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Author Topic: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136  (Read 43623 times)

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buvezdevin

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #180 on: June 10, 2015, 04:53:03 PM »
The thing is, you can't make them recognize it.  There is no way to force them to see the uniform business as a big deal if they simply don't, even the important part about his breaking his word about it -- it can easily just seem to some people like "Bride asked him to wear a tuxedo even though he preferred his uniform, and he said he would, but in the end, he didn't."  (And I say this as one who from the first agreed that he absolutely should wear the tuxedo and was being completely obnoxious and rude about it.)  They might agree that he should've done what he said he would, but that doesn't mean they are going to see it as a huge betrayal or shocking lack of character, especially if they think the whole matter of what anyone wears is unimportant to begin with.  It's not like he broke a promise to donate a kidney or remain faithful to his wife.  Not everyone considers every incidence of "breaking one's word" to be an equally unforgivable thing ("Husband said he would stop for milk on the way home, and he didn't -- he Broke His Word!") -- they may think, "Okay, so, he broke his word about it; he shouldn't have done that, and he's obnoxious, but what is the point of belaboring it?"  And if they are inclined to think that someone would be silly to make a big fuss about this, even if they were in the right, then they will, and there isn't anything she can do about it.

The OP should just let it go and not let him know it got to her.  Act like a class act, even if you feel like the only grownup in the room.  It sounds like sooner or later this guy will do a perfectly good job of letting everyone know exactly what he is made of without any help from her.

I agree there is no way to make anyone see a differing point of view (bride's vs brother's) - nor do I think it must be discussed.  My point was that if it is discussed, emphasizing the failure to do as agreed rather than whether the original request was reasonable would be more likely to be positively productive, sadly - no guarantee that any discussion would be so.  Also, no guarantee that someone other than the bride will not bring it up.

While I completely agree that breaking one's word is of varying importance depending on the type of commitment and reason for default, and I hope the bride won't be holding on to hurt - it sounds pretty unpleasant as a family dynamic if there is a general view that brother's handling of this situation was remotely acceptable (say anything to stop the discussion, and then do as you want regardless - even when it is impacting another family member, and their milestone event in which you've been asked to participate).

Edited to add missing word
« Last Edit: June 10, 2015, 04:55:02 PM by buvezdevin »
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
Mark Twain

JoieGirl7

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #181 on: June 10, 2015, 05:22:39 PM »
I think the Bride should make a phone call to his superior.

What he did was no small matter.  It shows a lack of character that his superior should know about.

KenveeB

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #182 on: June 10, 2015, 06:48:36 PM »
I think that since the family has already taken Brother's side, there's nothing Bride can do that will help where that goes. She should go or not go to Brother's wedding however she prefers -- but she should definitely behave appropriately if she goes. But she should use this as a means of informing her future relationship with Brother, Grandma, and any of the rest of the family who joined in on harassing her. My relationships with all of them would cool off, I wouldn't see any reason to go out of my way for people who've already shown what they think of me, and I wouldn't see a need to prioritize making it to family events in the future. If I can make it without any conflict or bother, then I'll go. If not, I won't. I'll make holiday plans with the in-laws first, and if my family's plans conflict with that, oh well. Focus on the relationships that make her happy instead. She'll obviously never satisfy the rest of them.

Onyx_TKD

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #183 on: June 10, 2015, 06:55:57 PM »
[agree there is no way to make anyone see a differing point of view (bride's vs brother's) - nor do I think it must be discussed.  My point was that if it is discussed, emphasizing the failure to do as agreed rather than whether the original request was reasonable would be more likely to be positively productive, sadly - no guarantee that any discussion would be so.  Also, no guarantee that someone other than the bride will not bring it up.

I think I'd go a step further. Breaking a promise can occur for many reasons, some more understandable than others. In this case, however, the brother not only failed to uphold his agreement to wear his tux, he did even bother to pick it up, suggesting that he never intended to follow through. He didn't simply break a promise, he was intentionally deceitful. That deceit shows a profound lack of respect for other people and dishonors his uniform in a way that breaking a promise due to, e.g., mere forgetfulness, doesn't come close to. If it was that important to wear his uniform, he had the option to act with integrity by declining a role in the wedding party.

TootsNYC

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #184 on: June 10, 2015, 07:08:45 PM »
The "failing to pick up the tux he didn't want to wear" is a classic, textbook example of "passive aggression." It's exactly the same thing as doing a crummy job washing dishes so that nobody will ask you to do it again.

Or taking forever to get ready to go to a party because you don't want to go, and now you're late, so you register your disapproval, and try to wrest power back, by being passive, by *not* doing things.

Classic. I'd be sure to define it that way if the topic ever came up in the family.

EMuir

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #185 on: June 10, 2015, 07:50:34 PM »
I would have been LIVID. To the point of telling my brother "I'm sorry that you've decided to not be in the wedding party. Please enjoy the ceremony as a guest."  I would have then conferred with my bridesmaids and explained the situation, then decided if one of them would be ok with stepping down so that the numbers would be even. If that was important to me.  I know that otherwise, every picture of my wedding party would remind me of my idiot brother. Oh, and I might ask the minister to ad lib something about pride going before a fall and how everyone needs to support the bride and groom. I'm fantasizing now I know. Sigh.

Or, have all the groomsmen remove their dress coats and cummerbunds and wear just the white shirt and black pants. The difference might have been less noticeable.


Miss Understood

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #186 on: June 10, 2015, 10:52:58 PM »
I have not responded in this thread before, but now with the update I am appalled by the brother's behavior.  I really hope that the bride and groom were not completely overshadowed by his imperiousness (is that a word?), but I fear that given the family dynamics reported by the OP that the bride's family probably applauded her brother and let her wedding be totally eclipsed by his uniform.  If I were her I would not attend his wedding - he already had his moment in the spotlight at hers, depriving her and her husband of theirs. 

I'm sure some will take offense at the "spotlight" comment but really, it is the one day of a non-celebrity's life that you really are the center of attention.  I was really bothered about that preparing for my wedding because I hate being the center of attention, but there it is.  The OP has described the bride as being someone who enjoys that kind of attention, so to have that taken away from her on the one day that pretty much everyone expects it makes me sad for her.  OP, did she and her DH enjoy the day anyway I hope?

gellchom

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #187 on: June 10, 2015, 11:00:02 PM »
I think it takes a lot more than a military uniform to take the focus away from the bride at a wedding.  I'm sure the HC weren't "completely overshadowed," "totally eclipsed," or "deprived of their moment in the spotlight" -- as out of line as he was, that really is overstating it.  Probably most of the guests didn't even know anything about this drama.

I'm sorry for them, too, that this happened, but if she were to let it completely ruin her wedding day, then she really would be doing that to herself and giving him exactly the head space and power she was trying to avoid.  But I don 't think she is; I think she can keep it in perspective.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #188 on: June 11, 2015, 12:48:39 AM »
The groom got a real insight into what his wife's family is like that he won't forget.

Winterlight

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136
« Reply #189 on: June 14, 2015, 08:16:50 PM »
The main issue I see for the bride going forward is that I don't think the rest of her family sees anything wrong with what her brother did on her wedding day.

So no one will stand up for her and talk to the brother and no one will see her as the bigger person if she attends her brother's wedding and dresses and acts appropriately.

If she doesn't go to the wedding, the family is *still* going to see her as the brat.  How dare she not attend her brother's wedding?

She and her husband have some decisions to make.

Personally, I would go to the wedding but I would distance myself from a lot of family functions, especially where brother was the guest of honour.  Or Grandma.  I think she's the one who was really championing the brother wearing his uniform, IIRC from the OP.

I agree, this is a time to start considering her family relationships and her closeness to them. It's pretty clear that Bro is their golden child and she's going to be the scapegoat.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls