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Author Topic: Is there anyone that the HC *should* ask to stand up for them?  (Read 9340 times)

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gellchom

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Re: Is there anyone that the HC *should* ask to stand up for them?
« Reply #30 on: May 07, 2015, 02:57:47 PM »
Quote
I can't remember the last wedding I attended where all the siblings -- and their spouses, if any -- weren't attendants, other than very tiny weddings with no or just 1 attendant and second marriages where the HC's children were the only attendants.  And look how different that is from CakeEater's and Mergatroyd's experiences.

Wait, I think I misunderstood this point initially, but now I've reread it and I need to know: Are you saying that it's normal that every sibling and every sibling in law of the HC are in the wedding party? Doesn't that make for enormous wedding parties? If DH & I had done this it would have been 4 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen just from that group. Before we've asked any of our friends or cousins or whatever. I do not agree that you have to ask every sibling if you ask one, but I can sort of see why someone would think that. But I cannot believe that you also need to ask all of the siblings in law. That seems like a bridge too far for me.

LOL -- that could lead to very big bridal parties, couldn't it!  I guess lately it's been smaller families, or at least few married siblings. 

Anyway, that's why I put in the qualifiers about numbers of siblings and size of bridal party.  The fewer the attendants and the more the siblings, the less odd it would seem.

When it would be a lot of siblings, then people might only have one or none, just a best friend. 

My daughter kind of did the same thing in reverse: she has a very tight group of 5 (including her) longtime girlfriends, and she always "knew" they would be her wedding party someday.  But her husband has 3 sisters, and she has a brother and sister-in-law, and she wanted to include them (her choice).  So she did do what you described -- siblings instead of friends.  She just had 1 of the friends, her MOH.  But those girls (and some others), and none of the siblings (who all live far away), did the bachelorette and other stuff like that.  So now that I think of it, other than the MOH, the group standing up didn't do anything else "attendant-y" like parties or shopping; the friends did all that, even though they weren't standing up during the ceremony. No one wore matching dresses anyway -- in fact, by coincidence, the girlfriends all wore navy gowns; they matched more than the sisters did.  Everyone was seated at the reception the same as they would have been in any case.  Everyone seemed happy with the arrangement.  The friends didn't feel snubbed, because other than MOH it was all family.  It kind of felt throughout the weekend like they were bridesmaids, if you know what I mean.  If she'd had 2 or 3 of the 4 of them, maybe the others would have felt bad.  So that's what I feel about siblings, too -- I'd include either all, or none or perhaps just one.  It's not that different from invitations to groups of guests.

My son's wedding had some friends, too, but included his sister and the bride's 3 sisters and brother-in-law.  I think there were 12 total (2 of her sisters were flower girls).

My point was just that either way the sex of the siblings wouldn't come into it, for me. 

Lynn2000 put it beautifully, as usual: "The Rule (if one exists, which is debatable) is not as important as family dynamics."  And she also makes a very good point that this is something that the bride and groom have to discuss and agree on.

Coloratura

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Re: Is there anyone that the HC *should* ask to stand up for them?
« Reply #31 on: May 10, 2015, 12:20:11 AM »
I found Ehell a few years ago while looking for answers to this very question!

One of my brothers was getting married. He included all of our brothers and his fiancÚ's brother as groomsmen. His bride included her sisters and my sister as bridesmaids. The only sibling left out was...me. I was livid, but learned through Ehell and other places that the HC had a right to include (or not include) whoever they wanted. From an etiquette standpoint, it was proper for me to not make a fuss, so I went to the wedding as a guest and didn't say or do anything to let people know how deeply I was hurt.

Lynn2000

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Re: Is there anyone that the HC *should* ask to stand up for them?
« Reply #32 on: May 10, 2015, 08:49:30 AM »
I found Ehell a few years ago while looking for answers to this very question!

One of my brothers was getting married. He included all of our brothers and his fiancÚ's brother as groomsmen. His bride included her sisters and my sister as bridesmaids. The only sibling left out was...me. I was livid, but learned through Ehell and other places that the HC had a right to include (or not include) whoever they wanted. From an etiquette standpoint, it was proper for me to not make a fuss, so I went to the wedding as a guest and didn't say or do anything to let people know how deeply I was hurt.

I think this illustrates perfectly the point that while an HC may break no etiquette rule in their choice, their choice can still be hurtful to reasonable people. I'm sorry this happened to you!
~Lynn2000

gellchom

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Re: Is there anyone that the HC *should* ask to stand up for them?
« Reply #33 on: May 10, 2015, 11:27:53 AM »
I found Ehell a few years ago while looking for answers to this very question!

One of my brothers was getting married. He included all of our brothers and his fiancÚ's brother as groomsmen. His bride included her sisters and my sister as bridesmaids. The only sibling left out was...me. I was livid, but learned through Ehell and other places that the HC had a right to include (or not include) whoever they wanted. From an etiquette standpoint, it was proper for me to not make a fuss, so I went to the wedding as a guest and didn't say or do anything to let people know how deeply I was hurt.

I think this illustrates perfectly the point that while an HC may break no etiquette rule in their choice, their choice can still be hurtful to reasonable people. I'm sorry this happened to you!

Hurtful and humiliating to the sister, and in my opinion pretty dumb as well as unkind of the bride. What must people have thought of her?  I imagine it was also very awkward for the rest of the siblings.  When my son got engaged, DIL asked my daughter within one hour to be a bridesmaid. I remember thinking that that was really smart of her.

Coloratura

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Re: Is there anyone that the HC *should* ask to stand up for them?
« Reply #34 on: May 10, 2015, 11:42:33 AM »
I found Ehell a few years ago while looking for answers to this very question!

One of my brothers was getting married. He included all of our brothers and his fiancÚ's brother as groomsmen. His bride included her sisters and my sister as bridesmaids. The only sibling left out was...me. I was livid, but learned through Ehell and other places that the HC had a right to include (or not include) whoever they wanted. From an etiquette standpoint, it was proper for me to not make a fuss, so I went to the wedding as a guest and didn't say or do anything to let people know how deeply I was hurt.

I think this illustrates perfectly the point that while an HC may break no etiquette rule in their choice, their choice can still be hurtful to reasonable people. I'm sorry this happened to you!

Hurtful and humiliating to the sister, and in my opinion pretty dumb as well as unkind of the bride. What must people have thought of her?  I imagine it was also very awkward for the rest of the siblings.  When my son got engaged, DIL asked my daughter within one hour to be a bridesmaid. I remember thinking that that was really smart of her.

Thanks to both of you for your understanding! Gellchom, it was definitely smart of your DIL to reach out to her soon-to-be-SIL that way, since it probably set their relationship on a good footing from the beginning.

As hurtful as it was, the choice was more hurtful to my brother and SIL. People gossiped about it at the wedding and reception (ARGH) and assumed that my SIL was acting out of jealousy and that my brother was powerless to stop her. Years later, my SIL told me that she had excluded me because she had assumed that I sided with my mother in a pre-wedding battle that was taking place between my mother and SIL's mother. (I hadn't even known about said battle.)

All that said, I was very glad to learn about this particular etiquette rule, and to begin to see the reasoning behind particular rules.

Arila

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Re: Is there anyone that the HC *should* ask to stand up for them?
« Reply #35 on: May 11, 2015, 02:58:57 PM »
We had a relatively small wedding (less than 40 guests total, including HC and immediate family), so that played partly into the equation, in that I feel as though the wedding party should be only a small percentage of the guests in total, but this could work for others as well.

Rather than have a mushrooming number of attendants have even fewer, as in, just a MOH and best man.

I had my only sister as my maid of honor, and he had his best friend.

Neither his brother nor his sister stood up during the ceremony, but they were given places of honor in other ways:
- His sister and her fiance processed in prior to the ceremony
- His brother was asked to escort my mother in (since my father was walking me)
- All were given specialized immediate family seating, actually facing the guests (we got married "in the round" - family from 11oclock to 1oclock, guests from 2 oclock to 10oclock, HC and officiant in the center)

katycoo

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Re: Is there anyone that the HC *should* ask to stand up for them?
« Reply #36 on: May 16, 2015, 01:25:19 AM »
I think its depends on circumstances. I did not have my 2 SILs  as BM.  I did have my own (only) sister.  I wanted a small bridal party and unless we put one SIL on each side, it would have made things a bit ridiculous.  One SIL did a reading.  the other was an "usher" but she was late sos didn't do much ushering.   We weren't bothered.  On time SIL's husband was alos an usher and he was on time.  Plus Late SIL was really given the role as a token as she is notoriously unreliable so we needed something that wouldn' cause issues if she didn't come through.  Worked out fine.

AS the only sibling I think I might be hurt if my own sister didn't ask me to be her BM.

As a general etiquette issue the only time I think I'd see it as a snub would be the Groom had 5 groomsmen, Bride only had 4 bridesmaids and I was the only sister of the groom.  Then I'd be taking it personally.

Lady Snowdon

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Re: Is there anyone that the HC *should* ask to stand up for them?
« Reply #37 on: May 31, 2015, 09:59:10 PM »
I have no siblings, DH has two sisters.  I did not ask his sisters to be attendants for me - my relationship with his family got off on the wrong foot and still isn't fully repaired, so I did not want that potential tension to be there.  I was also not about to exclude the friend I consider to be a sister!  I did ask one sister to do a reading, and one sang a song, so they were still included, and seemed to be happy with that state of affairs.  I still ended up being pressured to include a younger cousin of DH's in my wedding party, since she'd "always wanted to be in a wedding".  I was fine with agreeing to that, but really found the pressuring and blatant guilt tripping to be horrible of people.