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Author Topic: Politely ignoring an admirer?  (Read 13862 times)

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EllenS

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Re: Politely ignoring an admirer?
« Reply #60 on: April 30, 2015, 03:41:21 PM »
It is pretty clear that the OP and this person are not a good match.

However, describing the phrase "You're really hard to stop and talk to!"  as a bit of an attack or "negging" is way over the top.  It is entirely possible not to like the phrase without casting aspersions on the person using it.  The subtext may not be, "So you should stop and talk to me next time you see me, because I want you to.", in fact another version would be, "I've been trying to run into you and say hello, but you're never around."

I have the same reaction to that phrasing. The fault is mine for not being around. The underlying assumption is that I -should- be around, and that would solve the problem. Why not, "I keep missing you"?

Because most people don't think about it that hard?

TurtleDove

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Re: Politely ignoring an admirer?
« Reply #61 on: April 30, 2015, 03:43:11 PM »
It is pretty clear that the OP and this person are not a good match.

However, describing the phrase "You're really hard to stop and talk to!"  as a bit of an attack or "negging" is way over the top.  It is entirely possible not to like the phrase without casting aspersions on the person using it.  The subtext may not be, "So you should stop and talk to me next time you see me, because I want you to.", in fact another version would be, "I've been trying to run into you and say hello, but you're never around."

I have the same reaction to that phrasing. The fault is mine for not being around. The underlying assumption is that I -should- be around, and that would solve the problem. Why not, "I keep missing you"?

I don't think the guy is making any underlying assumption or assertion at all.  He is expressing that he wants to talk to the OP.  He is not "faulting" the OP. He is using a pretty common way of speaking to convey interest in speaking with the OP.

I agree that the OP and this guy are not likely compatible.  That doesn't make the guy's choice of words creepy or inappropriate.

Edited: or what EllenS said.

DavidH

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Re: Politely ignoring an admirer?
« Reply #62 on: April 30, 2015, 03:48:26 PM »
I get it, you dislike the phrase.  You are fully entitled to dislike any phrase.  In casual conversation, one might be equally likely to say "I keep missing you" vs. "You're really hard to stop and talk to".  They are pretty much equivalent.  If I were determined to parse the phrases, I'd say that he didn't use the phrase, "I keep missing you", because he doesn't miss her,

I could go further and say he is taking ownership of the problem and is confessing to her that he is unable to come up with a way to casually encounter her and begin a conversation, hence the phrase, "you're really hard to stop and talk to".  He is also making the point that he has been able to find ways to casually encounter others and begin conversations with them, through the use of the work really to imply a comparison with other people. 

We could probably take this line of reasoning to an even more ludicrous level if we tried, but the point I'm trying to make is that it is a simple and relatively common phrase, so to categorize it as an attack or neggin is just too much.   

bah12

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Re: Politely ignoring an admirer?
« Reply #63 on: April 30, 2015, 04:33:01 PM »
It is pretty clear that the OP and this person are not a good match.

However, describing the phrase "You're really hard to stop and talk to!"  as a bit of an attack or "negging" is way over the top.  It is entirely possible not to like the phrase without casting aspersions on the person using it.  The subtext may not be, "So you should stop and talk to me next time you see me, because I want you to.", in fact another version would be, "I've been trying to run into you and say hello, but you're never around."

I have the same reaction to that phrasing. The fault is mine for not being around. The underlying assumption is that I -should- be around, and that would solve the problem. Why not, "I keep missing you"?

Why is this any better?  If we are going to nitpick phrases apart, then why wouldn't someone else take "I keep missing you" completely wrong too?  "how can a stranger 'miss' me?" "Now he's implying that he's actively trying to find me. How creepy and stalkerish." and even. "The underlying context is that he shouldn't be missing me and I need to make myself available so that he doesn't miss me." 

The point is that perfect phrases that can't be misintrepreted in some negative way by someone just don't exist.  If the OP was attracted to this guy and wanted to meet him, chances are she would not have been turned off by the phrase "you are hard to stop and talk to".  But the fact that she has general anxiety over guys who are expressing romantic interest in her coupled with not being into him in general, the phrase was a turn off.  And that's ok.  But that doesn't mean he meant anything sinister with it.  She just doesn't like it.  Neither do you.  That's allowed.   

cass2591

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Re: Politely ignoring an admirer?
« Reply #64 on: April 30, 2015, 05:05:46 PM »
The merry go round is locked. The OP should be coolly polite to the gentleman and if he escalates behavior that she is uncomfortable with, find someone you can confide in and ask them if you're overreacting. The guy is interested; he doesn't know you and maybe just as socially awkward as you are.

Be honest and tell him that you're not interested. Or just don't engage beyond the very basic societal niceties, as in "hi." and keep going. He'll get the message, loud and clear.

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