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Author Topic: Friend admonishing my child  (Read 77605 times)

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MariaE

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #75 on: July 29, 2015, 03:15:29 PM »
I am somewhat surprised at the responses on this. I wouldn't think twice if someone's child did this in front of me; I certainly wouldn't read it as possessiveness or a deliberate attempt to pull the parent's focus.

Nor would I. And I'm not a parent myself.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Hmmmmm

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #76 on: July 29, 2015, 04:01:40 PM »
The chin-resting thing happened several months ago. Friend was over for dinner and we were sitting around the table afterward talking. DD excused herself, went and got ready for bed, then came back in to say goodnight. As I was talking, DD came up behind my chair, put her hands on my shoulders, and rested her chin on my shoulder and waited for me to finish talking. I should also mention that I taught DD as a toddler that when the adults are conversing, she is to get my attention by some non-verbal cue like holding my hand - NOT tug on my hem and say "Mom! Mom! Mom! MOM!" to get my attention.

Friend then said "DD, stop draping yourself all over your mother." And I said something like "she's fine, she was just letting me know she's there" and said goodnight and DD went off to bed.

Again, I think the chin-resting is something Friend would probably be annoyed by. But 1) I didn't appreciate her making an assumption about MY feelings, 2) I didn't like her icky choice of words to describe an innocent gesture, 3) If it DID bother me, I'm perfectly capable of expressing that for myself, and 4) as another poster pointed out, adolescent affection is elusive and unreliable as it is; I don't need anyone doing me the "favor" of discouraging it.

I am somewhat surprised at the responses on this. I wouldn't think twice if someone's child did this in front of me; I certainly wouldn't read it as possessiveness or a deliberate attempt to pull the parent's focus.
I think that's because we each read descriptions of events differently. In your above description I wouldn't attribute possessiveness necessarily. But in your original post I envisioned a teen sitting next to you on a sofa with her chin lodge on you for a significant period of time. I've seen that behavior a few times.

Oh Joy

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #77 on: July 29, 2015, 04:24:18 PM »
I think a good stock phrase to use with this friend is, "Are you trying to help me or overrule me?"  Of course, she'll say she's trying to help, and you can respond, "Oh.  But I want her to do ABC," and then slide right back into the previous conversation.


nolechica

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #78 on: July 29, 2015, 07:32:00 PM »
Could it be that Friend thinks DD is too old to need to be included?  That it was find when it was go out to lunch w/DD or use lunch $ on babysitter? But now that DD could stay home alone, Friend really wishes she would?

It's not friend's place to decide when OP's DD should stay home alone.  Did you miss the part where the OP and her DD already had this outing planned and were inviting the friend along?  If she "wishes DD would stay home", she is free to decline the invitation but it would be extremely rude to expect OP to disinvite her daughter.

I find that in these threads some people twist themselves in knots to blame the situation on the child or the child's presence.  Take away the fact that she is 13 for a second.  If I call and invite you to join my friend Sally and I for lunch, and it's clear that Sally has already been invited, do you get to "wish that Sally would stay home" and make that clear by being rude to Sally at the lunch?  Of course not, that's just obnoxious and rude.  Your choices at that point are to decline the invitation or accept and be polite to Sally.  If you would like to hang out with me and not Sally in the future, you can invite me only.  (Which the OP has already explained that she does not bring her DD along uninvited).  Really, it's like OP can't win here.  People are suggesting that she leave her DD home every single time that she sees this friend, on the off chance that friend doesn't like teenagers, even though friend has never said anything like that.  That is just unreasonable.

Friend is being rude, and whether or not she likes teenagers doesn't come into play here.  If you don't like teenagers, don't accept invitations when you know teenagers are included.  That's on you.

No, I didn't miss the invite setup nor do I think Friend isn't being rude.  I still think Friend might have been forgiving of a little kid but now doesn't want to with a teen though. And why she's being rude would impact what I advised the OP to say.

Onyx_TKD

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #79 on: July 29, 2015, 07:49:22 PM »
Could it be that Friend thinks DD is too old to need to be included?  That it was find when it was go out to lunch w/DD or use lunch $ on babysitter? But now that DD could stay home alone, Friend really wishes she would?

It's not friend's place to decide when OP's DD should stay home alone.  Did you miss the part where the OP and her DD already had this outing planned and were inviting the friend along?  If she "wishes DD would stay home", she is free to decline the invitation but it would be extremely rude to expect OP to disinvite her daughter.

I find that in these threads some people twist themselves in knots to blame the situation on the child or the child's presence.  Take away the fact that she is 13 for a second.  If I call and invite you to join my friend Sally and I for lunch, and it's clear that Sally has already been invited, do you get to "wish that Sally would stay home" and make that clear by being rude to Sally at the lunch?  Of course not, that's just obnoxious and rude.  Your choices at that point are to decline the invitation or accept and be polite to Sally.  If you would like to hang out with me and not Sally in the future, you can invite me only.  (Which the OP has already explained that she does not bring her DD along uninvited).  Really, it's like OP can't win here.  People are suggesting that she leave her DD home every single time that she sees this friend, on the off chance that friend doesn't like teenagers, even though friend has never said anything like that.  That is just unreasonable.

Friend is being rude, and whether or not she likes teenagers doesn't come into play here.  If you don't like teenagers, don't accept invitations when you know teenagers are included.  That's on you.

No, I didn't miss the invite setup nor do I think Friend isn't being rude.  I still think Friend might have been forgiving of a little kid but now doesn't want to with a teen though. And why she's being rude would impact what I advised the OP to say.

"Forgiving" her for what? Existing?  ??? The OP's DD is behaving (obeying her mom) and Friend has complete control over whether to spend time with her, since DD does not come along unless invited and Friend is told in advance if she is invited to join plans OP and DD have together. What is there to forgive?

nolechica

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #80 on: July 29, 2015, 07:54:53 PM »
Could it be that Friend thinks DD is too old to need to be included?  That it was find when it was go out to lunch w/DD or use lunch $ on babysitter? But now that DD could stay home alone, Friend really wishes she would?

It's not friend's place to decide when OP's DD should stay home alone.  Did you miss the part where the OP and her DD already had this outing planned and were inviting the friend along?  If she "wishes DD would stay home", she is free to decline the invitation but it would be extremely rude to expect OP to disinvite her daughter.

I find that in these threads some people twist themselves in knots to blame the situation on the child or the child's presence.  Take away the fact that she is 13 for a second.  If I call and invite you to join my friend Sally and I for lunch, and it's clear that Sally has already been invited, do you get to "wish that Sally would stay home" and make that clear by being rude to Sally at the lunch?  Of course not, that's just obnoxious and rude.  Your choices at that point are to decline the invitation or accept and be polite to Sally.  If you would like to hang out with me and not Sally in the future, you can invite me only.  (Which the OP has already explained that she does not bring her DD along uninvited).  Really, it's like OP can't win here.  People are suggesting that she leave her DD home every single time that she sees this friend, on the off chance that friend doesn't like teenagers, even though friend has never said anything like that.  That is just unreasonable.

Friend is being rude, and whether or not she likes teenagers doesn't come into play here.  If you don't like teenagers, don't accept invitations when you know teenagers are included.  That's on you.

No, I didn't miss the invite setup nor do I think Friend isn't being rude.  I still think Friend might have been forgiving of a little kid but now doesn't want to with a teen though. And why she's being rude would impact what I advised the OP to say.

"Forgiving" her for what? Existing?  ??? The OP's DD is behaving (obeying her mom) and Friend has complete control over whether to spend time with her, since DD does not come along unless invited and Friend is told in advance if she is invited to join plans OP and DD have together. What is there to forgive?

Forgiving of behavior Friend views as childish.  Not the food incidents necessarily, but the wading in the creek or chin on shoulder.

sammycat

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #81 on: July 29, 2015, 09:10:24 PM »
I am somewhat surprised at the responses on this. I wouldn't think twice if someone's child did this in front of me; I certainly wouldn't read it as possessiveness or a deliberate attempt to pull the parent's focus.

Nor would I. And I'm not a parent myself.

I wouldn't think twice about it either, and I am a parent. Come to think of it, I've seen this behaviour happen more with 2 adults than with a child doing it, so if Friend thinks this is 'childish' behaviour she needs to think again.

sammycat

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #82 on: July 29, 2015, 09:19:18 PM »
I think sometimes, particularly on a discussion board, people try to come up with explanations for rude behavior not because they are trying to excuse it, but because understanding the root cause of it can sometimes help with making it go away. And/or knowing what's really going on helps someone decide how they want to react to it.


That's one way of looking at it but when people post only things like "perhaps you should leave your kid home" or "could it be that she doesn't want to hang out with a teenager" without addressing the rudeness of the friend at all, that sure sounds like excusing rudeness to my ears.

You are right though that knowing the reason would help the OP know how to move forward. 

I just think people are jumping to one possible reason with no real evidence to back that up. 

If I found out that my friend never wanted to be in the same room as my child, that would in fact help me proceed.  If I were a single mother with limited time to see my child, I would not stop taking my child out for breakfast nor would I cut that back really.  I would just stop inviting friend.  Especially since OP has already clarified that she sees friend plenty without her child.  It's not like she is never willing to do childfree outings. 

I think other explanations are more likely however. 

The way I would proceed without knowing the reasons would be to ask friend, in private, to stop correcting my child when I have already specifically allowed a certain behavior.  The door is then open for friend to try to explain her reasons if she wishes but I think jumping to "you obviously just don't want my child there" would be way over the top and not the right way to handle the issue.

I agree, especially with the bolded. I personally don't think it has anything to do with the daughter or her age at all. IMO it's all down to Friend wanting to exert her authority over someone else in the misguided belief that her way is the only way. I think she's just plain rude, and trying to blame the daughter for simply being present or for her (totally normal and acceptable) actions is blaming the victim.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #83 on: July 29, 2015, 09:20:22 PM »
Could it be that Friend thinks DD is too old to need to be included?  That it was find when it was go out to lunch w/DD or use lunch $ on babysitter? But now that DD could stay home alone, Friend really wishes she would?

It's not friend's place to decide when OP's DD should stay home alone.  Did you miss the part where the OP and her DD already had this outing planned and were inviting the friend along?  If she "wishes DD would stay home", she is free to decline the invitation but it would be extremely rude to expect OP to disinvite her daughter.

I find that in these threads some people twist themselves in knots to blame the situation on the child or the child's presence.  Take away the fact that she is 13 for a second.  If I call and invite you to join my friend Sally and I for lunch, and it's clear that Sally has already been invited, do you get to "wish that Sally would stay home" and make that clear by being rude to Sally at the lunch?  Of course not, that's just obnoxious and rude.  Your choices at that point are to decline the invitation or accept and be polite to Sally.  If you would like to hang out with me and not Sally in the future, you can invite me only.  (Which the OP has already explained that she does not bring her DD along uninvited).  Really, it's like OP can't win here.  People are suggesting that she leave her DD home every single time that she sees this friend, on the off chance that friend doesn't like teenagers, even though friend has never said anything like that.  That is just unreasonable.

Friend is being rude, and whether or not she likes teenagers doesn't come into play here.  If you don't like teenagers, don't accept invitations when you know teenagers are included.  That's on you.

No, I didn't miss the invite setup nor do I think Friend isn't being rude.  I still think Friend might have been forgiving of a little kid but now doesn't want to with a teen though. And why she's being rude would impact what I advised the OP to say.

"Forgiving" her for what? Existing?  ??? The OP's DD is behaving (obeying her mom) and Friend has complete control over whether to spend time with her, since DD does not come along unless invited and Friend is told in advance if she is invited to join plans OP and DD have together. What is there to forgive?

Forgiving of behavior Friend views as childish.  Not the food incidents necessarily, but the wading in the creek or chin on shoulder.

The word forgiving bothers me.  There is nothing to forgive.  DD has not done anything wrong. 


If friend would rather not hang out with DD, that's fine.  But friend needs to say no when she is invited to specifically socialize with OP and DD.  But to accept an invitation that expressly includes DD and then treat DD so rudely is beyond the pale. OP and her DD have a specific way of communicating with one another.  There is no right or wrong involved.  If friend doesn't like it, then friend can make the decision to remove herself from the situation or limit interaction with OP and DD
« Last Edit: July 29, 2015, 09:25:51 PM by PastryGoddess »

nolechica

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #84 on: July 29, 2015, 10:07:17 PM »
Could it be that Friend thinks DD is too old to need to be included?  That it was find when it was go out to lunch w/DD or use lunch $ on babysitter? But now that DD could stay home alone, Friend really wishes she would?

It's not friend's place to decide when OP's DD should stay home alone.  Did you miss the part where the OP and her DD already had this outing planned and were inviting the friend along?  If she "wishes DD would stay home", she is free to decline the invitation but it would be extremely rude to expect OP to disinvite her daughter.

I find that in these threads some people twist themselves in knots to blame the situation on the child or the child's presence.  Take away the fact that she is 13 for a second.  If I call and invite you to join my friend Sally and I for lunch, and it's clear that Sally has already been invited, do you get to "wish that Sally would stay home" and make that clear by being rude to Sally at the lunch?  Of course not, that's just obnoxious and rude.  Your choices at that point are to decline the invitation or accept and be polite to Sally.  If you would like to hang out with me and not Sally in the future, you can invite me only.  (Which the OP has already explained that she does not bring her DD along uninvited).  Really, it's like OP can't win here.  People are suggesting that she leave her DD home every single time that she sees this friend, on the off chance that friend doesn't like teenagers, even though friend has never said anything like that.  That is just unreasonable.

Friend is being rude, and whether or not she likes teenagers doesn't come into play here.  If you don't like teenagers, don't accept invitations when you know teenagers are included.  That's on you.

No, I didn't miss the invite setup nor do I think Friend isn't being rude.  I still think Friend might have been forgiving of a little kid but now doesn't want to with a teen though. And why she's being rude would impact what I advised the OP to say.

"Forgiving" her for what? Existing?  ??? The OP's DD is behaving (obeying her mom) and Friend has complete control over whether to spend time with her, since DD does not come along unless invited and Friend is told in advance if she is invited to join plans OP and DD have together. What is there to forgive?

Forgiving of behavior Friend views as childish.  Not the food incidents necessarily, but the wading in the creek or chin on shoulder.

The word forgiving bothers me.  There is nothing to forgive.  DD has not done anything wrong. 


If friend would rather not hang out with DD, that's fine.  But friend needs to say no when she is invited to specifically socialize with OP and DD.  But to accept an invitation that expressly includes DD and then treat DD so rudely is beyond the pale. OP and her DD have a specific way of communicating with one another.  There is no right or wrong involved.  If friend doesn't like it, then friend can make the decision to remove herself from the situation or limit interaction with OP and DD

I don't think Friend should have ever accepted in invite either. Especially if she doesn't like DD's behavior or presence, whatever the issue is.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #85 on: July 29, 2015, 10:14:40 PM »
The chin-resting thing happened several months ago. Friend was over for dinner and we were sitting around the table afterward talking. DD excused herself, went and got ready for bed, then came back in to say goodnight. As I was talking, DD came up behind my chair, put her hands on my shoulders, and rested her chin on my shoulder and waited for me to finish talking. I should also mention that I taught DD as a toddler that when the adults are conversing, she is to get my attention by some non-verbal cue like holding my hand - NOT tug on my hem and say "Mom! Mom! Mom! MOM!" to get my attention.

Friend then said "DD, stop draping yourself all over your mother." And I said something like "she's fine, she was just letting me know she's there" and said goodnight and DD went off to bed.

Again, I think the chin-resting is something Friend would probably be annoyed by. But 1) I didn't appreciate her making an assumption about MY feelings, 2) I didn't like her icky choice of words to describe an innocent gesture, 3) If it DID bother me, I'm perfectly capable of expressing that for myself, and 4) as another poster pointed out, adolescent affection is elusive and unreliable as it is; I don't need anyone doing me the "favor" of discouraging it.

I am somewhat surprised at the responses on this. I wouldn't think twice if someone's child did this in front of me; I certainly wouldn't read it as possessiveness or a deliberate attempt to pull the parent's focus.

Ah, that changes my feelings. The chin resting was totally understandable if DD was in her own home, and wanted to say goodnight to you. I was picturing it happening in a café or other public place, with DD leaning right in to rest her chin on your shoulder, for minutes on end.

English1

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #86 on: July 30, 2015, 12:17:40 AM »
I think I would stop bothering to invite her along to join you both, and enjoy the time with my daughter. You've got very little time left for all this before she is grown up, don't let someone else mar it. Your daughter sounds lovely and her behaviour very normal. Actually I'm nearly 50 and I went wading up a stream a couple of weeks ago! Having fun, showing affection, and sharing food with permission is not naughty.

Just see friend on her own. She sounds like a real fun-sucker in anything other than very formal contexts. She doesn't do informal. Ok, so enjoy formal time with her.

Danika

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #87 on: July 30, 2015, 01:21:20 AM »
I agree with English1.

Were I in your DD's position, I would have been sad that my mother-daughter time was being usurped by someone else. And I would have been hurt that we already had plans and you invited one of your friends along to join. A friend who insults me and is condescending and bossy whenever she's around.

bonyk

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #88 on: July 30, 2015, 06:25:49 AM »
I think for some people, kids just make their inner bossy-control freak come out. I have a few relatives who have tried this with my kids. I just say, "She is allowed to hug me/eat my food whenever she wants." If Bossy keeps it up, we start spending less time with him/her.

miranova

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Re: Friend admonishing my child
« Reply #89 on: July 30, 2015, 09:20:23 AM »
Could it be that Friend thinks DD is too old to need to be included?  That it was find when it was go out to lunch w/DD or use lunch $ on babysitter? But now that DD could stay home alone, Friend really wishes she would?

It's not friend's place to decide when OP's DD should stay home alone.  Did you miss the part where the OP and her DD already had this outing planned and were inviting the friend along?  If she "wishes DD would stay home", she is free to decline the invitation but it would be extremely rude to expect OP to disinvite her daughter.

I find that in these threads some people twist themselves in knots to blame the situation on the child or the child's presence.  Take away the fact that she is 13 for a second.  If I call and invite you to join my friend Sally and I for lunch, and it's clear that Sally has already been invited, do you get to "wish that Sally would stay home" and make that clear by being rude to Sally at the lunch?  Of course not, that's just obnoxious and rude.  Your choices at that point are to decline the invitation or accept and be polite to Sally.  If you would like to hang out with me and not Sally in the future, you can invite me only.  (Which the OP has already explained that she does not bring her DD along uninvited).  Really, it's like OP can't win here.  People are suggesting that she leave her DD home every single time that she sees this friend, on the off chance that friend doesn't like teenagers, even though friend has never said anything like that.  That is just unreasonable.

Friend is being rude, and whether or not she likes teenagers doesn't come into play here.  If you don't like teenagers, don't accept invitations when you know teenagers are included.  That's on you.

No, I didn't miss the invite setup nor do I think Friend isn't being rude.  I still think Friend might have been forgiving of a little kid but now doesn't want to with a teen though. And why she's being rude would impact what I advised the OP to say.

"Forgiving" her for what? Existing?  ??? The OP's DD is behaving (obeying her mom) and Friend has complete control over whether to spend time with her, since DD does not come along unless invited and Friend is told in advance if she is invited to join plans OP and DD have together. What is there to forgive?

Forgiving of behavior Friend views as childish.  Not the food incidents necessarily, but the wading in the creek or chin on shoulder.

I have to laugh at this just a little.  If children aren't allowed to be childish, who is?

I also agree with a previous poster that there is nothing to forgive as DD didn't do anything wrong.  Perhaps it's just semantics and you didn't mean forgive literally, but to me it implies wrong doing of some sort. 
« Last Edit: July 30, 2015, 09:38:21 AM by miranova »