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Author Topic: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...  (Read 8936 times)

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AnonymousAnonAnon1

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Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« on: August 20, 2015, 05:51:38 PM »
Removing for paranoia reasons. TL;DR: FIL asked to stay in our apartment. I said no, citing space, then realized he might hear that we are having a houseguest soon.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2015, 09:47:21 AM by AnonymousAnonAnon1 »

EllenS

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2015, 07:46:40 PM »
Wait - is the houseguest going to be there at the same time as the party? Because you could totally have room for one, but not two.

TootsNYC

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2015, 07:52:46 PM »
Also, remember you can always defer the answer: "I don't know--I have to check w/ DH and see what the situation is."

You've got a husband--that's one of the fringe benefits that you're supposed to get out of the deal! The ability to say, "I've got to check w/ my husband/wife."

AnonymousAnonAnon1

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2015, 08:11:43 PM »
Also, remember you can always defer the answer: "I don't know--I have to check w/ DH and see what the situation is."

You've got a husband--that's one of the fringe benefits that you're supposed to get out of the deal! The ability to say, "I've got to check w/ my husband/wife."

He's asking to stay while in town for a surprise party for DH, so deferring to DH's opinion, while a brilliant stalling tactic if FIL never connects the dots, probably won't work.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2015, 08:21:51 PM by AnonymousAnonAnon1 »

AnonymousAnonAnon1

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2015, 08:14:47 PM »
Wait - is the houseguest going to be there at the same time as the party? Because you could totally have room for one, but not two.

If only. The friend is staying in the next few weeks; FIL is asking to stay in a few months.

VorFemme

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2015, 08:25:26 PM »
After friend leaves, do a little remodeling of the guest room.  Move the furniture around, have it half painted, the curtains at the cleaners, and such so that it will look much better after DH's birthday but it won't be ready to use during the time FIL would be in town for the surprise party?
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

EllenS

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2015, 08:32:11 PM »
Could you tell DH that his dad has been angling to stay with you "for a visit", and you put him off with no room, so please don't mention the guest?

Or would it be too odd that your FIL was talking to you about it, and not to DH directly?

TootsNYC

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2015, 08:40:18 PM »
Also, remember you can always defer the answer: "I don't know--I have to check w/ DH and see what the situation is."

You've got a husband--that's one of the fringe benefits that you're supposed to get out of the deal! The ability to say, "I've got to check w/ my husband/wife."

He's asking to stay while in town for a surprise party for DH, so deferring to DH's opinion, while a brilliant stalling tactic if FIL never connects the dots, probably won't work.

Ah, true! Sorry, I missed that.
But you can always say, "I have to see if it will work out. It may be too much." Or something....

Basically, stalling is fine.

AnonymousAnonAnon1

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2015, 08:41:29 PM »
After friend leaves, do a little remodeling of the guest room.  Move the furniture around, have it half painted, the curtains at the cleaners, and such so that it will look much better after DH's birthday but it won't be ready to use during the time FIL would be in town for the surprise party?

:-)

We don't have a guest room. We live in a very small apartment. The guest that's coming to stay is our best friend and therefore someone we don't mind staying in close quarters with for a couple of days. However, for many, many reasons, neither I nor DH would want FIL staying under the same conditions.

So the awkward part is his potential realization of "we have room for aomeone else, just not you". It's not even like I can go the route of "well, we really wouldn't be able to make you comfortable, etc.", since his first request was sleeping on a couch.

Note: The reason I wouldn't want FIL there is because he has a history of violent (at the worst) and uncomfortable (at the best) behavior. The fact that he even asked this is, frankly, nervy. So my top priority is more keeping the peace than tiptoeing on.eggshells.

gramma dishes

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2015, 08:47:51 PM »

Note: The reason I wouldn't want FIL there is because he has a history of violent (at the worst) and uncomfortable (at the best) behavior. The fact that he even asked this is, frankly, nervy. So my top priority is more keeping the peace than tiptoeing on.eggshells.

I don't quite know how to ask this question in a way that doesn't seem rude, but given FIL's history why are you even inviting him to the party in the first place?  Would it upset your husband to know his father hadn't been invited?

AnonymousAnonAnon1

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2015, 08:55:19 PM »

Note: The reason I wouldn't want FIL there is because he has a history of violent (at the worst) and uncomfortable (at the best) behavior. The fact that he even asked this is, frankly, nervy. So my top priority is more keeping the peace than tiptoeing on.eggshells.

I don't quite know how to ask this question in a way that doesn't seem rude, but given FIL's history why are you even inviting him to the party in the first place?  Would it upset your husband to know his father hadn't been invited?

I agree with you. But DH prefers to maintain a civil relationship with his father, which includes invitations to family events. DH really enjoys spending time with his aunts, uncles, and cousins from that side of the family, though.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2015, 09:50:09 AM by AnonymousAnonAnon1 »

gramma dishes

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2015, 09:00:42 PM »

Note: The reason I wouldn't want FIL there is because he has a history of violent (at the worst) and uncomfortable (at the best) behavior. The fact that he even asked this is, frankly, nervy. So my top priority is more keeping the peace than tiptoeing on.eggshells.

I don't quite know how to ask this question in a way that doesn't seem rude, but given FIL's history why are you even inviting him to the party in the first place?  Would it upset your husband to know his father hadn't been invited?

I agree with you. FIL deserves the cut direct from all his kids. But DH prefers to maintain a civil relationship with his father, which includes invitations to family events. (This would be the first event hosted by us, other than our wedding. Generally, we're all guests of a different family member, so.if course have no control of the guest list.) Other than that and the occassional brief phone call, they have no relationship. DH really enjoys spending time with his aunts, uncles, and cousins from that side of the family, though.

Would all of them be more or less likely to come if they know your FIL is going to be there? 


EllenS

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2015, 09:00:59 PM »
Well, depending on your relationship with your DH, you could just say, "Look, don't tell your dad about Guest coming to stay - it's a Hinky Manners Thing. I can't tell you why right now, you'll find out later."

That would be fine with my DH.  He might not remember, because he's blabby, but he'd accept it and be ok with it.

AnonymousAnonAnon1

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #13 on: August 20, 2015, 09:07:46 PM »
More. To be honest, I have no idea what they do/don't know about FIL's history.
« Last Edit: August 27, 2015, 09:58:33 AM by AnonymousAnonAnon1 »

gramma dishes

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Re: Well, I felt proud for a minute at least...
« Reply #14 on: August 20, 2015, 09:13:58 PM »

Note: The reason I wouldn't want FIL there is because he has a history of violent (at the worst) and uncomfortable (at the best) behavior. The fact that he even asked this is, frankly, nervy. So my top priority is more keeping the peace than tiptoeing on.eggshells.

I don't quite know how to ask this question in a way that doesn't seem rude, but given FIL's history why are you even inviting him to the party in the first place?  Would it upset your husband to know his father hadn't been invited?

I agree with you. FIL deserves the cut direct from all his kids. But DH prefers to maintain a civil relationship with his father, which includes invitations to family events. (This would be the first event hosted by us, other than our wedding. Generally, we're all guests of a different family member, so.if course have no control of the guest list.) Other than that and the occassional brief phone call, they have no relationship. DH really enjoys spending time with his aunts, uncles, and cousins from that side of the family, though.

Would all of them be more or less likely to come if they know your FIL is going to be there?

More. To be honest, I have no idea what they do/don't know about FIL's history.They have all lived in separate states for DH's whole life, so anything they know would be through the grapevine for the most part.

Okay, in that case I'd go with --

Well, depending on your relationship with your DH, you could just say, "Look, don't tell your dad about Guest coming to stay - it's a Hinky Manners Thing. I can't tell you why right now, you'll find out later."