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  • November 21, 2017, 11:53:54 PM

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Author Topic: Gift for someone who didn't gift  (Read 7029 times)

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sammycat

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Re: Gift for someone who didn't gift
« Reply #15 on: August 18, 2015, 10:38:56 PM »
I have a slightly different perspective.

It's possible that your mother was pretty hurt that she wasn't invited to your wedding. I know your intentions were to not inconvenience anyone by asking them to travel, but travelling to my daughter's wedding isn't something I would consider an inconvenience or annoying expense. It would be a pleasure, and I would like to have been given the choice.

Even if you were upfront about the elopement, ad no-one said anything, your mother's feelings might have been really hurt. It's even possible that she thought she was doing the right thing - you indicated by eloping that you weren't wanting a huge celebration - perhaps she thought that as part of that, you didn't want gifts either.

You had every right to the wedding you wanted, and hurt feelings aren't an excuse to not send a card, but it might have been you who inadvertently 'launched the first missile' here, so to speak.

I would send her a nice card and whatever gift you feel she would like.

I agree.

I probably wouldn't travel too far for a friend or other relative's wedding, but for my own child, I'd go to the ends of the earth, and would be very hurt if they didn't want me there.

Alicia

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Re: Gift for someone who didn't gift
« Reply #16 on: August 18, 2015, 10:46:30 PM »
E loping says you do not want them to celebrate your wedding with you so as gifts are a celebration you basically asked for no gifts by eloping. 
By contrast your mom wants you to attend. You can not so yes you should send a gift in celebration. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Gift for someone who didn't gift
« Reply #17 on: August 18, 2015, 11:16:15 PM »
Actually, gifts aren't technically "required by Etiquette" if a person is not invited to the wedding.

And there is no etiquette about requiring cards.


I would say: Model for your mother how people should behave in this situation: send a gift and card with a personalized note.

VorFemme

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Re: Gift for someone who didn't gift
« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2015, 09:12:20 AM »
I'd send something personal as a gift for your mother and a card for the couple.

It doesn't have to be super expensive - but something that she'll be able to tell that you put more than a little thought into getting a gift just for her on this ocassion (her wedding). 

She is your mother and you might want to show her that she's still your mother and will always have a place in your heart, even as she moves on into her new life with her new husband.


Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

Jonesy

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Re: Gift for someone who didn't gift
« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2015, 09:21:23 AM »
Wow, thanks everyone for all of your comments and views.
To all that mentioned that my mom may have wanted to attend- before we had decided to 'elope' she told me she couldn't afford to come unless it was local to her. Now, this may have been her way of saying 'I want you to have your wedding here and nowhere else' but really I know she couldn't afford it and I still don't think it would be fair to expect DH's family to afford to travel because my family couldn't.
But anyway, I digress :oD
I think because of our slightly odd relationship and the fact that I don't really know her fiance at all I would feel comfortable sending money with a card wishing that they would use it to do something nice as a married couple.
Pretty sure my brother has sorted his gift certificate so that's out of the question.
Vorfemme- that is an excellent idea but I feel that might be taken as a slight against her husband. I've been given the hint that he thinks I'm not keen on him- though I've only met him about 3 times and don't *think* I've ever given that impression. I think it might be dangerous terriroty. Might be something I consider doing privately next time I see my mom.

Thanks again for all the replies everyone!

gellchom

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Re: Gift for someone who didn't gift
« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2015, 11:53:22 AM »
The subject line of this string made me think it was going to be a friend's wedding, not someone as close as one's own parent -- does etiquette excuse you, as a guest, from giving a wedding gift to someone who attended your wedding but didn't give you one, or is it okay not to give one even if it is required so as not to embarrass them, or something like that.

In my opinion, once you're into parent and child territory, not to mention elopement and disappointment, it's no longer about etiquette.

We so often see people trying hard to frame interpersonal issues as etiquette questions -- so understandable, isn't it?  Nice, simple answers to straightforward questions.  Of course we'd rather find some objective rule to answer our questions. 

But it doesn't work.  "Rules" like "An invitation isn't a summons" and "You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to" are pretty useless in that context -- not because they aren't true, but because other factors so heavily outweigh the etiquette guidelines.  If I find myself framing something like "a guest at an event" when what I am talking about is, say, a parent at a wedding, then I know I'm trying to avoid some real issue that has nothing to do with etiquette at all.

In the OP's case, right, a gift is never required, especially if you don't attend a wedding -- that's the rule.  And not at all helpful here.  After all, it didn't help her mother, did it?  She wasn't even invited to the OP's wedding, but the OP is, very understandably, terribly hurt.

OP, you know your mother, and we don't, so you are in a position to know how a gift of money will make her feel.  I can only tell you that it my family, it would feel very strange for me to get a gift of money from my adult children - but that varies from family to family, just as greeting cards do.  (I think the fact that you barely know her fiance is absolutely irrelevant -- you know her.  Usually people only know one of the couple well or even at all.)  I bet you can think of something else -- a fancy fruit basket or floral arrangement if all else fails. 

You write that although you are only "pretty sure" that your brother already bought the gift certificate, going in on that is "out of the question."  If you think that would be a good solution, why not just ask him?  He may not have bought it yet, and even if he did, the restaurant would very likely be more than happy to take more money and give a bigger one.

But it sounds to me like you are hoping to give cash.  Just make sure that that will send the message that you really want to send.

VorFemme

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Re: Gift for someone who didn't gift
« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2015, 12:21:17 PM »
The "personal something" that I had in mind might have been a perfume that your mother smells great when wearing - but is not a perfume that she used to wear with any previous SO - so it could be "her fragrance for him", since lingerie is rather too much for most daughters to want to buy their mother. 

Although if they like going to Renaissance Festivals together, a gift certificate toward garb could work...or a bookstore, restaurant, or other *thing that Mom & new husband do together*.

A nice fountain pen & a journal with her new married name on it would also be a nod toward the new husband being a part of her life...if her mother has ever been into writing in a journal.

Or a silver frame for their wedding photo - possibly with a similar but slightly smaller frame with your wedding photo and possibly a photo of pregnant DD (you) and your husband, with space for a baby photo later.  Or one big frame with "our family" for their wedding photo, your family's photo, and any siblings of yours plus openings for any kids that he might have...I don't remember if you said whether or not he'd been married before.  Something to show that he is a part of the *family* now, but without being too blatant about it.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?