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Author Topic: There is an issue with your date...UPDATE page 65  (Read 27780 times)

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Mopsy428

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There is an issue with your date...UPDATE page 65
« on: June 26, 2015, 03:44:23 PM »
I've seen some wild things in my day in the wedding industry and as a guest. However, nothing tops what my cousin is doing for her wedding.

Background: We set our wedding date in late January 2015. It's Memorial Day weekend 2016. We notified almost everyone we are inviting. (I have family who were visiting the US from the Philippines and Australia in 2016, and my fiance has family from the South who are coming up, so we decided to have it over a holiday weekend.) We live in a US state that borders Canada. Cousin Lillian became engaged on 3/17/15 to her long time boyfriend. She lives in a southern state, although her sisters and Mom live in my state.

Last Sunday, my mother told me that she didn't want me to flip out, but....she (my mother) called Lillian's mother, my Aunt Emma to wish her a happy birthday. Aunt Emma said that Lillian was getting married on Memorial Day weekend 2016 on Lillian's fiance's brother's farm in her state. My mother was stunned, especially since Aunt Emma kept rambling on and on about how could Lillian do this to her sisters, who had children and it was going to be expensive to take them down to the wedding. Mom stammered out, "Emma, what do you mean she's getting married Memorial Day weekend? [Mopsy] AND [Marc] are getting married then, and they set the date WELL before your daughter even got engaged..."

Cue the excuses (and my thoughts in bold):

1) But the brother who owns the farm is getting married in "the Fall" and the only times you can get married in this state outside are May and "the Fall". (I've been to this state, and that's not true. Even if it was, she should pick a date in "the Fall" six weeks apart from her brother-in-law or pick another date in May. I fail to see how Memorial Day weekend is the only weekend available....especially since her venue is not even open to the public.)

2) It won't be a big production. It'll be a small affair with only her sisters, brothers-in-law, and nieces and nephews. She is having s'mores and fireworks, etc., etc. ( A) Stop not-so-subtly hinting that my wedding is a "production". I am getting married on a golf course and then having a meal with the guests. No one is performing The Mousetrap. B) She is having her wedding on the same weekend as a wedding that she had her guests are all ready invited to! There is only one person in this family who should be getting married that weekend, and that person is NOT your daughter. It does NOT matter if you are having a full-blown black tie affair in a Church with 200 guests or are exchanging vows over Happy Meals at McDonalds! Your cousin in all ready getting married that day! It is rude, rude, rude to schedule your day on the same weekend!

My mind = blown. It never ceases to amaze me how selfish people are. It's not all about you. It's like it would kill these people to take a time out and think about someone else for 2 minutes.

But...I figure that if she wants to be like that, she's going to be like that. She's clearly doing it to cause drama. I won't be sending her an invitation, and I guess that'll be at least 11 people who won't be going to my wedding. I told my mother that I won't worry about it, and I'll enjoy the company of the people who are coming.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2015, 09:56:40 PM by Mopsy428 »

Lynn2000

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2015, 03:53:30 PM »
Hmm, well, I guess I'm not really seeing where Cousin was rude, or how her wedding plans are meant as a comment on yours. If you think that's what Aunt is saying, then yes, Aunt is being rude and catty to make such comments, but that needn't affect your mental outlook at all. In fact I would ask my mom not to pass on any more of Aunt's negative comments, if that's the case. It might help to reduce your stress levels if you focus on the great time you're going to have at your own wedding, and tell yourself that Cousin is planning exactly the wedding she herself wants, just as you are. Yeah, it stinks that Cousin's immediate family won't be able to attend your wedding, but as you say, it's a small number of people, and presumably Cousin ran the dates by those most important to her (parents, siblings) before settling on it, and this just happened to work best for everyone.

Speaking generally, I don't feel like people as far out in the family circle as cousins should have to plan their lives around each other's wedding dates. The wedding is a big deal to the HC and perhaps their parents and siblings, but the farther out you go, the less it impacts other people. Life goes on, and sometimes conflicts come up. It would take someone terribly petty and short-sighted to deliberately plan their wedding to clash with someone else's. Either Cousin is not like that, and she picked the date she did due to other important factors and the conflict couldn't be helped; or if she is that petty, don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know it annoyed you. Just graciously congratulate her. I would still invite everyone, but perhaps write a personal note on the invitations saying you know they can't come but you wanted them to feel included.
~Lynn2000

lmyrs

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2015, 03:58:59 PM »
Well, if she has people that are coming to her wedding from out of state, then it's probably easier to have it on a long weekend. If that justification is good enough for you, it should be good enough for her, shouldn't it? What are her long weekend alternatives? I guess 4th of July? That seems like a pretty big deal in the States. Like having a wedding at Christmas. It's not ideal, but it's hardly up to you to "call" the date and not allow anyone else to have it.

I'm also curious about the "6 weeks" comment? Several years ago my cousin was married in June. Three weeks later, his sister was married. One week later, my sister was married. The next year, another cousin was married one week and his sister was married the next week. I didn't know that "6 weeks" was a requirement? That's nuts to me since I come from a place where winter weddings are nearly unheard of due to the high probability of the whole thing ending up in disaster due to a blizzard. Which, combined with a farming background (no weddings during harvest, none during calving, none during seeding), there's only maybe 2 months of "good" wedding time available in a year.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2015, 04:16:50 PM »
If cousin is that way - deliberately setting a date to compete with you, she is selfish and a few other adjectives.  However, if that date is one that works for her and fiancee's family, that's that. 

This setting wedding dates 18 months is advance doesn't mean anything to me...I have no idea what I might be doing that day.  I might engrave plans in concrete and have all arrangements made only to sprain an ankle, have a teacher change an assignment date, get sick or whatever.  Life happens. 

And anyone thinking that they are "entitled" to that day is just wrong imo.  Your wedding is your day, it's all about you and you are the center of attention, looking beautiful and so on - but if you think the world is going to revolve around you, you are in for a sad shock.
 
My mind = blown. It never ceases to amaze me how selfish people are. It's not all about you. It's like it would kill these people to take a time out and think about someone else for 2 minutes. It's not all about YOU either dear. 

Deetee

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2015, 04:49:13 PM »
No there isn't an issue with the date unless you make an issue with the date. You set your date in advance but that does NOT mean you get it reserved from any and all encroachment. No-one gets to call dibs on a calendar. You set a date that works for you. Your cousin set a date that works for her.

No one has RSVP'd so no commitments are broken.


thedudeabides

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2015, 06:17:13 PM »
Bless your heart.

If you haven't sent your invitations and they haven't responded that they're attending, then they haven't broken any previous engagements - verbal notification that an invitation is forthcoming is not a requirement that the future invitees attend.

As for her comments on the fact that their wedding is small, did it occur to you that that might have been said as a way of pointing out that there shouldn't be major overlap between her guest list and yours? And that she's therefore not "stealing" your wedding guests?

Everyone else has already covered everything else i wanted to say regarding the timing of their wedding versus the timing of yours.

Phoebe

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2015, 06:19:38 PM »
I'm afraid the only drama in evidence is your rant, nothing Lillian is doing.  Please don't rail at her or her mother, they've done nothing wrong.  Try to be happy for her; after all, she's embarking on the same adventure you are :)

Mary Lennox

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2015, 06:28:42 PM »
Last Sunday, my mother told me that she didn't want me to flip out, but....

Interesting. Do you have a history of flipping out when things don't go your way?

shhh its me

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2015, 07:19:49 PM »
   I do think cousins have an obligation to try to avoid the same wedding date mostly to spare Grandma and Grandpa and Aunts and Uncles the agony of picking one close relations wedding to attend.  Try is the operative word.  Since they are not inviting Aunts and Uncles and no? grandparents that make the conflict about not being able to attend something they would be invited to.

 "Save the Date" is not a literal command that must be followed , you didn't actually get dibs on everyone's life that weekend when you set them out. Its not remotely rude to schedule an event on the someday as someone else's.  It might be a little mean , it might be a little inconsiderate.  Like another posters said , our internal calendars are our own no 2 are alike. Just because I was told something 6 months ago doesn't mean its on the "tip of my mind" when I'm planning my event especially a person I was not inviting to my wedding.  This assumption creeps up all the time about dates and "they know I don't eat ....." The truth is "They" don't people don't go through life remember everyone else important details.

For the "excuses"  I wouldn't want to have my outdoor wedding on a date where 90 degrees was a 50/50 possibility.  The availability of a free or low cost venue is a pretty important factor.  I can completely understand the brother not wanting to deal with another wedding at his house (is the farm also his home?) even months before his own. IF its a working farm , there are lots of dates it wont be available and the brother wont be available or the groom , grooms family wont be available.  So even if we agreed with "My Date , Mine" the "excuses" could be very valid reasons.


I would have taken the small wedding as "We wont be taking all your other guests." it may have been "Eyeroll I can't believe Mospy is having a production." but that is more on your mom for relaying the comment to you then your Aunt for saying it to you mom.

JenJay

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #9 on: June 26, 2015, 07:33:06 PM »
Guess I'm the oddball but I think it stinks and I would have been very annoyed (I eloped to Vegas so imy date was a non-issue). Some grandparents and aunts/uncles will now have to choose whose wedding to attend. I find it hard to believe that this was the only weekend the cousin could have her wedding.

That said, maybe it was. Try to let it go and enjoy your planning. Some people will have to choose, and that's a bummer, but at the end of the day the important thing is that hopefully you'll both have a lovely wedding and a happy marriage.

shhh its me

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #10 on: June 26, 2015, 07:38:18 PM »
Guess I'm the oddball but I think it stinks and I would have been very annoyed (I eloped to Vegas so imy date was a non-issue). Some grandparents and aunts/uncles will now have to choose whose wedding to attend. I find it hard to believe that this was the only weekend the cousin could have her wedding.

That said, maybe it was. Try to let it go and enjoy your planning. Some people will have to choose, and that's a bummer, but at the end of the day the important thing is that hopefully you'll both have a lovely wedding and a happy marriage.

But she is only inviting her own siblings. So other Aunts wont be an issue , grandparents may be if they will be invited and are still available.

gellchom

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2015, 07:58:44 PM »
We had the same situation with my son's wedding.  A cousin who knew of the date forgot all about it when she got engaged. We all found out that she chose the same date (also a holiday weekend) when she emailed my mother, asking her to loan her money for a lavish wedding.   We did invite her, and she invited us. 

The last few posters have their finger on the problem.  It's not about an etiquette rule or owning the date or expecting your wedding to be as important to others as it is to you.  It's the problem it creates for all the mutual relatives who would dearly love to attend both-- there were several in our family.   You can be nice about not making anyone feel bad for not choosing yours, but you still don't solve their problem. 

So I do think the OP's cousin was inconsiderate, not only to the OP but even more to Grandma and the rest of the family who will be put in a spot. 


thedudeabides

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #12 on: June 26, 2015, 08:35:34 PM »
Except that they've already guaranteed that almost no one will be inconvenienced by having such a small wedding. The only people invited to both, as that list stands, are the cousin and fiance getting married, her parents, and any siblings the cousin has. Grandparents were not even on the list the aunt mentioned. They appear to be going out of their way not to distract from the OP's wedding.

Benni

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2015, 08:42:30 PM »
My DH and I were engaged and planning a wedding before my cousin even met her DH.  She met him, became engaged and selected my wedding day, time and place to get married.  Our receptions were over an hour apart so only one relative was brave enough to attempt both.  No grandparents at my reception, no cousins or aunts and uncles.

OP, I get exactly where you are coming from.  I realize other posters have pointed out that no one owns a day - and they are right.  What they are failing to acknowledge is that there are no rules for feelings.  Your feelings are hurt and someone you love hurt them.

{{Hugs}}

shhh its me

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #14 on: June 26, 2015, 08:48:08 PM »
My DH and I were engaged and planning a wedding before my cousin even met her DH.  She met him, became engaged and selected my wedding day, time and place to get married.  Our receptions were over an hour apart so only one relative was brave enough to attempt both.  No grandparents at my reception, no cousins or aunts and uncles.

OP, I get exactly where you are coming from.  I realize other posters have pointed out that no one owns a day - and they are right.  What they are failing to acknowledge is that there are no rules for feelings.  Your feelings are hurt and someone you love hurt them.

{{Hugs}}

Again they are only 11 shared guests not all the aunts uncles cousins etc.  IT may have been inconsiderate or cousin may simply not thought of the schedule of a cousin she is not inviting.  To declare "She just did it to cause drama" is a bit extreme planning a wedding in another state , even a small wedding is a bit of a extreme to take to upset your cousin.  Not saying its impossible just its an extreme conclusion.


Edited to add: ITs even easy to forget about someone else plans if you decided months ago you couldn't attend. 
« Last Edit: June 26, 2015, 09:02:10 PM by shhh its me »