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Author Topic: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members  (Read 13509 times)

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Kaypeep

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #15 on: May 19, 2015, 04:22:54 PM »
First,  the bride and groom should contact the cousins and say "I'm confirming your RSVP the wedding that the two of you will be attending.  Also, some relatives indicated to us that you may be bringing your kids and I am calling to just reiterate that the invite if only for the two of you, not the kids.  You guys are clear on that, right?" and wait for them to agree.  if they agree, then just quickly say "Great. I'm glad we cleared that up because we definitely do not have room for any additional guests and it would have been a HUGE problem if any uninvited extras showed up!"   If they balk or try to guilt you then just hold firm and repeat "I'm sorry to hear that but this invite if only for the two of you.  If you show up with the kids it WILL be a problem, that's why I'm calling.  We don't want any problems for our guests or ourselves on our wedding day and I need to make sure this is cleared up now."  If they continue to pressure you or try to guilt you then be firm and say "This sounds like a problem for you, one that we can't resolve.  If you can't respect the terms of our invitation then we will have to revoke it and consider the two of you as a "no".  I will let the family know you won't be coming after all." and then end the call.

If they show up with the kids, Someone needs to have a spine and tell them to make other arrangements or leave.  If you are close with your cousin Rob, ask him to repeat the no kids rule to his houseguests and if they have the gall to try and bring them, have Rob text you in advance (you say they live a couple of hours away.)  Then use those hours to contact Uncle Tommy and tell him to call his daughter ASAP and warn her to NOT bring the kids.  In fact I'd call uncle Tommy NOW and tell him the family grapevine is buzzing that his daughter is planning to ignore your sister and bring extra guests to the wedding.  Tell him she was told it wasn't possible to accomodate them, and it's going to be a huge problem if she ruins this wedding day by bringing uninvited guests and screwing up carefully laid plans.  Ask him to run interference before the wedding and reiterate the invitation terms to his daughter, and ask him if he's willing to help the day of the wedding to ensure the children aren't put in an awkward position and that the bride does not have her day marred by party crashers either.  If he's a nice and reasonable guy I think he can understand this and might help.

Talk to the reception hall and ask them if they have a staff person with a super strong spine who can handle turning away party crashers, and let them deal with it.  No extra seats will be squeezed into the table and no extra plates will be made.  And tell them they can't stay and that the couple was forwarned that extra guests can not be accomodated for and must leave.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #16 on: May 19, 2015, 10:45:41 PM »
I agree with PPs who say this is your sister's wedding, so it's not really your place to handle this situation (unless your sister specifically asks you to). You can certainly make suggestions (eg "Hey [Sister], have you considered hiring security", etc) but it's really her decision whether she wants to stand up to these people, or let it slide.

As for how you should act towards your cousins (and their kids, if they bring them), I'd be coolly polite. If your cousins say things like "Isn't it wonderful that we brought our kids? I bet that deep down, Bride is over the moon that they're here!" you don't have to agree. I'd say something like "Actually, I'm really surprised that [Sister] made it very clear your children weren't invited, but you decided to bring them anyway." 

LEMon

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #17 on: June 05, 2015, 08:36:02 PM »
Your sister has decided to not do anything more. She knows, especially since you have mentioned it, that they may show up with children. From your posts she doesn't want you do to anything. So now you have to decide to just go with her wishes.

What you can do now is think of ways to make her day as nice as you can. You can't control them, but you can brainstorm things to do that help her and her groom have a great day.

While LifeOnPluto is right about coolly polite, doing things that will give them excuses to misbehave isn't a good idea. It only creates drama and gives them something to push against.

I would come up with ideas for changing the subject - interesting things that you can bring up to switch the flow of conversation. Light and neutral but of interest to others.


Lynda_34

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #18 on: December 06, 2015, 01:39:33 AM »
Was there an update?

Cali.in.UK

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2015, 12:40:47 PM »
Was there an update?

Hi! Sorry I forgot to update. Well the cousins continued to ask if their kids could come up until the day before the wedding and at that point there were a few last minute cancelations so my mom said it was okay (with permission from bride/sis). So we made place settings for them (picked an intricate craft, do not recommend it took ages) and then... the cousins and Rob + Rob's family showed up with no cousin's kids.. I asked Rob's wife about it discretely and she actually got sort of defensive and said that they didn't come because my family had made it so clear that they were unwelcome, so I asked her why they would have asked the day before if they already knew they didn't want to bring the kids at that point, and Rob's wife said, "I just know how they feel and understand where they are coming from." In a guilt-trip type way so changed the subject and I pretty much avoided Rob's wife at that point. No one else said anything about it at the event.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2015, 01:26:00 PM »
Glad this turned out okay. 

This is another of those situations where someone needs to shine a spine and stand up to these people eventually.  They are special snowflakes that need their behavior corrected.   

I have had parties where I had to literally body block someone from coming in with their kids after being told repeatedly that children were not allowed. Another special snowflake that thought the rules did not apply to them.

 

PastryGoddess

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2015, 02:22:35 PM »
Glad this turned out okay. 

This is another of those situations where someone needs to shine a spine and stand up to these people eventually.  They are special snowflakes that need their behavior corrected.   

I have had parties where I had to literally body block someone from coming in with their kids after being told repeatedly that children were not allowed. Another special snowflake that thought the rules did not apply to them.

 

I shut the door in someone's face when they showed up to my party with an uninvited guest and child

Celany

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #22 on: December 07, 2015, 04:04:30 PM »
Also glad to hear it went OK!


Glad this turned out okay. 

This is another of those situations where someone needs to shine a spine and stand up to these people eventually.  They are special snowflakes that need their behavior corrected.   

I have had parties where I had to literally body block someone from coming in with their kids after being told repeatedly that children were not allowed. Another special snowflake that thought the rules did not apply to them.

 

I shut the door in someone's face when they showed up to my party with an uninvited guest and child

If someone brought a child to my home without clearing it with me first, I would HAVE to do this. My home is *really* child unfriendly. Not only would it take a significant amount of time to make it child-friendly (time that I wouldn't be willing to commit to, unless it was an extremely close friend), a child that isn't being kept under very close watch could really hurt themselves. For instance, we have a piece of bar furniture and several of the bottles of alcohol that are within child-grasp just have corked bottle tops. Very easy for a child to open and drink from. Not to mention, I'd be very angry if someone's kid drank and/or poured out a bunch of my expensive tequila on the sly (I'd also be worried about the child if they did actually drink the alcohol, of course. and furious to be in such a position).
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. ~ Hippolyte Taine

Sophia

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #23 on: December 07, 2015, 04:18:09 PM »
Well, at least you guys know to never invite or be forced to invite any of these people again. 

Cali.in.UK

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #24 on: December 07, 2015, 05:49:46 PM »
Well, at least you guys know to never invite or be forced to invite any of these people again.

Well not quite, but I will be more direct when my wedding rolls around. They live with and are the caregivers of my great uncle who has been very supportive and kind to me so I want him to come, but it does sort of make it difficult for them to not realize the wedding is happening. And probably one of them would come with him. They just sort of leapt from "uncle is invited" to "uncle plus us and all our children" are invited, so we will see what happens this time around.

Sophia

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #25 on: December 08, 2015, 07:26:32 AM »
Ah, that makes sense, it hadn't filtered into my brain that they lived with lovely uncle. 

Just throwing this out there, you can hire temporary caregivers.  Although, you do have a pat response now.  They demanded an invitation for their kids, and then the kids no-showed. 

Klein Bottle

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #26 on: December 09, 2015, 09:01:52 PM »
I just have to stay, Ron's wife has a lot of nerve what with her PA commentary. And the cousins making this such an all-important issue, and causing y'all to go out of your we for them and then not bringing the kids after all? You're probably glad you don't see more of these people!

It makes you wonder how Lovely Uncle Tommy could have produced such clueless magoos!    :P
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Erich L-ster

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #27 on: December 10, 2015, 01:19:50 AM »
I think it would have been better not to allow the kids even after the cancellations. It seems like rewarding bad behavior.

Arila

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #28 on: December 15, 2015, 08:08:42 AM »
Glad this turned out okay. 

This is another of those situations where someone needs to shine a spine and stand up to these people eventually.  They are special snowflakes that need their behavior corrected.   

I have had parties where I had to literally body block someone from coming in with their kids after being told repeatedly that children were not allowed. Another special snowflake that thought the rules did not apply to them.

 

I shut the door in someone's face when they showed up to my party with an uninvited guest and child

Was there any lasting fallout from that? Maybe you can update the thread. So often we only see the short term effects and fallout, not the longer-term stuff.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Etiquette of "hosting" wedding crashing family members
« Reply #29 on: December 15, 2015, 10:18:56 AM »
Glad this turned out okay. 

This is another of those situations where someone needs to shine a spine and stand up to these people eventually.  They are special snowflakes that need their behavior corrected.   

I have had parties where I had to literally body block someone from coming in with their kids after being told repeatedly that children were not allowed. Another special snowflake that thought the rules did not apply to them.

 

I shut the door in someone's face when they showed up to my party with an uninvited guest and child

Was there any lasting fallout from that? Maybe you can update the thread. So often we only see the short term effects and fallout, not the longer-term stuff.

Not really.  I have to go and find it.  I know it's over 4 months old.