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Author Topic: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136  (Read 43630 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #30 on: May 06, 2015, 12:51:10 PM »
well  I'm going to side with brother on this one..unless the OP clarifies more

my thinking:

I don't think he was an SS to ask for wanting it all to be about him - maybe he said - oh a formal occasion; I'm can wear my dress uniform; I'll ask sis if it's okay.

I didn't see the OP mention that it was the brother who was badgering her to wear it; she said her family.

Maybe she told him no and he took no as the answer???

Yes, I agree with this.  I think different people in the military view when to wear military dress and what it means differently.  In my experience, it is not a "look at me" thing at all.  I don't think the brother should insist on wearing the uniform (and the OP does not say that he is) but I don't think his motives were to draw attention away from the bride and onto himself.  Personally, if I saw dress blues in a wedding I would think good things about the HC - it would not occur to me to think anyone would feel that the attention is taken away from the HC.

TootsNYC

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #31 on: May 06, 2015, 01:00:01 PM »
But...

I suspect that in a family that is making this much fuss about it, they -would- make a huge fuss about "how nice to see Brother in his dress uniform!" and "how wonderful brother is to be in the service."

They don't sound nuanced or balanced, with all their uproar over the bride's preference for civilian attire.

Goosey

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #32 on: May 06, 2015, 01:07:22 PM »
Well, what I think it boils down to is that there is no obligation to let a military member in the wedding party wear their dress uniform. Furthermore, refusing to do so is not a political statement against the military and not indicative of anything negative in regards to the HC's character.

It's a personal preference and no one should be accused of being unpatriotic or not supportive of their sibling when their choice is made. The HC's family is acting in an irrational and unfair way. However they found out, it's not their business and I think the HC should start saying that. "We're not discussing this. This is none of your business. If you don't stop, we're going to have to ask you to leave/leave/hang up"

I asked hubby about it and he says that in his experience, the protocol is that you wait for the HC/GOH/hosts to ask you to wear your uniform and you don't request it. And when you are asked, you should feel free to say, "No, sorry." The only exception he knows of is funerals of service members - formal uniforms are almost expected if you're going to attend.

camlan

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #33 on: May 06, 2015, 01:09:13 PM »
But...

I suspect that in a family that is making this much fuss about it, they -would- make a huge fuss about "how nice to see Brother in his dress uniform!" and "how wonderful brother is to be in the service."

They don't sound nuanced or balanced, with all their uproar over the bride's preference for civilian attire.

Yes, this is the vibe I was getting.

That Brother's wearing the uniform at a civilian occasion was more important than the bride's wishes. And that would not make me happy, if I were the bride.

The brother knew enough to ask, so on some level, he knows that this is not a cut-and-dried matter. It's just that he didn't get the answer he wanted, and the family is, for some reason, backing him and not his sister.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Mustard

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #34 on: May 06, 2015, 01:14:58 PM »
I can see why the bride said 'no'.  I would think that, for these relatives, a dress uniform would trump a wedding dress.

Winterlight

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #35 on: May 06, 2015, 01:18:29 PM »
It's not his wedding, so he wears what the bride tells him to wear. He should not have asked in the first place.

And her family needs to sit down and button it. This isn't about Bro. It's about Bride and Groom getting married.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

TurtleDove

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #36 on: May 06, 2015, 01:20:01 PM »
But...

I suspect that in a family that is making this much fuss about it, they -would- make a huge fuss about "how nice to see Brother in his dress uniform!" and "how wonderful brother is to be in the service."

They don't sound nuanced or balanced, with all their uproar over the bride's preference for civilian attire.

I don't see that as a negative thing, or as stealing the bride or HC's thunder though.  I suppose some people might, but certainly not all.  For me, it isn't a zero sum game, meaning that saying it is nice to see the brother in his dress uniform doesn't take away from the focus being on the happy occasion for the bride and groom.  To me, it *adds* to the happy occasion for the HC.

ladyknight1

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #37 on: May 06, 2015, 01:20:59 PM »
I wonder if it will come to the brother stepping down from his duties as a groomsman. This is the kind of thing that can mar a relationship forever, so I hope both parties have thought about that.
“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

TurtleDove

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #38 on: May 06, 2015, 01:21:18 PM »
Well, what I think it boils down to is that there is no obligation to let a military member in the wedding party wear their dress uniform. Furthermore, refusing to do so is not a political statement against the military and not indicative of anything negative in regards to the HC's character.

It's a personal preference and no one should be accused of being unpatriotic or not supportive of their sibling when their choice is made. The HC's family is acting in an irrational and unfair way. However they found out, it's not their business and I think the HC should start saying that. "We're not discussing this. This is none of your business. If you don't stop, we're going to have to ask you to leave/leave/hang up"

I agree with this.

Aeris

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #39 on: May 06, 2015, 01:25:03 PM »
But...

I suspect that in a family that is making this much fuss about it, they -would- make a huge fuss about "how nice to see Brother in his dress uniform!" and "how wonderful brother is to be in the service."

They don't sound nuanced or balanced, with all their uproar over the bride's preference for civilian attire.

I don't see that as a negative thing, or as stealing the bride or HC's thunder though.  I suppose some people might, but certainly not all.  For me, it isn't a zero sum game, meaning that saying it is nice to see the brother in his dress uniform doesn't take away from the focus being on the happy occasion for the bride and groom.  To me, it *adds* to the happy occasion for the HC.


And this would be reasonable, if everyone involved thought this was a lovely thing to do.

But as the situation stands, the family is all in an uproar because of this. If this *wasn't* going to be attention stealing, then saying no wouldn't have been a huge deal. The fact that it has become a big scandal makes it seem like this is/was/will be attention-seeking behavior.


goldilocks

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #40 on: May 06, 2015, 01:25:23 PM »
OP here.   Some background:

The bride is a bit of a spoiled brat.   Their grandmother makes it clear that brother is her favorite, and nothing bride does is ever quite good enough.   Grandmother claims bride is jealous of her brother's accomplishments.

I'm siding with Bride because in my opinion the family is being ridiculous.   But the grandmother has them all stirred up over this, even going so far as to try to pressure various people into "talking" to her.  Brother is proud to be in the military, and rightfully so, but he can wear his uniform all over town if he wants to, just not at the wedding, in my opinion.

It's a long weekend affair, so there will be plenty of opportunities for anyone who want to, to get a picture of him.

Goosey

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #41 on: May 06, 2015, 01:27:02 PM »
The bride is a bit of a spoiled brat.   Their grandmother makes it clear that brother is her favorite, and nothing bride does is ever quite good enough.   Grandmother claims bride is jealous of her brother's accomplishments.
This just makes me feel really, really bad for the bride.

Any chance the brother will talk to grandma and tell her to knock it off?

ETA: bride may be a spoiled brat, but grandma is a bully and just mean.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2015, 01:30:15 PM by Goosey »

Drunken Housewife

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #42 on: May 06, 2015, 01:28:39 PM »
I'm siding with the bride on this.  It's possible to honor someone's service and be proud of them and to support them and be patriotic, all of that, but just want the attendants at your wedding to be in matching clothes.  It's typical of weddings to have all the attendants dressed alike.  It's not my style personally (I didn't even have attendants), but it's completely normal and typical.  She's not asking for something outrageous or weird. 

There is no rule of military conduct that says a service member must wear his dress uniform at formal occasions.  It's not a military ball or military funeral or any other military event he is attending.  It's his sister's day, not his.  At his wedding, he can wear his dress uniform.  At hers, he should wear a tux OR step down from being in the wedding party, if he just simply cannot compromise on this.  I think the most obvious compromises are for him to wear a tux for the ceremony & photos but then change into his dress uniform for the reception, as another person suggested before, or for him to  wear his dress uniform but not stand up as a member of the wedding party. 

The grandmother with her favoritism should shut up.  It's the granddaughter's day, not the grandson's.
« Last Edit: May 06, 2015, 01:30:41 PM by Drunken Housewife »
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TootsNYC

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #43 on: May 06, 2015, 01:36:13 PM »
OP here.   Some background:

The bride is a bit of a spoiled brat.   Their grandmother makes it clear that brother is her favorite, and nothing bride does is ever quite good enough.   Grandmother claims bride is jealous of her brother's accomplishments.

I'm siding with Bride because in my opinion the family is being ridiculous.   But the grandmother has them all stirred up over this, even going so far as to try to pressure various people into "talking" to her.  Brother is proud to be in the military, and rightfully so, but he can wear his uniform all over town if he wants to, just not at the wedding, in my opinion.

It's a long weekend affair, so there will be plenty of opportunities for anyone who want to, to get a picture of him.

Actually, while I totally get your "in my opinion" comment, he may not be able wear his uniform all over town if he wants to, bcs regulations may not permit it.

Quote
NWU wear is authorized for commuting and all normal task and associated stops (e.g. stops at child care, gas stations, off-base shopping, banking, DMV and dining) before, during and after the workday.  NWUs are not a liberty uniform. 

and Service Khaki:
Quote
Worn in Summer/Winter for office work, watchstanding, liberty, or business ashore when prescribed as uniform of the day.

Though, he could probably wear Service Dress to the rehearsal dinner!
Quote
May be prescribed for Summer Wear when Formal Dress, Dinner Dress, or Full Dress. Uniforms are not prescribed and civilian equivalent is coat and tie.

That might be something the bride could propose, if that reading of the regs is accurate!

Winterlight

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #44 on: May 06, 2015, 01:45:35 PM »
Given the addition, my sympathies are even more with the bride.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls