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Author Topic: Family day trip...to a funeral  (Read 17128 times)

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cutejellybeen

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #15 on: August 27, 2015, 06:37:38 AM »
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Id wonder if it was just a matter of different funeral customs, but where is all family Im doubting thats the case?

You said that Gerry and Ruby didnt come for final goodbyes. Is it possible that Ruby just isnt comfortable around your family and needs buffers? Not that thats right, but thats the only thing I can come up with.

Usually here, after a funeral there is food and drinks in the church hall or a home of a family member. Sometimes its church hall then close family only after at the house.



Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2015, 06:39:44 AM »
My being in Australia might be making a large difference.

We attend many Funerals... to lend our sorrows and support to the Grieving.

In our area we 'bring a plate' which I think is similar to a Potluck. its put on tables. paper plates and paper serviettes.
 Every one stays for a cuppa and a sandwich and a bickie ( cookie)some morn, some share the funnies of their lives with the Deceased

In about half of these I don't actually know the deceased. I know someone in the family group. And that is whom I am there for
To show that person I care . I care that they are saddened and grieving.

Many (((((((((((((soft HUGS))))))))))))))) On the Loss of Your Father  (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

                          The Southern Cross Flag. Australia

Curly Wurly Doggie Breath

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #17 on: August 27, 2015, 06:41:11 AM »
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Id wonder if it was just a matter of different funeral customs, but where is all family Im doubting thats the case?

You said that Gerry and Ruby didnt come for final goodbyes. Is it possible that Ruby just isnt comfortable around your family and needs buffers? Not that thats right, but thats the only thing I can come up with.

Usually here, after a funeral there is food and drinks in the church hall or a home of a family member. Sometimes its church hall then close family only after at the house.

You sound like what our culture/families do. Are You Aussie ??

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Wintergreen

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #18 on: August 27, 2015, 06:48:32 AM »
Ruby is just so out there with trying to bring these 2 extra people with them.  I have this bad feeling that if they came, they'd all hole up at a table by themselves and probably be laughing and carrying on in a fashion that would not suit the occasion.

I'm also really ticked at Karl.  The first call is kind of OK.  But to call back with the "Big Problem" thing?  No, the big problem is the loss of OP's Dad.  This a minor blip and he should have handled it instead of putting it on the widow.
Well, it was Karl's brother too, so I'd assume not even he is "fully there" bacause of the grief and might be also very baffled what to do when wife of one of his brother's is making weird demands. Maybe fearing even that Gerry is not going to come if Ruby's not. So maybe he hoped for an easy solution (Ruby's sister being allowed) for a way to not create drift between him and his brother, during the time they lost one of their brothers.

However, what on earth Ruby is thinking, that I can't fathom. Good for OP's mother for putting stop to it, even if E-hell unapproved words were used. And condolences for OP and her family, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that kind of people during your grief.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #19 on: August 27, 2015, 10:11:03 AM »
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Id wonder if it was just a matter of different funeral customs, but where is all family Im doubting thats the case?

You said that Gerry and Ruby didnt come for final goodbyes. Is it possible that Ruby just isnt comfortable around your family and needs buffers? Not that thats right, but thats the only thing I can come up with.

Usually here, after a funeral there is food and drinks in the church hall or a home of a family member. Sometimes its church hall then close family only after at the house.

The OP said Gerry did come but Ruby didn't. 

DanaJ

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #20 on: August 27, 2015, 11:37:52 AM »
Id wonder if it was just a matter of different funeral customs, but where is all family Im doubting thats the case?

"Well, if my BFF/sister/co-worker isn't added to the guest list, then I'M not coming" is terrible manners no matter what the funeral customs or expectations may be.

That kind of childish ultimatum would be rude for a fun social event. It's outright crazypants-rude for an event mourning the loss of a family member.

Beyond The Veil

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #21 on: August 27, 2015, 03:31:57 PM »
I am very sorry for what happened and your loss. I am sending positive thoughts for healing.

Okay, so the nitty gritty: when she didn't get her way, she tried to guilt you with emotional blackmail over a funeral of a person she barely even knew? What a winner. Good on your mom!

Twik

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #22 on: August 28, 2015, 11:57:50 AM »
My local custom doesn't do invitations for wakes or after-funeral gatherings. However, if invitations are the standard, then you don't beg for invitations, and you don't do the "Well, if they can't come, I'm not coming either! ... Well, aren't you going to apologize and beg me to come?" business.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

MrTango

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #23 on: August 28, 2015, 04:43:08 PM »
I've attended funerals for people I've never met.  I went to support their family members (who I did know), so I can understand wanting to attend a funeral with a friend even if one doesn't actually know the deceased.

In my experience, unless there was some bad blood involved, it's extremely hostile to tell someone they cannot attend a funeral.

ETA: I've also never heard of issuing invitations for a funeral.  Funerals are held at church, and church services are open to the public. (Again, speaking only from my own experience).

Hillia

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #24 on: August 28, 2015, 05:21:28 PM »
I've attended funerals for people I've never met.  I went to support their family members (who I did know), so I can understand wanting to attend a funeral with a friend even if one doesn't actually know the deceased.

In my experience, unless there was some bad blood involved, it's extremely hostile to tell someone they cannot attend a funeral.

ETA: I've also never heard of issuing invitations for a funeral.  Funerals are held at church, and church services are open to the public. (Again, speaking only from my own experience).

Well, in this case, the friend wasn't really mourning the deceased either - she barely knew him.  And the invitation wasn't so much for the funeral, but for the hospitality offered by the family afterwards, which sounds fairly substantial (not just cookies and coffee).

weaselfrance

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #25 on: August 28, 2015, 05:39:51 PM »
Although it's not taking place at a church, the cremation service is open to the public and has been advertised in the local paper so anyone that wants to come will be perfectly able to, whether they know any of us or not.

Invitations have been issued to the catered meal afterwards, and this is the point where Ruby is issuing her ultimatums. I'm afraid I fail to see why we should be expected to cater to people who are only looking for a free meal and bar. We were warned not to put the details of the wake in the paper to prevent gate crashers  showing up. I've been to funerals to support friends who have lost loved ones, never having met the deceased but would never have dreamed of insisting on going to the wake afterwards or trying to dictate the guest list for this.

Neither Ruby nor Gerry have contacted my mother since we lost my dad to express any sympathy or see how she's doing. Ruby doesn't want emotional support, I've learned since my original post that she brings Linda and Tony to every event she's invited to if she can, whether it's a wedding, funeral, christening or Tupperware party.  If she chooses to skip the funeral, I won't miss her.

kareng57

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #26 on: August 28, 2015, 09:41:03 PM »
I've attended funerals for people I've never met.  I went to support their family members (who I did know), so I can understand wanting to attend a funeral with a friend even if one doesn't actually know the deceased.

In my experience, unless there was some bad blood involved, it's extremely hostile to tell someone they cannot attend a funeral.

ETA: I've also never heard of issuing invitations for a funeral.  Funerals are held at church, and church services are open to the public. (Again, speaking only from my own experience).

Well, in this case, the friend wasn't really mourning the deceased either - she barely knew him.  And the invitation wasn't so much for the funeral, but for the hospitality offered by the family afterwards, which sounds fairly substantial (not just cookies and coffee).


I understand that, but my experience has been the same as the PP.  I've never heard of "invitations" to a funeral or any sort of post-service gathering where the numbers are important.  If the obituary is published (in a newspaper or online) then anyone who would like to attend is welcome, whether or not they knew the deceased personally.

PastryGoddess

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #27 on: August 28, 2015, 11:10:55 PM »
I've attended funerals for people I've never met.  I went to support their family members (who I did know), so I can understand wanting to attend a funeral with a friend even if one doesn't actually know the deceased.

In my experience, unless there was some bad blood involved, it's extremely hostile to tell someone they cannot attend a funeral.

ETA: I've also never heard of issuing invitations for a funeral.  Funerals are held at church, and church services are open to the public. (Again, speaking only from my own experience).

Well, in this case, the friend wasn't really mourning the deceased either - she barely knew him.  And the invitation wasn't so much for the funeral, but for the hospitality offered by the family afterwards, which sounds fairly substantial (not just cookies and coffee).


I understand that, but my experience has been the same as the PP.  I've never heard of "invitations" to a funeral or any sort of post-service gathering where the numbers are important.  If the obituary is published (in a newspaper or online) then anyone who would like to attend is welcome, whether or not they knew the deceased personally.

Linda and Tony are welcome to attend the public service along with Ruby.  What they can't do is attend the invitation only private event afterwards.  The OP and her family are having it catered and as a result needed to limit the number of people who can attend.  Catering costs money and I'm pretty sure OP and family don't have unlimited amounts of it to allow unlimited people to attend. 

mmswm

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #28 on: August 29, 2015, 05:10:24 AM »
I think your mom handled it perfectly. A few non approved words can be forgiven considering the audacity of the request while she was grieving.

We had a few interesting situations surrounding one of my uncle's funerals. This particular uncle was a local celebrity. My mother and I were trying to find a balance between a private family/close friend affair and allowing his fans their time as well. In the end we had several events. Thursday night there was o parade in his honor where people could cross dress, wear feather boas and tiaras, and be as crazy as they'd like. The city police closed the downtown streets and provided escort. Friday night there was an open public viewing where anybody could come but we're asked to dress respectfully in order to honor his whole life, and not just the last part of it when he was the crazy character the city had come to love. Saturday morning and afternoon we had an invitation only church service followed by a private graveside service. My mother wanted to avoid a circus, so the location of the grave was kept private. This was not easy to do with local media following us around everywhere. Sunday there was a public memorial service where once again the cross dressing, thongs, boas and tiaras were not only welcome, but encouraged. We caught a lot of flack, and while my mother was not always ehell approved, she did keep her spine nice and shiny.

One of the things that we caught flack for was the presence of one of my good friends at the private events. My friend lived a couple of hours from my uncle's city and knew of him, but had never met him. She drove down that day to be there for me. Her whole purpose was to support my emotional needs. When word got out that this unknown woman was there, quite a bit of grumbling ensued, but I really didn't care. This was my favorite uncle, and to this day the only family member whose funeral I have attended. I needed her there.

The OP's situation does not sound like it's one of these moments. I think it's perfectly reasonable to exclude the extras from the catered events.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Twik

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #29 on: August 31, 2015, 01:25:43 PM »
I've attended funerals for people I've never met.  I went to support their family members (who I did know), so I can understand wanting to attend a funeral with a friend even if one doesn't actually know the deceased.

In my experience, unless there was some bad blood involved, it's extremely hostile to tell someone they cannot attend a funeral.

ETA: I've also never heard of issuing invitations for a funeral.  Funerals are held at church, and church services are open to the public. (Again, speaking only from my own experience).

Well, in this case, the friend wasn't really mourning the deceased either - she barely knew him.  And the invitation wasn't so much for the funeral, but for the hospitality offered by the family afterwards, which sounds fairly substantial (not just cookies and coffee).


I understand that, but my experience has been the same as the PP.  I've never heard of "invitations" to a funeral or any sort of post-service gathering where the numbers are important.  If the obituary is published (in a newspaper or online) then anyone who would like to attend is welcome, whether or not they knew the deceased personally.

I agree. In my community, it's a "come one, come all" sort of thing. Not that it wouldn't be annoying to have to host the "it's all about *me*" sort of person.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."