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Author Topic: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go  (Read 11830 times)

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lmyrs

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #30 on: October 07, 2015, 05:33:17 PM »
Her son was fine.  She was not.  She needed her DH.

I am not completely unsympathetic to this. But, she is a grown woman who was sad that she was missing a party. Yes, she is pregnant, but "hormones" doesn't excuse bad behaviour. I need to make it clear - I don't think she behaved badly. Her DH did. And he did it because his wife was sad she missed the party. This is what I can't get past.


HannahGrace

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #31 on: October 07, 2015, 06:31:40 PM »
Her son was fine.  She was not.  She needed her DH.

I am not completely unsympathetic to this. But, she is a grown woman who was sad that she was missing a party. Yes, she is pregnant, but "hormones" doesn't excuse bad behaviour. I need to make it clear - I don't think she behaved badly. Her DH did. And he did it because his wife was sad she missed the party. This is what I can't get past.

I agree.

TootsNYC

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #32 on: October 07, 2015, 07:28:44 PM »
Her son was fine.  She was not.  She needed her DH.

I am not completely unsympathetic to this. But, she is a grown woman who was sad that she was missing a party. Yes, she is pregnant, but "hormones" doesn't excuse bad behaviour. I need to make it clear - I don't think she behaved badly. Her DH did. And he did it because his wife was sad she missed the party. This is what I can't get past.

I agree.

I'm not loving that phrasing about someone else's life. You don't need to get past it; you're just an observer.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #33 on: October 07, 2015, 09:07:28 PM »
Her son was fine.  She was not.  She needed her DH.

I am not completely unsympathetic to this. But, she is a grown woman who was sad that she was missing a party. Yes, she is pregnant, but "hormones" doesn't excuse bad behaviour. I need to make it clear - I don't think she behaved badly. Her DH did. And he did it because his wife was sad she missed the party. This is what I can't get past.

I agree.

I'm not loving that phrasing about someone else's life. You don't need to get past it; you're just an observer.

With respect, that goes without saying. We are all just observers here on eHell, when it comes to reading about other people's experiences. I think in this context "This is what I can't get past" means "This is what I don't understand" (or even "This is not what I'd have done"). I think they are valid points to make on a forum of this nature.

I do sympathise with the OP. I totally get that she was extremely sad and bitterly disappointed. And to add salt to the wound, her husband was the one who indirectly ruined her night! So yes, he does need to make it up to her. But in my view, rushing home after the ceremony to keep her company was not the right way to do it. I just don't think you should skip someone's wedding reception (that you've RSVP'ed to) unless there is an emergency or crisis. It's meant to be your relative/friend's once in a lifetime event! While the OP may have needed some emotional comfort, I don't think it falls into the category of "emergency" or "crisis".


gellchom

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #34 on: October 07, 2015, 10:29:18 PM »
Her son was fine.  She was not.  She needed her DH.

I am not completely unsympathetic to this. But, she is a grown woman who was sad that she was missing a party. Yes, she is pregnant, but "hormones" doesn't excuse bad behaviour. I need to make it clear - I don't think she behaved badly. Her DH did. And he did it because his wife was sad she missed the party. This is what I can't get past.

I agree.

I'm not loving that phrasing about someone else's life. You don't need to get past it; you're just an observer.

With respect, that goes without saying. We are all just observers here on eHell, when it comes to reading about other people's experiences. I think in this context "This is what I can't get past" means "This is what I don't understand" (or even "This is not what I'd have done"). I think they are valid points to make on a forum of this nature.

I do sympathise with the OP. I totally get that she was extremely sad and bitterly disappointed. And to add salt to the wound, her husband was the one who indirectly ruined her night! So yes, he does need to make it up to her. But in my view, rushing home after the ceremony to keep her company was not the right way to do it. I just don't think you should skip someone's wedding reception (that you've RSVP'ed to) unless there is an emergency or crisis. It's meant to be your relative/friend's once in a lifetime event! While the OP may have needed some emotional comfort, I don't think it falls into the category of "emergency" or "crisis".

The bolded is what makes the difference for me.  Some posters are getting hung up on the cost of the dinner.  I don't think that's the issue, at least not in a case like this (it is an irritant if someone just replies yes and then simply blows it off, despite knowing they required the hosts to pay for them).  If I were the HC or the host and I had a guest who didn't come or left early for a reason that wasn't all that compelling (in this case, the husband's, not the wife's), the wasted cost of the meals wouldn't be what upset me, it would be that the guest wasn't treating my wedding as something very important, not just a regular party or less significant occasion.

The OP wasn't sick, and the baby wasn't sick, and she wasn't upset about anything other than having to miss the wedding.  I understand that, and there was nothing wrong with her feelings.  But she wasn't in a crisis that required her husband's presence; his feeling it is unfair for him to be having fun while she can't is not, in my opinion, a sufficient reason to skip the reception he committed to attend.

tabitha

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #35 on: October 08, 2015, 09:32:39 PM »
I believe the OP's husband felt his wife was in crisis.

I think that should be enough for anyone.  But, you feel differently, and I'm thinking there probably is not a correct answer to this.

However, although I think that weddings are important and should be treated as a significant occasion. I don't think that only a serious illness or imminent danger are the only reasons excusable for a last minute pullout.

It is one important day of your life but it really shouldn't be the most important day of your life, one day in 10, 20, 30 years of family and friendship...one day in an eighty year life? Of course it's important, but should a man who sat through the ceremony, heard you take you vows, felt happy for you, maybe proud of you..whose wife thoughtfully picked your gift (most likely she picked it out, go ahead and say I'm making things up but I think this is reasonable) should he then sit through the reception after the ceremony worried about his pregnant emotional wife out of duty to your day? Maybe you have grounds to think that your day (remember, he was there for the vows) is more important than the promise he made to his wife when they got married, but I know I wouldn't.
That sounded way more dramatic and snarky than I had intended,but, not gellchom in particular but everyone who is bothered by the absence of this one man from the reception, out of concern for his wife, that sounds dramatic and snarky to me.


Wintergreen

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #36 on: October 09, 2015, 02:52:04 AM »
I think this is again one of those "in the hindsight"-situations.

Now lets look this from DH's point of view. He has to leave his clearly unwell son and pregnant wife home to go to the wedding. Okay, so son gets better during the ceremony. DH phones home to hear his wife is sobbing mess. I highly doubt sobbing OP was able to clearly communicate that no, she is fine, she is just disappointed that she missed the long-waited event. So what DH know now is that yes, his son is fine, but his wife is clearly not as she is sobbing currently in his ear over the phone. So, I fully understand the decision to go back home. He could not know how fine or not fine his wife (pregnant) really was.

Now, in the hindsight, we know that OP was fine, she was just overwhelmed by hormones and disappointment after attending to her unwell son. But again, at that moment, I doubt it was clear. Just as it was not clear that their son would be feeling fine 20 minutes later. These calls are made with limited knowledge. After the fact is easy to gather all the knowledge and make the "this is how it should have been done" assesments. In the moment, it's not so easy.

Kiwipinball

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #37 on: October 09, 2015, 08:38:18 AM »
I think this is again one of those "in the hindsight"-situations.

Now lets look this from DH's point of view. He has to leave his clearly unwell son and pregnant wife home to go to the wedding. Okay, so son gets better during the ceremony. DH phones home to hear his wife is sobbing mess. I highly doubt sobbing OP was able to clearly communicate that no, she is fine, she is just disappointed that she missed the long-waited event. So what DH know now is that yes, his son is fine, but his wife is clearly not as she is sobbing currently in his ear over the phone. So, I fully understand the decision to go back home. He could not know how fine or not fine his wife (pregnant) really was.

Now, in the hindsight, we know that OP was fine, she was just overwhelmed by hormones and disappointment after attending to her unwell son. But again, at that moment, I doubt it was clear. Just as it was not clear that their son would be feeling fine 20 minutes later. These calls are made with limited knowledge. After the fact is easy to gather all the knowledge and make the "this is how it should have been done" assesments. In the moment, it's not so easy.

I think that's a really good point. Now I certainly wouldn't later share with the HC that it turns out child was fine 20 minutes later and OP was just upset about missing the party. If they asked, I would just tell them that son is much better now, thanks for asking. Obviously other people would have made a different decision, but I don't think OP's DH was rude. The HC has no way to know how ill the child was or was not. Their feelings won't be hurt, DH was there for the important part and properly made his excuses.

gellchom

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #38 on: October 09, 2015, 10:33:42 AM »
I think this is again one of those "in the hindsight"-situations.

Now lets look this from DH's point of view. He has to leave his clearly unwell son and pregnant wife home to go to the wedding. Okay, so son gets better during the ceremony. DH phones home to hear his wife is sobbing mess. I highly doubt sobbing OP was able to clearly communicate that no, she is fine, she is just disappointed that she missed the long-waited event. So what DH know now is that yes, his son is fine, but his wife is clearly not as she is sobbing currently in his ear over the phone. So, I fully understand the decision to go back home. He could not know how fine or not fine his wife (pregnant) really was.

Now, in the hindsight, we know that OP was fine, she was just overwhelmed by hormones and disappointment after attending to her unwell son. But again, at that moment, I doubt it was clear. Just as it was not clear that their son would be feeling fine 20 minutes later. These calls are made with limited knowledge. After the fact is easy to gather all the knowledge and make the "this is how it should have been done" assesments. In the moment, it's not so easy.

I think that's a really good point. Now I certainly wouldn't later share with the HC that it turns out child was fine 20 minutes later and OP was just upset about missing the party. If they asked, I would just tell them that son is much better now, thanks for asking. Obviously other people would have made a different decision, but I don't think OP's DH was rude. The HC has no way to know how ill the child was or was not. Their feelings won't be hurt, DH was there for the important part and properly made his excuses.
I agree with both these posts.
The key is to avoid making anyone feel that you aren't taking the wedding seriously.  So stay or go, but watch how you communicate about it. 

EllenS

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #39 on: October 13, 2015, 07:53:29 PM »
The HC do not need to know the nature or severity of the indisposition at OP's house. DH made a judgement call that his first duty was to be at home. In my view, either choice would have been OK, but he made the choice my husband would make, and the one that seems relationally better, IMO. To the HC, he made proper excuses for a proper reason - pregnant wife dealing with sick kid.

All the other reasons are private. Rudeness is about how you affect other people, ergo things that happen in private are not rude.

TootsNYC

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #40 on: October 13, 2015, 09:58:47 PM »
Quote
All the other reasons are private. Rudeness is about how you affect other people, ergo things that happen in private are not rude.

Agree! Character might care what you do in private or what your motivations are; Ethics might care; Morality might care; Spiritual Development might care. But Etiquette doesn't.

gellchom

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #41 on: October 21, 2015, 02:50:25 PM »
I do sympathise with the OP. I totally get that she was extremely sad and bitterly disappointed. And to add salt to the wound, her husband was the one who indirectly ruined her night! So yes, he does need to make it up to her. But in my view, rushing home after the ceremony to keep her company was not the right way to do it. I just don't think you should skip someone's wedding reception (that you've RSVP'ed to) unless there is an emergency or crisis. It's meant to be your relative/friend's once in a lifetime event! While the OP may have needed some emotional comfort, I don't think it falls into the category of "emergency" or "crisis".
I just realized why this post resonated with me so much.  Yes, if it was indeed due to a stupid mistake on the husband's fault that the wife had to miss the wedding, he should make it up to her.

But not at the expense of the hosts and the HC.  Leaving early, when there was no emergency, was rather rude to them. I hope they didn't know that Baby was just fine by then and it was just that Wife felt bad that she was missing out or even just had her hands full, because it is obvious that she could've had the already-booked sitter come help her out.  That may not be her first choice, but it certainly is adequate for everyone's safety.  I repeat that if this were an ordinary party, even a seated dinner, my feeling would be different: it's fine for both to stay home, then.  Someone's wedding, though, is a Big Deal, so the reasons to back out have to be pretty much unavoidable.  Don't treat it as nothing important that you care about missing.

Better for the husband to do something different: a nice night out at her favorite restaurant another time, flowers, a Daddy and Me day with Baby while Mom gets her nails done and has lunch with her girlfriends -- whatever she would enjoy most. 

tabitha

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #42 on: October 21, 2015, 04:17:10 PM »
How is it obvious the babysitter could have come to help out? The babysitter had already been dismissed. I don't think the sitter was put on stand by.

Mikayla

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #43 on: October 21, 2015, 04:54:55 PM »
OP, I just read through all of this and might have missed something, but I didn't see anything about you calling DH once your son had bounced back.  If this was an option, I think you should have done that and encouraged him to go to at least the early portion of the reception. 

The way this played out, 2 parents missed a wedding  reception because they had a happy, healthy child at home. If there was any way that could have been prevented, I personally think an effort should have been made.

If there was no way to get hold of him, obviously that's different.

Bales

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #44 on: October 21, 2015, 08:51:53 PM »
This was a family friend of her in-laws that was getting married.  I personally think it's admirable that her DH chose to go home to be with her and am pretty sure the family friends understood, though admittedly that is complete conjecture on my part based on how I'd personally feel if it were my wedding.  OP stated her MIL was encouraging OP's DH to go home, too, so it seems like she knew her friends would understand.  DH did attend the ceremony, and it's not like they just flaked out.  Life happens. 

I'm not going to blame someone with my 20/20 hindsight.  If her son had gotten sickly again after initially feeling better, I'll bet she'd be glad her husband was home to help her.  Heck, the other day I had a sickly dog at home and I wished my DH had been here to help me and I'm not pregnant nor do I have any kids.