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Author Topic: About bachelor parties  (Read 3952 times)

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Wintergreen

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About bachelor parties
« on: October 28, 2015, 07:53:44 AM »
So, I wonder.

We are getting married in the spring with civil ceremony. Guests will be invited to witness the ceremony too, but given the nature of the location and situation, we are not really having that much of official attendants or wedding party. (I did ask my sister to be my maid of honor and she might have some kind of role during the actual day, and old friend is acting as "pre-wedding company" but does not have any role in the festivities as she requested.)

DF is having bit of a dilemma about best man, given that the ceremony is not such that really accommodates the idea that well, and in addition we have a group of friends/friend-couples rather than him having a certain "best friend".

Now, given that the wedding party situation was what I said, we were assuming that neither of us will be having bachelor parties or anything like that. However, my sister informed that she will actually be organizing something for me and asked for list of girls. Which is of course nice thing, I'm excited! But I feel bit badly for my DF, as he was also thinking as I was, that bachelors will not happen, but now one will be happening for me. I'm sure it's something that he will survive, but nevertheles. :D So, I do wonder, would it be rude of me to mention privately to some of our friends (who will be invited to the wedding), if they'd like to have boys' night out with him. I don't think these people would oppose such idea, but, I don't know. Obviously such things can't be demanded, or anything, I don't think anyone has right to these things.

I don't know if I'm overthinking or making issue about this in my head when none exists. Any thoughts on this matter?

)

Alicia

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2015, 07:59:55 AM »
No you shouldn't mention anything asking for a bachelor party for your groom. Word will get out in group you are having bachlorette and if group wants to do bachlor party they will. But asking for a party for your groom is not nice.

Wintergreen

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2015, 08:13:42 AM »
No you shouldn't mention anything asking for a bachelor party for your groom. Word will get out in group you are having bachlorette and if group wants to do bachlor party they will. But asking for a party for your groom is not nice.

Yeah, actually the word not getting out is what I kind of think is the key problem for me, and I don't know anything about my sis's plans, she does not know our friends at all. We are trying to keep bit hushus as we can't invite our whole extended group of friends (drat, relatives were so easy, but friends are hard!). So we haven't talked about the wedding to even those who will be invited. :D Though, I guess they find out when they get the invites xD

But, I think you are right.

EllenS

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2015, 08:15:51 AM »
No you shouldn't mention anything asking for a bachelor party for your groom. Word will get out in group you are having bachlorette and if group wants to do bachlor party they will. But asking for a party for your groom is not nice.

Agreed. If his friends want to do it, they will. A pity party is no fun for anyone.

Hmmmmm

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2015, 08:18:26 AM »
Are any of the women you'd invite to the bachelorette party in a couple situation with someone close to your future DH? If so, then I might mention to them that you're sister is arranging a party for you. The boy's night out night out might naturally evolve from there.

In my experience, the bachelor party required a lot less planning than the bachelorette parties do. So they might not even think about the concept until an invitation to the wedding is received. So I just wouldn't put much thought into this until much closer to the wedding. And then I might drop a hint to one of your's or your future DH's closer friends.

Pooky582

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2015, 09:33:32 AM »
I didn't have one at all, due to relationship dynamics I just didn't want to deal with. A party for me would have just been stress and worry for me.  But my husband and his best man went out for dinner and cigars type of thing one night. And that was the extent of our "bachelor" parties. So I think it's okay if he doesn't have one, if he doesn't want one. But if he is feeling bummed about it, I think it's okay to mention it to someone casually. Maybe your sister or a mutual girlfriend can bring it up in conversation to a guy friend. "So we're planning such and such for bride on this night. Have you guys thought about what to do with groom for a bachelor party??"  That way, it's not you guilting someone into it, and the seeds have been planted. It can come off more as expected from them, instead of "please do this for me" from you.

  I also like the idea of doing the "joint" parties. Maybe your sister can just help organize a get together for both of you and your friends?  Not everyone like this idea, because they see the bachelor/bachelorette parties as a "last hurrah", or to quote at shirt I see a lot "one last fling before the ring".  But things are different now. For instance, my now husband and I already lived together for four years before our wedding. Literally nothing changed in our lives. We didn't need one last 'crazy' night out without the other. I actually wished someone would have thought to do a joint get together for us.

LonniesMom

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2015, 09:47:42 AM »
I think that if you DF wants to have a bachelor party he can mention it to his friends. I wouldn't say anything.

Wintergreen

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2015, 11:08:28 AM »
Are any of the women you'd invite to the bachelorette party in a couple situation with someone close to your future DH? If so, then I might mention to them that you're sister is arranging a party for you. The boy's night out night out might naturally evolve from there.

In my experience, the bachelor party required a lot less planning than the bachelorette parties do. So they might not even think about the concept until an invitation to the wedding is received. So I just wouldn't put much thought into this until much closer to the wedding. And then I might drop a hint to one of your's or your future DH's closer friends.

Not real close, no. Some of them are spouses of our mutual friends, but if I'm inviting them, it's generally because we both have closer relationship to the woman in the couple. The men are friends, but not "one-on-one" friends. The men that would be close to DF are also usually the closer friend to me to, so that I might not know their spouses that well. But I think I can rest my mind. I was slightly caught off guard with the idea of me having the bachelorette and wondering if DF will feel all left out. Sometimes I have to tell myself that all troubles are not for me to fix. If there even is a "trouble". Thank you all for your answers :)

tabitha

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2015, 04:59:53 PM »
I'm a bit confused about the whole situation.  It sounds like you and DF both understood you would not be having bachelor parties. But then you found out one is being planned for you. The only person you need to tell is DF.  That way, if one of his friends had said to him "do you want to have a party?" And your DF answered, "no we're not doing that" he can go back to the friend and say, "we decided it will be ok after all".  Or if you tell DF and he feels a bit like he's left out, he'll call up a few friends of his and do something.

I'm not sure what all of the other info around the venue and lack of or minimalist wedding party is about, I'm assuming the wedding is somewhat secret. But I think the above applies either way.

mandycorn

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2015, 05:20:26 PM »
I'm a bit confused about the whole situation.  It sounds like you and DF both understood you would not be having bachelor parties. But then you found out one is being planned for you. The only person you need to tell is DF.  That way, if one of his friends had said to him "do you want to have a party?" And your DF answered, "no we're not doing that" he can go back to the friend and say, "we decided it will be ok after all".  Or if you tell DF and he feels a bit like he's left out, he'll call up a few friends of his and do something.

I'm not sure what all of the other info around the venue and lack of or minimalist wedding party is about, I'm assuming the wedding is somewhat secret. But I think the above applies either way.

I don't think it's secret so much as it's small, which means that with the lack of attendants, there's not really anyone who's "official" role would involve planning a party for the groom.

From an etiquette standpoint I'm not sure if what I'm suggesting is totally on the up and up, but if it were me personally and my (fictional) fiance would like a party, I would mention to the men my fiance is closest to that he'd like to have a one. Leave the bachelorette out of it and just mention it once to them as a kindness to him.

The other option (if you'd both like it) would be to suggest a combined pre-wedding co-ed party. 
"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you never know if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln 

Lynn2000

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2015, 05:34:56 PM »
I think it would be fine for the groom himself to call up his guy friends and say, "Want to get together at our favorite restaurant a few days before the wedding, a boys' night out?" or whatever it is guys say to each other. It could be understood that everyone will pay for themselves initially, and if the guys decide to turn it into a bachelor party where they pay for the groom, so be it. Really the point is to get the guys together and have fun, so there's no rule that the groom can't initiate that himself, as long as he picks something with reasonable costs.

I also agree that if you wait a bit longer, once people get the invitations they may start thinking about a party, and if they approach DF he can say, "Sure, that would be great."
~Lynn2000

TootsNYC

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2015, 07:40:32 PM »
I agree with Lynn2000.


We didn't have bachelor or bachelorette parties; the wedding was out of town, everyone was traveling, and this was before bachelor parties became a huge deal or happened early.

Instead, the people in the wedding party, and our friends who were around the night before, went to a bar in town and ended up in the "back room" and had a couple of beers and talked, and someone got those who'd known us longest to tell stories on us. It was a ton of fun, and all my friends learned some great things about my DH, and his friends learned lots of embarrassing things about me.

It sounds like your DH is a low-key kind of friend, and I think a traditional bachelor party might actually not be a thing he'd enjoy. If it was, I think he'd have created a social circle that would think of one. So maybe you can say, "Hey, why don't you go out for a beer the night before the wedding with whoever is there as a guest?"


CAME BACK TO SAY:   That low-key, "a bunch of people sitting around talking over a beer" kind of gathering is exactly what my husband would have liked, if someone had asked him about a bachelor party. And because he is who he is, he has the friends who he has, and their idea of what to do the night before the wedding matched his. He crafted his bachelor party without even realizing it, because he crafted the friendships that he has.
   The artificialness of a bachelor party with people he's not that close to might actually make your DF feel worse, feel lonelier, than not having one at all. It should be true to him, and his friendships, if it's going to be meaningful.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2015, 09:17:02 PM by TootsNYC »

LifeOnPluto

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2015, 09:09:54 PM »
I agree with Lynn2000 and TootsNYC. I think it's fine for your DF to initiate dinner and/or drinks with his mates.

Otherwise, I don't think it's necessarily rude for one half of a couple to have a Bachelor / Bachelorette party, and the other to have nothing. Sometimes it's just the way things work out.

gellchom

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2015, 03:41:50 PM »
Both my daughter and my daughter-in-law had bachelorette parties, and one had a shower and one had a recipe shower.

Neither my son nor my son-in-law had a bachelor party.  My son treated his attendants to a hot shave at a barbershop the day of the wedding; that's all they did.

When I got married, there was no such thing as bachelorette parties (at least I'd never heard of them; 1982).  I had two recipe showers.  My husband had no bachelor party; he and the best man went for coffee a night or two before the wedding (whoa, wild!). 

The point: things don't have to be symmetric between the bride and the groom.  I suppose it's almost too bad that bachelorette parties have emerged, because everything else in the wedding is so focused on the bride -- the bachelor party was the one thing for the groom alone.

Anyway, I'd let this go.


sammycat

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Re: About bachelor parties
« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2015, 07:47:52 PM »
I don't think (general) you can ask or hint for a party. Any type of party (in general).

I know plenty of bridal couples where the girl had a party or parties and the guy didn't. I had a bridal shower, but my DH didn't. He may have gotten together with his brother the night before, but I can't remember now for sure.

One part of a couple having a pre-wedding party doesn't mean the other half has to as well.