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Author Topic: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go  (Read 11790 times)

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Zizi-K

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2015, 09:51:57 PM »
I understand those who say that DH should have stayed for the reception, etiquette-wise. But marriage-wise? DH wasn't going home with the HC. He was going home to OP. Pregnant OP with a toddler, who was sobbing her eyes out over missing the occasion.

There's a saying that knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad. Your DH is a wise man and understands the difference between the "correct" answer and the right answer.

yeah, I agree. All the HC knew was that the wife had to stay home with a sick kid. They would never know that he felt better 20 minutes later, they wouldn't know the nature of the illness, etc. Given that, I can't imagine they thought DH would stay for the reception, or at least they would be understanding of him having to go home and support his wife. I really can't see this as that big of a deal. If I were the bride, I would have been impressed that he made the effort to come to the ceremony given the situation.

greencat

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #16 on: October 06, 2015, 12:51:57 AM »
I think the OP's husband made a wise move.  In the OP's shoes, even without the pregnancy hormones, I'd have been upset if my significant other chose to attend what is essentially a party (the reception part) over returning to help me with a crisis of his own making. 

mandycorn

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #17 on: October 06, 2015, 10:52:33 AM »
I agree that you handled staying home with an ailing kiddo fine (even though it was disappointing). I do feel bad for the couple, since they were out the cost of two meals when your husband skipped the reception, instead of just one, but I can see why he felt it was important to go home, especially if his mom was encouraging that.
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #18 on: October 06, 2015, 11:43:54 AM »
The 'out the cost of the meals' thing really bothers me.  They have already paid for the meals, whether the OP and her husband were there to eat them or not.  Perhaps 'two meals wasted' is more accurate, if the caterer doesn't box up leftovers.

The only thing at issue is whether or not appropriate notice was given to the happy couple and/or hosts of the event.  And it was, IMO.
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lmyrs

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #19 on: October 06, 2015, 11:45:27 AM »
I think the OP's husband made a wise move.  In the OP's shoes, even without the pregnancy hormones, I'd have been upset if my significant other chose to attend what is essentially a party (the reception part) over returning to help me with a crisis of his own making.

Except the kid was fine by this point. The op was upset that she was missing the party. If her husband came home, she could have gone. One of them should have been there. Especially since the kid was perfectly ok within 20 minutes.

EllenS

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #20 on: October 06, 2015, 01:22:59 PM »
I think the OP's husband made a wise move.  In the OP's shoes, even without the pregnancy hormones, I'd have been upset if my significant other chose to attend what is essentially a party (the reception part) over returning to help me with a crisis of his own making.

Except the kid was fine by this point. The op was upset that she was missing the party. If her husband came home, she could have gone. One of them should have been there. Especially since the kid was perfectly ok within 20 minutes.

Well, when I was pregnant and had a toddler, I absolutely would not have had the spoons to get all dressed up, get undressed and deal with a screaming kid, have a weeping breakdown, and then get dressed back up again and go to a wedding reception, never mind whatever the double-round-trip driving time might be. For me, that would be one of those decisions that once you "call it", the evening is over.

Other people may have a different experience, for sure, but I'm certainly not going to wag fingers at anyone for not doing something that I would not physically be capable of doing myself.

gellchom

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #21 on: October 06, 2015, 02:18:49 PM »
I think the OP's husband made a wise move.  In the OP's shoes, even without the pregnancy hormones, I'd have been upset if my significant other chose to attend what is essentially a party (the reception part) over returning to help me with a crisis of his own making.

Except the kid was fine by this point. The op was upset that she was missing the party. If her husband came home, she could have gone. One of them should have been there. Especially since the kid was perfectly ok within 20 minutes.

And they could've had the sitter they'd already booked come over and help the OP.  It may not be fun to think that your husband is partying while you are home with the baby, and my answer were different if were just a party.  But this was a very important thing in the hosts'/HC's life (and I include the reception, not just the ceremony; celebrating with the couple is important, too), and they had indeed paid a lot of money for meals for the OP and her husband.  I think that's something you don't run out on lightly.  For a real emergency or a very sick child, sure; just because Mom feels resentful isn't enough, in my opinion.

TootsNYC

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #22 on: October 06, 2015, 04:37:05 PM »
The 'out the cost of the meals' thing really bothers me.  They have already paid for the meals, whether the OP and her husband were there to eat them or not.  Perhaps 'two meals wasted' is more accurate, if the caterer doesn't box up leftovers.

The only thing at issue is whether or not appropriate notice was given to the happy couple and/or hosts of the event.  And it was, IMO.

I agree w/ you about the "sunk cost" of the money.

The only time I have a little sympathy with that is the situation in which the guests who didn't come were actually distant enough that maybe they should have RSVP'd no in the first place (which would have allowed the couple to invite someone else).

And any situation in which they made the decision to stay home hours before the event, it's not the decision, but the fact that they COULD make that decision is an indicator that the guests didn't care about the couple that much and should have said no.

I think you have a responsibility to decide, "Am I close enough to attend their wedding? Close enough to take up their time, energy, money--to bump someone else from the list?"

Our OP felt she was close enough, and she didn't treat that invitation cavalierly. She's good.
I'm sure she has done and said many things to make the couple feel they weren't chumps for inviting her.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #23 on: October 06, 2015, 09:41:23 PM »
I think the OP's husband made a wise move.  In the OP's shoes, even without the pregnancy hormones, I'd have been upset if my significant other chose to attend what is essentially a party (the reception part) over returning to help me with a crisis of his own making.

I think the bolded is important. If the HC had been equally good friends with the OP and her DH, I think the DH should have been the one to stay home (given he caused the situation).

Because the HC were connected to the DH, however, I think he should have been the one to attend.

And in general, I think for an important event such as a wedding, you have to put your commitment above whatever marital issues you may be having. (A very sick child is obviously a different story, and I would not fault the parents if they made the decision to both stay home). 

tabitha

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #24 on: October 07, 2015, 12:00:11 PM »
If I had organized my wedding, paying for the plates for you and your husband and you couldn't make it under the circumstances stated, I would be fine.
 Who cares if the kid was better by that time? You decided to cancel the sitter, so you need to stick with that decision. You were pregnant, upset and alone with a toddler! That's way more important than a plate of food or two.  I'd feel like such a jerk if a family member of mine found out that you're son got better and then complained your husband didn't stay for the reception. How are are you supposed to predict these things?
I completely disagree if ettiqutte says the husband needs to leave his upset, pregnant wife at home to eat a plate of food.  If you feel the dish has been wasted, pack it up and give it too a homeless person. Have a heart!

That reminds me, this is off topic but I heard of a family in Atlanta that canceled their wedding last minute. The couldnt cancel the reception and so hosted 130 homeless people in the fancy venue. They enjoyed it so much, they now do it every year.  Really, people need to get a perspective on a plate or two!
Don't get me wrong though, another member posted that a whole family didn't show at her wedding, I think it was eight people? ( it was in another thread) that is going a bit far!

lmyrs

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #25 on: October 07, 2015, 12:43:02 PM »
If I had organized my wedding, paying for the plates for you and your husband and you couldn't make it under the circumstances stated, I would be fine.
 Who cares if the kid was better by that time? You decided to cancel the sitter, so you need to stick with that decision. You were pregnant, upset and alone with a toddler! That's way more important than a plate of food or two.  I'd feel like such a jerk if a family member of mine found out that you're son got better and then complained your husband didn't stay for the reception. How are are you supposed to predict these things?
I completely disagree if ettiqutte says the husband needs to leave his upset, pregnant wife at home to eat a plate of food.  If you feel the dish has been wasted, pack it up and give it too a homeless person. Have a heart!

That reminds me, this is off topic but I heard of a family in Atlanta that canceled their wedding last minute. The couldnt cancel the reception and so hosted 130 homeless people in the fancy venue. They enjoyed it so much, they now do it every year.  Really, people need to get a perspective on a plate or two!
Don't get me wrong though, another member posted that a whole family didn't show at her wedding, I think it was eight people? ( it was in another thread) that is going a bit far!

They didn't have to predict anything! 20 minutes after DH left the house, the son was fine. So, DS was good before the ceremony was over. The OP wasn't crying because she had a sick kid. She was crying because she missed the party. By the time the DH called OP to see how it was going, DS was OK. He should have gone to the reception.

I would not be so adamant about this except for the fact that this whole thing is the DH's fault. If he had been responsible that afternoon, the OP and he would have happily attended everything. He did a stupid and completely preventable thing and then they visited this problem on the HC by skipping their wedding. I would be much more sympathetic to the DH skipping this wedding if the whole thing hadn't been his fault in the first place.

TootsNYC

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #26 on: October 07, 2015, 01:10:58 PM »
Oh, I'm going to cut them all some slack.
I'm sure DH had no way of knowing his son would react so badly to so much cheese.
I'm sure the OP had no way of knowing her son would be so well recovered just 30 minutes later.

Maybe someone w/ lots of experience as a parent would be able to look at her screaming son w/ the upset tummy and say, "Hmmm, he's upset now, but I bet he'll be fine in about 30 minutes; let's keep the sitter, and I'll stay so he doesn't freak out, and you call me when the ceremony is over and see if you can pick me up for the party."

Me, now, I could probably do that. But not when I was younger, hadn't had that many years w/ kids, etc. I'd also have been so freaked out by my screaming, writhing child that I wouldn't be able to think that strategically.

So having Mommy say home because that's who my child responds best to seems totally sensible to me. Especially if DH has a closer connection to the couple, but even if he doesn't.

lmyrs

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #27 on: October 07, 2015, 01:15:59 PM »
I take no issue with the OP staying home. She didn't know that her DS would be fine 20 minutes later. She would have no way of knowing that, whether it was her first child or her 8th. And when she made the call to stay home, it was the right one.

And, given that the babysitter was cancelled, she made the right choice to stay home after her son was feeling better.

But, her son was fine 20 minutes later. And, her DH knew that because she spoke to him at some point and encouraged him to stay for the reception. He should have stayed.

DH didn't come home because his son was sick. By the time DH made the decision, his son was fine. DH came home because his wife was upset that she was missing the party. I understand why she was upset. I would have been upset too - mostly at DH for being so irresponsible. But, that doesn't mean that DH should renege on his obligations to the HC.

greencat

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #28 on: October 07, 2015, 01:21:05 PM »
Her son was fine.  She was not.  She needed her DH.

shhh its me

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #29 on: October 07, 2015, 04:17:41 PM »
  I personally would stayed at the reception , so I think DH made the wrong call but I don't think it was rude (it wasn't rude because he thought it was urgent)I think it falls more under misjudgement then rude.

OP I wouldn't advertise "Child was fine in 20 minutes. DH came home cause I was really upset I couldn't go."  mum's the word on those details.  Stick with the truth "Child was sick. Pregnant wife also didn't feel well. Needed to be home with them."