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Author Topic: Did I miss something?  (Read 7128 times)

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Rapunzel1974

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2015, 04:22:08 PM »
I agree completely. I don't think she ever intended to invite you, she knew what your standard wedding gift was and wanted it.

You're most likely right. I wouldn't be the first person whose presence was not actually wanted, but who was invited anyway simply to get a gift. It's just that this process was a little more efficient: the invitation was verbal only, so it was enough to get the gift, but it lacked the written details about where and when to actually show up, so it didn't obligate them to see me, speak to me, save a seat for me, or set aside a plate of rubbery lukewarm chicken.

I wonder how many other people were dumb enough to fall for it.

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In her mind she probably justified it by deciding that you "owed" her for testifying "against" her in that whole mess.

Possibly, but the biggest irony is that I didn't testify. It wouldn't have helped anyone's case one way or another, because during their entire relationship I was so distantly acquainted with the bride and her ex that I wasn't aware they were a couple until after they'd split up. Nor was my participation voluntary in any ordinary sense of the word.

The case got continued several times, Jarndyce vs. Jarndyce style for several months, and then settled out of court. All I really did was show up on crutches, look pale, and speak on the phone with lawyers while bleeding slowly and fantasizing about using one of my crutches to re-enact a WWE scene in the courtroom. It's probably just as well that I was never called to testify. I was about to lose my temper and set a whole new standard for "hostile witness".

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I'm sure those saying to immediately cease contact with her are correct, but honestly I think I'd have to write her once and say "I've seen the photos of your wedding and reception and I'm pleased that everyone enjoyed my gift. It's clear to me now that you never intended to invite me to the wedding, you just strung me along for the wine. I'm out X hours and $$$ dollars but in the end I suppose it was worth it to find out exactly how little you value me as a person and as a friend."

I'm almost wishing I had a license to sell wine, so I could send them a bill. A person needs a license to do that where I live, and I'm just a hobbyist.

As matters stand, I think I'll just ghost out on her without further drama that could easily be used against me. Many thanks to you and the other posters: I'm now reasonably confident that I didn't cause the misunderstanding, or whatever that was.

KenveeB

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #16 on: September 24, 2015, 04:33:51 PM »
It definitely sounds to me like they were using you for your gift. While confronting her is very satisfying to think of, it wouldn't accomplish anything and could wind up making you look bad. I think your plan of ghosting out is a very good one. She's not a friend, don't treat her like one.

MinAvi

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #17 on: September 24, 2015, 05:37:21 PM »


I'm almost wishing I had a license to sell wine, so I could send them a bill. A person needs a license to do that where I live, and I'm just a hobbyist.


As matters stand, I think I'll just ghost out on her without further drama that could easily be used against me. Many thanks to you and the other posters: I'm now reasonably confident that I didn't cause the misunderstanding, or whatever that was.
[/quote]

You can still send them a bill for the cost of materials and your hourly rate....



Meletiquette

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #18 on: September 25, 2015, 07:01:57 AM »
I'm still just appalled by the gall of some people to take advantage of such a generous gift. Do these people have no conscience? I know I'm not giving the benefit of a doubt re: maybe the invitation got lost. I think if OP had been important enough to the HC that they would have contacted OP when they didn't receive her RSVP, but maybe they just assumed she was coming and are sitting at home confused as to why she didn't show up after taking the time to make such a lovely gift. I suppose contact does need to be made with the HC (either directly or via a third party) to understand what happened. I still think this was deliberate and calculated.

I also agree that a gift isn't a ticket to the wedding, so then I would ask the OP: if the initial discussion with the bride was different, as in she made it clear that they were getting married but the reception would be small and they could not invite you, would you have still given the gift? If they had asked you if you could make the wine for the reception without any hint of being included in the big day, would you have still done it for free, would you have offered to do it for a reasonable fee, would you have given a different gift, or would you have done nothing? I think that's the root of the issue here.

Rapunzel1974

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #19 on: September 25, 2015, 10:06:05 AM »
I also agree that a gift isn't a ticket to the wedding, so then I would ask the OP: if the initial discussion with the bride was different, as in she made it clear that they were getting married but the reception would be small and they could not invite you, would you have still given the gift? If they had asked you if you could make the wine for the reception without any hint of being included in the big day, would you have still done it for free, would you have offered to do it for a reasonable fee, would you have given a different gift, or would you have done nothing? I think that's the root of the issue here.

The bride and groom were both part of the discussion, and I've known the two of them the same amount of time although I've hung out with the bride a bit more. I do consider the groom equally accountable, because he was part of every discussion involving the wine.

I wouldn't have given wine if I knew I wasn't invited: it would have been too much. People get uncomfortable when they're given inappropriately big or expensive gifts.

When I hear about a wedding of people in my social circle, and I'm not invited for whatever reason, I discreetly send a small gift card or something off their registry that's inexpensive and that qualifies for free shipping. Towels qualify and they're a favorite of mine, but if there aren't any on the registry I'm not fussy; I just get the cheapest thing that qualifies for free shipping. If there's no registry, I send a gift card generally in the $25 to $50 range. This is the same as what I do for a cousin's graduation, a business associate's housewarming, or anything else where I really do wish the person well and want to acknowledge the event.

A big gift, even if it's in my price range, is not an option because it's creepy to the recipient. Financial issues aside, humans give gifts based on their cultural standards for the social relationship they've got, or perhaps one step up from that to reflect the social relationship the giver wants to have. A gift that's far too much for the occasion and the relationship can make the recipient feel obligated, uncomfortable, or worse. Several hundred dollars' worth of wine is acceptable for a wedding where I'm close enough to be invited as a guest, because as I've mentioned it doesn't cost me that much to make. But for a wedding where I'm not close enough to be invited, the same gift would be creepy overkill.

There have been people who have asked to buy wine from me before, but I've always said no because I don't have a license to sell alcohol products. If they'd wanted music, I'd gladly have either provided the music as a gift, or done it for hire at my usual rate and sent a gift also. I've done both these things before with no regrets. It helps that, as a musician, I'm physically present at the events I perform at so I get the wedding darshana experience I want, even without technically being on the guest list.

I've never actually had anyone ask: "We're planning a wedding, you're not invited, but would you mind giving us hundreds of dollars' worth of wine for the reception anyway?" so I can't even guess what my response would have been. Probably I'd have had to pick up pieces of my exploded skull and brain matter first.

Meletiquette

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #20 on: September 25, 2015, 10:30:57 AM »
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A big gift, even if it's in my price range, is not an option because it's creepy to the recipient. Financial issues aside, humans give gifts based on their cultural standards for the social relationship they've got, or perhaps one step up from that to reflect the social relationship the giver wants to have. A gift that's far too much for the occasion and the relationship can make the recipient feel obligated, uncomfortable, or worse. Several hundred dollars' worth of wine is acceptable for a wedding where I'm close enough to be invited as a guest, because as I've mentioned it doesn't cost me that much to make. But for a wedding where I'm not close enough to be invited, the same gift would be creepy overkill.


Thanks for your reply OP! I agree with what you said, especially the part I quoted, which is why I asked the question. I assumed that had you not been lead on to believe you were invited, you would not have given such an extravagant gift.

Rapunzel1974

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #21 on: September 25, 2015, 10:37:47 AM »
Well, I did some cause and effect calculation.

If I contact the happy couple directly and asking why things went down the way they did, I might get:

1) Worst case scenario: passive-aggressive snark followed by drama from their end (because everything creates drama from their end)
2) Most likely scenario: bemused denial followed by drama from their end
3) Best case scenario: an apology and a closer relationship with them (WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THIS?!!!?!) and a guarantee that there will eventually be drama from their end, because their lives eventually turn into a need-fest

If I find out through mutual friends, the only possible outcome is drama. I see no up-side to involving more people.

If I ghost, I get exactly what I have right at this second: a situation with no drama. That's valuable, and I've been enjoying it a lot. When there's no drama, I can enjoy a nice long jog, or sit about in fuzzy socks and quality control test my own product, or else some hot cocoa or hot apple cider.

Now that I'm no longer concerned over whether I did something wrong or caused the confusion, I have peace of mind. Compared to peace of mind, closure is overrated.

The only remaining reason to contact the bride and groom would be to give them an opportunity to patch up their relationship with me, so that I can walk down that one-way street a little bit more. I'd rather spend those conversation minutes on another fuzzy sock experience.

Carotte

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #22 on: September 25, 2015, 10:47:03 AM »
Whow, like other posters I'm impressed by the gift.
And I also think you were played, I'm sorry for that.

But you have a very clear and healthy view of the situation, and I agree, go drama free and with your head held high (you can shake it and roll you eyes too).
You might want to think about what you would say if someone asked what happened, so you're not caught off guard. Like if a mutual friend says they saw your wine but not you, or if, deity forbids, the couple stirs up some kind of drama.

Another Sarah

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #23 on: September 25, 2015, 10:48:38 AM »
I'd rather spend those conversation minutes on another fuzzy sock experience.
Genius. I'm stealing this!  ;)

VorFemme

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #24 on: September 25, 2015, 12:50:51 PM »
A fuzzy sock moment with apple cinnamon tea and a good book...or possibly a good movie...or the new Dr. Who episode tomorrow...whichever seems like the most fun at the moment. you pull the fuzzy socks out.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Did I miss something?
« Reply #25 on: September 26, 2015, 12:20:43 AM »
Good for you, OP. This couple sounds like horrible, calculating people. You're better off without them.

I don't think contacting them would do any good at all. I strongly suspect they'll either (a) deny they verbally invited you ("Oh no, you misunderstood! We said we'd have LIKED you to attend, not that we were actually inviting you!"; or (b) come up with some half-baked excuse ("We had too many people to invite, and had to cut some of the guest list.") I'd simply cut them dead, and move on.