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Author Topic: Is this forgivable or completely awful?  (Read 15832 times)

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goldilocks

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Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« on: April 29, 2015, 03:51:54 PM »
My DD is the MOH for her best friend.  Wedding is in 4 weeks. 

DD's husband is a groomsman.   He and the groom are not close, but they needed more "numbers".   SIL did agree to this months ago.

Well, at current time, DD has not been able to work for 2 months due to medical issues.   They cannot afford the tux ($250 USD).   Now, I'd be willing to get the tux for him, but SIL found out that he also has the opportunity to work that weekend and make quite a bit of money.  That cannot be rescheduled.   If he doesn't work that weekend, someone else will.

What do you think?   Should he just bite the bullet and go ahead or drop out?

EllenS

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2015, 03:59:08 PM »
My DD is the MOH for her best friend.  Wedding is in 4 weeks. 

DD's husband is a groomsman.   He and the groom are not close, but they needed more "numbers".   SIL did agree to this months ago.

Well, at current time, DD has not been able to work for 2 months due to medical issues.   They cannot afford the tux ($250 USD).   Now, I'd be willing to get the tux for him, but SIL found out that he also has the opportunity to work that weekend and make quite a bit of money.  That cannot be rescheduled.   If he doesn't work that weekend, someone else will.

What do you think?   Should he just bite the bullet and go ahead or drop out?

I think he should drop out, with honesty and apologies. No good friend would want a friend who's struggling financially to drop $250 they don't have and miss out on a much-needed opportunity.  4 weeks is not last minute, and no wedding was ever "ruined" by being one groomsman short.

Whether SIL's friend will take a reasonable view is anybody's guess. But if she doesn't, I think it reflects badly on her character, not on your DD and her DH.

lmyrs

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2015, 04:02:43 PM »
It's pretty poor form to bail on something for a non-mandatory better offer. That he's bailing on a wedding where he's an attendant is even worse. That it's for work does not make it better IMO. If he didn't want to be a groomsman, the time to say so was when he was asked. Not months later, with less than one month until the wedding.

EllenS

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2015, 04:06:22 PM »
It's pretty poor form to bail on something for a non-mandatory better offer. That he's bailing on a wedding where he's an attendant is even worse. That it's for work does not make it better IMO. If he didn't want to be a groomsman, the time to say so was when he was asked. Not months later, with less than one month until the wedding.

You're right on the principle of the better offer and the personal vs. work priorities.  However, I think the fact that DD's medical issues and disability placed them in financial hardship after he accepted, makes this an unforseeable, changed situation. 

TurtleDove

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2015, 04:16:17 PM »
Is there some reason the DH cannot work aside from the time he is standing up in the wedding?  Is it a destination wedding?  What time of day?  Is it an unusually long ceremony?

I think DH can justify dropping out for any reason or no reason at all, and I think a good friend should be understanding, but that doesn't mean that dropping out would not have consequences.  I don't think there is any blanket "the HC should be fine with DH dropping out" or "the DH is awful for dropping out."  It really depends on the specifics of the people involved.

If I were the DH, I would just make the decision (whichever it is) and know that there may be consequences.  Depending on the relationships, I might ask the HC how dropping out of the wedding party would affect them and whether there is any compromise that could make everyone as happy as possible with the situation.

Specky

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2015, 04:18:57 PM »
If it was my wedding and a friend or family member was in such a situation, I would rather they drop out and take care of themselves vs spending unnecessary money that they could use to help themselves.  I would rather they drop out and take the opportunity to put themselves in a better financial situation by working.  I can rearrange my wedding party quite easily. I believe that there are situations that trump standard etiquette "rules."

goldilocks

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2015, 04:27:13 PM »
Is there some reason the DH cannot work aside from the time he is standing up in the wedding?  Is it a destination wedding?  What time of day?  Is it an unusually long ceremony?

I think DH can justify dropping out for any reason or no reason at all, and I think a good friend should be understanding, but that doesn't mean that dropping out would not have consequences.  I don't think there is any blanket "the HC should be fine with DH dropping out" or "the DH is awful for dropping out."  It really depends on the specifics of the people involved.

If I were the DH, I would just make the decision (whichever it is) and know that there may be consequences.  Depending on the relationships, I might ask the HC how dropping out of the wedding party would affect them and whether there is any compromise that could make everyone as happy as possible with the situation.
The time of day makes it impossible to do both.

NFPwife

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #7 on: April 29, 2015, 04:28:59 PM »
If it was my wedding and a friend or family member was in such a situation, I would rather they drop out and take care of themselves vs spending unnecessary money that they could use to help themselves.  I would rather they drop out and take the opportunity to put themselves in a better financial situation by working.  I can rearrange my wedding party quite easily. I believe that there are situations that trump standard etiquette "rules."

Me too. IMO, not only does safety trump etiquette, basic needs do too. I would be upset if he didn't drop out.

Jones

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #8 on: April 29, 2015, 04:33:23 PM »
This sounds like a need, not a want. He needs to drop out now to give the B&G plenty of warning. If they are real friends they will understand.
A real desire to believe all the good you can of others and to make others as comfortable as you can will solve most of the problems. CS Lewis

EllenS

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #9 on: April 29, 2015, 04:40:16 PM »
Is there some reason the DH cannot work aside from the time he is standing up in the wedding?  Is it a destination wedding?  What time of day?  Is it an unusually long ceremony?

I think DH can justify dropping out for any reason or no reason at all, and I think a good friend should be understanding, but that doesn't mean that dropping out would not have consequences.  I don't think there is any blanket "the HC should be fine with DH dropping out" or "the DH is awful for dropping out."  It really depends on the specifics of the people involved.

If I were the DH, I would just make the decision (whichever it is) and know that there may be consequences.  Depending on the relationships, I might ask the HC how dropping out of the wedding party would affect them and whether there is any compromise that could make everyone as happy as possible with the situation.

I agree with TD that approaching it in a cooperative spirit is going to make it more palatable, even if it isn't fixable.

And the dynamics of the situation do make a difference.  However, if someone is a dear enough friend to be a bridesmaid, and is so seriously ill that she's been unable to work for two months, I think it would be quite petty to get upset that her husband chooses to help his family's financial problems, instead of "make up numbers". Speaking for myself, any "consequences" that might occur in a scenario like that would be a sign of a friendship ripe for cooling off anyhow.

If the groom were his brother, or a close personal friend, I can understand him feeling torn. But when he's already been told he is a prop? I don't see a lot of conflict there. His first obligation is to his own household.

Lynn2000

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #10 on: April 29, 2015, 05:02:34 PM »
I agree with TD that approaching it in a cooperative spirit is going to make it more palatable, even if it isn't fixable.

And the dynamics of the situation do make a difference.  However, if someone is a dear enough friend to be a bridesmaid, and is so seriously ill that she's been unable to work for two months, I think it would be quite petty to get upset that her husband chooses to help his family's financial problems, instead of "make up numbers". Speaking for myself, any "consequences" that might occur in a scenario like that would be a sign of a friendship ripe for cooling off anyhow.

If the groom were his brother, or a close personal friend, I can understand him feeling torn. But when he's already been told he is a prop? I don't see a lot of conflict there. His first obligation is to his own household.

POD to this. Given the medical issues that led to financial strain (which occurred after the agreement to be in the wedding party), I think DH has a reasonable out. But, just because some etiquette site says he's okay, doesn't mean there won't be friendship fallout. I mean, I hope they would see it as EllenS describes, that this is something a dear friend-couple need to do for their basic stability, that couldn't have been predicted when they made the wedding party commitment, and thus don't get too upset.

On the other hand, someone who would make it known that DH has just been asked to "top up" the wedding party, because having an exactly even wedding party is crucial to them, may not be so reasonable about this. I would suggest DD watch her friend's reaction very closely, to see where her priorities are.

I think approaching it in a collaborative spirit is good and could help it go down more smoothly; however, this sounds like too important a decision to really be swayed by group opinion, as in a true collaboration. What I mean is, DH could say, "Hey, this issue came up, and I'm wondering how you feel about it." Then listen. And no matter what they say, DH responds, "Yeah, it stinks, but given our situation, I really can't pass up this work opportunity. I'm sorry to drop out, but I'll have to."

I think that would go over much better than DH walking in and announcing, "I'm dropping out. A work thing came up." But what I would worry about is, DH says he's dropping out, the HC throws a fit, DH changes his mind to appease them, and then is resentful and the friendship fizzles and the work opportunity is lost, so nobody wins long-term. DH might go in to the conversation appearing as if he's open to their thoughts, but I think he should have made his decision already and stick to it.
~Lynn2000

Hmmmmm

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #11 on: April 29, 2015, 05:06:17 PM »
From a strict etiquette point of view I would say it was awful to drop out.

However, this is the bride's best friend and her husband. I think it is perfectly fine for your DD to call the bride and give her the gist of what is going on and would she be terribly upset if she had unequal numbers. I'm pretty sure the bride will elect the practicality of the need to work over having equal number of attendants.

Mergatroyd

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #12 on: April 29, 2015, 08:14:07 PM »
I'm confused, if this is your DD and her DH, and her BFF's wedding, then what does the SIL have to do with anything?

Hmmmmm

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #13 on: April 29, 2015, 08:16:30 PM »
I'm confused, if this is your DD and her DH, and her BFF's wedding, then what does the SIL have to do with anything?
OP is using SIL as son in law, same person as DD's husband.

gramma dishes

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #14 on: April 29, 2015, 08:44:13 PM »
If the bride and groom are truly friends, they'll understand that circumstances have changed since the initial agreement to be in the wedding party.  If they care about your DD and her husband at all, they would feel much more comfortable with your DD's husband doing what he needs to do to help them stay financially solvent.

If they insist that Son-in-law stick to his agreement, I predict a real breaking of the bonds of this friendship very quickly even if SIL does pony up the cash for the tux and takes the day off the potential work to be a participant in this wedding.  That will be the end of the friendship, so what will have been accomplished?  Nothing other than for your DD's family being out an extra $250 + whatever money he'd have earned.

I'd say tell them (the bride and groom) the truth and express sincere regrets.  If they're really friends, they'll be fine with it.  If not, then nothing will have been lost in the long run.