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Author Topic: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?  (Read 10628 times)

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Lynn2000

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2015, 09:59:39 AM »
Another thought (this is one of those time-machine pieces of advice): when the groomsman "insisted" on taking possession of the suit early, why did the HC think he was doing that? That would have been a good time to say, "What's the deal, man? We'll keep it for you until the wedding day, no biggie." I agree that in theory, the gift has just been announced, and will not actually be given until shortly before the wedding; it seems like some (most?) of the attire is being held by the HC. But this one guy "insisted" on getting his early, presumably exactly so he could start wearing it now. If that was the sequence of events I do think that's a bit presumptuous of the groomsman.

It'd be one thing if the HC handed the garments out to everyone for storage until the wedding, and some people thought, "Eh, it's mine, it's in my closet, why not wear it now?" But it sounds like this one guy went out of his way to do something different from everyone else, insisted on it--if there was some other situation where you demanded your gift early, especially so you could start using it before other people in your group did, I think a lot of people would find that rude.

But with the suit in his possession now, I don't think the HC can really ask for it back. I like the suggestion of collecting all garments a week or so before the wedding, and having them cleaned/assessed for minor damage. It would be an additional cost but would probably alleviate the bride's concerns.
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EllenS

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2015, 04:39:20 PM »
Another thought (this is one of those time-machine pieces of advice): when the groomsman "insisted" on taking possession of the suit early, why did the HC think he was doing that? That would have been a good time to say, "What's the deal, man? We'll keep it for you until the wedding day, no biggie." I agree that in theory, the gift has just been announced, and will not actually be given until shortly before the wedding; it seems like some (most?) of the attire is being held by the HC. But this one guy "insisted" on getting his early, presumably exactly so he could start wearing it now. If that was the sequence of events I do think that's a bit presumptuous of the groomsman.

It'd be one thing if the HC handed the garments out to everyone for storage until the wedding, and some people thought, "Eh, it's mine, it's in my closet, why not wear it now?" But it sounds like this one guy went out of his way to do something different from everyone else, insisted on it--if there was some other situation where you demanded your gift early, especially so you could start using it before other people in your group did, I think a lot of people would find that rude.

But with the suit in his possession now, I don't think the HC can really ask for it back. I like the suggestion of collecting all garments a week or so before the wedding, and having them cleaned/assessed for minor damage. It would be an additional cost but would probably alleviate the bride's concerns.

Where are you getting "insisting" and "went out of his way?"

The way I read the OP, this was a logistical issue because the one groomsman is local and the others are not. I really don't think the groomsman was cackling and rubbing his hands at the prospect of wearing his suit before everybody else. I think the whole reason he's using it, is because he doesn't consider it as big a deal as the bride does.

Lynn2000

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #17 on: September 23, 2015, 05:00:53 PM »
Thanks for the replies. The issue seems to be a divisive one - it's interesting to see the different perspectives here. I think the bride realizes in retrospect that she should have held all the suits, including the one for this groomsman, but he was very insistent on picking it up himself. Bride is very non-confrontational, so I doubt she will end up saying anything to him. She is less concerned about whether everyone matches (I don't think she had even considered that the suit could look more worn than everyone else's - I won't bring it up!) and more concerned about potential damage that could occur. I agree the risk of anything happening is low.

The update from the OP used the words "very insistent." I do admit I was relying a lot on that phrase, to present a possible scenario that no one else had mentioned. If that scenario is close to reality, it might help the bride articulate why she feels the way she does, and decide what to do next.

Of course it's also possible the groomsman was "very insistent" on picking up his suit, because it was on his way to do so and he was trying to save his friends some trouble!
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EllenS

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #18 on: September 23, 2015, 05:41:28 PM »
Thanks for the replies. The issue seems to be a divisive one - it's interesting to see the different perspectives here. I think the bride realizes in retrospect that she should have held all the suits, including the one for this groomsman, but he was very insistent on picking it up himself. Bride is very non-confrontational, so I doubt she will end up saying anything to him. She is less concerned about whether everyone matches (I don't think she had even considered that the suit could look more worn than everyone else's - I won't bring it up!) and more concerned about potential damage that could occur. I agree the risk of anything happening is low.

The update from the OP used the words "very insistent." I do admit I was relying a lot on that phrase, to present a possible scenario that no one else had mentioned. If that scenario is close to reality, it might help the bride articulate why she feels the way she does, and decide what to do next.

Of course it's also possible the groomsman was "very insistent" on picking up his suit, because it was on his way to do so and he was trying to save his friends some trouble!

Missed that wording, thanks.  I still think it's highly unlikely that a guy who has a rotation of suits for work is just jumping at the chance to be the "first one in" on his wedding attire.

TootsNYC

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2015, 06:47:14 PM »
I think the groom can (and should) say to his friend: "Hey, dude, go easy on the suit--we bought it for you for the wedding, not just 'cause we wanted to give you a suit. It needs to be in really, really good shape--like new, actually--for the wedding."

Bert

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2015, 06:52:39 PM »
LOL.

I just asked my DH what he thought. He said if the groomsman is good enough friends with the groom to be in the wedding party, he should know that the bride is high-maintenance, and put the suit aside in order to spare his buddy a couple of months of grief. He thought it would be well within "guy code" for the groom to ask/remind him.

He was also concerned about the possibility of damage. Considering that DH does not own a pair of slacks without pen marks on the pockets, that's understandable. The idea of "specialness" did not compute.

Yes. 

I personally wouldn't wear the suit because I'd be afraid of damaging it no matter how careful I am (pens break, people walking past you spill coffee, etc...), but I see both sides to this.

This is exactly the time when guy code should kick in.  "Dude, if something happens to that and you have to replace it, it's going to be really hard.  I don't want any flack for this, so do me a solid and just put the suit back in the bag until the wedding.  Thanks."  (Fist bump).

TootsNYC

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2015, 07:45:29 PM »
I'd be thinking almost less spills and more a "softening," becoming less "crisp." Getting wrinkles and bends in the elbows and knees.

And it'll be subtly noticeable.

HannahGrace

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #22 on: September 23, 2015, 08:54:49 PM »
I'd be thinking almost less spills and more a "softening," becoming less "crisp." Getting wrinkles and bends in the elbows and knees.

And it'll be subtly noticeable.

Really? I have never paid close attention to anyone's suit at a wedding, and I don't know anyone else who does either, so I don't agree that it would be "subtly noticeable."  Also when I take my own suits to the dry cleaner, they come back with pretty crisp creases.

TootsNYC

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #23 on: September 23, 2015, 09:15:19 PM »
I only think it would be noticeable when he's standing in a row with the other guys whose suits haven't been worn before.

A wearing or two might not make a difference. But a trip to the dry cleaners could.

But I could be wrong, of course. Black often doesn't show much; it absorbs so much light. And the other guys' suits are going to get wrinkled when the get in and out of the car.

rose red

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #24 on: September 23, 2015, 09:18:39 PM »
I don't know. I think my clothes look nice and fresh after cleaning, but then I see new outfits on the racks and there is a difference. The groomsman's suit may look great on it's own, but if worn weekly and "broken in," it may be noticeable next to the rest of the group.

But either way, my opinion is that it shouldn't be worn as "regular" clothes until after the wedding. And I'm not a fan of weddings and all the hoopla that surrounds it as previous posts can attest. I guess to me, it feels like taking Christmas gifts from under the tree and opening them weeks early while the rest of the family wait until Dec. 25.

camlan

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #25 on: September 24, 2015, 06:17:20 AM »
He shouldn't wear the suit until the wedding--even if just for practical reasons. If he spills something on the suit, or it gets torn, will there be enough time to get another suit and get it altered? And he'd have to be willing to pay for the new suit and the alterations.

Granted, the suit probably won't be stained or torn, but accidents do happen. Life happens and we can't always plan not to be wearing a specific clothing item on a rainy day and not have it be splashed by passing cars.

I like the advice of having the groom ask/tell him to back off and just not wear the suit again until the wedding. It's a perfectly reasonable request.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Wintergreen

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #26 on: September 24, 2015, 06:56:50 AM »
And if softer option is needed, groom might resort to saying that it should be taken from the rotation early enough that there won't be "oops, I spilled on it week before the wedding, now I can't get it even to dry cleaners in enough time". That would not be straight "do not use the suit", but reminder that if something happens, he (the groomsman, not the HC) needs to have enough time to find identical replacement. And, in general, reminder that something might happen and that the suit was given so he is able to wear it in the wedding.

But I do say! This is interesting question! My first reaction would be that I should not use clothes purchased (especially by someone else) before the actual event. But other than potentially ruining the piece, I can't think any logical reason :D It feels just something not done.

Meletiquette

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #27 on: September 24, 2015, 07:11:52 AM »
Quote
But I do say! This is interesting question! My first reaction would be that I should not use clothes purchased (especially by someone else) before the actual event. But other than potentially ruining the piece, I can't think any logical reason :D It feels just something not done.

I think that's where the bride and I stand on this issue. It feels wrong, somehow, and yet I don't think even she can come up with a good reason why it bothers her. Some who have posted have implied that she's being high maintenance by being upset (and upset may be too strong a word here - I would describe it as slightly miffed; she's not losing sleep over it), but that's so far from her character (although weddings do sometimes bring out the worst in the best of us).

As a comparison, I just bought an item for my Halloween costume this year, and it's an item that I selected specifically because I could get more use out of it once Halloween is over. But it just feels "wrong" to use it now before it has been used for its intended purpose.

Wintergreen

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #28 on: September 28, 2015, 07:09:41 AM »
Quote
But I do say! This is interesting question! My first reaction would be that I should not use clothes purchased (especially by someone else) before the actual event. But other than potentially ruining the piece, I can't think any logical reason :D It feels just something not done.

I think that's where the bride and I stand on this issue. It feels wrong, somehow, and yet I don't think even she can come up with a good reason why it bothers her. Some who have posted have implied that she's being high maintenance by being upset (and upset may be too strong a word here - I would describe it as slightly miffed; she's not losing sleep over it), but that's so far from her character (although weddings do sometimes bring out the worst in the best of us).

As a comparison, I just bought an item for my Halloween costume this year, and it's an item that I selected specifically because I could get more use out of it once Halloween is over. But it just feels "wrong" to use it now before it has been used for its intended purpose.

One thing that popped in my mind later was that I know some people hold the idea that person (I think especially woman) should not use same dress to different events. Especially if those events have overlapping guest list. As far as I know this probably has never been part of any "official" etiquette rules, more likely bit outdated habit from the time when upper class was supposed to uphold the reputation of the rank and looking poor (because of course it's sign of being poor if you can't get new dress to the important events of the society) would be utterly horrible. I don't know, just guessing and if somebody has knowledge, let me know.

However, I think there still are remnants of this type of thinking, even if straight out asked most might say it's obviously okay to use same dress in two different events. I mean, if celebrity uses same dress twice, it's quite likely to make headlines in certain magazines. Even if lately it's been more of a "X.X. is recycling a derss! See pictures from both events!" rather than mocking her for it, it still feels bit odd that using same dress twice would be considered recycling it and requires headlines.

So I wonder, if this uneasy feeling comes from this kind of old habits. I don't even agree with the idea one should not use same dress twice. But... I still know the idea exists. And if you use the clothing item before the actual event, well, you are not supposed to use it anymore there. It has expired.

TootsNYC

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Re: Wearing wedding attire pre-wedding?
« Reply #29 on: September 28, 2015, 10:24:56 AM »
Interestingly, that's not true of men's attire, especially a tuxedo (or a black suit).