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Author Topic: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go  (Read 11826 times)

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EllenS

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #45 on: October 22, 2015, 08:55:53 AM »
I guess I just don't get the idea that the HC is somehow cheated or hurt by the DH missing the reception. Do they just need more eyeballs to watch them eat, or what?

When I got married, I certainly wouldn't have wanted anybody staying when they were worried about what was going on at home. I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they had to "suck it up and go" when they'd been crying and felt horrible. We're talking about a party, not an endurance event. I wanted my guests to be happy and have a good time, not punching a clock.

tabitha

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #46 on: October 22, 2015, 10:22:05 AM »
I guess I just don't get the idea that the HC is somehow cheated or hurt by the DH missing the reception. Do they just need more eyeballs to watch them eat, or what?

When I got married, I certainly wouldn't have wanted anybody staying when they were worried about what was going on at home. I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they had to "suck it up and go" when they'd been crying and felt horrible. We're talking about a party, not an endurance event. I wanted my guests to be happy and have a good time, not punching a clock.

Absolutely! It's a celebration! Its a big day and it's important but it is not something someone should sit through out of obligation when worried about a loved one. And, as above, he witnessed the vows, he was there! But he made a promise to his wife at his own wedding and he kept that promise. So in my eyes he didn't flake out on anybody. When did RVSP's become oaths that one can only back out on if it's a life or death situation? Of course, people should take their social obligations seriously, which they did.  They also took a sick child seriously and well they should. Why so much negativity towards so little a matter? One adult stayed home with a child and one adult witnessed the vows and then went home to support his wife. They didn't call back extra family members to also miss the reception, but they didn't call the HC to see if the whole ceremony would wait for them.  They didn't bring a sickly crying baby with them.
I cannot fathom a newly married couple thinking, "I didn't see Hank after the ceremony! Where the heck was Hank! He better have a good explanation! What!! The kid got better and he still went home!!! Wife is pregnant and upset!? I don't care! They RVSP'ed and then didn't show up! They are off the holiday card list and I'm not buying that baby a gift!"  I mean really! I'm sure the HC had a lovely time and enjoyed the days after the wedding without a thought. My BFF had a BWW with games and lovely food and kilted groomsmen and purpled up bridesmaids, it was lovely. A year later she told me she was so busy and stressed she barely remembers a thing.

gellchom

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #47 on: October 22, 2015, 11:09:39 AM »
No one is talking about the HC or anyone else noticing or judging or punishing.  For heaven's sake, where are people getting things like this:

Quote
I cannot fathom a newly married couple thinking, "I didn't see Hank after the ceremony! Where the heck was Hank! He better have a good explanation! What!! The kid got better and he still went home!!! Wife is pregnant and upset!? I don't care! They RVSP'ed and then didn't show up! They are off the holiday card list and I'm not buying that baby a gift!" 

That's really putting words in people's mouths, even allowing for hyperbole.  No one said anything remotely like that.  We are just talking about what is the polite thing for a guest to do in such a situation, not how anyone would or should react to whatever they do.  I'm sure that all of us agree that that would be a ridiculous, entitled, heartless overreaction.  I'm sure also that those who, in the husband's place, would've stayed for at least part of the reception care every bit as much about their guests' comfort and happiness.  (And be careful how far you want to argue that point; if you decide that your wedding will be black tie, are you just fine with your obnoxious cousin coming in sweat pants and a dirty tee shirt because that's how he is "happy and comfortable"?)

We all too often see this kind of shift from the question of what is okay for one party to do to what would be an appropriate response for the other party.  Like when people ask how to address an envelope: explaining the proper way to do it is not at all equivalent to saying "and if you do it any other way, everyone will be totally offended and will cut you off forever."

The fact that the hosts won't or in your opinion shouldn't be upset does not really change what is or isn't the polite thing for a guest to do.  It may change whether you decide this is a time to ask for a pass or something, but you're going down a dangerous road if you make your manners choices based on a yardstick of "it's okay if someone would be a jerk to object to it," let alone, "if I wouldn't object to it in their place."

EllenS

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #48 on: October 22, 2015, 01:57:38 PM »
No one is talking about the HC or anyone else noticing or judging or punishing.  For heaven's sake, where are people getting things like this:

Quote
I cannot fathom a newly married couple thinking, "I didn't see Hank after the ceremony! Where the heck was Hank! He better have a good explanation! What!! The kid got better and he still went home!!! Wife is pregnant and upset!? I don't care! They RVSP'ed and then didn't show up! They are off the holiday card list and I'm not buying that baby a gift!" 

That's really putting words in people's mouths, even allowing for hyperbole.  No one said anything remotely like that.  We are just talking about what is the polite thing for a guest to do in such a situation, not how anyone would or should react to whatever they do.  I'm sure that all of us agree that that would be a ridiculous, entitled, heartless overreaction.  I'm sure also that those who, in the husband's place, would've stayed for at least part of the reception care every bit as much about their guests' comfort and happiness.  (And be careful how far you want to argue that point; if you decide that your wedding will be black tie, are you just fine with your obnoxious cousin coming in sweat pants and a dirty tee shirt because that's how he is "happy and comfortable"?)

We all too often see this kind of shift from the question of what is okay for one party to do to what would be an appropriate response for the other party.  Like when people ask how to address an envelope: explaining the proper way to do it is not at all equivalent to saying "and if you do it any other way, everyone will be totally offended and will cut you off forever."

The fact that the hosts won't or in your opinion shouldn't be upset does not really change what is or isn't the polite thing for a guest to do.  It may change whether you decide this is a time to ask for a pass or something, but you're going down a dangerous road if you make your manners choices based on a yardstick of "it's okay if someone would be a jerk to object to it," let alone, "if I wouldn't object to it in their place."

Speaking for myself, I wasn't putting words in anyone's mouth. I am addressing the specific mentions upthread that it is only acceptable to leave early from a wedding reception if it is "an emergency or a crisis." I think that is a ridiculously high bar for a social occasion.

Is a bad attack of sinus allergies an emergency or a crisis? No. But if a guest is coughing and sneezing uncontrollably with streaming eyes, they should go home.  If they drink too much, or eat something that disagrees with them and feel queasy - go home. If they are worried about their sick or crying relative at home - go home! There's no reason to sit there preoccupied and miserable, but none of those things are "an emergency or a crisis". 

Attending the wedding you RSVP'ed for is important, but it's not so important that it trumps all other relationships.

gellchom

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #49 on: October 22, 2015, 04:07:58 PM »
Speaking for myself, I wasn't putting words in anyone's mouth. I am addressing the specific mentions upthread that it is only acceptable to leave early from a wedding reception if it is "an emergency or a crisis." I think that is a ridiculously high bar for a social occasion.

Is a bad attack of sinus allergies an emergency or a crisis? No. But if a guest is coughing and sneezing uncontrollably with streaming eyes, they should go home.  If they drink too much, or eat something that disagrees with them and feel queasy - go home. If they are worried about their sick or crying relative at home - go home! There's no reason to sit there preoccupied and miserable, but none of those things are "an emergency or a crisis". 

Attending the wedding you RSVP'ed for is important, but it's not so important that it trumps all other relationships[/color][/i].

I almost always agree with you, and I agree with almost all of this.  The bolded is where I part company a bit.  I don't think that a wedding is a mere "social occasion," and I don't think anyone is arguing that a wedding "trumps all other relationships."   

Sure, from the guest's point of view, it's of course not nearly as important as it is to the HC and their families. It's an event on their social calendar, not a milestone in their own lives. 

But it isn't a backyard BBQ, either.  It means a great deal to the couple and their families; it's no ordinary party to them.  So your presence or absence there means more than it does for an ordinary party, too. 

If you have to miss it or leave early, then you do.  In my opinion, the bar ought to be significantly higher than it would be to do so for an ordinary social occasion -- no, not life or death or ambulance worthy, but in my opinion something pretty much unavoidable, and I'd include your examples of getting sick (not necessarily an unhappy relative or sick child at home -- that just covers too much ground; it would depend on how extreme the situation was and what the options are). 

And if you do have to miss it or leave early, then I think you ought to make some sort of gesture to the HC/hosts showing that you do appreciate that this wedding was not just some "social occasion."  I don't mean like saying you were wrong to do it, but saying you regret that you had to miss it/leave early and that it was an important day, not just any old party.

EllenS

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #50 on: October 22, 2015, 04:12:19 PM »
Speaking for myself, I wasn't putting words in anyone's mouth. I am addressing the specific mentions upthread that it is only acceptable to leave early from a wedding reception if it is "an emergency or a crisis." I think that is a ridiculously high bar for a social occasion.

Is a bad attack of sinus allergies an emergency or a crisis? No. But if a guest is coughing and sneezing uncontrollably with streaming eyes, they should go home.  If they drink too much, or eat something that disagrees with them and feel queasy - go home. If they are worried about their sick or crying relative at home - go home! There's no reason to sit there preoccupied and miserable, but none of those things are "an emergency or a crisis". 

Attending the wedding you RSVP'ed for is important, but it's not so important that it trumps all other relationships[/color][/i].

I almost always agree with you, and I agree with almost all of this.  The bolded is where I part company a bit.  I don't think that a wedding is a mere "social occasion," and I don't think anyone is arguing that a wedding "trumps all other relationships."   

Sure, from the guest's point of view, it's of course not nearly as important as it is to the HC and their families. It's an event on their social calendar, not a milestone in their own lives. 

But it isn't a backyard BBQ, either.  It means a great deal to the couple and their families; it's no ordinary party to them.  So your presence or absence there means more than it does for an ordinary party, too. 

If you have to miss it or leave early, then you do.  In my opinion, the bar ought to be significantly higher than it would be to do so for an ordinary social occasion -- no, not life or death or ambulance worthy, but in my opinion something pretty much unavoidable, and I'd include your examples of getting sick (not necessarily an unhappy relative or sick child at home -- that just covers too much ground; it would depend on how extreme the situation was and what the options are). 

And if you do have to miss it or leave early, then I think you ought to make some sort of gesture to the HC/hosts showing that you do appreciate that this wedding was not just some "social occasion."  I don't mean like saying you were wrong to do it, but saying you regret that you had to miss it/leave early and that it was an important day, not just any old party.

Which, IIRC, the OP's DH did.

gellchom

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #51 on: October 22, 2015, 04:15:40 PM »
Which, IIRC, the OP's DH did. 

Yep!  Oh, good, we agree again.  I feel better now.   :)

EllenS

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #52 on: October 22, 2015, 04:19:42 PM »
Which, IIRC, the OP's DH did. 

Yep!  Oh, good, we agree again.  I feel better now.   :)

Mwah.  :-*

tabitha

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Re: RSVP yes, last minute didn't go
« Reply #53 on: October 23, 2015, 01:34:51 PM »
Yes, I did go over the top with my post. I just couldn't meet the type of posts that stated the situation wasn't acceptable or that it was hoped the happy couple didn't know the real situation. I'll accept posters saying, under those circumstances, I would not have missed the reception. But saying the husband was absolutely rude and not taking the wedding seriously, that to me is also putting unwarrented thoughts and suppositions where they don't belong.
Obviously, OP and husband thought the event more than the average social happening. If not, OP would not have posted here, nor would she be upset to miss the wedding, and hubby probably wouldn't have to it without her in the first place, it they didn't think it important.
But, I did go over the top, in order to meet the what I considered over the top opposition.