definitely handle doing that for the next few months, but honestly if she's going to spend the whole ceremony rolling her eyes and checking her watch I'm not so sure I even want her there.
wow. i found your mother's behavior very rude (sorry, I know it's your mom). this is *your* wedding and *you* get to decide how it's going to be. to me - the ceremony *is* the wedding, and everything else (dress, corsages, dinner, music) are the icing on the cake.

I don't know if this is a one-off, or if this is how your mom/parents are. I actually dont' think it's so bad to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets". Or "...Then, we'll just see you at the reception".

She's that way with pretty much anything that doesn't fall into what she considers "normal".  Everything from the ceremony/reception location (since it's in the city and she hates driving in the city or going into it for any reason even if someone else is driving), the food (food truck vs. plated dinner), to how I got my dress (online).  Eventually I get an eye roll and a "whatever, I guess it's your day and your life so...well I guess you're just going to do whatever you want" in a biting, sarcastic tone.  I've taken to responding with "yep!".