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Author Topic: Is this forgivable or completely awful?  (Read 15831 times)

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Calypso

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #15 on: April 29, 2015, 11:30:41 PM »
It would be unforgivable and completely awful if the groom didn't come because he had a chance to grab a day's work.  ;D  For a groomsman to choose desperately needed work over playing a minor role in a wedding....sorry, no contest.  Apologize sincerely, but take that day's work with no guilt whatsoever.

But I wouldn't be surprised if the bride, and perhaps even the groom, throw a hissy fit. And that's just too darn bad. If either of them try to pull the "but you'll ruin my special daaaay!", privately roll your eyes and feel sorry that they have no sense of proportion.

Harriet Jones

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #16 on: April 30, 2015, 05:38:34 AM »
As an aside, $250 for a rental tux? Yikes!

Runningstar

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #17 on: April 30, 2015, 06:01:32 AM »
If the bride does accept this graciously and continues on with the friendship - cherish her.  This is forgivable, but not an easy situation. 

peaches

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #18 on: April 30, 2015, 06:27:16 AM »
As an aside, $250 for a rental tux? Yikes!

That's what I was thinking. Where I live, 100 - 150 would be normal. 

What's going to make this awkward and difficult is that DD is MOH. If this causes bad feeling between the two couples, it's going to be a tense wedding.

I'm going to be honest and say that I'd keep the commitment if I could.  It is going to be a challenge to replace a groomsman at this point, as well as stressful for the bride and groom. And it means someone else has to come up with 250.

If the couple really cannot do this, they need to say so right away. I do sympathize with them and their situation.

Hillia

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #19 on: April 30, 2015, 07:30:50 AM »
DD is still planning to be MOH, right?  Then I have to agree that the groomsman, who is there only to be a prop, is ok to back out immediately with profuse apologies.  I can't imagine demanding that anyone, even a friendly acquaintance, miss out on much needed work so that my photos will be balanced.  That, to me, would be the height of selfishness.  Groomsmen don't have much of a role beyond the decorative; if this were the best man it might be different.

Margo

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #20 on: April 30, 2015, 08:44:49 AM »
I agree that in the circumstances it would be best of him to be upfront about it, including the fact that in light of the financial strain DDs illness has placed on them he cannot pass up the chance of work.

If having uneven numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen is a real issue for the bride DD could offer to stand down if the bride wants her to.

EllenS

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #21 on: April 30, 2015, 08:48:29 AM »
In my mind, there's also the fact that DD is going through with being MOH after recently being so ill that she was unable to work for two months.  I don't know what that entailed (dont' need to) or how quickly she recovered, but man.  That is very sick. 

If my BFF were that sick, I'd be checking to see if she really felt up to all this MOH business (and if the tux rental is $250, can you imagine what they are shelling out for her MOH related duties??) I'd give her complete permission to back out for the sake of her health, if she needed to.

When you look at the total picture of what this couple is doing to support the bride and groom, I can't imagine a reasonable adult feeling betrayed because a "filler" groomsman couldn't make it.

auntmeegs

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #22 on: April 30, 2015, 08:50:12 AM »
I have abosolutely no patience for couples that add people to the wedding party just to have even numbers, so that might be coloring my view on this, but I would definitely give your SIL a pass on this.  They need the money. 

goldilocks

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #23 on: April 30, 2015, 08:52:41 AM »
In my mind, there's also the fact that DD is going through with being MOH after recently being so ill that she was unable to work for two months.  I don't know what that entailed (dont' need to) or how quickly she recovered, but man.  That is very sick. 

If my BFF were that sick, I'd be checking to see if she really felt up to all this MOH business (and if the tux rental is $250, can you imagine what they are shelling out for her MOH related duties??) I'd give her complete permission to back out for the sake of her health, if she needed to.

When you look at the total picture of what this couple is doing to support the bride and groom, I can't imagine a reasonable adult feeling betrayed because a "filler" groomsman couldn't make it.

Her issues are pregnancy related.   Right now she feels fine and may be able to go back to work, but she is at 32 weeks now.   So yes, there is a possibility she won't be at the wedding either!   Fortunately most of her costs were paid quite some time  ago.       

lowspark

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #24 on: April 30, 2015, 09:24:33 AM »
I agree with TD that approaching it in a cooperative spirit is going to make it more palatable, even if it isn't fixable.

And the dynamics of the situation do make a difference.  However, if someone is a dear enough friend to be a bridesmaid, and is so seriously ill that she's been unable to work for two months, I think it would be quite petty to get upset that her husband chooses to help his family's financial problems, instead of "make up numbers". Speaking for myself, any "consequences" that might occur in a scenario like that would be a sign of a friendship ripe for cooling off anyhow.

If the groom were his brother, or a close personal friend, I can understand him feeling torn. But when he's already been told he is a prop? I don't see a lot of conflict there. His first obligation is to his own household.

POD to this. Given the medical issues that led to financial strain (which occurred after the agreement to be in the wedding party), I think DH has a reasonable out. But, just because some etiquette site says he's okay, doesn't mean there won't be friendship fallout. I mean, I hope they would see it as EllenS describes, that this is something a dear friend-couple need to do for their basic stability, that couldn't have been predicted when they made the wedding party commitment, and thus don't get too upset.

On the other hand, someone who would make it known that DH has just been asked to "top up" the wedding party, because having an exactly even wedding party is crucial to them, may not be so reasonable about this. I would suggest DD watch her friend's reaction very closely, to see where her priorities are.

I think approaching it in a collaborative spirit is good and could help it go down more smoothly; however, this sounds like too important a decision to really be swayed by group opinion, as in a true collaboration. What I mean is, DH could say, "Hey, this issue came up, and I'm wondering how you feel about it." Then listen. And no matter what they say, DH responds, "Yeah, it stinks, but given our situation, I really can't pass up this work opportunity. I'm sorry to drop out, but I'll have to."

I think that would go over much better than DH walking in and announcing, "I'm dropping out. A work thing came up." But what I would worry about is, DH says he's dropping out, the HC throws a fit, DH changes his mind to appease them, and then is resentful and the friendship fizzles and the work opportunity is lost, so nobody wins long-term. DH might go in to the conversation appearing as if he's open to their thoughts, but I think he should have made his decision already and stick to it.

I agree with everything Lynn wrote here, particularly the bolded as a way to approach this.

My first reaction when I read the OP is that he made the commitment and needs to be there. But as I read on and really considered the situation, I was swayed in the opposite direction. Considering this, I would be fully prepared for the HC to not take this news well. At least initially, I would be prepared for major fallout. So after dropping the bomb, so to speak, I would just say something to the effect that you totally understand their feelings if they are disappointed and angry and the importance of the day for them and hope that they will come to understand your situation and position and forgive your unavoidable action.
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EllenS

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #25 on: April 30, 2015, 09:52:18 AM »
In my mind, there's also the fact that DD is going through with being MOH after recently being so ill that she was unable to work for two months.  I don't know what that entailed (dont' need to) or how quickly she recovered, but man.  That is very sick. 

If my BFF were that sick, I'd be checking to see if she really felt up to all this MOH business (and if the tux rental is $250, can you imagine what they are shelling out for her MOH related duties??) I'd give her complete permission to back out for the sake of her health, if she needed to.

When you look at the total picture of what this couple is doing to support the bride and groom, I can't imagine a reasonable adult feeling betrayed because a "filler" groomsman couldn't make it.

Her issues are pregnancy related.   Right now she feels fine and may be able to go back to work, but she is at 32 weeks now.   So yes, there is a possibility she won't be at the wedding either!   Fortunately most of her costs were paid quite some time  ago.     

Well, how is the bride dealing with that reality?  Has she made "hurt" noises about the chance that DD might be in labor or recovery, or just generally incapacitated?  And, let's look at the whole picture -- SIL may in fact miss both work and the wedding, if he needs to be there for DD.  How are the HC taking that?

TootsNYC

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #26 on: April 30, 2015, 10:17:58 AM »

Her issues are pregnancy related.   Right now she feels fine and may be able to go back to work, but she is at 32 weeks now.   So yes, there is a possibility she won't be at the wedding either!   Fortunately most of her costs were paid quite some time  ago.     

Well, how is the bride dealing with that reality?  Has she made "hurt" noises about the chance that DD might be in labor or recovery, or just generally incapacitated?  And, let's look at the whole picture -- SIL may in fact miss both work and the wedding, if he needs to be there for DD.  How are the HC taking that?


EllenS has a good point, I think. The couple's reaction to her DD's situation will indicate what sort of people they are. And that should indicate what the best approach is.

Also, there are ways to soften the blow, by being extra helpful here or there in the lead-up. Maybe the son-in-law can offer to take care of something stressful for the couple, something he might not have ordinarily done. Maybe he can be the "return the tuxes on Monday" guy, or something, so that it becomes a reshuffling of assistance instead of completely dropping out.


Pooky582

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #27 on: April 30, 2015, 11:07:17 AM »
This probably doesn't matter seeing as how they already thought it was appropriate to add someone just to have the correct numbers, but him bowing out as a groomsman should be less of a blow to true friends. Like others have said, he was added for no other reason, so I wouldn't feel a strong obligation to choose the wedding over desperately needed work.   But seeing as they believe that must have even numbers, I have a feeling it won't be taken well.  If these friends believe it is unforgivable to put his family and livelihood first, they probably aren't friends I'd want to have, anyway.  If they guilt him into missing work and going through with the wedding, he will be resentful and miserable that day, anyway. It won't make for a happy day for anyone.

I am getting married next month, and my fiancÚ agonized over who to add as groomsmen because I was having four bridesmaids. I finally convinced him that it was perfectly acceptable to have four on my side and two on his. I'd rather have uneven sides than props in what should be one of the most special day of our lives.

lowspark

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #28 on: April 30, 2015, 12:55:14 PM »
I don't think we should jump the gun and be too critical of this couple for asking the husband as a groomsman for the numbers. Some people think you're "supposed to" have even sides. I know that can sound silly but I often see questions here like that about what you're "supposed to" do as if there is some kind of "wedding police" (or whatever) who are going to fine you if you don't follow some arbitrary rule. It's not that out of the ordinary to blindly follow some perceived norm without actually thinking it through.

In addition, it could easily be the HC's intent to make the husband feel more welcome or more part of the inner circle. After all, his wife is going to be in the wedding and under normal circumstances, he would be sitting without her during the ceremony, and possibly during the reception as well.

My point is that yes, the HC could be the stomp-your-foot-everything-has-to-be-just-so types, but there could also be lots of other reasons why they asked him to even out their numbers. So until the OP's DD approaches them with the situation, there's no telling how they will react.

As I said above, I'd be prepared for at least a somewhat bad reaction just because they are going to be taken by surprise and this is their wedding so a very important day for them. But given time to recover, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt here and predict that they will understand and deal with it.

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HannahGrace

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #29 on: April 30, 2015, 01:07:06 PM »
I don't think we should jump the gun and be too critical of this couple for asking the husband as a groomsman for the numbers. Some people think you're "supposed to" have even sides. I know that can sound silly but I often see questions here like that about what you're "supposed to" do as if there is some kind of "wedding police" (or whatever) who are going to fine you if you don't follow some arbitrary rule. It's not that out of the ordinary to blindly follow some perceived norm without actually thinking it through.

In addition, it could easily be the HC's intent to make the husband feel more welcome or more part of the inner circle. After all, his wife is going to be in the wedding and under normal circumstances, he would be sitting without her during the ceremony, and possibly during the reception as well.

My point is that yes, the HC could be the stomp-your-foot-everything-has-to-be-just-so types, but there could also be lots of other reasons why they asked him to even out their numbers. So until the OP's DD approaches them with the situation, there's no telling how they will react.

As I said above, I'd be prepared for at least a somewhat bad reaction just because they are going to be taken by surprise and this is their wedding so a very important day for them. But given time to recover, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt here and predict that they will understand and deal with it.

I agree with this 100%.  Also, having spent time on wedding forums, there are people who get really offended if they are asked to be in a wedding party and their spouse is not, so there may have been other factors that led the couple to ask the husband to be a groomsman.

I know I was a crazy person in the few weeks before my wedding, so they may well have an initial response that is not the best, but I see no reason not to give them the benefit of the doubt that they will understand the situation.  After all, this is your daughter's best friend who presumably knows that she is going through a really tough time.  I didn't have attendants, but if my own brother (who walked me down the aisle) was in a rough space and had a conflict with my wedding, I would have wanted him to do what was right for his family versus prioritizing one event in my life.