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Author Topic: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?  (Read 15310 times)

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jedikaiti

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #15 on: April 07, 2015, 01:11:52 PM »
DF and I are having a full mass/ceremony that is in line with our religious beliefs.  The ritual is deeply important to us and not something we would consider eliminating.  Studying it together is a large part of what brought us together.  Our officiants and fellow church members are all very supportive of this and excited for us.  It is also a 90 minutes long when the ceremony and mass are combined.

I've been getting pushback from family members though, even as recently as last night.  My mother has known for months that yes, it's a longer ceremony than she's used to and yes, she still has five more months to get used to the idea.  Our last phone conversation went something as follows:

"So, it's still looking to be about 90 minutes long?"
"Yes..."
"Can't you just speed it up or cut parts out?  Lots of people just have a ceremony without a full mass, such-and-such relatives did..."
"No, DF and I have discussed it at length and the full ceremony and mass are very important to us."
"Hmph, well, if that's what you really insist on doing though some people do do other things..."
"Beandip?"

Ugh, this isn't the first time she's given me grief about the length of the ceremony and I highly doubt it will be the last.  And no, shortening or speeding up the mass is not an option.  I personally don't consider an hour and a half to be any great sacrifice and I sure as heck wouldn't ask someone else to shorten their ceremony for my comfort/convenience!

DF thinks it's rather rude of anyone to try and criticize the length of someone's wedding ceremony and I'm rather inclined to agree.  Honestly, if it were anyone else but my mother I'd probably just say "if that's too much time for you to take out of your day then we'll miss seeing you", but I'm not sure it would be the most polite to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets".

Do I just keep beandipping?  I can definitely handle doing that for the next few months, but honestly if she's going to spend the whole ceremony rolling her eyes and checking her watch I'm not so sure I even want her there.
wow. i found your mother's behavior very rude (sorry, I know it's your mom). this is *your* wedding and *you* get to decide how it's going to be. to me - the ceremony *is* the wedding, and everything else (dress, corsages, dinner, music) are the icing on the cake.

I don't know if this is a one-off, or if this is how your mom/parents are. I actually dont' think it's so bad to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets". Or "...Then, we'll just see you at the reception".

She's that way with pretty much anything that doesn't fall into what she considers "normal".  Everything from the ceremony/reception location (since it's in the city and she hates driving in the city or going into it for any reason even if someone else is driving), the food (food truck vs. plated dinner), to how I got my dress (online).  Eventually I get an eye roll and a "whatever, I guess it's your day and your life so...well I guess you're just going to do whatever you want" in a biting, sarcastic tone.  I've taken to responding with "yep!".

Quit discussing it with her. All she really needs is the information you'd give on the invitation. If she's going to be demanding, snarky, and condescending about every little detail, then don't tell her.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

camlan

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #16 on: April 07, 2015, 01:27:57 PM »
DF and I are having a full mass/ceremony that is in line with our religious beliefs.  The ritual is deeply important to us and not something we would consider eliminating.  Studying it together is a large part of what brought us together.  Our officiants and fellow church members are all very supportive of this and excited for us.  It is also a 90 minutes long when the ceremony and mass are combined.

I've been getting pushback from family members though, even as recently as last night.  My mother has known for months that yes, it's a longer ceremony than she's used to and yes, she still has five more months to get used to the idea.  Our last phone conversation went something as follows:

"So, it's still looking to be about 90 minutes long?"
"Yes..."
"Can't you just speed it up or cut parts out?  Lots of people just have a ceremony without a full mass, such-and-such relatives did..."
"No, DF and I have discussed it at length and the full ceremony and mass are very important to us."
"Hmph, well, if that's what you really insist on doing though some people do do other things..."
"Beandip?"

Ugh, this isn't the first time she's given me grief about the length of the ceremony and I highly doubt it will be the last.  And no, shortening or speeding up the mass is not an option.  I personally don't consider an hour and a half to be any great sacrifice and I sure as heck wouldn't ask someone else to shorten their ceremony for my comfort/convenience!

DF thinks it's rather rude of anyone to try and criticize the length of someone's wedding ceremony and I'm rather inclined to agree.  Honestly, if it were anyone else but my mother I'd probably just say "if that's too much time for you to take out of your day then we'll miss seeing you", but I'm not sure it would be the most polite to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets".

Do I just keep beandipping?  I can definitely handle doing that for the next few months, but honestly if she's going to spend the whole ceremony rolling her eyes and checking her watch I'm not so sure I even want her there.
wow. i found your mother's behavior very rude (sorry, I know it's your mom). this is *your* wedding and *you* get to decide how it's going to be. to me - the ceremony *is* the wedding, and everything else (dress, corsages, dinner, music) are the icing on the cake.

I don't know if this is a one-off, or if this is how your mom/parents are. I actually dont' think it's so bad to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets". Or "...Then, we'll just see you at the reception".

She's that way with pretty much anything that doesn't fall into what she considers "normal".  Everything from the ceremony/reception location (since it's in the city and she hates driving in the city or going into it for any reason even if someone else is driving), the food (food truck vs. plated dinner), to how I got my dress (online).  Eventually I get an eye roll and a "whatever, I guess it's your day and your life so...well I guess you're just going to do whatever you want" in a biting, sarcastic tone.  I've taken to responding with "yep!".

Quit discussing it with her. All she really needs is the information you'd give on the invitation. If she's going to be demanding, snarky, and condescending about every little detail, then don't tell her.

This. I would have taken to just not sharing any details of the wedding, or the process of deciding any of the details. Mom would have been invited as a guest, not the mother of the bride, if that level of criticism had been leveled at me.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Lynn2000

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2015, 01:36:40 PM »
Quit discussing it with her. All she really needs is the information you'd give on the invitation. If she's going to be demanding, snarky, and condescending about every little detail, then don't tell her.

This. I would have taken to just not sharing any details of the wedding, or the process of deciding any of the details. Mom would have been invited as a guest, not the mother of the bride, if that level of criticism had been leveled at me.

POD. If she questions why she's not getting any more info, I think it's fine to say, "Well, I've noticed that you often criticize my choices, so I've chosen not to share them with you anymore. How's your garden doing?"
~Lynn2000

nuit93

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2015, 01:38:50 PM »
DF and I are having a full mass/ceremony that is in line with our religious beliefs.  The ritual is deeply important to us and not something we would consider eliminating.  Studying it together is a large part of what brought us together.  Our officiants and fellow church members are all very supportive of this and excited for us.  It is also a 90 minutes long when the ceremony and mass are combined.

I've been getting pushback from family members though, even as recently as last night.  My mother has known for months that yes, it's a longer ceremony than she's used to and yes, she still has five more months to get used to the idea.  Our last phone conversation went something as follows:

"So, it's still looking to be about 90 minutes long?"
"Yes..."
"Can't you just speed it up or cut parts out?  Lots of people just have a ceremony without a full mass, such-and-such relatives did..."
"No, DF and I have discussed it at length and the full ceremony and mass are very important to us."
"Hmph, well, if that's what you really insist on doing though some people do do other things..."
"Beandip?"

Ugh, this isn't the first time she's given me grief about the length of the ceremony and I highly doubt it will be the last.  And no, shortening or speeding up the mass is not an option.  I personally don't consider an hour and a half to be any great sacrifice and I sure as heck wouldn't ask someone else to shorten their ceremony for my comfort/convenience!

DF thinks it's rather rude of anyone to try and criticize the length of someone's wedding ceremony and I'm rather inclined to agree.  Honestly, if it were anyone else but my mother I'd probably just say "if that's too much time for you to take out of your day then we'll miss seeing you", but I'm not sure it would be the most polite to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets".

Do I just keep beandipping?  I can definitely handle doing that for the next few months, but honestly if she's going to spend the whole ceremony rolling her eyes and checking her watch I'm not so sure I even want her there.
wow. i found your mother's behavior very rude (sorry, I know it's your mom). this is *your* wedding and *you* get to decide how it's going to be. to me - the ceremony *is* the wedding, and everything else (dress, corsages, dinner, music) are the icing on the cake.

I don't know if this is a one-off, or if this is how your mom/parents are. I actually dont' think it's so bad to say "well, if you can't take 90 minutes out of your day to see your own daughter get married then maybe you should just send your regrets". Or "...Then, we'll just see you at the reception".

She's that way with pretty much anything that doesn't fall into what she considers "normal".  Everything from the ceremony/reception location (since it's in the city and she hates driving in the city or going into it for any reason even if someone else is driving), the food (food truck vs. plated dinner), to how I got my dress (online).  Eventually I get an eye roll and a "whatever, I guess it's your day and your life so...well I guess you're just going to do whatever you want" in a biting, sarcastic tone.  I've taken to responding with "yep!".

Quit discussing it with her. All she really needs is the information you'd give on the invitation. If she's going to be demanding, snarky, and condescending about every little detail, then don't tell her.

I don't, unless she asks.

jedikaiti

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #19 on: April 07, 2015, 02:33:09 PM »
Quit discussing it with her. All she really needs is the information you'd give on the invitation. If she's going to be demanding, snarky, and condescending about every little detail, then don't tell her.

I don't, unless she asks.

You don't have to answer.

Mother: "What are you doing about _______?"
You: "Exactly what FH and I want to do. Bean dip?"
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

nuit93

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #20 on: April 07, 2015, 03:40:29 PM »
Quit discussing it with her. All she really needs is the information you'd give on the invitation. If she's going to be demanding, snarky, and condescending about every little detail, then don't tell her.

I don't, unless she asks.

You don't have to answer.

Mother: "What are you doing about _______?"
You: "Exactly what FH and I want to do. Bean dip?"

Thanks--you all bring up good points here.

I get that she's excited since I'm *finally* getting married at will-have-just-turned-34-at-the-time-of-the-wedding, but that also means that as a grown adult I get to make my own decisions.

And the catty side of me refrains from saying "you've had three weddings, three chances to do what you wanted.  Let me do mine my way!".

TootsNYC

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #21 on: April 07, 2015, 04:22:49 PM »

She's that way with pretty much anything that doesn't fall into what she considers "normal".  Everything from the ceremony/reception location (since it's in the city and she hates driving in the city or going into it for any reason even if someone else is driving), the food (food truck vs. plated dinner), to how I got my dress (online).  Eventually I get an eye roll and a "whatever, I guess it's your day and your life so...well I guess you're just going to do whatever you want" in a biting, sarcastic tone.  I've taken to responding with "yep!".

I'd probably be never telling her anything at all now. And if she specifically asked, like, "What are you doing about flowers?" I'd say, "Mom, I'm not answering that, because every time I tell you any level of detail, you pick it apart. It's really demoralizing, and it drives a wedge between us. Come and be surprised."

Sharnita

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #22 on: April 07, 2015, 05:19:24 PM »
I will say that I have attended several weddings that were full mass and none went more than a minute or two beyond an hour. Evenkknowing the plan for a full mass, 90 minutes would take me a bit by surprise.  I wouldn't take issue with it, just wouldn't expect it.

nuit93

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2015, 05:31:59 PM »
I will say that I have attended several weddings that were full mass and none went more than a minute or two beyond an hour. Evenkknowing the plan for a full mass, 90 minutes would take me a bit by surprise.  I wouldn't take issue with it, just wouldn't expect it.

I've been to ceremonies that were upwards of 2-3 hours, and other rituals that lasted an entire day.  90 minutes honestly struck me as being fairly normal.

greencat

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2015, 05:33:45 PM »
This is an excellent time for the "Ooops, the cat is on fire, got to go!" approach.  When your mother asks about it, terminate the conversation.  Don't do it angrily - just drop the rope by excusing yourself and getting off the phone.

Err, I have to ask, because even at my relatively young age I would be in a great deal of pain sitting on a wooden pew or a plastic folding chair for an hour and a half - the seats at the ceremony venue are cushioned, right?

nuit93

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2015, 05:39:53 PM »
This is an excellent time for the "Ooops, the cat is on fire, got to go!" approach.  When your mother asks about it, terminate the conversation.  Don't do it angrily - just drop the rope by excusing yourself and getting off the phone.

Err, I have to ask, because even at my relatively young age I would be in a great deal of pain sitting on a wooden pew or a plastic folding chair for an hour and a half - the seats at the ceremony venue are cushioned, right?

Yes.

LtPowers

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #26 on: April 08, 2015, 09:12:52 AM »
90 minutes strikes me as extraordinarily long. It's a big demand on your guests' time to sit through such a ceremony filled with religious details they may not share and ceremonial rituals they are merely observing rather than participating in. I'm sure for you, the participants, it will seem to go quickly, but some of your guests might find it interminable.


Powers  &8^]

acicularis

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #27 on: April 08, 2015, 09:33:08 AM »
DF thinks it's rather rude of anyone to try and criticize the length of someone's wedding ceremony and I'm rather inclined to agree.

Yes, it is rude. Tell her you are not going to change your mind on this, and that anyone who is really bothered doesn't have to come. Every time it comes up, just say "We've already talked about this."

I'm not religious at all, and I've survived long weddings. It didn't occur to me to feel put out by it. A wedding isn't just about the fun party afterwards. If people thought I was important enough to them to invite to the wedding, the least I could do was try to appreciate the ceremony as best as I could, or at least put a polite smile on my face and wait for it to be done.

AfleetAlex

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2015, 09:38:07 AM »
(For a bit of humor...)

Does the Mass include Communion? If so, you should tell your mom, "Relax, you'll get a snack partway through, so you won't starve."  ;D

Okay, don't really do that, of course!
I have a chronic case of foot-in-mouth disease.

cattlekid

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Re: I'm being asked to make the ceremony shorter?
« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2015, 09:50:36 AM »
I had a similar situation with our wedding.  We got married in DH's church, which has ceremonies upwards of 90 minutes, it just depends on how long the priest wants to talk after the ceremony itself is technically over.  Adding in the fact that the ceremony wasn't 100% in English and is *no* clapping in church, and I knew that my family was going to have some issues with it.  I enlisted my parents and a couple of other close family members to pass the word around that this wasn't going to be a normal family wedding.  I got a couple of bemused comments afterwards about the length of the ceremony, but the drinks and dinner afterwards seemed to mellow everyone out.   ::)

90 minutes strikes me as extraordinarily long. It's a big demand on your guests' time to sit through such a ceremony filled with religious details they may not share and ceremonial rituals they are merely observing rather than participating in. I'm sure for you, the participants, it will seem to go quickly, but some of your guests might find it interminable.


Powers  &8^]