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Author Topic: Dealing with a rude family member who genuinely cannot help it  (Read 8848 times)

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bopper

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Re: Dealing with a rude family member who genuinely cannot help it
« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2015, 01:49:38 PM »
1) Really really try not to take it personally.    (this is hard!!)
2) If your daughter is around then explain how Grandma will just say whatever pops into her head and does not think if it is necessary or kind to say.
3) Figure out how much you can put up with...with whom is your mom living?  Maybe it shouldn't be in your home. Maybe visits to a nursing home are better.
4) Find a support group (e.g., http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp)

Semperviren

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Re: Dealing with a rude family member who genuinely cannot help it
« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2015, 11:34:17 AM »
Many thanks for the replies. This week is better (these things seem to go in waves somewhat). We are getting ready to move mom into my home, where we will have part-time caregivers for her, but this means I will be spending more time with her, so I will need to find ways to cope with these moments. My daughter actually has a better handle on all this than I do, and has been able to internalize "this really isn't Gramma, it's the disease" much more readily.

CrabbyAppleton

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Re: Dealing with a rude family member who genuinely cannot help it
« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2015, 03:31:53 PM »
There's a great book called The 36-Hour Day.  It helped me a lot when I was going through this same kind of stuff with my Dad.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2015, 03:36:31 PM by CrabbyAppleton »
A good friend is like a good bra...  Hard to find, comfortable, supportive, and always close to my heart.

TootsNYC

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Re: Dealing with a rude family member who genuinely cannot help it
« Reply #18 on: August 21, 2015, 03:34:41 PM »
When kids are being treated for OCD, one tactic is the "Talk Back to OCD" one: they have the child give the OCD urges a name: The OCD Monster, or something else.

and then when the urge to wash their hands comes, the child (and parents, etc.) can identify this as something apart from the child--an urge that is not the true child. Adn talk back to it.

You don't need to "talk back," but it might help you to identify the rudeness as "something that's not Mom." Maybe even give it a name. Then you can mentally say, "Ah, there goes the Senility Monster again," and it might be easier to not take things personally. It might help you distance yourself from that, and retain your view of your mother as someone who wouldn't actually say those things.

VorFemme

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Re: Dealing with a rude family member who genuinely cannot help it
« Reply #19 on: August 21, 2015, 04:41:52 PM »
"Granny A" as opposed to "Mom" or "Grandmother", perhaps?

Or the name of the single  most unpleasant fictional character that you can think of?  "Granny Jar-Jar" come to mind...or the character from Picket Fences who was going through the same battle withAlzheimer's - I remember him shown "sundowning" while obsessively riding a rocking horse - gray hair & all (I have no memory of how old the character was supposed to be).
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

Arila

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Re: Dealing with a rude family member who genuinely cannot help it
« Reply #20 on: August 21, 2015, 05:10:26 PM »
"Granny A" as opposed to "Mom" or "Grandmother", perhaps?

Or the name of the single  most unpleasant fictional character that you can think of?  "Granny Jar-Jar" come to mind...or the character from Picket Fences who was going through the same battle withAlzheimer's - I remember him shown "sundowning" while obsessively riding a rocking horse - gray hair & all (I have no memory of how old the character was supposed to be).

I like the idea of maybe using another name for her separate from the more affectionate one used earlier in life (Mom vs. Mother vs. her first name) to help to mentally separate the two almost completely different people and preserve the good feelings and memories. I am not sure that going all the way to something not at all her name and further associated with something unpleasant would be healthy, though.



I'm a big fan of using mental games or tricks to get myself through laugh or cry kinds of situations. Sort of like those conference call bingo games  where you keep track of how many times someone was "multitasking" instead of being ready to answer a question or how many times someone uses a corporate buzzword like synergy etc. You can make your own list, and every time she does 5 or 10 or whatever, you get to treat yourself to a massage or splurgy coffee or a new book or an extra afternoon of elder care. Make the negative aspects balance with positive things you do for yourself. And if you're focusing in a more dispassionate, transactional way about whats going on, you can dull the sharpness of the negative emotions coming out of the effects of your mother's illness.

VorFemme

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Re: Dealing with a rude family member who genuinely cannot help it
« Reply #21 on: August 21, 2015, 06:11:03 PM »
"Granny A" as opposed to "Mom" or "Grandmother", perhaps?

Or the name of the single  most unpleasant fictional character that you can think of?  "Granny Jar-Jar" come to mind...or the character from Picket Fences who was going through the same battle withAlzheimer's - I remember him shown "sundowning" while obsessively riding a rocking horse - gray hair & all (I have no memory of how old the character was supposed to be).

I like the idea of maybe using another name for her separate from the more affectionate one used earlier in life (Mom vs. Mother vs. her first name) to help to mentally separate the two almost completely different people and preserve the good feelings and memories. I am not sure that going all the way to something not at all her name and further associated with something unpleasant would be healthy, though.



I'm a big fan of using mental games or tricks to get myself through laugh or cry kinds of situations. Sort of like those conference call bingo games  where you keep track of how many times someone was "multitasking" instead of being ready to answer a question or how many times someone uses a corporate buzzword like synergy etc. You can make your own list, and every time she does 5 or 10 or whatever, you get to treat yourself to a massage or splurgy coffee or a new book or an extra afternoon of elder care. Make the negative aspects balance with positive things you do for yourself. And if you're focusing in a more dispassionate, transactional way about whats going on, you can dull the sharpness of the negative emotions coming out of the effects of your mother's illness.

My idea was more that this is a "character" that looks like your loved one - but it isn't your loved one.  It's the disease - acting like some other person in your loved one's body & mind (as things progress).  Maternal grandmother went through the process of loosing herself...
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

TootsNYC

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Re: Dealing with a rude family member who genuinely cannot help it
« Reply #22 on: August 21, 2015, 10:53:41 PM »
"Granny A" as opposed to "Mom" or "Grandmother", perhaps?

Or the name of the single  most unpleasant fictional character that you can think of?  "Granny Jar-Jar" come to mind...or the character from Picket Fences who was going through the same battle withAlzheimer's - I remember him shown "sundowning" while obsessively riding a rocking horse - gray hair & all (I have no memory of how old the character was supposed to be).

I like the idea of maybe using another name for her separate from the more affectionate one used earlier in life (Mom vs. Mother vs. her first name) to help to mentally separate the two almost completely different people and preserve the good feelings and memories. I am not sure that going all the way to something not at all her name and further associated with something unpleasant would be healthy, though.

'I would actually not use a personal name at all (like Granny A or any other Mom-like name you'd use for a person.); I would use a totally non-person name, to make it clear it's not an aspect of her, but some external thing that isn't her, or any other human being, at all.


It's a disorder, a disease of sorts. Not a person.
Because the point is to not take this personally.
Not just "it's not aimed at you personally" but also "it's not being done by a person."