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Author Topic: Is this forgivable or completely awful?  (Read 15830 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #45 on: May 06, 2015, 01:01:26 PM »
Quote
At any rate I think the guy who's going to drop out, needs to let the couple know ASAP, so they have a shot at replacing him if necessary. Worse than "he dropped out on us" would be, "he dropped out on us at the last minute and completely ruined the look we'd been working on for months."

Or, they can make their case, etc., and the guy can decide to not drop out after all.

Lynn2000

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #46 on: May 06, 2015, 01:13:25 PM »
Quote
At any rate I think the guy who's going to drop out, needs to let the couple know ASAP, so they have a shot at replacing him if necessary. Worse than "he dropped out on us" would be, "he dropped out on us at the last minute and completely ruined the look we'd been working on for months."

Or, they can make their case, etc., and the guy can decide to not drop out after all.

Given what the OP described, I think it would actually be pretty foolish of this guy to stay in the wedding party. That would have to be a heck of a case they made, that would make him feel okay about missing an opportunity to make some money for his family, to make up for what they'd lost due to medical issues, and additionally spend quite a bit of money--that he wouldn't ever feel resentment about it, or like he'd made the wrong choice.

It ties into what gellchom's been saying--not everybody, not even all reasonable people, are going to see the necessity of him dropping out (at least, not at first), and there's a right way and a wrong way for him to approach it; but for me, given the OP's description, I think it would be pretty ridiculous for him to allow himself to be persuaded to stay. I wouldn't be too pleased about that as his wife, either--if he decided to stay in the wedding, it should be a joint household decision, as it affects the entire household significantly, and not just because he gave in to persuasion from the HC.
~Lynn2000

gellchom

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #47 on: May 06, 2015, 02:24:57 PM »
There's context we don't know, too.  I'm thinking of the other attendants.  Maybe some of them are in similarly tight (or even tighter) financial situations, too, and can ill afford to rent that tuxedo/buy a dress, and maybe some of them also have to pass up extra shifts or even take off work or pay for expensive travel but are making the sacrifice.

That still wouldn't mean he shouldn't drop out.  But if the other attendants are in even somewhat comparable circumstances, that's something to consider as well, if not in the ultimate decision, then in how it is presented to them, too, not just the HC.

Mary Lennox

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #48 on: May 06, 2015, 02:35:07 PM »
There's context we don't know, too.  I'm thinking of the other attendants.  Maybe some of them are in similarly tight (or even tighter) financial situations, too, and can ill afford to rent that tuxedo/buy a dress, and maybe some of them also have to pass up extra shifts or even take off work or pay for expensive travel but are making the sacrifice.

That still wouldn't mean he shouldn't drop out.  But if the other attendants are in even somewhat comparable circumstances, that's something to consider as well, if not in the ultimate decision, then in how it is presented to them, too, not just the HC.

But are the others there just to make up numbers like he is?

OP, has he decided what he's going to do? There's only 3 weeks until the wedding.

Winterlight

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #49 on: May 06, 2015, 05:16:49 PM »
I don't think we should jump the gun and be too critical of this couple for asking the husband as a groomsman for the numbers. Some people think you're "supposed to" have even sides. I know that can sound silly but I often see questions here like that about what you're "supposed to" do as if there is some kind of "wedding police" (or whatever) who are going to fine you if you don't follow some arbitrary rule. It's not that out of the ordinary to blindly follow some perceived norm without actually thinking it through.

In addition, it could easily be the HC's intent to make the husband feel more welcome or more part of the inner circle. After all, his wife is going to be in the wedding and under normal circumstances, he would be sitting without her during the ceremony, and possibly during the reception as well.

My point is that yes, the HC could be the stomp-your-foot-everything-has-to-be-just-so types, but there could also be lots of other reasons why they asked him to even out their numbers. So until the OP's DD approaches them with the situation, there's no telling how they will react.

As I said above, I'd be prepared for at least a somewhat bad reaction just because they are going to be taken by surprise and this is their wedding so a very important day for them. But given time to recover, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt here and predict that they will understand and deal with it.

I agree with this. We don't yet know if the HC is a reasonable pair who were simply given bad advice or if they are going to be horrible.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

snappylt

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #50 on: May 06, 2015, 06:24:11 PM »
$250 to rent a tux? That seems excessive to me. I've seen them starting at $60US. $180US would be very high in most places. I could buy a used tux in good condition for $250.

Yes... one of my young adult sons rented a tux earlier this year, and unfortunately it was the top of the line model and was about $250 plus tax. The rental for the various styles ranged from about $140 to about $250  at the store my son used.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2015, 06:41:15 PM by snappylt »

snappylt

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #51 on: May 06, 2015, 06:40:41 PM »
This is an interesting question to me because I find myself with very mixed emotions.

On the one hand I usually believe that it best to honor one's commitments if at all possible.

It sounds like it would be possible for the groomsman to honor his commitment, because  the OP (the groomsman's MIL, right?) has offered to rent his tux for him because of his financial difficulties. In the spirit of living up to one's commitments, I think it would be very honorable for the groomsman to accept the help from the OP and keep his promise to be a groomsman.

I can understand that the difficult pregnancy of the groomsman's wife (the OP's daughter, right?) has left them in a money bind, and I can imagine how much more he wants to work that day and earn money to support his wife and soon-to-be-born child. And it is certainly honorable to want to support a wife and child. So, if I were the groom, I myself would forgive the groomsman if he dropped out of my wedding.

I don't know; I'm leaning toward thinking that one should keep one's promises like this if at all possible... but I can see the other side, too.

I do think the posters who have pointed out that this is likely to be a very big deal for the bride have good points. The groomsman pulling out may possibly be a friendship-changer (or killer) for the bride and the groomsman's wife.

Good luck!  (Come back and tell us how it all works out, please.)

Aeris

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #52 on: May 06, 2015, 11:15:46 PM »
There's context we don't know, too.  I'm thinking of the other attendants.  Maybe some of them are in similarly tight (or even tighter) financial situations, too, and can ill afford to rent that tuxedo/buy a dress, and maybe some of them also have to pass up extra shifts or even take off work or pay for expensive travel but are making the sacrifice.

That still wouldn't mean he shouldn't drop out.  But if the other attendants are in even somewhat comparable circumstances, that's something to consider as well, if not in the ultimate decision, then in how it is presented to them, too, not just the HC.

I'll agree that this should temper how one breaks the news to the HC, but I can't get behind the idea that this should have any bearing whatsoever on the decision-making process for the groomsman.

The sacrifices that the other wedding party members have chosen to take on for themselves are not relevant to whether the groomsman should take on the same, or similar, sacrifices. To take it to a ridiculous extreme, some other groomsman may be foregoing his rent payments and risking eviction - that doesn't mean the OP's SIL should do the same.

goldilocks

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #53 on: May 07, 2015, 08:25:54 AM »
OP here.

He's dropped out.   Bride was upset at first but has gotten over it.  Now she is on a rampage about RSVPs.   Wedding is in 2 weeks.   

relationship between bride and DD (who is MOH) is somewhat strained at the moment, but they've been friends since grade school and have had ups and downs before.   Of course, this is not helped by the brides extreme case of nerves.   To add to the situation, the reception venue went under about 3 weeks ago, and they've had to scramble to find a new venue.

TurtleDove

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #54 on: May 07, 2015, 09:05:09 AM »
OP here.

He's dropped out.   Bride was upset at first but has gotten over it.  Now she is on a rampage about RSVPs.   Wedding is in 2 weeks.   

relationship between bride and DD (who is MOH) is somewhat strained at the moment, but they've been friends since grade school and have had ups and downs before.   Of course, this is not helped by the brides extreme case of nerves.   To add to the situation, the reception venue went under about 3 weeks ago, and they've had to scramble to find a new venue.

Sounds like a lot of stress!  I am surprised the DH hadn't already gotten his tux fitted and ordered with the wedding in two weeks!

Lynn2000

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #55 on: May 07, 2015, 09:48:18 AM »
Thanks for the update. I think he made the right decision overall. It will probably be hard to tell what the fallout is until after the wedding hoopla is over--the bride has a lot on her mind right now and may just be trying to get through it. Seriously, trying to find a new reception venue just a few weeks before your wedding?! A missing groomsman probably seems minor compared to that!

I agree with someone's earlier idea that if the DH could find something else helpful to do for the couple, before or after the wedding, that might go a long way to showing he still cares about the friendship. Sounds like they could use a lot of help right now!
~Lynn2000

gellchom

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Re: Is this forgivable or completely awful?
« Reply #56 on: May 07, 2015, 12:42:41 PM »
Maybe he can offer to help notify all the guests of the new venue or chase down those non-responders that are driving the bride crazy.