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Author Topic: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...  (Read 12630 times)

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Let Them Eat Cake

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Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« on: November 02, 2015, 01:07:33 PM »
This is kind of an odd situation, but here goes:

The past few weeks, I've been getting calls from my friend at his work saying he's forgotten his wallet and is wondering if I could come by and spot him some money for bus fare (two dollars) or pick him up and take him home from work after his shift.

The thing is, his work is about a half hour drive each way-- his house is about another twenty minutes to a half hour away from his work-- and not only that, but honestly, I have a bit of a driving phobia. I get nervous enough driving myself to my own work! :-\ I'm pretty young and this has been my first year with a license, so I hope it'll get better in time.

I mean, wouldn't it make more sense for him to ask a coworker to spot him the two dollars? ??? He's wound up doing this in the past when I've said I couldn't do it, and I don't know why he doesn't ask one of them to begin with, since they're right there anyway.

He's a close friend of mine, so I always feel bad saying no-- I share a car with my younger sister, so for now I've been using her "needing the car" as an excuse-- but today has been the third or fourth time in the space of a month now and I feel like I'm eventually going to have to sit down and be honest with him about it. With anyone else, I'd have no problem being honest about it, but I care about him and I don't want him to get the impression that he couldn't come to me if he was having a real emergency... still, the "Are you busy today? I forgot my wallet" routine is getting kind of excessive.

What should I say to him?
"Jan, a real friend likes you for who you are, not what's on your face. If you judge your friends for passing judgment on you, you're not only judging yourself you're judging your friends for judging you. And that would be using bad judgment." - Mike Brady, The Brady Bunch Movie

Goosey

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2015, 01:19:35 PM »
If you care about him, just ask him what the heck is going on.

Tell him, "You know I care for you, but you're asking a lot from me. I don't mind helping in an emergency but when it happens this often, I start to think that something is wrong that I need to know about."

Mustard

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2015, 01:31:59 PM »
Is it possible that he wants to spend more time with you, and hasn't yet plucked up the courage to ask you out on a date?

Yvaine

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2015, 01:34:35 PM »
Are you talking to him, actually hearing his voice, on these calls, or are they texts? I'm not saying this to bash texting, but because I honest-to-goodness wonder if he lost his phone and this is somebody else, spamming his address book with requests for money in the hopes someone will bite. Something along the lines of the "I'm in jail in Russia, send money" emails.

Let Them Eat Cake

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2015, 01:40:02 PM »
Are you talking to him, actually hearing his voice, on these calls, or are they texts? I'm not saying this to bash texting, but because I honest-to-goodness wonder if he lost his phone and this is somebody else, spamming his address book with requests for money in the hopes someone will bite. Something along the lines of the "I'm in jail in Russia, send money" emails.

Yeah, these have all been phone calls.
"Jan, a real friend likes you for who you are, not what's on your face. If you judge your friends for passing judgment on you, you're not only judging yourself you're judging your friends for judging you. And that would be using bad judgment." - Mike Brady, The Brady Bunch Movie

TootsNYC

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2015, 01:40:43 PM »
Quote
I mean, wouldn't it make more sense for him to ask a coworker to spot him the two dollars? ???

It would, of course--but he's asked them already hundreds of times.

Quote
He's wound up doing this in the past when I've said I couldn't do it, and I don't know why he doesn't ask one of them to begin with, since they're right there anyway.
So say no all the time, with no excuses, and this is what he'll do.


I'm sorry, repeatedly like this? It's deliberate. It may be unconscious, but it's deliberate.

I'm curious--does he pay you back? And...do you realize it must cost you more than $2 to drive over there and back, just in gas. According to this calculator, if you get 25mpg and gas is $2.21, you're spending $5.71 to loan him $2.

http://www.travelmath.com/cost-of-driving/

If he's a good friend, it's time to have a conversation:
"I am going to say no the next time you ask me. You're asking way too much of me--this is not an 'I'm bleeding!' emergency. You can remember your wallet. And just so you know--it costs me $6 to drive your $2 to you; not cool, dude. So don't forget your wallet, or you'll be walking home."

If he's not a good friend, just say no the next several times he calls, and get off the phone as fast as you can. He'll figure it out, and he'll move on to someone else to mooch off of (even if he's only mooching energy). Or, he'll start paying some attention and bringing his wallet.

(How is he getting to work without his wallet anyway?)

I'm also tossing a little side eye on that "close friend"--what does he -give- in this friendship? I have a big dose of skepticism here.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2015, 01:57:24 PM »
You could also just try being too busy to answer the phone if you see it's him and it's just about the time he gets off work!  If he asks later, "Oh, sorry, I was busy.  What was up?" and then, "Wow, again?  How many times is that this month?  Looks like you need a better way to remember your bus fare, dude.  Bring in a bunch of singles and leave them in your desk drawer next week or something."
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Lynn2000

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2015, 02:52:40 PM »
It sounds to me like he is either a total mooch, and you say yes often enough that he keeps coming back to you; or, he just wants to "hang out" with you more but doesn't know how to suggest that.

Maybe the next time he calls you could say, "Sorry, I won't have the car soon enough to pick you up. But do you want to go out for drinks at 8?" Maybe if you nudge him towards other opportunities to see you (assuming you want to see him as well) he will stop with these silly excuses that actually annoy you.

I might also say something like MommyPenguin suggests, letting him know that you are keeping track and this is just getting silly. Maybe, "So what are you going to do about this, so you don't have to keep calling me for a ride/bus fare?"
~Lynn2000

Cuddlepie

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2015, 05:11:01 PM »
There is something else behind these requests. No-one forgets a wallet this frequently.

I would suggest to friend to have some emergency money stashed at work for the days he forgets. He could also leave a reminder note on his front door.  (eg: Take wallet to work)

In this particular case, an adult should be able to find a solution to fix problems of his own doing.


shhh its me

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2015, 05:37:28 PM »
  He's either running out of money , wants to spend time with you or he is stunningly forgetful. 

If he is out of money or forgetful , he needs to stop making his tiny problem your big problem. Being $2 short at the end of the week is a pretty small problem , even forgetting your wallet (If you're not driving ) in most circumstances is a little problem. Driving 1-2 hours extra to take someone home once a week is a pretty big favor.  You can just say "This is NOT a small favor , this is a big inconvenience to me. Please stop asking me to do big favor to save you a the small inconvenience of asking a co-worker for $2"

 
If he is not offering to pay you back or for gas money that would be a clue he is running out of money.  If he runs right into the house and grabs the money and doesn't invite you or hasn't been doing other things to spend time with you thats a clue he is forgetful. If he pays you back and always invites you to dinner to come in for a movie etc. thats a clue he wants to spend time with you. 

If you decide it's because he wants to spend more time with you then first decide if you want to spend more time with him. If you do then spend more time with him if you don't go right back to "Please stop asking ......"

GoodyGoody

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2015, 10:34:53 AM »
You say you are "pretty young" so can I safely assume that this friend is also "pretty young"? As in, still lives with his parents? If so, *that* is who he can call if he is desperate for a ride. Perhaps he should also ask for a monthly bus pass for Christmas this year...

You sound like a caring friend. Please take the advice of previous posters and take a look at what you are getting out of this friendship, and assess how closely it balances with what you are giving.

Lynn2000

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2015, 11:11:06 AM »
If he is out of money or forgetful , he needs to stop making his tiny problem your big problem. Being $2 short at the end of the week is a pretty small problem , even forgetting your wallet (If you're not driving ) in most circumstances is a little problem. Driving 1-2 hours extra to take someone home once a week is a pretty big favor.  You can just say "This is NOT a small favor , this is a big inconvenience to me. Please stop asking me to do big favor to save you a the small inconvenience of asking a co-worker for $2"

This is a really good point. "He needs to stop making his tiny problem your big problem." Think about what he has to do--he just has to call you, and wait around until you show up, with apparently no time constraints. Whereas your entire schedule gets interrupted, plus you are spending gas and putting wear and tear on your car, not to mention the stress of driving. All because he cannot be bothered to figure out how to solve his repeated problem in another way, of which there are many. There is a huge imbalance in this situation, and the weight is falling mainly on you. I think it's time to push back, and keep saying no. Remember if you say yes on occasion, that will actually encourage him to keep calling you (the principle behind gambling--win a little bit every once in a while and you forget about all the times you lost).
~Lynn2000

camlan

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2015, 12:11:26 PM »
I might even ask, since you are good friends, "What's really going on here?"

It's not normal to suddenly forget one's wallet. Although how is he getting to work with no money.

So, a) he's interested in you and can't figure out how to show/tell you this.

or, b) he's having serious money problems and isn't sharing that fact.

or c) there is something else going on, maybe at home, that either is making him forgetful, or that prevents him from getting to his wallet in the morning, or even that prevents him from staying home all night. Could be a medical issue, could be an issue with someone he lives with. And if this is the case, he needs more help than you can provide, and you should tell him that. 

Whatever the issue is, you still don't have to drive to his rescue every week. You can hand him ten dollars worth of one dollar bills and tell him it's a gift he should keep in his desk at work. You can suggest he find a car pool.

He could just be scatter-brained. He could be in serious trouble. I can't tell which. But he *can* figure out how to get home without making you take an hour long detour out of your way.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


FauxFoodist

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2015, 03:38:06 PM »
Just reading your post, I suspect he's coming up with a really bad excuse to see you/spend more time with you.

Since you say you're good friends, try just saying no or confront the issue, "Dude, are you really forgetting your wallet or are you just wanting to spend more time hanging out?  If it's the former, I'm cutting you off so you learn to remember your wallet as it's costing ME a lot in time and money.  If it's the latter, then just say so because, otherwise, you're really jerking me around."

greencat

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Re: Friend keeps on forgetting bus fare...
« Reply #14 on: November 03, 2015, 05:33:28 PM »
I strongly suggest telling him you absolutely cannot do this for him again, and then ignoring his calls when it's time for him to get off work.  Even if he is just going about trying to spend time with you in a bad way, it's not your responsibility to figure that out.  His actions - regardless of his intent - are to mooch off you and inconvenience you.  That's not what a good thing for a friend - or a potential suitor - to be doing to you.