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Author Topic: There is an issue with your date...UPDATE page 65  (Read 27794 times)

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HannahGrace

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #45 on: June 29, 2015, 03:29:23 PM »
There's some good advice in this this thread so I won't add my two cents.

I was just wondering, though - since this is in the Wedding Guests folder - if anyone else read the tag line "There is an issue with your date..." and assumed it was going to be about a bride who tells a guest that her plus-one is an obnoxious jerk?

Ha, that was my exact thought!  I was like, wow, what did the date do?!?

LifeOnPluto

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #46 on: June 29, 2015, 10:47:27 PM »
There's some good advice in this this thread so I won't add my two cents.

I was just wondering, though - since this is in the Wedding Guests folder - if anyone else read the tag line "There is an issue with your date..." and assumed it was going to be about a bride who tells a guest that her plus-one is an obnoxious jerk?

Ha, that was my exact thought!  I was like, wow, what did the date do?!?

Yep, I thought it was going to be about someone not being allowed to bring their partner or something!

Margo

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #47 on: June 30, 2015, 08:56:05 AM »
It's not even a question of being important. If someone very very important to me sent out an announcement that they were getting married in over a year, I probably wouldn't remember that date. Closer to the event, sure. I could totally understand someone making this honest mistake.

Me too. And while I would probably remember to check before planning something else, if I was intending to go to the wedding, I am pretty good at remembering dates etc - I know a lot of people are not.

I agree that if cousin deliberately set out to have her wedding on the same day as OP then that was not a nice thing to do, but I can absolutely see that if you are planning a small, intimate wedding and trying to be considerate of your own closest family then you could very easily pick a holiday weekend because it gives people a better chance of being able to come, as they are less likely to have to work, and could very easily overlook the clashing event planned by someone who is not one of your guests, even where you knew about that event in advance. Also, you only have 2nd or 3rd hand information about this. For all you know, cousin had remembered, and was planning to let you know and explain, but has been pre-empted by her mum.

I'm sorry for your disappointment, and I think your mum and aunt could both have handled this differently, but I don't think your cousin has done anything wrong; she wasn't rude, even if she remembered that your wedding was the same day, and it seems most likely that she simply overlooked it.

It's not unreasonable for your to feel hurt or upset, but it would be inappropriate to express that to your cousin.

Lynn2000

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #48 on: June 30, 2015, 09:22:34 AM »
I agree with Margo. I think the mom and aunt handled the situation poorly and stirred up a lot more drama and bad feeling than was necessary. If they had been more thoughtful and considerate about how they conveyed the information, I doubt the OP would be as upset as she is now, and might have had a lot better understanding of her cousin's position. Instead, Aunt comes off like she feels her daughter has done something wrong, and now she needs to give a bunch of excuses for it.
~Lynn2000

Sophia

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #49 on: June 30, 2015, 09:32:01 AM »
To wait to say anything until after receiving an invitation would be too late.  The damage is done, and I don't mean the damage of choosing the date, I mean the damage of the message. 

Choosing the same date (I think the distinction between an invitation and a save the date is meaningless for this situation) says "We don't care about attending your wedding and we don't care about you or your family attending mine."  If that's not the case, because it's just impossible to avoid for some reason, then you need to get that across somehow at the same time, not just leave the tacit "we don't care ..." hanging out there unmitigated.

I couldn't place why it bothered me, and this is it. 


Hmmmmm

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #50 on: June 30, 2015, 09:40:10 AM »
To wait to say anything until after receiving an invitation would be too late.  The damage is done, and I don't mean the damage of choosing the date, I mean the damage of the message. 

Choosing the same date (I think the distinction between an invitation and a save the date is meaningless for this situation) says "We don't care about attending your wedding and we don't care about you or your family attending mine."  If that's not the case, because it's just impossible to avoid for some reason, then you need to get that across somehow at the same time, not just leave the tacit "we don't care ..." hanging out there unmitigated.

I couldn't place why it bothered me, and this is it.
Well, in fairness the cousin didn't plan for the OP and her family to attend her wedding. 

To me the real damage is the fact that the cousin's mother and siblings live in the same state as the OP and the probability of them attending her wedding was most likely high.   It really could have slipped the aunt's mind when her DD called to let her know the date that the family already had a wedding planned for that same weekend. I think it's unfortunate that it seems to be the OP's Aunt who's being put in the worst position...having to come up with excuses on why cousin didn't think that the family would want to attend the OP's wedding.

Wordgeek

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #51 on: June 30, 2015, 11:37:42 AM »
RedneckGravy, I've deleted two unnecessarily abrasive & judgmental posts from you. Either post civilly or not at all.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #52 on: June 30, 2015, 11:58:59 AM »
OP I understand your frustration, you planned your wedding and sent out STD's (I assume including this cousin).

STD's are not orders, they are requests. 

For cousin to schedule the same date is not rude. There may be very valid reasons why they have to have that date - perhaps fiancee's family has issues with other dates as well.  A farm may not be a public venue but that does not make it as available as you may think, I know a number of farmers and ranchers that refuse to make any plans during planting/reaping/roundup or lambing/calving season. 

And unless cousin has made previous bad acts, I don't think it is fair to accuse her of doing it to deliberately cause drama.   

Wordgeek

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #53 on: June 30, 2015, 12:37:56 PM »
RedneckGravy, that's an improvement over your previous attempts.  An apology for your condescending use of "dear" would have been a nice addition.

Next time, do what's appropriate without mod intervention.

gramma dishes

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #54 on: June 30, 2015, 01:03:04 PM »
There's some good advice in this this thread so I won't add my two cents.

I was just wondering, though - since this is in the Wedding Guests folder - if anyone else read the tag line "There is an issue with your date..." and assumed it was going to be about a bride who tells a guest that her plus-one is an obnoxious jerk?

Ha, that was my exact thought!  I was like, wow, what did the date do?!?

"... an issue with your date ..."  Like those above, I thought it was going to be something like a guest bringing a +1 who had been stalking the bride for years or something!  Or the bride's ex-husband.

gellchom

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #55 on: June 30, 2015, 03:17:03 PM »
OP I understand your frustration, you planned your wedding and sent out STD's (I assume including this cousin).

STD's are not orders, they are requests. 

For cousin to schedule the same date is not rude. There may be very valid reasons why they have to have that date - perhaps fiancee's family has issues with other dates as well.  A farm may not be a public venue but that does not make it as available as you may think, I know a number of farmers and ranchers that refuse to make any plans during planting/reaping/roundup or lambing/calving season. 

And unless cousin has made previous bad acts, I don't think it is fair to accuse her of doing it to deliberately cause drama.

That is all quite reasonable.

Many of us take issue with how Cousin and Aunt handled the decision, though.

Even if a confict like this arose out of a real emergency -- imminent deployment; grandparent, parent, or even bride or groom on deathbed or about to undergo risky surgery or chemo; etc. -- of the type that anyone could understand and sympathize with, it still calls for some gesture acknowledging that it is creating a conflict, apologizing for the unavoidable but nevertheless unfortunate conflict, and expressing regret that you won't be able to be at each other's weddings.  Why not?  You aren't saying you were wrong or rude, just acknowledging that the conflict creates inconvenience and disappointment. 

That costs nothing.  But it makes the other people involved feel valued and respected.  So I think that's where the biggest fail was here. 

But if there really wasn't some compelling reason making it difficult to schedule the wedding another time, then I do think Cousin made a poor choice as well as communicating it poorly.

Mary Lennox

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #56 on: June 30, 2015, 03:29:29 PM »
But if there really wasn't some compelling reason making it difficult to schedule the wedding another time, then I do think Cousin made a poor choice as well as communicating it poorly.

But we don't know how Cousin would have communicated it. The Aunt brought it up. There hasn't been any communication between the two brides and there's no indication that Cousin had been sitting on this date decision for a while.

The information came to light on during a phone call on Aunt's birthday. Who's to say this was all decided earlier that day and the Cousin thought she would have more than 12 hours before the news got out to call OP and let her know directly?

HannahGrace

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #57 on: June 30, 2015, 03:50:39 PM »
But if there really wasn't some compelling reason making it difficult to schedule the wedding another time, then I do think Cousin made a poor choice as well as communicating it poorly.

But we don't know how Cousin would have communicated it. The Aunt brought it up. There hasn't been any communication between the two brides and there's no indication that Cousin had been sitting on this date decision for a while.

The information came to light on during a phone call on Aunt's birthday. Who's to say this was all decided earlier that day and the Cousin thought she would have more than 12 hours before the news got out to call OP and let her know directly?

Very good point. It's not like the OP got an invitation in the mail with no heads-up. In any case, I don't think the cousin herself has done anything wrong.

Vall

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #58 on: June 30, 2015, 04:29:24 PM »
According to the original post, the aunt didn't seem to remember that the OP was getting married then too.  I can't say that they handled it wrongly when they didn't even remember.  I doubt that I would remember an out-of-state cousin's wedding date that was almost a year away.

I really don't think that anyone was being rude.

VorFemme

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Re: There is an issue with your date...
« Reply #59 on: June 30, 2015, 04:42:03 PM »
There's some good advice in this this thread so I won't add my two cents.

I was just wondering, though - since this is in the Wedding Guests folder - if anyone else read the tag line "There is an issue with your date..." and assumed it was going to be about a bride who tells a guest that her plus-one is an obnoxious jerk?

Ha, that was my exact thought!  I was like, wow, what did the date do?!?

Yep, I thought it was going to be about someone not being allowed to bring their partner or something!

I thought it was going to be the venue that was double booked!
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?