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Author Topic: Family argument - military dress in the wedding UPDATE #136  (Read 43732 times)

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Pooky582

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #45 on: May 06, 2015, 02:52:53 PM »
Agreed. The addition from goldilocks made it even more important that the bride stand her ground. Although, I feel awful for her, because no matter the outcome, brothers outfit is all that will undoubtedly be discussed on her wedding day.

My best friend married a Military man and he chose not to wear his dress uniform for his own ceremony. My friend is in my wedding, and I highly doubt he will will any uniform to it, as well. I wouldn't care either way, because he is a guest and not in the wedding party. But if he was a groomsman, I wouldn't have wanted him to wear his formal dress. I'm proud of him and am thankful for his service, but that has nothing to do with my wedding. It may genuinely just be out of pride, but doing it during a wedding when no one else is seems attention grabbing to me.  It is insulting and rude for the grandmother to say bride is jealous because she wants everyone to match.

And chances are, most of the guests in attendance already know the brides brother is in the military and can thank him/talk to him about it whether he is in uniform or not if they choose.

camlan

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #46 on: May 06, 2015, 03:03:39 PM »
From the update, it sounds as if Grandmama wants to brag about her military grandson at the wedding. The poor bride.

Another example of how this sort of thing can play out--my brother Ned is in the military. He has a very close friend-who-is-a-girl-but-not-a-girlfriend, Sue. Sue got engaged to a man from the UK who is in the service. The wedding was in the US, and very small. The groom had no friends or family at the wedding. But he'd met Ned a few times and asked Ned if he'd stand in for the best man.

Ned agreed and then asked the groom, which would he prefer, Ned to wear his US military dress blues, or a tux. Groom was delighted with the idea of military dress, and decided to wear his own uniform.

But Ned asked--he was not sure what the groom would like, and gave him options.
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TurtleDove

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #47 on: May 06, 2015, 03:14:12 PM »
From the update, it sounds as if Grandmama wants to brag about her military grandson at the wedding. The poor bride.


Agreed.  I don't think the brother was wrong to ask to wear his military dress, but with the update I don't think it even matters that he agrees to honor the bride's wishes and doesn't.  Even if he is wearing a tux Grandma will likely carry on as per usual.  I think it is best to either ask Grandma not to come (probably not what the bride wants to do) or just laughingly accept that Grandma is crazy and make the best of it.  Anyone with an social awareness would realize what Grandma is doing and draw their own conclusions.  Hopefully Grandma won't ruin the HCs day, even if she tries to. If it were me, I would jokingly call her out. Make it obvious what Grandma is doing and that it is ridiculous. So ridiculous, in fact, that it doesn't even bother you. Her opinions and actions are so ridiculous that they are merely laughable, without any possibility of actually having any basis in reality.

snappylt

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #48 on: May 06, 2015, 06:55:47 PM »
Sounded to me like Toots had a splendid compromise, with brother wearing his dress uniform to the rehearsal dinner and then a tux to the wedding itself.

But of course it is up to the bride and the brother themselves. If the bride does not want her brother to be a groomsman unless he gives up his desire to wear his uniform, and if the brother does not want to be a groomsman unless he wears uniform, then maybe they'd both be more comfortable if he were to be a regular guest instead.


CakeEater

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #49 on: May 06, 2015, 07:20:51 PM »
I actually think everyone involved (apart from the bride) is being hugely disrespectful to the groom. I assume that military brother is standing with the groom, rather than with the bride.

So not only is brother going against the bride's wishes (which I completely understand and support), but he's actively being disrespectful to the groom by wishing to be in a special different outfit to him. And since he's been described as a groomsman and not as the best man, I assume there's one of them as well. So the groom and best man, and other groomsmen(?) will be in matching tuxes, and brother would like to wear something different and special.

And Grandma and the rest of the family are pushing for brother's military service to be showcased in a wedding party against the groom's wishes.

Very not cool.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #50 on: May 06, 2015, 07:40:31 PM »
OP here.   Some background:

The bride is a bit of a spoiled brat.   Their grandmother makes it clear that brother is her favorite, and nothing bride does is ever quite good enough.   Grandmother claims bride is jealous of her brother's accomplishments.

I'm siding with Bride because in my opinion the family is being ridiculous.   But the grandmother has them all stirred up over this, even going so far as to try to pressure various people into "talking" to her.  Brother is proud to be in the military, and rightfully so, but he can wear his uniform all over town if he wants to, just not at the wedding, in my opinion.

It's a long weekend affair, so there will be plenty of opportunities for anyone who want to, to get a picture of him.

Actually, while I totally get your "in my opinion" comment, he may not be able wear his uniform all over town if he wants to, bcs regulations may not permit it.

Quote
NWU wear is authorized for commuting and all normal task and associated stops (e.g. stops at child care, gas stations, off-base shopping, banking, DMV and dining) before, during and after the workday.  NWUs are not a liberty uniform. 

and Service Khaki:
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Worn in Summer/Winter for office work, watchstanding, liberty, or business ashore when prescribed as uniform of the day.

Though, he could probably wear Service Dress to the rehearsal dinner!
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May be prescribed for Summer Wear when Formal Dress, Dinner Dress, or Full Dress. Uniforms are not prescribed and civilian equivalent is coat and tie.

That might be something the bride could propose, if that reading of the regs is accurate!

Yeah, my husband says that it's generally considered okay to wear your uniform outside of work if you're traveling to and from work and the errand will take about half an hour or less, but anything much more that that and it's encouraged to take the time to go home and change first.  You're not really supposed to wear your uniform out and about for accolades.  Every once in a while you see a news story about somebody being at a concert wearing uniform and getting attention from the musicians because of it, or something, and that's actually a really inappropriate use.

I think service dress/mess dress (depending on the level of formality) is completely appropriate when you're a guest, or at the rehearsal dinner (my husband usually wears his if the dress code permits it), but I really like the comment (Toots', I think?) about uniforms being about *uniformity*.

Is the part about the bride being spoiled intentional, or was it meant to say that the brother is spoiled?  It definitely sounds like the favored one is getting attention at the expense of the bride/groom.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #51 on: May 06, 2015, 07:46:21 PM »
Quote
I really like the comment (Toots', I think?) about uniforms being about *uniformity*.

Toots' brother's comment, actually, which is what made it powerful to me.

gollymolly2

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #52 on: May 06, 2015, 08:32:09 PM »
She knew what her brother was like before inviting him and how ingrained the military is into his life. It's like inviting a relative who regularly has tattoo's/piercings/dyed hair and then telling them they have to cover the tattoos or their hair dye or piercings.

It is a small thing to argue about, and he should be allowed to be himself.

I don't think these things are similar at all.

You cant ask your friends to change their physical appearance for a wedding, but you can ask them to wear specific things.

To me, asking the brother to wear the same tux as everyone else is no different than asking your casual friend with dyed hair and tattoos and piercings to wear a tux like everyone.

The equivalent of what you wrote - asking someone to cover up tattoos or undye their hair - would be if the. Ride asked him to grow out his crew cut or something.

loopyluna

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #53 on: May 06, 2015, 09:37:12 PM »
Naval officer here. He was okay to ask; she was okay to say no. Grandma is behaving very poorly.

This is not his day; the honorable choice is to do as the bride and groom prefer. I would think especially poorly of him if he chose to wear service dress knowing Grandma would make a fuss. That crosses the line into attention seeking. Dressing in a civilian tux for one day at a civilian event does not dishonor his military service, and if I heard one of my sailors suggesting that it did, we'd be having a chat.

goldilocks

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #54 on: May 07, 2015, 08:30:04 AM »
Bride is spoiled - her father treats her like a reigning queen.   Parents are divorced and the dad suffers from divorced dad syndrome.   

Anyway, this had actually gotten so far as to cause arguments between me and DH until we just decided to drop it.   I admit I have a soft spot for bride - yes, she's a spoiled diva, but I know how to handle her.   

I believe they've decided he'll wear the tux for the wedding and the uniform for the reception.

Goosey

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #55 on: May 07, 2015, 08:34:27 AM »
I don't understand why it's relevant that the bride is spoiled?

In this case, she's not acting spoiled. In fact, she's come to a really nice compromise. Seems like the only person who is acting spoiled here is the grandmother.

I also think less of the brother for wearing his uniform - even at the reception - after grandmother was so nasty to his sister about it. I think he should have said he's not wearing it at all.

mime

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #56 on: May 07, 2015, 10:02:48 AM »
I'm glad to hear they reached the wedding=tux and reception=uniform agreement. It is a good compromise, and any guests who are aware of the Grandma-drama will hopefully get a positive message about the brother & sister's relationship in this decision.

As for dealing with the Grandma who may want to pout during the ceremony and then throw the spotlight on the brother during the reception, I think TurtleDove's suggestion below is exactly right. I have a crazy grandma myself (and I'm clearly her least favorite), and the best you can do is roll your eyes and chuckle at her craziness.

From the update, it sounds as if Grandmama wants to brag about her military grandson at the wedding. The poor bride.


Agreed.  I don't think the brother was wrong to ask to wear his military dress, but with the update I don't think it even matters that he agrees to honor the bride's wishes and doesn't.  Even if he is wearing a tux Grandma will likely carry on as per usual.  I think it is best to either ask Grandma not to come (probably not what the bride wants to do) or just laughingly accept that Grandma is crazy and make the best of it.  Anyone with an social awareness would realize what Grandma is doing and draw their own conclusions.  Hopefully Grandma won't ruin the HCs day, even if she tries to. If it were me, I would jokingly call her out. Make it obvious what Grandma is doing and that it is ridiculous. So ridiculous, in fact, that it doesn't even bother you. Her opinions and actions are so ridiculous that they are merely laughable, without any possibility of actually having any basis in reality.


snappylt

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #57 on: May 07, 2015, 10:34:41 AM »
Bride is spoiled - her father treats her like a reigning queen.   Parents are divorced and the dad suffers from divorced dad syndrome.   

Anyway, this had actually gotten so far as to cause arguments between me and DH until we just decided to drop it.   I admit I have a soft spot for bride - yes, she's a spoiled diva, but I know how to handle her.   

I believe they've decided he'll wear the tux for the wedding and the uniform for the reception.

That sounds like a good compromise for both of them. (I'm glad they could work it out. Your comments about the grandmother's role made me feel sad for them both.)

Winterlight

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #58 on: May 07, 2015, 11:59:54 AM »
I don't understand why it's relevant that the bride is spoiled?

In this case, she's not acting spoiled. In fact, she's come to a really nice compromise. Seems like the only person who is acting spoiled here is the grandmother.

I also think less of the brother for wearing his uniform - even at the reception - after grandmother was so nasty to his sister about it. I think he should have said he's not wearing it at all.

Yes, the only spoilt brat here is grandma- and possibly Bro. The Bride is being a lot nicer than I'd be feeling.
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HannahGrace

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Re: Family argument - military dress in the wedding
« Reply #59 on: May 07, 2015, 12:00:49 PM »
I don't understand why it's relevant that the bride is spoiled?

In this case, she's not acting spoiled. In fact, she's come to a really nice compromise. Seems like the only person who is acting spoiled here is the grandmother.

I also think less of the brother for wearing his uniform - even at the reception - after grandmother was so nasty to his sister about it. I think he should have said he's not wearing it at all.

Yes, the only spoilt brat here is grandma- and possibly Bro. The Bride is being a lot nicer than I'd be feeling.

Agree.  It seems uncharitable to bring it up in a context in which she is pretty much the only person who isn't acting spoiled.