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Author Topic: There is an issue with your date...UPDATE page 65  (Read 27781 times)

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Two Ravens

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #30 on: June 27, 2015, 09:27:31 AM »
i think the op has every right to be upset.  the cousin knew the wedding date and still chose to pick the same one.  even tho she and her family were already invited to the OPs.

They were not "invited." The OP hasn't sent her invitations yet. They had just received a STD.

If it really were the only possible date for the cousin or something like that, she still could have handled it differently: "Mopsy, I am so sorry, but we have tried and tried and this is the only date that will work because [X].  I feel so bad about this; we really wanted you to be there and I hate it that I will have to miss your wedding, too. I'm so sorry, but we just couldn't work it out any other way.  Thank you for being understanding."

It does not sound like the OP and cousin are in close contact. For all the OP knows, she would receive a note like this after she sends her invitations (which she is now not going to, it seems).

I think the OP has been dogpiled on a bit.

I think if she had posted this in the "Hug" thread, I think she would have gotten very different responses. But she posted it here in the discussion area, and her OP was full of hyperbolic statements like "I know she is only doing this to cause drama," and "nothing tops what my cousin is doing." I think that caused the responses. I think she has every right to feel hurt, but she seems very angry and bitter about it.

JenJay

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #31 on: June 27, 2015, 10:12:09 AM »
If it really were the only possible date for the cousin or something like that, she still could have handled it differently: "Mopsy, I am so sorry, but we have tried and tried and this is the only date that will work because [X].  I feel so bad about this; we really wanted you to be there and I hate it that I will have to miss your wedding, too. I'm so sorry, but we just couldn't work it out any other way.  Thank you for being understanding."

I agree. They're close enough that Mopsey had a reasonable expectation that Aunt, Uncle, and cousins would travel for her wedding, so I think Cousin could have at least reached out directly. I suppose maybe she'd planned to and her mom beat her to it, but then again it sounds like she's done a lot of her planning so this probably wasn't decided within the last few days.

gellchom

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #32 on: June 27, 2015, 11:28:22 AM »
To wait to say anything until after receiving an invitation would be too late.  The damage is done, and I don't mean the damage of choosing the date, I mean the damage of the message. 

Choosing the same date (I think the distinction between an invitation and a save the date is meaningless for this situation) says "We don't care about attending your wedding and we don't care about you or your family attending mine."  If that's not the case, because it's just impossible to avoid for some reason, then you need to get that across somehow at the same time, not just leave the tacit "we don't care ..." hanging out there unmitigated.

Mergatroyd

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #33 on: June 27, 2015, 11:34:08 AM »
1) OP has only her mothers view of her aunts words about her cousins wedding. Nowhere do I see actual confirmation from cousin.

2) things happen. Several relatives cancelled attending my sisters wedding to attend the funeral of another relative.

3) people are being expected to travel to each of these weddings, in different places. Some people will go to the event closest to them, some will not go to either. They'll all still be very happy for both the brides.

OP, unless you are a drama queen, why don't you phone cousin to see what is actually going on, before you fly off the handle?

Zizi-K

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #34 on: June 27, 2015, 11:52:26 AM »
If it really were the only possible date for the cousin or something like that, she still could have handled it differently: "Mopsy, I am so sorry, but we have tried and tried and this is the only date that will work because [X].  I feel so bad about this; we really wanted you to be there and I hate it that I will have to miss your wedding, too. I'm so sorry, but we just couldn't work it out any other way.  Thank you for being understanding."

I agree with this. It is one thing to be forced by circumstance to choose the same date, acknowledge that it is not ideal and apologize for any inconvenience or difficulties it might cause, as well as expressing regret that they wouldn't be able to attend each other's weddings. What is really crappy is acting like it's no big deal.

Lynn2000

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #35 on: June 27, 2015, 05:13:54 PM »
I think it's very telling that the cousin's mom didn't even remember the dates were the same until the OP's mom (her sister?) reminded her. My guess would be the two branches of the family just aren't as close as they once were. And that's hurtful to realize, especially so suddenly. It's not just the two cousins, but also the two sisters (?)--I can only imagine how hurt OP's mom was, to realize that not only would her sister not be at her daughter's wedding, she didn't even have it on her mind! But as sad as it is, I think it can also be a natural progression in life, especially as people who were close when young move farther apart geographically. You realize you just didn't have that much in common.

And, it's also disappointing to realize that not only are you no longer close to certain people, they also don't share your values--for the OP, family is family, and family does this and does not do that. There is nothing wrong with that view, but not everyone shares it, and that's okay for them, too. I'm not very close to any of my first cousins as an adult, and in fact missed one of their weddings earlier this year just because I didn't feel like going to the trouble of attending--in fact it would have involved travel over a busy holiday weekend. I can see how finding this out suddenly, in the midst of an emotional time, would be extra hurtful, but that doesn't mean anyone is rude or wrong.

In fact, I think the cousin has taken some big steps to minimize her wedding's impact on the OP, for example by keeping it very small. Of course there may be people who would have liked to attend the OP's wedding, but clearly the wedding of their own daughter/sister trumps that. As far as I know, no one is being asked to choose between the two brides as equals--a third aunt choosing between the weddings of her nieces, or grandparents choosing between the weddings of their granddaughters.

Also, the same factors that made the holiday weekend attractive to the OP, may be what made it attractive to Cousin. People often schedule events on holiday weekends when they know guests are going to have to travel, as it gives many people an extra day off work automatically. And, it's unknown what constraints the HC is under from the groom's family. As the OP well knows, choosing an amenable date is difficult and there's always going to be a conflict somewhere. If the bride had only a short window in which to get married, choosing the same date may have been a kindness to her immediate family--had she chosen the weekend before or after the OP's, she and her immediate family might have felt obligated to attend both weddings, increasing the expense and effort, perhaps to the point where some people would not have attended the OP's wedding anyway (like if it wasn't in their travel/vacation days budget to do both). It's probably something she had to consider, anyway.

To be honest, Aunt sounds like a bit of a character, doing nothing but complain about her own daughter's wedding, without even remembering the OP's. So I wouldn't be surprised if some of the things she said were a bit skewed and didn't realistically represent the bride's own attitude or thought process.
~Lynn2000

Ceallach

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #36 on: June 28, 2015, 07:25:48 AM »
If anything what they are sending is a message that the relationship isn't as close as you think it is - attending your wedding is obviously not important to them at all, given they have chosen to schedule their own special occasion for the same day.     And that is definitely hurtful.   Again, not rude, just life.   But hurtful. 

What if this is the one weekend of the year where the cousin's future in-laws can make it. Should the cousin put her wedding off just so it doesn't clash with the OP's? If it comes down to your wedding or my wedding, it's going to be mine all the way. That doesn't mean I'm not close to my cousin or I don't love her - it means that this is the only weekend I can get married.

No of course not.   Just because something is hurtful doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.   And just because a person makes a decision that's best for themselves doesn't mean it won't negatively impact somebody else.     There are people I'm so close to that I would never ever schedule my wedding to conflict with theirs, simply because I couldn't bear to miss theirs - I would postpone my wedding a year if need be.  Then there are other people I care about but whom at the end of the day, I will always put myself ahead of.   That's not wrong, it's normal.  But if OP thought her relationship with her cousins was the former not the latter it's understandable to be disappointed.

I thought it was pretty clear from my posts that I don't think the cousin did anything wrong.  I empathize with how the OP is *feeling* about it because it's understandable, but that doesn't make the cousin's actions wrong.
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SamiHami

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #37 on: June 28, 2015, 07:44:33 PM »
My brother got married on July 1. Our cousin got married the day before. Cousin and the rest of the family live a 17 hour drive from here. The family chose to attend cousin's wedding.C'est la vie...brother would have liked everyone to attend, but he understood and had no hard feelings.

An unintended consequence was that a few years later, when I married, my family all refused to attend because it wouldn't be "fair" because they didn't come to DBs. They thought he'd be upset. He called them and told them that he would love for them to come to my wedding and see everyone, etc. But nope, they didn't come.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

Pooky582

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #38 on: June 29, 2015, 10:08:48 AM »
I'm sorry, OP. I get it. In my opinion, cousin was rude. You just don't plan your wedding the same day as someone else's that you, and many of the same guests, are invited to. You just don't.

I just dealt with this myself. My cousin had her wedding booked for a year before I got engaged. Her date is July 11th 2015. It was a huge part of the reason we ended up getting married over this past Memorial Day weekend. (It being over Memorial Day was actually a coincidence, we didn't realize it was the holiday weekend until after we booked it.)  I knew I wouldn't do my wedding too close to hers, I tried for at least two months separation. It ended up a bit closer than that,  but it was plenty of distance.  It eliminated all of the summer months for me, which I just dealt with. (That was worrisome, too, because we wanted an outdoor ceremony.) I genuinely can't imagine having the nerve to put my wedding on the same day when I already knew about hers. It just doesn't make any sense to me. 

And I don't agree with 'cousins' being a distant enough relative that it shouldn't matter. In my case, I'm very close to my cousins, and probably dozens of people would have had to pick between our wedding and theirs. It doesn't 'only' affect the happy couples. It affects many guests, as well. And just because invitations haven't gone out, doesn't mean the date is up for grabs. I hadn't gotten my cousins invite yet, but they had the hall booked and plans made.  The OP said she has told everyone already. A nice person would know that that date is now off of the table. Cousin was definitely rude and tacky.

rose red

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #39 on: June 29, 2015, 11:56:23 AM »
I'm sorry, OP. I get it. In my opinion, cousin was rude. You just don't plan your wedding the same day as someone else's that you, and many of the same guests, are invited to. You just don't.

Again, the cousin is only inviting immediate family. What if this date only works for her and her groom's families (it does take two people to get married and whose to say he didn't pick the date)? The OP picked the date because relatives from out of town/country will be there anyway. It could be the same with cousin/groom. This is a wedding, not a show. The most important thing is the marriage, not who is there to watch the show. And since the OP called them "selfish" and "these people" it doesn't sound like they are close anyway.

eta: I just read the OP again, and Aunt Emma had to be reminded of the OP's wedding date. So cousin may not even remember the date when she picked hers. We all think we are important, be we're not. Especially to out of state relatives.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2015, 12:06:42 PM by rose red »

lmyrs

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #40 on: June 29, 2015, 12:27:37 PM »
Yeah, the OP had very sound reasons to schedule her wedding on Memorial Day weekend. One of the main ones is that she had out of state guests. The cousin is in the exact same boat. And, she has a fiance who also has a family with a schedule to consider.

What if she had chosen to get married in early June instead? I don't think that the OP could count on the overlap guests to attend anyways since they may have to make a choice of whether to travel for their cousin/niece's wedding or their sister/daughter's. I love my cousins. They're almost like siblings. But if I have to get on a plane to get to one of their weddings and I have to get on a plane to get to my sister's wedding that same summer... well cousin isn't likely to see me at her wedding.


gollymolly2

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #41 on: June 29, 2015, 12:28:05 PM »
It's not even a question of being important. If someone very very important to me sent out an announcement that they were getting married in over a year, I probably wouldn't remember that date. Closer to the event, sure. I could totally understand someone making this honest mistake.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2015, 03:23:19 PM by gollymolly2 »

shhh its me

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #42 on: June 29, 2015, 12:36:07 PM »
I'm sorry, OP. I get it. In my opinion, cousin was rude. You just don't plan your wedding the same day as someone else's that you, and many of the same guests, are invited to. You just don't.

I just dealt with this myself. My cousin had her wedding booked for a year before I got engaged. Her date is July 11th 2015. It was a huge part of the reason we ended up getting married over this past Memorial Day weekend. (It being over Memorial Day was actually a coincidence, we didn't realize it was the holiday weekend until after we booked it.)  I knew I wouldn't do my wedding too close to hers, I tried for at least two months separation. It ended up a bit closer than that,  but it was plenty of distance.  It eliminated all of the summer months for me, which I just dealt with. (That was worrisome, too, because we wanted an outdoor ceremony.) I genuinely can't imagine having the nerve to put my wedding on the same day when I already knew about hers. It just doesn't make any sense to me. 

And I don't agree with 'cousins' being a distant enough relative that it shouldn't matter. In my case, I'm very close to my cousins, and probably dozens of people would have had to pick between our wedding and theirs. It doesn't 'only' affect the happy couples. It affects many guests, as well. And just because invitations haven't gone out, doesn't mean the date is up for grabs. I hadn't gotten my cousins invite yet, but they had the hall booked and plans made.  The OP said she has told everyone already. A nice person would know that that date is now off of the table. Cousin was definitely rude and tacky.

There is no one rule for how close cousins are. I have a lot of cousins........ some I would give a kidney to some I wouldn't recognize if they were siting next to me on a 16 hour flight.

 I'm with you and OP on inconsiderate.....IF cousin remembered the date and if cousin assumed herself , parents and sibling were invited to and planning to attend OP's wedding.   

Even inconsiderate is a little iffy in this case since cousin is inviting 9 people in her family to her wedding (11 guests of OPs I'm assuming cousin and finance were 2 of those guests) I don't really except Brides in general to check the calendars of people who are not even going to be invited.   How did bride know ? Was it "I told my mom , who told my aunt ,who we assume told cousin 6 months ago."/facebook post"  or "I just talked to Cousin last week for a few hours about wedding plans."  Yes, brides mother/siblings should have said "Oh hey me and dad need to go to Mopsy's  wedding that weekend", but again thats IF it was remembered. Also , if Bride even checked with them before picking the date ,she may not have.   It doesn't make it any better but there is a difference between "Bad thing for me, happened to be the best thing for cousin and that really sucks and it hurts and I'm really bummed out" and "Cousin did bad thing to me." 

rigs32

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #43 on: June 29, 2015, 03:10:39 PM »
There's also hundred, if not thousands, of miles between the OP and the cousin also getting married.  Even if cousin had remembered that OP set her date, she may not have been able or willing to make that journey.

OP - I'm curious if you would be just as upset if your cousin RSVPed no.  She's "stealing" a very small number of guests and will be several states away.  Or what if your cousin was graduating from college?  Would you expect her to not walk and for her immediate family to skip her ceremony for yours?  Conflicts happen sometimes in life.  It sounds like you have many people willing to travel and celebrate with you.  Focus on that.

Waltzes with Cacti

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #44 on: June 29, 2015, 03:25:58 PM »
There's some good advice in this this thread so I won't add my two cents.

I was just wondering, though - since this is in the Wedding Guests folder - if anyone else read the tag line "There is an issue with your date..." and assumed it was going to be about a bride who tells a guest that her plus-one is an obnoxious jerk?