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Author Topic: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136  (Read 43725 times)

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goldilocks

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My niece is getting married in a few weeks.   He brother is part of the wedding party, and also is in the military.

Brother wants to wear his dress uniform instead of a tux.    Bride says no - she wants all men in tuxes.

Well, my family is reacting as if she is committing high treason.   they say she is being disrespectful to the military and that military people should always wear their dress uniforms.

I think they are being ridiculous - let the bride have  what she wants.   It seems like a small thing to argue about.

anyone know of any actual guidelines for this situation?
« Last Edit: June 09, 2015, 09:06:19 AM by goldilocks »

Beyond The Veil

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2015, 08:01:19 AM »
She knew what her brother was like before inviting him and how ingrained the military is into his life. It's like inviting a relative who regularly has tattoo's/piercings/dyed hair and then telling them they have to cover the tattoos or their hair dye or piercings.

It is a small thing to argue about, and he should be allowed to be himself.

ladyknight1

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2015, 08:02:32 AM »
POD Beyond the Veil, the military dress uniform is as formal as a tux. Is he in a particular role in the wedding that he needs to be dressed like the bridal party?
“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

camlan

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2015, 08:05:05 AM »
I see this as the same thing as the bride determining what the bridesmaids wear. Usually, all the bridesmaids match (or coordinate, or whatever). And usually, the groomsmen match.

It was perfectly okay for the brother to ask if he could wear his dress uniform. It is perfectly okay for the bride to say no, please don't, please rent a tux and match the other men in the wedding party.

It has nothing to do with disrespecting his job or the uniform or the military in general.

The bride may be concerned that her brother in his uniform will stand out more in the pictures that the groom. (Just guessing here.)

While the dress uniform can be worn at civilian events where formal dress is worn, it does not *have* to be worn.

(For background, I come from a military family--grandfathers, father, four of my brothers--all of whom wore tuxes or suits at their weddings, not their uniforms.)
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Jones

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2015, 08:28:27 AM »
If I were the bride I'd let him wear the dress uniform. But I was a very laid back bride, and also feel very strongly about soldiers; he earned the right to wear the Blues.

“A real desire to believe all the good you can of others and to make others as comfortable as you can will solve most of the problems.” CS Lewis

goldilocks

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2015, 08:37:16 AM »
POD Beyond the Veil, the military dress uniform is as formal as a tux. Is he in a particular role in the wedding that he needs to be dressed like the bridal party?

He's a groomsmen.

TurtleDove

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2015, 09:03:36 AM »
This is a tough one.  I think the bride should be able to have everyone in tuxes, and I think the brother deserves to wear his dress blues. Neither is wrong for wanting what they want.  If it were me, I would prefer my brother wear his dress blues so it wouldn't be an issue.  Here, though, I think what the bride wants trumps what the brother wants.  Does anyone know the "rules" surrounding dress blues?  Am I correct that it is a permissible thing rather than a mandatory thing to wear them for formal events?

TootsNYC

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2015, 09:15:25 AM »
I asked my brother this question once--he's a Chief Warrant Officer 5 in the U.S. Army who has won awards for military bearing.

He said: "I think the brother was wrong to even ask, actually. But most important--more than anyone, he should understand the important of uniformity of attire."

My military brother's further reasoning:
If he were just a guest, he could wear his dress uniform.

But he has a specific role here, and when he is fulfilling that role, he should wear the uniform appropriate to it. That's a tux.

In the military, he has several uniforms; he wears different ones at different times, depending on what the situation is.  AND: he wears what the other men in his  unit are wearing. This isn't any different.

LadyL

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2015, 09:36:58 AM »
In theory, I'm with the bride - it's one day, brother should compromise. In practice, I married into a military family and to them it is NOT a small thing. I think they would find it disrespectful not just to the military, but to her brother's service and identity to wear a tux instead of dress uniform. I don't really agree with that sort of hard-line mindset, but I'm familiar with it. Bride needs to decide if this is truly a hill to die on.

Another thing - 100 years from now, the military dress might be an important historical thing to document in terms of the family tree. And, bridal party photos can be lovely even if everyone doesn't match. All my bridesmaids wore different dresses within a broad color family (peacock tones) and the photos of them look great, IMHO. Their personalities show through  - one dressed very elegant and classic in a floor length, low back gown, another more playful and flamboyant in a dramatic caftan, and another wore a formal smoking jacket and dress pants because she's not a dress person.

menley

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2015, 09:41:38 AM »
One of the groomsmen in our wedding was a naval officer. We asked if he would be wearing his dress uniform rather than renting a tux; he said "Hell no, I spend enough time in uniform, I want a tux." So as far as I'm aware, it's optional and not mandatory for non-military events.

I think the bride's brother is being a bit of an SS. Why should what he wants to do at his sister's wedding trump what his sister wants at her own wedding? It's not like she's asking him to do anything extraordinary or unreasonable.

peaches

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2015, 09:44:05 AM »
I asked my brother this question once--he's a Chief Warrant Officer 5 in the U.S. Army who has won awards for military bearing.

He said: "I think the brother was wrong to even ask, actually. But most important--more than anyone, he should understand the important of uniformity of attire."

My military brother's further reasoning:
If he were just a guest, he could wear his dress uniform.

But he has a specific role here, and when he is fulfilling that role, he should wear the uniform appropriate to it. That's a tux.

In the military, he has several uniforms; he wears different ones at different times, depending on what the situation is.  AND: he wears what the other men in his  unit are wearing. This isn't any different.

Those are very good points. I especially like the reasoning that clothing should  match the role one is in at the moment.

I would stay out of any family argument about this, though. To me, this is between the bride and her brother.



camlan

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2015, 09:45:57 AM »
This is a tough one.  I think the bride should be able to have everyone in tuxes, and I think the brother deserves to wear his dress blues. Neither is wrong for wanting what they want.  If it were me, I would prefer my brother wear his dress blues so it wouldn't be an issue.  Here, though, I think what the bride wants trumps what the brother wants.  Does anyone know the "rules" surrounding dress blues?  Am I correct that it is a permissible thing rather than a mandatory thing to wear them for formal events?

The dress uniform can be worn at events where civilians wear formal wear. But there is no requirement to wear it. It is a choice.

If the issue is the cost of renting the tux, the bride should step up and pay for the rental. But other than that, I think the brother should follow the dress code for the wedding, which is tuxes for the men.

And a complete Pod to Toots' post.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Hmmmmm

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2015, 09:47:26 AM »
From what I understand, there is no etiquette that states someone in service should wear a dress uniform instead of a tux when they are a groomsman. I've never heard a mandate that military dress should be worn for purely social events that are in no way connected to their service.

I personally would have no issue with military dress uniform being worn by one or more of the groomsmen. But I can see the bride's point. If a groomsman owned formal attire and they requested to wear it instead of the same tux as the other groomsmen, I'd  think it would be within the couple's right to request the standard tux be worn.

But honestly, if this is so important to the family, I just wouldn't create drama over this issue. If seen lots of wedding photos with a single groomsman in military uniform and it looks great. It's not as jarring as if one groomsman was wearing a grey tux while all the others were in standard black.

Mergatroyd

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2015, 09:47:42 AM »
My sister married a military man, he wore his dress uniform, and his groomsmen (who were also all military) wore a different one.

I do think the brother should be allowed to wear his dress uniform, if the family is going to make a big fuss about it. it is going to be an issue in the pictures though unless they do the rest of the groomsmen in similar colour. Easiest thing would be to only have one groomsman then it won't matter that he is dressed differently. It does put some stress on the Groom to be perfectly attired and in equal or higher formality clothing though. If the best dressed person in the pictures is the brother, there will be resentment in the bride.

Pooky582

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2015, 10:00:17 AM »
What Toots said! He is being asked to stand up with the HC for a specific role. The role has nothing to do with his dress uniform. 

And what camlan said. He was fine to ask. But it is her prerogative to say no. I hope she at least did it gently. But if it is all of the other family members pressuring her to give in, I don't agree that she should listen. They have nothing to do with it. It's her wedding and her disagreement with one person, her brother. The only other person whose opinion I would be worried about is the fiance's.

I would do what the bride wants. If my family pressured me into allowing something I did not want at my wedding, I would be resentful and unhappy. Then every time she looks back at her photos of him in his dress blues, she will relive it. The family is turning it into a much bigger deal than it is. Her 'no, wear a tux' should have been sufficient. Her reasons don't really matter.

Edited to add:  A dress uniform may be as formal as a tux, but that isn't the issue. A grey tux and a black tux are both formal, but it doesn't meant it would be okay to wear either color. Brides often want everyone to match. He wouldn't match. I highly doubt she means it as an insult to him or the military. She just wants him to match.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2015, 10:05:19 AM by Pooky582 »